Wasn't There A Lifetime Movie Like This? 9:38 PM

This really falls into the category of WTFriday, but it's not Friday and I've sort of overused my "WTFriday on Sunday" allotment for the time being.

Regardless of how you feel politically about Sarah Palin (and I think we can all assume how I feel), there is a story in the rumor mill that her newest born, Trig!, is not actually her son, but her grandson. Word on the street is that her oldest daughter, Bristol, was pregnant when she left high school for 5-8 months due to "mono." Apparently no one knew Palin was preggers when she made the announcement, 7 months in! Even more suspicious, she went into labor before giving a speech in Texas, gave the speech, then !flew home 8 hrs! to Alaska to have the baby. There are further scandalicious details and pictures to go along with this story, and to get to them, may as well start here.

For my two cents, the pictures don't prove a whole lot, especially the ones where the daughter is allegedly 7 months pregnant - she looks about as pregnant as her mother does at that time. I'm extremely doubtful that this story is true, but I thought since we were on the subject and all. . .may as well discuss!

And for the record, Bristol, Willow, and Piper are borderline crazy but still cute names. TRIG and TRACK, however, are downright silly. Experience aside, how can we trust a woman who would be so evil to her own children??

Like Sands Through The Hourglass 8:11 PM

Reality television is the special of the week here at the bar. But we won't be talking about any old reality show, however, oh no. We're going to get personal and tell how our lives could be a reality show.

Just which type of reality show? That's a good question... Surely our chidren don't warrant a visit from Supernanny? Or are our single barmaids dating men like there's no tomorrow like the Bachelorette? OR DID ONE OF YOU GIRLS CUSTOMIZE YOUR WHELLS ON PIMP MY RIDE?!

(Are we accessories to the crime if someone chooses Intervention?)

On Palin 1:45 PM

Our political views (I think?) run the gamut here at Smartini, from Conservative to Liberal, to (like me) somewhere in-between. I confess that while I’m intrigued by John McCain’s appointment of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his vice-presidential running mate, I’m not really feeling the fire, either way. Intrigued, recognizing the surface craftiness of this move, politically, but not all fired up about it. My co-blogger over at (Mis)Adventures, however, is quite fired up over this decision, and so I invited her, as our first official Smartini Guest Barmaid ever, to share her thoughts with the bar. Thanks, m! Drinks are on the house.

Brought to you by guest barmaid mendacious!

PALIN!

Having been made aware of her by the awesome people over at Swing State months ago, I was immediately the most politically informed I've been in a decade or 2. And let's face it I became entranced and hopeful. She's hot. She looks like Tina Fey, and she has no qualms about using a hair clip on one of the greatest days of her life. Also let's examine some of the middle-America hardcore conservative grand-slams she hit: big oil connections (and as a conservative I don't say that with a note of hatred either), down-syndrome baby (she could not get any more pro-life than that!), her son is being shipped to Iraq in 2 weeks, she hunts moose, member of the NRA, and has been married for 20 years... and dude, she gets props for being, hello, a woman, governor, in ALASKA no less!!  She is one tough cookie and probably has the smarts to match.

This was an expert "maverick" move by McCain. Any attempt to vilify her will be a slight against all women-kind and their ability to break through the great glass ceiling. And is that what any woman wants? Plus she's firmly to the right and McCain was wise to pick someone who conservatives would be happy with, because we're not that happy with him. This is the most excited I've been since Reagan was in office and I was cozy and warm by the great Republican hearth of the 80's.
Of course I can't share this with anyone in my office, because I haven't come out to them. Even though my Facebook profile says Conservative, that could mean anything. And though I have a comforting coalition, or as I like to say, my republican posse, we are in a thicket of the NDP forest here in LA. We all gathered round the telly to watch Palin announced and the sneers started and the screams of dismay and the derisive comments and I just stood silent with a chesire grin. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to face that fight, but even they all agreed that it was a f*cking smart move on McCain's part and I could not agree more.

Palin is as close to me putting a bumper sticker on my car as I'll ever get. Palin for President. Mmm, now that has a ring to it. Let's hope she doesn't disappoint. And by disappoint I mean, be embroiled in any sort of conspiracy, corruptions or infidelity... you know, a stand-up righteous person. Yah. Thanks to the ladies of Smartini for giving me a chance to come on out- loud and proud for this most awesome pick: Sarah Palin, Vice President.

Sincerely, Mendacious.  

WTF, Michael? 8:53 AM

Seriously, did anyone else realize MJ was almost 50?! And holy crap, the tranformation is wacked out and will totally give me nightmares. I mean, I know we all knew it, but seeing it so laid out for me. .ick!

While You Were at the Bar 8/29 6:00 AM

News you can use:

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin accused the U.S. of provoking the conflict with Georgia.

John McCain has made his selection for VP, and is expected to appear with his choice at a rally in Dayton, Ohio today.

Tibetan spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama was admitted to a hospital in India on Wednesday, apparently suffering from 'stomach discomfort.' This article refers to the Dalai Lama's website, which I find very amusing!

News you can lose:

You knew I was going to do it... More news from the DNC because I'm watching, even if you're not!

Al Gore cracked a recycling joke (is Al after my very own newly recycling heart?) and Obama spoke in such a way that made me not care at all about his stance on certain issues, I just wanted him to keep talking. I was unable to concentrate on anything else.

The three Obama girls had quite the lovely dresses on. Kudos to the stylist who picked them out, they looked great together.

THANK GOODNESS there were no nasty open mouth kisses like in conventions past.

At the end of Obama's speech, during the fireworks and confetti, Only In America by Brooks & Dunn played. Granted, the words were very, very fitting, but holy crap, Brooks & Dunn?! Gag.

Not related to the DNC: Pen made my Mongolian Beef last night and told me it was fabbo and that she would 'make it again fo sho.' Trust us, kids, we know some good stuff. FO SHO.

Word of the Day:

chthonic (adjective): dwelling in or under the earth; also, pertaining to the underworld

Even though Pen says they're not, the characters from her book totally sound like chthonic people.

World Without End 9:45 PM

Every time I hear the title, World Without End, I immediately think: James Bond movie! But um, no. There is no such James Bond film by this name. Instead we’re talking about this massive (1024-page) novel that yours truly just happened to finish. I’ll be honest, it took me awhile. I’m a slow reader, first of all, and second, it’s one of those that takes a few pages before you’re *in it.* But once you’re *in it,* oh boy.

World Without End is a book for anyone who likes to read. Your boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse will like it. Your parents will like it. You will like it. It’s got action, politics, romance. It’s got architecture (huh? stay with me). And mostly, it’s got history. The story takes place in 14th-century England, in the town of Kingsbridge, where two centuries earlier, in the fantastic prequel you will also have to read someday, Pillars of the Earth, a grand cathedral was built.

I’m making this sound terribly simple and boring, but trust me. Just a few pages in and you will be dying to know whether Merthin Builder and Caris Wooler will be together forever. You’ll root for Gwenda, who’s not the cutest girl in town, but is determined to win her crush, Wulfric. You’ll wonder what exactly is Caris’ “destiny.” Is Godwyn smart, or really just a giant tool? What is wrong with Ralph, why is he so disgusting and cruel. And what will become of Philemon. Not to mention Thomas!

Now you probably think I’m talking about hobbits. But no, no, they’re people, and these are their names, however weird. And their lives are just seriously fascinating to watch unfold. Read it. I’m sure the library has a copy, or if you’re really nice to me, I’ll let you borrow mine.

Hurray for books!

Long Way Down 9:34 AM

I was going to recommend a book called Manhunt,* but then I thought I am already sort of developing a reputation as the slutty, boy-crazy bartender, so perhaps I should go with my second choice. 

I hope ya'll don't kick me out of the girly bar for this, but I'm going to choose a book by a male author.  Long Way Down, by Nick Hornby is a fabulous read.  It begins on New Year's Eve in London as four people from different walks of life find themselves together on the roof of a tall building, each of them moments away from committing suicide. 

Sounds like a knee-slapper, right?  Well, actually, it is quite funny.  It's also very genuine and sweet as well.  I read this book awhile back, and although I can't remember specifics (I'm bad about that), I remember being very sad to finish and completely enjoying the experience of reading it. 

If you liked the movies High Fidelity and About a Boy, based on Hornby books - books I'd venture are even better than the films - then give this book a go.  I'll almost guarantee you won't regret it.

*The full title is actually Manhunt: The 12-day Chase for Lincoln's Killer, a non-fiction book describing the search for John Wilkes Booth after he fled the theatre where he shot Lincoln.  I listened to this book on audio during a LONG drive to Georgia, and it made the drive go by in a snap.  Yes, yes, I'm a big nerd, but the way it's written is very compelling and suspenseful.  Also, I learned a lot, so now I'm that much Smartini-er!

As If You Didn't Know I Was Trashy 7:11 AM

I'm going to admit that I just might be the very last person on the face of the earth who has been so trashy as of late. Yes, I'm a little beer drinking, trailer living trashy, but more than that I've been trashy trashy.

I have not been recycling, y'all. AT ALL.

I am so ashamed.

I've been lazy, yes, but mostly we blamed our lack of recycling on the fact that we have no room (see: trailer living) and the fact that you have to take all of your materials to the recycling center instead of getting them picked up curbside.

Turns out, I didn't really have a trashy leg to stand on. Once we started feeding Ashley jarred food, and I kept throwing those jars in the trash, I realized that there is no good excuse for this blatant disregard of landfill woes. So I started collecting glass jars and they got parked on the shelf right next to the big stack of paper grocery bags and newspapers that we have been collecting for, oh, ever.

The jar collection goes on for a while, right up until the shelf that had been bearing the weight of all those bags and papers and jars fell down ON ME one night as I was doing laundry. Time to haul my tail to the recycle center as now I had nowhere else to put the gigantic stack o' stuff. And you know what? I stop by the center one Saturday morning and see dozens of people there too, all carrying in their goodies and sorting, and I am in awe. And feeling pretty damn proud of myself.

I WANT TO FEEL THIS GOOD EVERY DAY! I say.

So here I am, after a trip to Target, with my lamper. Yes, it's called a lamper, half hamper, half laundry basket, I kid you not. (My lamper makes me think of Napoleon Dynamite and the liger, which I happen to know that Pen gets a kick out of. Maybe she needs a lamper to laugh at too?) It doesn't take up much room at all, and fits two paper bags perfectly. And now I'm saving and sorting and planning for all kinds of stuff! Yeah, I'll probably have to take it each week, but that's okay. I've got this warm fuzzy feeling from it all, and it's not just from the beer.

Perfect little lamper.

This is just a few days worth of plastic, aluminum, glass, cardboard and paper. Damn we were throwing away a bunch of recyclables! (The glass, newspaper and bags are back up on the shelf that my loving husband put back up, but no worries, the paper bags won't weigh it down again because we are taking cloth bags to the grocery store for our groceries. Look at me! I'm so responsible taking my beer and baby food home in a cloth bag!)

If you currently are as trashy as I was, take my advice: YOU CAN RECYCLE TOO! Get yourself a lamper, laugh at the likeness to a liger and feel that lovely fuzzy feeling like me! And then have a drink from a recyclable glass container that you can place in your lamper. Like me!

While You Were at the Bar 8/28 6:00 AM

News you can use:

Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal has declared a state of emergency for the impending landfall of Hurricane Gustav. Projections have Gustav as possibly hitting New Orleans and the Gulf Coast by late Monday.

No more 'presumptive nominee' for the Dems, people, it's official. The blue ticket will be Obama/Biden.

Convicted killer Jeffery Duncan III has been sentenced to death for the kidnapping, torture, assault and murder of a 9 year old boy. This guy is SICK, and I'm sorry, but after the jury had to watch a video of his heinous acts, how could they NOT sentence this guy to death?

News you can lose:

Am I the only one wathcing the DNC speeches? We gotta know this stuff, y'all. To be Smartini, ladies, we have GOT TO PAY ATTENTION! If you are like me, you saw Joe Biden winning people over left and right (oh, man, that was a fantastic pun). And his moms! Did you see his mom? Holy cow, I loved her! Oh, and BTW, Biden's wife Jill is hot.

(Whoa, are the Dems really trying to appeal to a certain demographic with all of the God references? Hill did it last night and then Biden tonight. Hmmm.)

Word of the Day:

naif (adjective): 1. Naive 2. A naive or inexperienced person

Only a naif Smartini reader would be shocked to read that we are discussing our undies.

(I know FOR SURE that I haven't used this word before! Thanks, Andi, for calling me out on repeating myself with the WOD yesterday. Oops!)

Transformation Almost Complete 10:45 PM

I dare you to look at this photo from the waist down and tell me which is which. What is going on here people, WHAT IS GOING ON??!!

Q & A, Part II (just for Megan) 9:57 PM

See comments from Q & A Part I.

Q: If you went non-veg for an evening, what restaurant would you go to, and what would you eat? (Megan)

A: A chicken wing joint. Immediately, The Blind Pig (in Athens) and Wild Wings come to mind. I would order the hottest ones, and I would dip that deliciousness into some blue cheese sauce and I would eat the hell out of them.

Then I would order another flavor. Repeat.

And so on until I hated myself for a) compromising my morals and b) eating so much that I wanted to vomit.

True Story #1: Last summer I got really drunk at a wedding and at the "after party" at a bar, I totally scarfed down some chicken wings. It was so embarrassing because the next morning everyone knew and was laughing at me. I felt like such a hypocrite and REALLY guilty about the entire debacle.

True Story #2: A couple of weeks ago* I dreamed about eating chicken wings. Perhaps I've got a protein deficiency?

(Confidential to Megan - I actually drafted the answer to this question first, before I ever answered any of the other questions on nik's notes. However, for some stupid reason, it never got posted! Also, I haven't forgotten about those other questions, I just got distracted. . .so keep an eye out because you never know when they could appear.)

*This was actually several months ago, but when I first composed the answer to Meg's question, it was two weeks, so I left it.

Q & A 8:47 PM

I suppose only kwr221 and Molly have burning questions to ask me, so here we go.  As promised, answers to questions submitted by the prize-winning captionists:

Q: How did y'all (no I'm not Southern. shut. up.) meet and how did you get started blogging here? (kwr221)

A:  I hope no one has any secrets, because I'm about to put it all out there. Most of us actually grew up together.  I've known Ashley since 1st grade, Andria since 3rd grade, and Megan since probably middle school (? I have no idea when we first met Megs!).  Tempe joined us all in 9th grade when Catholic school finally kicked her out.  Megan and I were roommates freshman and sophomore year of college, and Tempe and I were roommates for the remainder of college after I returned from 1/2 a year in England.  Ash picked up Penelope in grad school, and Pen, Megs, and Andria became fast friends via the internet in part because they all have children of similar ages.  Megan then coerced us into a group blog about 4 months ago : )  I'm sure the other ladies will serve up any delicious details I've neglected to mention!

Q: Okay, don't roll your eyes at me, I was "told" to ask this question: As you are a lawyer, what do your legal briefs look like?!!! (Molly)

A:  Cheeky girl!  I can't imagine who suggested this question to you.  I'm going to answer you straight up, though, as I assume you are referring to my knickers and not pages upon pages of legal argument (which I don't write anyway because I am a trial lawyer and only appellate lawyers write briefs; trial lawyers just make shit up).  Underwear is one of my favorite indulgences, and if I find a brand that I like, I'll usually stock up.  This has become a problem as my underwear of choice keeps increasing in price.  Currently my top picks are Honeydew boyshorts and various styles of lacy, sassy hipsters sold at UrbanOutfitter.  These aren't Hollywood-style prices, but on my teeny budget, they sure as hell aren't Hanes Her Way (which I'm not doggin, just sayin' they are more cost-effective).  I really used to be into Hanky Panky thongs, and I still am, but these boyshort/hipster things sometimes do just as good of a job of eliminating VPL and I don't have dental floss stuck up my butt all day; of course, sometimes only a thong will do.  Honestly, I can talk about panties (or pants, for our British readers) all day long, so please let us know what YOUR briefs look like as well!

If one is good, more is better 6:25 AM

I know technically we are supposed to be recommending a book this week, but I'm going to actually recommend an author: Jennifer Crusie. I admit, like fellow barmaid, Ashley, I am a big fan of trashy romance novels. For the longest time, I loved reading period stories of scantily clad heroines with milky white breasts and heaving, horses, boats, castles, corsets and chambermaids, by authors such as Katherine Woodiwiss, so my recommendations may not jive with everyone. Considering that, Crusie's books are a smart, updated version that I fell into and really enjoyed the modern take. I have read everything I could get my hands on and have enjoyed them all - each one unique and fresh, but with the right mix of ingredients for me: riddled with sexual tension, plot twists and witty banter. They are great summer reads (I read many of them laying out on the boat with a drink in my hand) and maybe some of you will enjoy them as well in the fleeting days of summer that remain.

While You Were at the Bar 8/27 6:00 AM

News you can use:

Hurricane Gustav made land fall in Haiti yesterday, bringing sustained winds at 75 mph. The hurricane triggered a landslide that killed one man, the only known casualty so far. Gustav is projected to possibly hit the Gulf coast by Saturday.

More news from the DNC: Hills spoke last night and when she walked on stage I thought HEAVEN HELP US, SHE'S WEARING A PANTSUIT AGAIN. And then she mentioned her 'Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuits' and I almost died. I don't care who you are (or who you vote for) that's funny.

A computer glitch at many of the nation's airports had hundreds of flights delayed Tuesday. The glitch was in the system used for filing flight plans, however the cause is not known.

News you can lose:

Bills, at the DNC last night, was SO Darryl Hammond on Saturday Night Live with his lip biting and thumbs upping. Also, the words 'I bet he's getting a hummer right now' might have been said at my house.


Also, how do you like the book reading gal to the right? That's what I thought!

Word of the day:

melange (noun): a mixture, a medley

Looking at the nice mixture of books we are recommending here at the bar, it's quite the melange!

Katie, You Tight Rollin' Mess 1:21 PM

Karen (in her fully pregnant, about to explode state) sent me this article calling Katie Holmes FASHION FORWARD.

I'm sorry, what?

Bobbie Thomas goes on about how menswear is in vogue and we simply all must wear button down shirts, vests and relaxed jeans. Ok, ok, I'll bite on that because hey, what do I know? I still think Crocs are the ugliest shoe out there.

No, wait, let me tell you what I DO KNOW. This shit is FUGLY. I was never a fan of the new skinny jean look, so I'll go for the relaxed jean move... but never, ever, ever for the rest of my natural days will I EVER tight roll my jeans (again, because yes, back in the sixth grade that was cool). And even if I did, it certainly would not be as much rollin' as KHC has done here... Were these jeans 8 inches too long for her?

Which brings me to another problem with the article:
"Katie Holmes has literally been wearing Tom's jeans!"

Apparently Bobbie has never seen Katie standing next to Tom. Or Tom standing next to anyone over 5 feet tall, for that matter.

While You Were at the Bar 8/26 6:00 AM

News you can use:

Ted Kennedy spoke at the DNC last night and got everybody a whipped into a frenzy. I watched a little of Michelle Obama's speech and wondered why do we hear from the candidates wives all of the time? What happens if your wife isn't a lawyer and excellent speaker?

American Idol will start the next season with a fourth judge. Songwriter Kara DioGuardi will join the panel and support Paula Abdul with more 'girl power.'

The Prime Minister of Iraq has declared that the U.S. and Iraq have agreed to have all troops out of the country by the end of 2011. Washington will not confirm this statement

News you can lose:

I rather like making this section just my senseless notes and observations, so I might continue. ESPECIALLY since no one said 'Awww...' yesterday like I really hoped they would. (Which would have only encouraged me, so actually, good move on your part.)

Yesterday I played my beer drinking song for some people and work and they laughed at me. Flat. Out. Then they decided that instead of saying 'chicken friiiiiied' it sounded like he was saying 'chicken fiiiiight' and they started making up lines to the new hokey Georgia cock fightin' song. 'You know I love my chicken fiiiiights, take a spur to the eyyyyye'

Yesterday Sheila commented that her English husband was embarassed by the mayor of London. I sure am glad that someone else agrees with me that he looked a bit like an oaf! Then Molly got all excited because she heard the word English and started throwing out words of her own like Brummie. Mols, if you're not scanning, please tell us what a Brummie is.

Word of the Day:

Hobson's choice (noun): a choice without an alternative; the thing offered or nothing

(I have never heard of this in my life.)

It really was a Hobson's choice, there was no other way to be Smartini other than to read! And hey, if all your library has is trashy romance novels, that's the Hobson's choice burden you have to carry. And then tell us so that we can go to your library and Hobson's choice too.

Elbow Kissing 9:11 PM

No Flying in the House by Betty Brock was one of my favorite books growing up. Maybe it was because the first time I heard the story was from my sister, who was learning to read books and enjoyed practicing by reading aloud to me before dinner each night. Maybe it was because, like Harry Potter, Anabel Tippens discovers she's not exactly who she thought she was. Maybe it was because I learned that you're a fairy if you can kiss your elbow. Whatever the case, the title - and the cover art shown here which was the very cover on the copy at the W-ville library - stayed with me.

I used to hope that I was a fairy. That I would miraculously be able to bend my arm in such a way that it would be feasible to get my mouth on my elbow. At the very least, I thought I deserved a tiny dog named Gloria who could talk and do 367 tricks. None of that's come to fruition as of yet, but I still hope that one day, I'll wake and be able to take a turn around the house - at zero gravity.

LIT MOB 9:30 AM

Since we’re on the topic of books this week, I’d like to draw your attention to a new book reviews site, Lit Mob. It’s just book reviews, brief and to the point, of recent book releases the Lit Mob authors feel worth a person’s time. As they say,

“We won’t love them all, and we won’t be afraid to voice our opinion.  We are independent, intelligent, and LOVE books - just like you.”

Ah. Refreshing.

The only thing I don’t jive with is their apparent shunning of Harry Potter books, but whatevs. No one is perfect. I can disregard certain peccadilloes for the sake of additional great books.

I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies) 7:11 AM

Thanks to Pen, who heeded my call for a book exchange, I have now been introduced to Laurie Notaro and I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies): True Tales of a Loudmouth Girl. Pure genius, it is, and as such I am wholeheartedly recommending it to you.

I don't know where I've been hiding, having never heard of Laurie or her first (and rather popular) book, The Idiot Girls Action Adventure Club, but hide no more! After reading this laugh out loud book of baby chapters of hilarious happenings, I will be hitting up the local library for other Notaro gems pronto! Even better than that, I may order a few of them from A Better World Books (from Pen's suggestion, as well) since they promote buying used books and each purchase supports literacy.

From I Love Everybody, a chapter about Laurie's favorite brown cords after getting slightly shrunk in the dryer (whereupon she engages in some deep knee bends to, you know, stretch them out a bit):


"My pants exploded," I said as I shook my head. "My pants just... detonated. They... kind of... blew up."

And then I showed Jamie how, just at mid-inner thigh level, my pants had been pushed to the brink, and how, just at the inner seam, the pressure of my knee bends had cut through the fabric with the precision of a laser beam at a complete 360 degrees, slicing the pant leg off as if it were horizontally chopped by a guillotine. Not vertically, but horizontally, that's how much my gargantuan double-wide ass should NOT have been in those pants. They tore against the grain. The inner seam was still miraculously held together by several threads, although the remainder of the fabric that once bound the leg to the rest of my pants was now reduced to a brown thread cloud, some still floating in the air, some settling finally on the floor.

"Oh!" Jamie gasped again, covering her mouth. "Knee bends!"

"Knee bends," I confirmed, aghast and nodding.

"It's amazing," my best friend offered. "It's as if they were cut by a knife. Right across. I've never seen anything like it! Or, for that matter, like that little brown haze behind you! Wow, look at that. It's the soul of your pants leaving its earthly prison."

While You Were at the Bar 8/25 6:00 AM

News you can use:

Ah politics:

Senator Obama chose Senator Joe Biden to be his VP. Biden brings years of experience to the table, most notably foreign relations experience.

The Democratic National Committee voted yesterday to restore Florida and Michigan's full voting rights at the convention. This move could be seen as trying to unify the party, or it could be seen as letting the rule breakers out of their punishment.

The Democratic National Convetion gets underway tonight in Denver. Bill Clinton is among several well known speakers. With Fla. and Mich. delegates voting, will Hill contend for the nomination?

Tropical Storm Fay just wouldn't leave Florida this weekend and caused massive rains and flooding. President Bush has declared several counties a 'major disaster area.'

News you can lose:

The Olympics are finito, much to addled brain's delight, but I'm still a little let down. As I'm sure you all are now that you won't get to read my daily dish. Everybody say it with me now: 'Awwwww...' (Did you see the mayor of London during the closing ceremony? He looked like a goober with his coat open and shaggy hair.)

Word of the Day:

comity (noun): A state of mutual harmony, friendship, and respect, especially between or among nations or people; civility

Aren't the Olympics just the perfect display of comity, what with everyone from all different coutries gettting along? Or, is there really a whole bunch of comity? Or does everyone hate the U.S. for sending a boatload of athletes and racking up the medal count?

Bartender’s Choice: BOOKS 8:15 PM

This week at the bar, you will walk away ever more Smartini. Each of the ladies will recommend a book to you all, our patrons, offering the basic 411 and a teaser.

The rules:

1. The Smartini barmaid will have read and enjoyed said book, though not necessarily in recent weeks or months.
2. The Smartini barmaid will not recommend any book in the Harry Potter series, because that’s too easy, and if you haven’t read the Harry Potter books yet, it’s a given that you must do so immediately.
3. Recommended book selection will (ideally) not be something that everyone has already heard of and/or read.

By the end of the week, we want you tripping out of the bar and down the street to your local library. Because remember: Smartini ladies are well-rounded ladies. And more importantly, your drinking arm could always use a good book to balance out the other.

Chicken Fry Me 12:24 PM

I am absolutely digging this song and don't know if I will take it off of repeat any time soon. The Zac Brown Band describes their music as 'lake music' and I couldn't agree more. They are from Georgia (my people!) and will definitely speak to the Southern at heart, and pretty much anyone else who enjoys a good beat and drinking beer.

If my husband is paying the slightest bit of attention, he will order this for me pronto and bring home a six pack. And we'll get chicken fried, if you know what I mean, and I'm pretty sure that you do.

WTFriday: Taking Your Moms To China 9:17 AM

Did y'all hear about Misty May-Treanor spreading her mother's ashes on the sand after her gold medal match? Apparently she did the same thing in Athens after she and Kerri Walsh won the gold medal there.

I'm all for keeping the deceased close in your heart and all, but really? Putting some of Mrs. May on the sand at Chaoyang Park? What do you think the officials of the park thought? Quite honestly, I don't think I would want to leave precious pieces of my dearly departed all over the place. I'm thinking that I would want to find a special place to the two of us and scatter the last earthly remains there...

And she brought her mom's ashes over in a film canister type thing.

Note to A & E: If you are going to spread my flakey remains about, make damn sure that you put me in something nice. Not that I need a diamond crusted container, but something better than a film canister. Maybe a tupperware dish or a Ziploc baggie? Thanks.

Mongolia is Next to China Thus This is Olympic Food 8:47 AM

Just in time for the end of the Olympics, I am FINALLY posting this recipe for Mongolian Beef. I have modified it to fit my personal preference and experiences below, but should you not trust me and my thighs that prove that, yeah, I know some good food when I see it, check out the original.

This is absolutely one of my top five favorite recipes and I would surely eat it nonstop if my family would agree that yes, it's a good idea to eat spicy beef and vegetables every single day. Quite frankly I don't see what the problem is, but I like to keep some sort of peace in my house so we'll only have this once a week month.

(Don't let the ingredients list scare you off as you contemplate making this wonderful dish of deliciousness! Since I don't regularly use sesame seeds and red pepper flakes, I had to buy them, but they are totally worth it. You cannot glance over these items, I tell you! You will be rewarded for your minimal effort at the grocery store. Trust me. Otherwise, everything else is pretty standard.)

Really obscure ingredient (that only costs a few bucks in the spice department of your grocery store)

• 1 teaspoon sesame seeds

Marinade:

• 3 tablespoons soy sauce
• 3 tablespoons cornstarch
• 6 cloves garlic, minced
• 1 pound beef round steak, cut into thin strips

Sauce:

• 3/4 cup water
• 2 tablespoons soy sauce
• 2 1/2 teaspoons cornstarch
• 1/2 teaspoon white sugar
• 1 teaspoon red pepper flakes

Other stuff:

• 2 tablespoons vegetable oil, divided
• 2-3 carrots, cut into 2 inch sticks
• 1 bunch green onions, cut into 2 inch pieces
• pea pods, optional, cooked

Getting Down To Bidness:

1. In a dry skillet over medium heat, toast sesame seeds for 1 to 2 minutes, or until the seeds begin to turn golden brown; set aside.
2. In a medium bowl, mix together marinade. Stir in beef strips. Let stand for at least 10 minutes.
3. In a separate small bowl, mix together sauce with sesame seeds; set aside.
4. Heat 1 tablespoon of oil in a wok or skillet over high heat. Cook and stir beef, with marinade, in hot oil for 1 minute; remove, and set aside.
   
5. Heat remaining tablespoon of oil in the same pan. Saute carrots and white part of green onions for 2 minutes. Stir in green parts of the green onion, and saute for 1 minute. Stir in sesame seed mixture, peas (optional) and beef. Cook and stir until sauce boils and thickens.

(The peas that I used (Bird's Eye) come frozen in a bag that you can just pop in the microwave and cook for a few minutes, right in the bag, easy as pie.)

Serve over rice and you're done! If you are a Veggie-tarian, I suppose you could just marinate the veggies and cook in the sauce, sans meat, but possibly cut down on the amount?

Whip this up this weekend and I guarantee that you will not only feel the perfect tingling of spicy yet not so bad you think you will die, but you will feel ever closer to the Olympians and their time in China (which is next door to Mongolia).

While You Were at the Bar 8/22 6:00 AM

News you can use:

Tropical Storm Fay keeps pounding Florida with wind and rain. Two people have drowned as a result of Fay.

Senator Barack Obama says he has decided on his running mate. The two are expected to appear at a stop in Springfield, Ill. on Saturday. The Obama faithful will be receiving text messages of who the new VP is sometime prior to the official announcement. Maybe Niki can give us a heads up?

Two earthquakes have hit the same county in China in the past two days. Three people are reported dead and over 100 are reported injured.

News you can lose:

Aren'tTheOlympicsOverYet:

- I'm running dangerously low on steam for the Olympico.

- One of the Chinese divers looks like she hasn't eaten in weeks.

- I agree with Kristen, the male beach volleyball players should AT LEAST take their shirts off.

- Do I need to give the USA relay team a lesson in baton handling? I am a high school professional, after all...

Word of the Day:

juju (noun): 1. An object superstitiously believed to embody magical powers 2. The power associated with a juju.

We've got good juju going on here at the bar. Or is it the bar that has the good juju?

Debbie Downer Visits the Bar 8:12 AM

I am basically a 21-year old guy. I'm totally self-involved, I'm in no hurry to get married, I'm not interested in having kids, and I don't clean. True, I don't binge drink 3-7 nights per week, nor do I sleep with lots of girls, but if you walked into my house you would swear some college dudes lived here.

It's not that I'm nasty. I don't leave food lying around, leftovers growing a science experiment on the coffee table, or spilt milk on the counter. But that's about as far as it goes.

Most of my tidying up goes on purely in my mind. On Friday evenings or Saturday mornings I'll empty what's left of the clean dishes from the dishwasher into the cabinets. Then I'll load the dirty ones, that have built a tower in my sink accumulating from the last week, into the dishwasher. I'll have every intention of not letting it happen again. But guess what - it always does. After the dishes, I'll sweep up the downstairs because dog hair is a bitch, and every so often I'll even mop the kitchen and Masala's "unsupervised" area.

Beyond that . . . basically I do laundry when I run out of underwear and am too broke to buy more. (Only once have I had to turn underwear inside out, like boys do, but that was a special situation.) When the laundry is clean . . . NEVER gets folded (ironically, it may make it onto a hanger or into a drawer when I've worn it once and don't feel it's reached full dirty potential).

All this is to say, that none of you have anything to worry about by having a few piles around the house. TRUST. You can feel content that you are cleaner than me. My entire house, except for my bed, is a pile (although, I have been known to sleep with clean clothes pushed to the other side of the bed from time to time).

Excuses - I've got loads of them.

* My house is too big for one person

* I'm a single "parent" (I know he's not a child, but Masala has to be walked 1.5 - 2 hours a day people. That's not nothing.)

* My job is extremely stressful and wears me down

* I work out a lot

* I'm tired!

* No time in the evenings

* Many weekends I go out of town

Right - like I'm the only one in the world with these issues. The truth of the matter - I'm both lazy and I hate to clean. Lethal combination. So unless someone is coming over, my house is rarely presentable.

I know what you're thinking - Shut up already and give us the pictorial evidence!

I'm sorry, but I can't do more than one tiny picture. For all of you it's funny and mildy embarassing, but for me, it's literally a life-long struggle.  I didn't get the "clean/orderly gene."  In high school and college it's sort of expected, but really, at 29 years old, I should grow up already. I'm extremely self-conscious and ashamed of it, but I know without a major overhaul, it's not going to change. And really, I'm struggling enough in my life as it is - with figuring out how to be a "real lawyer" to surviving in a small town to juggling a long-distance relationship - this just isn't really a priority. But that doesn't mean I don't care either. It's like being 200 lbs overweight - you know you are, you know you should do something about it, but the task seems insurmountable, so why even try? (And you definitely don't go onto the beach in a bathing suit, advertising to everyone how big you are!)

My to-be-shredded-then-recycled junk mail pile, used to sit in pretty decorative blue bowl.  Cleaner in foreground purchased about 2 weeks ago in bold attempt to clean bathroom; cleaner has not made it's way to proper storage facility for unknown reasons.  Also can see a hint of bananas that I've totally forgotten to eat and will probably throw out tonight (this actually doesn't happen often b/c I heart bananas!) and the kettle which I have been using nightly to make echinacea wellness tea; I don't know why it won't sit beneath the counter in it's proper location in between uses.

So there you have it. A secret confession from one of your barmaids. I'm thinking I should give myself a label, something sort of the opposite of OCD. I'm open to suggestion, but here are my ideas so far:

* DGFD - Don't Give a F Disorder

* IDILS - I'll Do It Later Syndrome

* IRBWTD - I'd Rather Be Watching Television Disease

* BTDA - Better Things to Do Affliction

While You Were at the Bar 8/21 6:00 AM

News you can use:

Casey Anthony, the mother of Caylee Anthony, a missing Florida girl, may be released from prison today after a bounty hunter has posted her bond. I don't understand this mother. What in the hell is going on with this case? Keep your fingers crossed that the cadaver dogs were wrong.

A Spainair airplane crashed during takeoff yesterday in Madrid. The plane, a MD-82, apparently had one of its engines catch fire and cause an explosion. The flight had 172 people aboard, 19 of which survived, including two infants.

Monopoly is going global, as it unveils a new game with 22 international cities on the board.

News you can lose:

OlympicsAreGoingToKillMe:

- Is it just me or do you not like it either that MSN.com announces the results from competitions that are yet to be seen? I'm thinking of changing my homepage for the next few days.

- I heard that synchronized swimming was on last night but never found it, no matter how hard I tried!

- I'm still missing the swimmers' physiques...

- I TOLD YOU that those outfits Misty May and Kerri Walsh had to wear made me nervous, being itty bitty and WHITE and all... and then the gold medal match happened (which they won, woohoo!) in the pouring down rain. Turns out, I had every reason to be nervous for them, if you know what I mean.

- I am really regretting the fact that I did not take full advantage of the Olympics being in ATL when I lived near there. Although, when soccer was held in Athens, you couldn't go 5 feet without hitting a foreign SOCCER BOY. Damn being 17 and too stupid to maximize the situation!

Word of the Day:

bruit (transitive verb): to report; to noise abroad

The barmaids, as it has been widely bruited, are not the most clean and orderly of ladies. I mean, their homes! Their homes are not the most clean and orderly!

Caption Contest Winner(s)! 9:00 PM

In typical liberal fashion, I don't think we need to be ranking captions, hurting captions' feelings, and labeling captions' worthiness - because it's early for the captions, you know? We should encourage them, not put them on a self-fulfulling prophetic track to failure or success.

That's why I've decided that all the contestants were winners in their own way. Hell, they all beat my own idea which was simply: [insert favorite expletive]

Closest to my own thinking:

"Gulp." - kwr221

Most accurate portrayal of what Masala was actually thinking:
"Yeah, so what you going to do about it?" - Molly

Best use of the picture:

"But the floor was so hard, and my nose was so cold!" - Megan

Reader's choice:
"It's the same thing every damn time we bring him to Build-A-Bear." - Lorrie

Funniest scenario if the inverse were true:
"So. . .it's not cotton candy?" - Pen

Perfect use of a question mark:
"Sorry?" - kwr221

Congratulations winners! As promised, your handsome reward is that I'll answer whatever burning question you have for me on my next shift if you leave it in the comments. Also as promised, I will tell you that the object of Masala's affection/disdain was his newly purchased bed. You can't tell, but it was all furry and soft and totally awesome for him to lie on. Apparently he had other plans.

In addition, I'd like to recognize kwr221's outstanding effort in this endeavor. In her honor, a giant, kick-ass martini glass:

Thanks to everyone who participated! They were all fabulous submissions!

confessions of a laundry piler 3:43 PM

I've come out of my wine-induced haze enough to realize that I am late in posting this week! Here's my dirty little secret:

I am really awesome at doing laundry. Sorting, washing, drying, folding...I give our clothes the greatest of care. I even fold Chris' shirts that way his mama did (gag, I know).

But putting them away? Well, that's another story.


Our clothes are EVERYWHERE! In laundry baskets, on top of the dryer, on top of my bureau. Our guest room has become a "staging area" for clean and dirty clothes (though, thankfully, not at the same time.)







And, really, I can't even blame my husband. When we entered into that lovely state of holy matrimony, the very first compromise we made was this: Chris would do the dishes, and I would do the laundry. (This is simply because I loathe doing dishes, and he feels the same about washing clothes.) But, unlike me, Chris actually completes his task: he puts the dishes away every night. (Damn overacheiver.)


I could blame the fact that our house has very little storage area...but we all know that's BS. I'm just too darn lazy to go through the drawers, give away old clothes, etc, and re-organize. I always feel like I have better things to do - cooking dinner, working at night, spending quality time with the hubby.


And drinking wine.

In the closet 6:35 AM

For this week's special, I reveal to you the dreaded state of my closet. I'm not sure how well it's captured - I alternately look at it and think it's not that bad (there's something deceiving about hanging clothes) and then shudder in horror and want to run and hide (under that big pile of sh*t would probably cover me nicely)

You'll notice there is a step stool in there somewhere, buried beneath the clothes I take off and discard.
It should be used to reach the top levels, so they don't end up looking like I jumped and poked a hanger up there to pull things down or just threw them back on top, which, in fact, I do.

and sadly, it spills out into all areas of the room. . Little Man helps make trails that look like they lead to and from the closet of doom. And I could have kept going to capture the unpacked bag spewing clothes next to the hamper or the socks and massive shoes dispersed on the floor in front of Hubby's neat and orderly closet.

But wait, there's more! Not to be outdone by fellow barmaid, Pen, when it's my WS topic. Even though it's cheating and still not comparable because I'm using multiple examples (but her room was so big!) I should hesitate to give you further evidence of my closet horrors; throughout my house and infiltrating more poor children's rooms. I thought they were mostly organized, but they seem to picture differently than what I had in my head. Why or why must I feel competitive about this and disclose so much more than required? My hubby will bemoan this post as well, I'm sure.

Little Man's closet
Blankets and boxes of clothes he's outgrown that we're saving for nephews as well as baby girl clothes.

Up top: Boxes of Big boy sizes kindly handed down from a neighbor and left over diapers from Sweet Pea, that incidentally, we just took down this weekend to use on Little Man, after taking these pictures.


Sweet Pea's closet really spills over into the room. Unpacked suitcases, boxes of clothes (Halloween costume) she's outgrowing to save for friends and niece; wedding veil and slip in her closet?! our suitcases are stored in there as well; her toy bike; mounds of shoes; old curtains; empty shoe boxes, because they are so cute and *might* be used for something one day.

While You Were at the Bar 8/20 6:00 AM

News you can use:

The Georgia boys who claimed to have found Bigfoot were big fat liars. While I am not surprised, I am a bit ashamed since those are my people. ::hangs head::

Tropical Storm Fay hit Florida's coast yesterday and spawned several tornadoes. No deaths were reported, but Fay is expected to continue on to eastern Florida where a tropical storm warning has been issued.

There is more speculation about the vice-presidential nominations from each party. Who knows? I think I can honestly say that I don't care. I really don't. DOES IT EVEN MATTER? Unless Obama chooses Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius. Then I will care A WHOLE LOT.

News you can lose:

Somebody Stop the Olympics Madness:

- Where have my swimmers gone? The gymnasts aren't cutting it for me.

- Oh Nono, Lolo! I wanted her to win the gold so bad... Somebody had even carved her face in ice at the Iowa State Fair!

- I need sleep.

More news you can lose:

I made Pen's Cherry Chocolate Chip Cookies last night and they are delish. For reals. If you or someone you love is a chocolate covered cherry person, they will kiss your face for these. I can say that with personal experience to back it up.

In regards to the silver medal in the egg cooking contest, I will use the Army's very famous Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy. Karen, surely you understand, being an Army girl and all?

Word of the Day:

aestival (adjective): of or belonging to the summer

I'm a fan of the aestival Olympics OR I'm pretty sure all of the Smartin barmaids are aestival girls OR Aestival items include ligntning bugs, lemonade and suntan lotion.

Signature Drink 3:41 PM

I just came across this web site to personalize your email address and thought I'd share. I haven't tried it myself or really investigated it, but I know how creative and personal our clientele like to be (as well as some of the barmaids, themselves). So, if you are looking for a new email to reflect your personality or true love of socks or whatever, check it out.

A Dirty Little Montage 8:00 AM

(I’m so proud of this post, I can’t help it—I’m going early.)

 

Welcome to Pen’s Walk-In Closet of Sh*t (WICOS),

a.k.a. The Laundry Room

Enter at your own risk.

First you will see this shelf, which used to live in our kitchen. In spite of the chaotic facade, it’s actually quite organized. I mean it. Granted, there are some things I could *probably* weed out, but they are the type of things you finally get rid of and a week later you have a burning, vexing need for them. Like what if we got a puppy, or something? We have a box chock-full of tiny collars and matching leashes. (That stuff’s expensive to replace! Right?) Everything on this shelf is in its proper place, even it is superfluous. Some of the boxes are even labeled.

 

More organized chaos to your left. The white shelf contains all painting supplies. We have painted every room in the house since moving in, some of them twice. So there. Above that shelf is a pegboard wall that isn’t too horrible, as far as the clutter goes. The next shelf contains all of mine and K.Lo’s crafty-type stuff. Greeting cards, sewing supplies for wayward buttons, sidewalk chalk, things like that. Again, everything in its place, it just looks…busy. To the left of that, all my cleaning supplies and Whatnot—garden stuff, some cookie tins I use at Christmas time. And above that, way up high, hmmm. Those three amazon boxes contain something, and I believe they are organized within. But I’m not sure exactly what the something is. I suspect they are crafts that K.Lo and N.Lo will use someday, but are currently too young for.

Below the cleaning supplies, next to the crafty shelf, we have a problem.

 

A big problem. I blame J.Lo. This is his PILE OF SH*T within the CLOSET OF SH*T. I have nothing to do with this pile. Which is why it looks that way. Every now and again, he’ll go through and organize, but things don’t really go back where they belong, in between these alleged cleanings. And that blue crate contains many useful items, but good luck finding what you need without skewering your hand clean through with an errant Tool of Death. This table is a pit. One time I spilled gun cleaning fluid on the table, and J.Lo got all mad at me, saying, “Just don’t light any matches in there.” Well, a) I wouldn’t light any matches in The Closet of Sh*t, regardless, because it would very likely implode, and b) If the Pile of Sh*t were more orderly, I might have seen this so-called flammable gun cleaner to avoid spillage. I’m just saying.

 

Below The Pile of Sh*t Table, we have the recycling bins. J.Lo usually takes these up to the recycling place once a week. Just special for you, and according to Andi’s rules, I shot these pictures before a recycling trip—and after a two-week buildup. Totally looks like sh*t, doesn’t it.

 

 

 

 

Doubles (apparently) as a Toy Chest, though. Ew.

 

 

 

Continuing on our journey, you might ask what K.Lo is pointing at in that picture above. It’s this chair:

Which I secretly worry is going to clunk down on someone’s one of these days and knock the person unconscious, a la the lead pipe weapon in Clue. But even worse is this:

That’s a bike trainer. You attach it to the back wheel of your bike, so you can exercise in the house. Pretty cool, huh? I used to use it, once upon a time. It’s pretty loud and annoying, but it’s a decent workout. Someday, I might even use it again. In the meantime, it’s just hanging there, plotting with gravity to commit Murder One.

All right, we’re almost over by the washer and dryer, the *true* function of the WICOS. I might as well show you the potty/potty seat I keep meaning to put up in the attic, but haven’t gotten around to yet. I could at least put it someplace less stupid in the meantime.

But see how organized I keep my wrapping paper? (Behind the trash can. Which is kind of in the way, but whatever. It doesn’t fit anywhere else.)

 

 

Oh look, there’s the washer and dryer! See the Charlie’s Soap on top of it? Haven’t put that away where I’d like to yet, because that space is occupied:

 

 

 

 

 

Again, somewhat organized but FULL.

 

 

 

 

And then here we have the Deep Dark Corner, filled (in a semi-organized way) with mailing supplies—boxes and other packing materials I’ll reuse whenever.

 

 

Here is what causes me the most pain: This Walk-In Closet of Shit doesn’t actually afford one room (at the moment) to walk. That ExerSaucer and the pile o’ crap on top of it is going off to goodwill or similar. N.Lo’s floaty for the pool, don’t know where to put that, maybe in the shed? Although I’ve been indefinitely banned by J.Lo from putting anything else in the shed. And then there’s just extra dog food, a case of beer, a laundry hamper… Any time I go into the WICOS, I have to shuffle around 50 items in order to reach the item I want—sometimes. If the room’s cleared out like it should be, then no chess match required.

Basically, the WICOS would not be such a WICOS if I weren’t so darn lazy.

To wrap up our tour, I should also mention that I have few dirty secrets within the dirty secret. One is this fancy arrangement over the washer and dryer:

All my holiday decor lives in there. It’s quite nice, actually, to have the storage space, and it was a big selling point when we bought this house. It’s more accessible than the attic, and it doesn’t get blazing hot so as to cook all the contents. I’m not revealing what it looks like in there, however. You might not understand.

That is all I shall reveal at this time. I will have you know that the recyclables were taken away a few days after these photos were taken, and I’m *this* close to loading up the car with the to-be-donated items and maybe even dropping them off in a timely fashion, instead of leaving them in my car for a month. Which means that I might actually be able to walk in the Walk-In Closet of Sh*t. For a few days, until something else finds a home there.

Also note that future plans for the Lo. Company include a complete overhaul/renovation of what is supposed to be the Laundry Room. It may look like one, someday.

This concludes our tour of the WICOS. Say good-bye now to the depraved youth who suffer in its dark shadow.