WTF Thursday 10:55 PM

Jennifer Love Hewitt did what? (link possibly NSFW due to language/sexual references but not photos)

Seriously, ya'll. I hate to say it, but I'm gonna need a photo because how the hell is that even possible?

Fugtastic. 7:52 PM

Ya'll know those girls over at Go Fug Yourself, right?

Well, this week, we're trying on their hats and bringing you some WTFug? posts throughout the week. . .you know, in honor of Thanksgiving and all. (And if you see that connection, then Salut!, because you've had as much wine as I have tonight.)

To get us started, I bring you a "preview" of the Playgirl issue we've all been waiting for.

No.

Not Robert Pattinson (or Taylor Lautner). But close. Levi Johnston. (link possibly NSFW, but nothing crazy) UPDATE: NSFW! Totally did not see the sidebar until Bj & Andi commented! Sorry ladies!

My two cents - dude's ok, but not really Playgirl material. Especially his butt. I'm not hatin', I'm just sayin'.

Hometown Hotness 7:00 AM

Other than your significant other, who is the cutest/hottest/best looking guy you've seen in real life recently?  Checkout boy at your grocery store? UPS guy? Your boss? Have you two ever had an innocent flirtatious moment where you knew he thought you were hot, too?

I know most of ya'll are married, so feel free to comment anonymously.

As for me, there is this super cute neighbor who lives a few blocks away. Tall-ish, dark hair, nicely tanned. He's married, has beautiful children and gorgeous wife. The other night I was walking my dog and saw him through the window ironing. IRONING. Hotness increased exponentially because he is clearly the perfect husband.  See, I can be domestic.

We've only ever exchanged waves as I walk by with my dog looking like ass early in the morning, so no. No flirtatious moments.

Hot or Not? 9:04 AM

This question has been seriously bothering me for quite some time now. No. I'm not kidding.

Is Leonardo DiCaprio still hot?

Back in the days of Romeo & Juliet and Titantic, he was the IT boy of Hollywood. Then it made me love him even more when he shunned all of that and sort of went into hiding, sunk his teeth into deeper, more serious roles. Remember how he even skipped the Academy Awards the year of Titanic? So cool.

But these days, well, I'm not sure he's aged as well as some others. When I saw these pictures on dlisted, it really began to seem like eh, maybe he's just not hot anymore. Shame.

Just when I thought I had it figured out, that maybe he wasn't photogenically hot but still charismatically hot, these pics come out. Leo is sporting a UF hat. That's enough for me (and I wonder, did he read my mind? Did he know I was contemplating this issue??). My verdict: Leo still a hottie.

(Ok, if I'm being honest, he's not really hot in these pictures, like AT ALL. Something about his personality that I like, though. He's all eco-Leo, he's older than me but still has a good time, he's not afraid to party with the regular peeps.)

While we're at it, what about Brad Pitt? Same question. I have no answer, especially after watching that monstrosity that was Benjamin Button.

The Alpha & The Omega 7:00 AM

The Alpha male. The pack leader. Ladies man. Machoest of macho guys. Must be in control of everyone and every situation.

I'm gonna get down to it: Are alpha men better in bed than non-alphas*?

Discuss.

I say no. Non-alphas, in my experience in general, tend to be more attentive and "longer lasting." Alphas, I guess, just haven't felt the need to hone those particular skills, in general, because women are constantly falling at their feet. There are exceptions on both sides of this rule, but in general it holds pretty true. (I have this unsettling feeling this post is going to get me in a lot of trouble one day.)

*I use the term non-alphas deliberately because not all non-alphas are nerds, but nerds/alphas is the popular dichotomy.  Non-alphas can be athletic, guys-guys but still not the alpha, as in the charismatic leader.  Lots of guys proclaim to be alphas because they don't want to be "nerds," but in reality alphas are few and far between - think of the wolf pack - all of them are badass, but only "one" true alpha.

I Solemnly Swear I’m Up to No Good 8:00 PM

I’m told that the person I killed off won’t be missed by anyone (who is s/he? I’ll never tell!), but regardless, the murder does seem to have been a law violation, and I’m left with the pesky problem of thorough, untraceable disposal. Sigh. And blood stains are so difficult to get out of clothes!

For assistance in this delicate matter, I would consult the following:

• McNamara & Troy of “Nip/Tuck.” Not only because Julian McMahon is smoking hot and would provide attractive scenery during the burial, but because they’ve got experience. Down to the bayou to visit the alligators, y’all…
• Mendacious. She’s a deeply spiritual person and *may* have take small issue with my ending a life, but ultimately, she is my partner-in-crime, period. And, if sorted at Hogwarts, she would have been a Slytherin. She has more than a glint of the devious in her eye.
• Niki, because this girl knows the law. And she will not mince words in telling you exactly what you need to do and what you should avoid when attempting to outsmart the justice system. Additionally, she will be able to lead us all in a cleansing yoga session afterward. (Christian Troy doing yoga, mmm…)
• J.Lo (my husband), who is practical, level-headed and smart and will not only help devise a plan with every small detail addressed, but will also be very motivated: If I go to jail, who will watch the kids??

Lastly, who wouldn’t I tell? K.Lo, my three-year-old. Not so much good at secrets yet, that one, and I’m guessing she’d rat me out in 5 minutes or less. Oh, and I suppose the situation might be rather traumatizing. I’m already responsible for a hefty portion of future therapy bills without dragging the poor child into this mess… 

Ruby Redeems Herself 11:00 PM

Last spring, Ruby confessed to us her shocking, closeted affection for Dwayne Johnson, aka “The Rock,” on her list of 5 Freebie Hook-Ups. The rest of the bar raised their eyebrows but remained polite while we were all secretly thinking, Really?! The fake-wrestler guy? Well, all-righty then! Who knew.

But, I’m here to say that this evening, I watched the most recent episode of Saturday Night Live, and Ruby is, actually, quite Smartini. The Rock was hot! And, it was the funniest overall episode of SNL since Justin Timberlake hosted last year—no easy feat. I’m totally impressed. Please enjoy the following HOTNESS skits below. You won't be sorry.

1. May I say that I did call the play on “The Rock” and “Barack” prior to the episode. Regardless of your political persuasion, this one is very funny:

2. Random, but still relatable (so key to the skit turning out well), and smartly put together. Also, I cannot get over Dwayne Johnson’s “dancing,” it’s hilarious.

So, what do you think, ladies? The Rock: Hot?? Or are Ruby and I going to have to fight it out amongst ourselves. Bar brawl!

Men of the Oscars 11:35 AM

(Hitting even more snags finding save-able pictures of the men, so we're gonna have to link it up a lot on this one.)


Mickey Rourke just straight up gives me the creeps, and this ensemble didn't do anything to dissuade me from that view.

And yet, I have to give him some props for not going the traditional tuxedo route. He just can't help but be skeezy Mickey Rourke, I guess, so kudos to him for keepin' it real. 

I love me some Robert Downey, Jr., and I'm also a big fan of the non-bowtie tux.  

Confidential to Phillip Seymour Hoffman:  You are one of the best actors of our generation, no question.  That is no excuse to leave the house with that ugly box on your head.

Is it just me or did Anthony Hopkins lose a bunch of weight?  Props to him for going the non-bowtie route - makes him look modern and hip, although his beautiful wife helps a little, too.

Zac Efron

I can't decide how I feel about Efron in general, but he definitely looked dapper (even if his presence there was questionable).  I'd probably make out with him. (Is that saying much?) 

John Legend = one of the best dressed men and his girlfriend is not too shabby either.


Yeah, yeah, Brad Pitt in a tux. Snooze. Not feelin' the goatee, Brad. Not at all.  

As he admitted in his acceptance speech, he sometimes makes it difficult to like him, but I happen to love Sean Penn, politics and all.  He rocked an all-black look that was slightly unique and pretty hot.

Edward Cullen Robert Pattinson

Did he look a little high? Maybe.  Like he was still in Twilight makeup?  A little.  Did he still make women ages 8 to 58 swoon?  Absolutely.

Smartini Vocabulary 101 9:15 PM

sanpaku

(San Pacu)

1. the visibility of the white of the eye between the iris and the lower eyelid

2. according to EW magazine, a specific, concrete reason for why Robert Pattinson of Twilight is so damn smokin’ hot

Oh yes. I wholeheartedly concur.

More Good Vibrations 10:20 AM

Vibrators have apparently come a long way. Last week, we talked about the penis sleeve. This week, I ran across these lovely items in a magazine.

They really are vibrators, designed with discreteness in mind.

I’ll let you all interpret that statement in the comments.

P.S. In which magazine did I discover this gem? Parenting! I tell no lies.

Did Megan Say FUBAR? 9:09 PM

This may be crossing the line, but who am I to shy away from controversy?

If any of you have heard of a "penis sleeve" prior to the publication of this post, please, PLEASE let us know in the comments. (Anonymous is welcome, especially if you want to hide first-hand experience.)

For those of you in the dark, like I was, please proceed to this link. It's apparently some sort of male vibrator. Who knew?

Poll: John Mayer's New 'Do 12:38 PM

Happy Friday!

Okay, ladies, here's your chance to speak up. John Mayer recently buzzed his hair short, causing quite a stir with the tabloids and the women who buy them.

Exhibit A: The Before Shot

Exhibit B: The After

So, whaddya think? Vote now...and comment to your heart's content.

I’ll be the better brand of PB to your J 9:00 AM

MEMO

TO: Jim Halpert

FROM: Penelope

RE: Replacement for Pam Beasley, Dunder-Mifflin Secretary and (more importantly) your GIRLFRIEND

Dear Jim,

As previously mentioned, I might have a *tiny* inter-Office crush—on you. So, I’m applying to be your new girlfriend. If hired for this position here is what I can offer:

• Witty banter, 9 to 5.
• Assistance in all pranks brainstorming for Dwight K. Schrute.
• Help with all future projects involving Jell-O.
• More WPM than the original Pam.
• A coy smile delivered daily from my desk to yours.

And rest assured, you will be the only member of my Finer Things Club.

Thank you for your consideration, Jim, and I look forward to meeting you in the Supply Closet in 5…

Sincerely Yours,

Penelope Barmaid

 

[Insert Penelope photo here.]

Super Powers 8:57 AM

(As directed by This Week's Special, and in similar fashion to Megan: a love letter of persuasion to one of our Top 5.)

Dear Super Tom -

Let me help you practice ripping your clothes off. If you find the Ice Fortress a bit chilly, I've got powerful heat vision as well; just try me. Wrap your arms of steel around me; I'm confident we'd soar together. There would be no need to use your x-ray vision, I'd lay it all out for you. I wouldn't have to worry about biting those luscious full lips of yours too hard, because I know you heal fast. Speaking of fast, I'd love to help you debunk that "faster than a speeding bullet" myth as well - it just doesn't apply in some areas of your life, I'm quite certain. Let me be your Kryptonite - I'll make you weak and come crawling for more.

fly to me.
Love Always,
Andi

An Open Letter to John Mayer Because I Must Express How Ardently I Love and Admire Him 9:12 PM

Dear John,
It's no secret that I have a long-standing, passionate devotion to you. I've tried in every way I can to show you that I care about you - writing poems about your hair and offering fashion advice when I saw you falling short.

And then of course, I've publicly declared my love for you on more than one occasion. It's so much like a sickness that I've given it a name.

But I'm going to go out there on that limb yet again and profess my love. I could go on and on about how deliciously good looking you are with your guitar-playing forearm muscles, thoroughly tatted arms and voluptuous lips. And believe me, that has it's allure. Plus, there's your stellar musical skills which I've had the pleasure of viewing live and in person on more than one occasion.

But the thing is, I get you. I get your bizarre sense of humor. I get your moments of introspection. I get those aha times in life that you somehow manage to boil down and pour out in honeyed tones from a guitar and express with lyrics that make me close my eyes and sigh because they're just so right on. I get you, John. I really do. And I suspect you might get me, too.

Maybe that's what keeps the fires burning for you. It's not just that you're smokin' - even though you are. It's that, when I read between the lines, when I feel between the notes, I think that we could be good together. At the very least, I can guarantee you we'd have a good time over a cold beer.

So, John, if you come across this letter, think about it. I know you've got millions of teenage girls screaming that they want to have your baby, and beautiful celebs lining up to hang on your arm. But if you come back down from there and decide that instead of asking "Why Georgia" you want to ask "Why not?" give me a call. And just as closing remark, I've got fabulous lips, too.

xoxoxo,
Ash

Fertility Treatments by Tim McGraw 12:14 PM

I read this article in the AJC this morning and just hooted.

Apparently, Tim McGraw, Clay Walker, and Jennifer Nettles are responsible for an uptick in pregnancies in Colorado, because they performed at the "Country Jam" in Grand Junction last month.

So, that means we'll have to take a poll, ladies (and gents):

Bare Necessities 9:28 AM

I'm not sure how this happened, but all of us bartenders are stranded on a deserted island. Thank the heavens we've been allowed 5 items to take with us, but really, JUST FIVE! That's an impossible choice. In the end, I've decided to carry along:

1. A never-ending supply of PEANUT BUTTER - I cannot live without it. Plus, if I'm on a desert island and not killing the animals for meat, I'm gonna need some protein before I waste away. If by some chance I end up on the same island as Tempe, we're gonna have a chocolate and peanut butter par-tay!



2. TOOTHPASTE - Megan is a genius. I cannot stop thinking about how important fresh breath would be when the rest of me is grimy (also, see #4 below).



3. MATCHES - It might get cold at night. I might want to roast my bananas. I could even light a torch so I don't step on any bite-y critters when it's dark.



4. PROPHYLACTICS/CONTRACEPTION - The other Smartini bartenders may be ok with being preggers and having childrens on the deserted island, but not this one. And if my island looks anything like the Lost island, well, these are going to be in high demand.



5. PONYTAIL HOLDER/HAIR CLIP - I do not go a single day without pulling my hair out of my face at some point. I'd die without a way to keep it up. Die.

Weekly Special Leftovers 10:07 PM

This is Chuck Wicks. Apparently, he sings country music, as I first viewed a photo of him while browsing through some of the bad fashion and hungry starlets that hit the red carpet at last night's Country Music Awards. I don't really like "today's country" - I like my Cash and Haggard and Hank (Sr., thank you very much) - but I might change my views on "today's country" if it looks like this.

Helllloooo, Chuck. I hope that last one is taken at the Smartini Bar. And I hope he's at my table cause that is one long, tall drink of water. Make it a double. Rawr. Once boy crazy, always boy crazy.

The Bald, the British, the Beautiful 7:30 AM

Weekly Special: Who are my top five 'freebie' hook ups?

You will never find me at a male strip club, fawning over some greased-up beefcake waving his Speedo-clad junk in my face. It's just not going to happen, I'm not that kind of girl. But you very well might catch me drooling over the following Cocktail Selection:


1. Jim from The Office. Who did you think I was going to pick, Creed? I just love Jim, want to marry him. Although as J.Lo recently pointed out, given certain trends in Jim and Pam's relationship, i.e. Jim knowing a week after they started dating that they'd eventually get married, Pam not agreeing to move in together until she has a ring on her finger, and the fun, light, teasing vibe they have between them? I kind of did marry Jim. Aw, was that too sappy? How about...

2. Jude Law, but ONLY in The Holiday. It's the only movie I can get past the nanny/womanizer thing. His character is quiet, charming, British, and oh yes, SMOKING HOT. Not only that, but he's super-cute with his little daughters. Mr. Napkin Face, anyone? Okay, I really do have to stop with this family-oriented crap, it's totally cutting into my full-fledged Dirty Smartini-ness. Moving on...

3. Noted Fashion Photographer, Nigel Barker! Absolutely must be said in a British accent. ASIDE from this completely sexy-sweet photo of Nigel Barker and his baby, pretty much all photos of the former model are completely hot. Except maybe when he has a full head of hair, which I totally don't get. Anyway, he's charming, a super-talented photographer, and he makes me laugh every ANTM panel with his unexpected snark. Also...

4. Go ahead, make fun of me, but: Chef Tom Colicchio. I admit, it was hard to find a decent photo of the Top Chef panel member. He's not particularly photogenic, strangely enough, but on TV, with those searing cool blue eyes? I didn't like him a bit the first season or two of Top Chef, mainly because he's such a hard-ass, but eventually he loosened up a bit, smiles a lot more now, making those blue eyes twinkle. And anyway, the chef hopefuls usually deserve what TC dishes out on TC. Let's just say I'd eat up Chef Colicchio's cooking any day. And finally...

5. Milo Ventimiglia. Or, as I think of him: Jess. He's Rory's Jess from Gilmore Girls, whether he's playing Rocky Balboa's son or Peter Petrelli on Heroes. I heart Jess and his brooding badass-ness, and those dark eyes, and that voice. He was totally wrong for Rory... well maybe just a little wrong for Rory. They could have worked it out. Why couldn't they have worked out? Anyway, Jess is sometimes the only thing keeping me hooked onto Heroes, as my mind tangents away from saving the world and dwells on other, much more interesting things, namely Jess's biceps.

Ladies, it was hard work serving up this Weekly Special on a Friday, after so many choice Cocktails were already taken! I do want to mention my own Sloppy Seconds, the ones that might have made my Final Five, had I taken an earlier shift: McDreamy (obviously), Christian Bale, Mr. Big, and Dr. Christian Troy. Ah, some other time, perhaps.

Must I stop at 5? 6:32 AM

Niki thought that when she proposed this Weekly Topic, those of us that are married might balk at it. .however, I assured her, we are precisely the ones that need these lists to be in place and widely known so we are allowed to pursue our freebies freely if the opportunity should present itself. It has been quite pleasurable to think about the topic for days on end now and devour some pictures searching for the best candidates and shots to post. Further, it prompted quite entertaining conversation with the Hubby (whose own list would include Tina Fey and perhaps Christina Aguilera surprisingly, but was kind of hard to come by) and our readers have been more vocal, as well. So, thanks, Nik!

Is it sad, though, that I had to go to http://www.people.com/ and look at their alphabetical list of celebrities to complete my 5?! I feel like I'm slipping and should have had these handy pretty quickly and easily. Only one or two came naturally, though, the rest I had to dig a little to realize my deep-seated passion for. Once I got going, however, it was rather difficult to stop. Of course, I was trying not to repeat any of the delectable honorees already mentioned and perhaps offer some different choices. But all of mine are strictly movie/tv based, which is not very well-rounded of me, either. oh well, let the feasting begin.

I feel like he's sort of an uncreative choice because it's so obvious. Although, actually, I know a lot of people don't really like him, but I've always had a "thing" for Mr. Brad Pitt. He just makes me swoon (except for those few disastrous straggly years of unkempt scariness. Not a fan of the Kid Rock or wildebeest looks) Sure he can have some bad moments, bad hats, or bad hair, but don't we all? And those are far outweighed by his beautifully rugged features. Those fully kissable lips, sweet dimples, those piercing eyes, expressive eyebrows, that intoxicating smile and effortless laugh. yum-my!

Gossip Girl's Chace Crawford is quite nice to look at as well. More piercing eyes and easy smile. I tend to like a sense of playfulness and occasional brooding. Must I really explain myself? Is anyone really even reading anymore, anyway?

Tom Welling. I know I just mentioned him, but I still must include Superman on my list. Strong, chiseled jawline and beautiful smile - I think I'm sensing a theme here. He can play troubled soul so well and looks nice in corn-fed plaid Americana or in a sleek suit.

Perhaps a little outside of the mold I seem to be casting, I present Jason Dohring. Previously Logan on Veronica Mars, and currently I get to watch more smugness on Moonlight. Yet another baby face - maybe it's not such a stretch for me, after all, it appears. I don't mind these guys with a little scruff either, though; that's hot, too.

Another long-time crush would be with Jeremy/Jason London (because, really, can you tell the difference?) All the way back to Man in the Moon with Reese Witherspoon, to MallRats with Jason Lee and I know Jen's with me on his role as Griffin from Po5! There's something vulnerable and real about him for me.

Definite honorable mentions:
Justin Hartley - I just recently mentioned him as well and I wanted to try not to repeat myself, or he probably would have made it on my list.

Eric Winter - Apparently, he is a former Soap star, but he's also Senator McCallister's gay brother on Brothers & Sisters and the DA on Moonlight.

Josh Duhamel - he's got a goofy sexiness that makes him very real. I don't watch Las Vegas as regularly, but when I do, I like seeing him. And I think he and Fergie are cute.

Michael Vartan - I do miss seeing you on Alias. I had trouble finding pictures, because I kept looking up Michael Vaughn!

Alex O'loughlin also of Moonlight and another square jaw, dimples, sexy smile and deep brooding.

Josh Hartnett - silent type with deeply penetrating eyes.

Angelina Jolie - that's right, just checking to see if anyone's still reading. But, she's so beautiful, if she propositioned (and she's just the right amount of dirty that she very well might), there are a few of us that wouldn't pass up that opportunity. Especially, if she included Mr. Jolie in the indecent proposal. Or am I wrong? Too far? Just thought I'd throw in a curve ball. . can't keep everything so straight-laced around here.

Sean Connery - I think silver hair and beard's are very sexy.

Tiger Woods - he's sweet, with a winning smile and I needed some kind of non-movie/tv person!

Oh and David Cook on this season of American Idol. Now, I have a musician as well. He's getting more and more smoldering as the show goes on (good work stylists!) He can sing sweetly, rock it out, is a self proclaimed "word nerd" quiet, reserved and charmingly humble yet confident.

Ok, I'll stop, because there are still 2 girls to go after me and I wouldn't want to leave them too limited.