Down and Dirty 1:42 AM

We seem to have some dirty girls and I’m definitely no exception!! (And it makes me so happy to hear I’m not alone or far off on my cleaning regimen – or lack thereof)

Back when I had a job, we hired someone to come clean once a month and I LOVED it. Even if I did have to “clean up” before she came, it was a good prompt – kind of like having guests over. My husband is definitely neater than I am. I have issues with piles. And things don’t bother me as much or I fall more into the category of “why bother, it’s just going to get messed up again” (in like 5 seconds when Wild Man comes tearing through the room). I think people fall into that category with making up the bed: either you really like to have the bed made or you think “what’s the point, I’m just going to be getting back into it tonight.” Except, I fall in the middle where I like for it to at least be straightened back up so that when I do get into it the sheets and blankets are not waded up somewhere I can’t pull them up (we have 2 large dogs that commonly sleep in the bed, so it’s difficult to wrestle enough covers out from under them if you didn’t have them in place beforehand) When we first got married and had all of those nifty decorative pillows and fancy bedding, I would make it up religiously and it made me feel better to have my bed made. The rest of the house could be a disaster, but there was some order if the bed was made. As the years have passed and the bedding worn, I don’t put in the effort as much to make it all perfect every morning. Usually, I’m getting out of it to go get a child that’s crying anyway and don’t get to go the bathroom, put in my contacts or brush my teeth first either. And we climb back in it for naps, too.

When we had someone come once a month I felt like if I could just do the bigger things once between her visits, I was doing something! So, I’m kind of on an every two weeks schedule: change the sheets (see above about dogs and I just like to have clean, fresh smelling sheets! The issue is also changing out the big comforters and getting those washed at the dry cleaners! I try to keep blankets on top that I can wash at home, but they still get shifted and expose the sheets and covers at times) change out towels, mop (Swiffer), clean toilets (I use the tablets and those help and with potty training I tend to wipe them down with Clorox wipes fairly regularly; every couple of days, but actually getting the brush out and scrubbing happens less often)

I actually wash the windows fairly often. Again, with two large slobbery dogs and two young kids our windows tend to film up rather quickly! Plus, we have the extra tall windows that come nearly to the floor, so there’s more to mess up and notice. I only do the ones on the main floor. I can’t think of the last time I cleaned any in the bedrooms and I’m not sure I’ve ever cleaned the laundry room window since we moved in 6 years ago!

I used to clean the counters a lot more often, but even that has slipped. We have a cover in our microwave to help prevent the splattering, so it’s probably once a month, maybe? Same for the kitchen sink, unless there was something extra gross in it that just needs to be cleaned. And the stove top. I’ll wipe it down, but it’s much less often that I take things apart and really scrub (or put parts in the dishwasher to be washed). Speaking of, loading and unloading the dishwasher is an everyday occurrence as is laundry and vacuuming, but not every room. It just stays out to suck up all of the food in the kitchen and the living room where it’s tracked before I managed to get it cleaned up. I love clean clothes, but have issues putting them up. Especially socks. I hate matching socks. And I wear fun socks, so they are easy, but the monotonous white, gray or black socks of Hubby or the tiny socks of the kids just seem endless. I throw socks into a laundry basket and they get done when it’s almost overflowing and the drawers are running out (once a month?)

Bathroom mirrors and sinks get cleaned maybe once a week? I don’t like toothpaste splatter and smudge marks on the mirrors and our sinks are old and just seem to have a film to them. So, add in toothpaste buildup or if Hubby shaves and gets tiny hairs everywhere. ick. The kids like to help with the mirrors. I used to love helping clean mirrors when I was little. I’d take lipstick and write notes or pictures on them first and then clean them. weird, huh? And dusting. I used to love dusting when I was little even though I was allergic. Now, does it count when you run your sleeve over the table or use a sock? I wipe surfaces down regularly, because we have a lot of black furniture and it shows up, but I don’t always get the Pledge out and move objects to really get the whole shelf  like I should.

We generate a lot of trash and I take that out from the kitchen a lot, but it’s less often that I gather trash from all of the little bathroom trashcans upstairs.

I HATE scrubbing tubs, so I don’t do it really much at all. When it gets bad, I get a washcloth and use my foot to rub it around while I’m taking a shower! pretty sad, huh?

Cleaning up our act 8:06 PM

We're getting squeaky clean this week at the bar and discussing our cleaning regimens. If you've been with us for any amount of time, you know that some of us are cleaner than others. We've aired our dirty laundry before and now we have a laundry list of household chores we'll be honestly detailing our routines on. We may even confess the chores we despise and the ones we secretly enjoy doing. So, snap on your rubber gloves and start scrubbing! Or don't, if that's not your thing.

I don't sweat, I glisten! 10:07 PM

I typically don't sweat profusely, but since I have taken up running and especially now that it's getting hotter outside, man! ick. And I feel like I keep sweating. .even after I shower. But, it's still nothing compared to my kickboxing instructor that is just drenched and dripping after class with just the outline of her thong the only dry patch of her clothing. No, seriously, it's bad. Like she peed herself, but I've gotten used to it now. And it's because she works so hard and is so tiny and probably consumes a gazillion gallons of water. Anyhoo. .


One of the first places I start to sweat is the small of my back. I find this odd, so I wanted to know if there were others out there. Then, my hairline! Forehead and back of neck right at hairline - not dripping, but moist. Then, sometimes along the side of my nose, like under my eyes. And the fold of my arm (opposite elbow) especially when running with bent arms. I guess there is underarm sweatage, too, but it's not too extreme or a main concern. Oh and there's definitely the underboob puddle.


As for things that make me sweat. .whew, that's a long list!
*Bathing suit (or any clothes really) shopping, which I undertook today with my 19 month old in tow!
*Public speaking or presentations
*Confrontations (although, I'm much better at arguing now, it still makes me nervous and gets me flustered)
*Bathtime with the kids. It's hard work, ya'll! I know not to take my shower first, that's for sure because I'll just need another one!
*The health and safety of my family and friends.
*Good Laundry!
*Tight, enclosed spaces, especially with other people (packed concerts, tiny spiral never-ending staircases, coffins, you know)
*Embarassing myself with misspellings or grammatical errors. I'm a stickler, but I get mixed up easily, too.
*Disappointing people
*Money
*Finding a job
*ok, going down a spiral now. . .
*scary movies. I don't do scary movies.

I did my best to not make you barf 10:32 PM

Salt on the rim is how I like my fruity drinks, but discussing my salt on the rim, well, the thought of that MAKES ME SWEAT!

But Andi says I must disgust discuss, and as a rule, I do what Andi says. She's got a black belt, you know. (That and the fact that she totally took care of me when I got a wee bit too crazy with the beer, champagne and wine back at the cabin. A girl will owe another girl enough favors to fill the deep end of a pool, in such instances, and last I checked I owe Andi about 718 deep ends.)

I'm procrastinating. And avoiding. Can you tell? No, no, I have to talk the salty talk! I said I would. Black belt. Pools. Salt. No salt in pools, though, unless you have a salt water pool. Do those even exist? Or did I just make that up? Who would even have one of those? Maybe some nutcase in Kansas who is plenty far away from any gulf or ocean but went to one once as a child and wants to relive the experience every summer has one. Although, I don't recall seeing any when I was out there...

Alright, damnit, I'm getting to the armpit talk!

(This reminds me, I really need some input on a good brand of deodorant/antiperspirant. I just finished a stick of some kind or another that was okay, and then picked up a stick of Dove that I had in the closet. Now I'm kind of meh about the Dove and remember maybe why I stuck it in the closet to begin with. It has a nice scent, and as I remember is really nice for making your underarms look smooth and lovely, but it's not getting the job done. No, I need a job DOER. Got any doers for me?)

How may deep ends of pools do I owe Andi? Crap.

Once there was a girl who wasn't unlike most other girls. She put on anitperspirant every morning (but only the kind that smells like powder because she's perpetually 13 when it comes to that) and exercised when she could.

Exercising made this girl feel good, but kind of stink. Especially boxing. Boxing made this girl stink. She smelled so bad that one time when she went home from working out her loving husband, who himself smelled like horse poop, asked her to shower.

'Where are you powder deoderant?!' she cried. Except that she hadn't applied her Secret Powder Fresh deoderant to her whole body! Next time, she told herself, I'm going to rub that stuff all over my face, neck, chest and lower back! (Note to girl-self: Make sure deo is InvisiSolid.) She didn't need to Secretize her booty since she compulsively checked for booty sweat after workouts and hadn't ever found any. But that could be because the girl prefered to wear shorts that had little shorts inside of them where if there was any sweating going on it would have been hidden, maybe?

One time this girl got the big idea to participate in a triathlon that she was grossly unprepared for. When it came time for this girl to bike 10 miles of some of THE MOST UNBELIEVEABLE HILLS THAT SHOULDN'T EVEN EXIST IN KANSAS, this girl produced copious amounts of perspiration at about mile 3. By mile 9 this girl was sweating from every inch of her body. Even her eyeballs. Or were those tears from the horrendous amount of pain that her legs were in? The point is, this girl could have been battered in Secret Powder and fried in Secret Sauce and it wouldn't have mattered one little bit. And then she had to go run for a mile or twenty. By the time it was all said and done, this girl had sweated so much, and in such places she won't talk about, that everything else is mild by comparison.

Even booty sweat.

THE (merciful) END.

Salt on the Rim 8:05 PM

This week we're getting down and dirty and talking about (you ready for this?): sweat! Where we perspire and what makes us break a sweat. So, if you've had enough drinks to loosen you up and feel like sharing, join us in the comments with your personal spots and situations. Unless you prefer sugar on your fruity drinks.

Captain's Log Deleted Scenes 1:41 PM

These quotes either didn't make the first cut or hadn't been said yet:

"Let's get white. She'll kill us. We'll see her nipples." - Niki, discussing shirt for Ruby, followed shortly thereafter by Andi, "Yeah! We'll get her wet!"  As a 50ish man walked by and turned beet red. 

"I'm laughing on the pot." - Um, I'll let this be anonymous unless the barmaid wants to fess up

"Look at Tempe with a knife for my wine and food injuries." - Andi, we have no idea wtf she's talking about, and that kind of makes it my favorite quote of the weekend.

"What's with your back door?" asks Andi. "My back door is personal business," Ruby retorts.

"I like that one, it looks like softcore porn." - Niki

"I'm saving myself for Bojangles." - Tempe

Don't ya'll love it when I come home for lunch and hop on the blog? 

All That Stuff You Heard About the Spin Cycle Is True 9:21 PM

During our recent move half-way across the country, we ended up in need of a washing machine and dryer. Since we are adults, and pretty much decided that we have to ACT like adults, we opted for purchasing a real washing machine and dryer instead of some cheap-o used pair.

Enter the front loading beauties that look mostly like these (that were on super clearance blowout sale at Home Depot, that we had to purchase from two different stores).

I'm really loving the new set, all except for the fact that the floor in our laundry room is mushy and soft. And when that bad boy washing machine cranks up and goes to spinning like a maniac (like it's supposed to do, you see), it vibrates like... well, it vibrates A LOT. No amount of squareness, levelness, floor reinforcement or setting adjustment will make the washer stop shaking uncontrollably and 'walking' all over the place.

But you know what does work? If I sit on it. Yes, that's right, my cough*lightasafeather*cough rear is just enough pressure to calm the thing down. And since I need to wash clothes, after all, I find myself sitting on the washing machine through the spin cycle. Which lasts 11 minutes.

I know what you're thinking, and don't think I didn't think that that's what you would think. Because I thought it.

All this is to say that in the 11 minutes of spin that I sit through periodically, I have come up with some dandy ideas. One of which is this: I want a new name. I don't want to go by Megan in the blog world anymore. I want a new, cool, pseudo-name.

So what should it be?

And no nasty suggestions about adult toys and spin cycles and stripper names. (Although, I dare you to ask a Pen pal of mine about something she may or may not have discovered for sale on Amazon. Go ahead. I dare you.)

So? What shall I forever go by from now on? Leave your suggestions in the comments, and if I choose your name, I'll send you an undetermined-at-this-moment prize. I swear.

In the closet 6:35 AM

For this week's special, I reveal to you the dreaded state of my closet. I'm not sure how well it's captured - I alternately look at it and think it's not that bad (there's something deceiving about hanging clothes) and then shudder in horror and want to run and hide (under that big pile of sh*t would probably cover me nicely)

You'll notice there is a step stool in there somewhere, buried beneath the clothes I take off and discard.
It should be used to reach the top levels, so they don't end up looking like I jumped and poked a hanger up there to pull things down or just threw them back on top, which, in fact, I do.

and sadly, it spills out into all areas of the room. . Little Man helps make trails that look like they lead to and from the closet of doom. And I could have kept going to capture the unpacked bag spewing clothes next to the hamper or the socks and massive shoes dispersed on the floor in front of Hubby's neat and orderly closet.

But wait, there's more! Not to be outdone by fellow barmaid, Pen, when it's my WS topic. Even though it's cheating and still not comparable because I'm using multiple examples (but her room was so big!) I should hesitate to give you further evidence of my closet horrors; throughout my house and infiltrating more poor children's rooms. I thought they were mostly organized, but they seem to picture differently than what I had in my head. Why or why must I feel competitive about this and disclose so much more than required? My hubby will bemoan this post as well, I'm sure.

Little Man's closet
Blankets and boxes of clothes he's outgrown that we're saving for nephews as well as baby girl clothes.

Up top: Boxes of Big boy sizes kindly handed down from a neighbor and left over diapers from Sweet Pea, that incidentally, we just took down this weekend to use on Little Man, after taking these pictures.


Sweet Pea's closet really spills over into the room. Unpacked suitcases, boxes of clothes (Halloween costume) she's outgrowing to save for friends and niece; wedding veil and slip in her closet?! our suitcases are stored in there as well; her toy bike; mounds of shoes; old curtains; empty shoe boxes, because they are so cute and *might* be used for something one day.

I’ll be the better brand of PB to your J 9:00 AM

MEMO

TO: Jim Halpert

FROM: Penelope

RE: Replacement for Pam Beasley, Dunder-Mifflin Secretary and (more importantly) your GIRLFRIEND

Dear Jim,

As previously mentioned, I might have a *tiny* inter-Office crush—on you. So, I’m applying to be your new girlfriend. If hired for this position here is what I can offer:

• Witty banter, 9 to 5.
• Assistance in all pranks brainstorming for Dwight K. Schrute.
• Help with all future projects involving Jell-O.
• More WPM than the original Pam.
• A coy smile delivered daily from my desk to yours.

And rest assured, you will be the only member of my Finer Things Club.

Thank you for your consideration, Jim, and I look forward to meeting you in the Supply Closet in 5…

Sincerely Yours,

Penelope Barmaid

 

[Insert Penelope photo here.]

Liquid Courage: I DID IT!!! 7:23 PM

Just an update: Rising to Megan's double-dog dare, I emailed the link to my post to John Mayer. As if I actually believe he'll read it. But it's worth a shot, right?

Super Powers 8:57 AM

(As directed by This Week's Special, and in similar fashion to Megan: a love letter of persuasion to one of our Top 5.)

Dear Super Tom -

Let me help you practice ripping your clothes off. If you find the Ice Fortress a bit chilly, I've got powerful heat vision as well; just try me. Wrap your arms of steel around me; I'm confident we'd soar together. There would be no need to use your x-ray vision, I'd lay it all out for you. I wouldn't have to worry about biting those luscious full lips of yours too hard, because I know you heal fast. Speaking of fast, I'd love to help you debunk that "faster than a speeding bullet" myth as well - it just doesn't apply in some areas of your life, I'm quite certain. Let me be your Kryptonite - I'll make you weak and come crawling for more.

fly to me.
Love Always,
Andi

An Open Letter to John Mayer Because I Must Express How Ardently I Love and Admire Him 9:12 PM

Dear John,
It's no secret that I have a long-standing, passionate devotion to you. I've tried in every way I can to show you that I care about you - writing poems about your hair and offering fashion advice when I saw you falling short.

And then of course, I've publicly declared my love for you on more than one occasion. It's so much like a sickness that I've given it a name.

But I'm going to go out there on that limb yet again and profess my love. I could go on and on about how deliciously good looking you are with your guitar-playing forearm muscles, thoroughly tatted arms and voluptuous lips. And believe me, that has it's allure. Plus, there's your stellar musical skills which I've had the pleasure of viewing live and in person on more than one occasion.

But the thing is, I get you. I get your bizarre sense of humor. I get your moments of introspection. I get those aha times in life that you somehow manage to boil down and pour out in honeyed tones from a guitar and express with lyrics that make me close my eyes and sigh because they're just so right on. I get you, John. I really do. And I suspect you might get me, too.

Maybe that's what keeps the fires burning for you. It's not just that you're smokin' - even though you are. It's that, when I read between the lines, when I feel between the notes, I think that we could be good together. At the very least, I can guarantee you we'd have a good time over a cold beer.

So, John, if you come across this letter, think about it. I know you've got millions of teenage girls screaming that they want to have your baby, and beautiful celebs lining up to hang on your arm. But if you come back down from there and decide that instead of asking "Why Georgia" you want to ask "Why not?" give me a call. And just as closing remark, I've got fabulous lips, too.

xoxoxo,
Ash

Weekly Special Leftovers 10:07 PM

This is Chuck Wicks. Apparently, he sings country music, as I first viewed a photo of him while browsing through some of the bad fashion and hungry starlets that hit the red carpet at last night's Country Music Awards. I don't really like "today's country" - I like my Cash and Haggard and Hank (Sr., thank you very much) - but I might change my views on "today's country" if it looks like this.

Helllloooo, Chuck. I hope that last one is taken at the Smartini Bar. And I hope he's at my table cause that is one long, tall drink of water. Make it a double. Rawr. Once boy crazy, always boy crazy.

The Bald, the British, the Beautiful 7:30 AM

Weekly Special: Who are my top five 'freebie' hook ups?

You will never find me at a male strip club, fawning over some greased-up beefcake waving his Speedo-clad junk in my face. It's just not going to happen, I'm not that kind of girl. But you very well might catch me drooling over the following Cocktail Selection:


1. Jim from The Office. Who did you think I was going to pick, Creed? I just love Jim, want to marry him. Although as J.Lo recently pointed out, given certain trends in Jim and Pam's relationship, i.e. Jim knowing a week after they started dating that they'd eventually get married, Pam not agreeing to move in together until she has a ring on her finger, and the fun, light, teasing vibe they have between them? I kind of did marry Jim. Aw, was that too sappy? How about...

2. Jude Law, but ONLY in The Holiday. It's the only movie I can get past the nanny/womanizer thing. His character is quiet, charming, British, and oh yes, SMOKING HOT. Not only that, but he's super-cute with his little daughters. Mr. Napkin Face, anyone? Okay, I really do have to stop with this family-oriented crap, it's totally cutting into my full-fledged Dirty Smartini-ness. Moving on...

3. Noted Fashion Photographer, Nigel Barker! Absolutely must be said in a British accent. ASIDE from this completely sexy-sweet photo of Nigel Barker and his baby, pretty much all photos of the former model are completely hot. Except maybe when he has a full head of hair, which I totally don't get. Anyway, he's charming, a super-talented photographer, and he makes me laugh every ANTM panel with his unexpected snark. Also...

4. Go ahead, make fun of me, but: Chef Tom Colicchio. I admit, it was hard to find a decent photo of the Top Chef panel member. He's not particularly photogenic, strangely enough, but on TV, with those searing cool blue eyes? I didn't like him a bit the first season or two of Top Chef, mainly because he's such a hard-ass, but eventually he loosened up a bit, smiles a lot more now, making those blue eyes twinkle. And anyway, the chef hopefuls usually deserve what TC dishes out on TC. Let's just say I'd eat up Chef Colicchio's cooking any day. And finally...

5. Milo Ventimiglia. Or, as I think of him: Jess. He's Rory's Jess from Gilmore Girls, whether he's playing Rocky Balboa's son or Peter Petrelli on Heroes. I heart Jess and his brooding badass-ness, and those dark eyes, and that voice. He was totally wrong for Rory... well maybe just a little wrong for Rory. They could have worked it out. Why couldn't they have worked out? Anyway, Jess is sometimes the only thing keeping me hooked onto Heroes, as my mind tangents away from saving the world and dwells on other, much more interesting things, namely Jess's biceps.

Ladies, it was hard work serving up this Weekly Special on a Friday, after so many choice Cocktails were already taken! I do want to mention my own Sloppy Seconds, the ones that might have made my Final Five, had I taken an earlier shift: McDreamy (obviously), Christian Bale, Mr. Big, and Dr. Christian Troy. Ah, some other time, perhaps.

I Might Laminate This & Put It In My Wallet 7:14 AM

1) Christian Bale - I don't know how or when this crush on Christian emerged, but for some time now, he's sort of embodied the perfect-looking male to me. Slightly rugged. Darkly poetic. A little brooding. But a great smile. Really a brilliant heart-stopping sexy smile. He's insanely male - he exudes quiet fascinating confidence. He's mysterious. And beautiful. Sighs.


2) John Mayer - Let's face it: I am madly in love with John Mayer. Despite his womanizing ways (I can't even keep track anymore - Jessica? Minka? Jennifer?), I'd still make out with him in a New York minute. Or a minute in any other state, for that matter. The luscious hair, the great lips (c'mon - you gotta admit those are fantastic, pouty lips) plus he plays guitar and sings songs to my soul. I bet his body is a wonderland.


3) Hugh Jackman - Since X-Men first hit the big screens and I saw Jackman jacked up as the cage-fighting Wolverine replete with the fantastic pompadour and artistic sideburns, I was totally charmed by his gritty sarcastic portrayal. Like, his Wolverine was the kind of guy you sort of a little bit wanted to be mean to you? And then make him fall in love with you in the end. Not to mention Jackman can totally play the suave debonair historic role, too, with the most impeccable Aussie-turned-Brit accent. Dee-lish.

4) James McAvoy - He's a bit unconventional in the looks department, but he's Scottish, so there's the brogue going for him. Plus, if you've seen Becoming Jane, you know he's a good kisser. You would also know he wears Hessians, one of the sexiest male footwear designs ever conceived. He's so passionate in that movie, it can't all be acting. There's got to be some degree of the real thing in there. And that roguish smile. There's a quiet intensity there that you just want to see...unleashed. I'd love to be trapped in a stagecoach with him.


5) Orlando Bloom - Orly kind of satisfies my need for the slightly naughty boy. He's got that bad boy sensibility about him at times. Or maybe it's just that I know he's the kind of guy who would never go for me, so it's that hard-to-get quality. And, let's face it, his swashbuckling in Pirates is hot. Since this is hypothetical, and I can make any conditions I want, he's got to be this version of Orly - rocking the 5 o'clock shadow facial hair and the longer locks. (Although it's not like I'd turn him down if he were clean shaven and short haired.)

Bonus:
Top three fictional characters...aka, maybe some of these guys are a bit old for me now, but, if I could go back to this time and this particular character...fireworks.

1) Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy in Pride & Prejudice - Not that Fitzwilliam Darcy would ever do anything so undignified as make out...but if he changed his mind after that stripped-down swim in the lake, so be it.

2) Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark - I don't care if it's when he's Dr. Jones or Indy, I'd take a passionate lip-lock with the whip-wielding archaeologist any day.

3) Chris Noth as Mr. Big on Sex & the City - I know Nik and Jenn are going to get me for this one, neither of them being big Big fans. But, the second time I watched S&TC all the way through, I totally fell in love with Mr. Big. Despite his wicked ways. Despite his rather unforgivable, entirely thoughtless male ways, I love him. And I'd make out with him in Paris. Oui, oui, mon cheri.

Is it just me or did I get way to into this post? If you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a cold shower.