Dry Martini 11:30 PM

It will be a few weeks before *real* TV starts up again, and even then, only a few shows as the others take even longer to trickle back in. I know it’s the holidays, and there’s plenty to focus on—shopping, wrapping, baking, traveling, moving across the country again for the second year running. (Pop quiz: which barmaid is this nuts? And also so smartini, considering her reasons for going.) And there are a few things to watch on TV, from ABC Family’s 25 Days of Christmas to a new and fabulous season of “Better off Ted.”

But, especially after the start of the new year, when all the Christmas specials have run their course, this barmaid wants to know: What will you watch? Perhaps full television shows on DVD from Santa? Back episodes of missed TV on hulu and the DVR? Or drying paint on the wall. I’m just not sure what to do with myself until Jim and Pam return, not to mention the hot doctors of Seattle Grace and the brilliance that will hopefully be “Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains.”

Please advise, as will soon be dying in the pop culture desert, from thirst.

Philoso-tini 11:55 PM

I’m not sure whether any of the other girls watch “Survivor,” but I’m a big fan, with big thoughts on my mind after the finale. Although Dalton Ross of EW.com pretty much nailed all my feelings on why last night’s jury vote was the lamest in “Survivor” history, I have a few more generalized ideas about final Tribal Councils, culled over 19 seasons. The argument is perhaps a little dry, but it ultimately boils down to plain and simple logic, regarding who should win. With, in this season’s case, very frustrating results.

• The game is called “Survivor,” with the goal to “Outwit. Outplay. Outlast.”
• The game is not called “Nice on an Island,” with the goal win a million dollars by being everyone’s best friend.
• You can and most likely will make a few friends during the game, and these friendships may carry over into the real world, after the game. I’m sure that’s nice.
• You do not, of course, have to be gratuitously mean, dishonorable, etc., within the context of the game. Those actions serve no one.
• “Survivor” is not the real world (nor an office, Jaison). It is, in fact, a game.
• The goal of the game is to vote everyone else out so you can be the last man standing.
• Means do not matter. Or rather, a vote-out is a vote-out: there is no honor or dishonor to it. It is what it is, and it must be done.
• Transparency within the course of elimination strategy, i.e. letting the person know you are about vote them out, is not wise or conducive to your own goal of staying in the game: How do you know that person won’t stage a coup against you?
• Therefore, secrets and lies, both defensive and offensive, are an integral part of the game. Everyone does it. It is part of the “outwit.” A necessary “evil.”
• Considering the rules and goals of the game, however, outwitting (lying cleverly) can’t logically be classified as “evil.”
• If and when you do vote another person out, he will likely be bitter because he did not vote you out, first, and therefore will not win the game himself.
• Because of these sour grapes, he may consider the instigator(s) of his own downfall something like “dishonorable” or “lacking in integrity.”
• He may also label tribe mates who played instrumental roles in his vote-off as “not as dishonorable” if those tribe mates have more desirable/less offensive personality traits. Or were less bold about taking credit for the vote.
• However, if the “less dishonorable” tribe mates allowed, encouraged, and/or praised the primary vote-off instigator in his strategy, they are in fact no less culpable. They, too, technically are “dishonorable,” too. Perhaps dishonorable and weak, allowing another to field all the bullets of blame. Weakness, in this way, should not technically be valued by jury members, either, considering the goal of “outplay.”
• If all final players up for a million dollars are, by nature of the game, “dishonorable” because they directly or indirectly outwitted the players voted out before them, the term “dishonorable” and similar should be canceled out entirely on this level playing field. And the point of the game is not to vote for the least dishonorable person—or maybe it is.
• The money and final vote should go to the person who did outwit, outplay, and outlast most brilliantly. Moral standards of honor and integrity cannot and should not apply, as their place is moot within the context of this game, this world, this set of standards and rules.
• Therefore, regardless of whether you loved or hated Russell (and I, for one, loved him by the end), he should have hands-down been awarded the money and title of Sole Survivor. Not Ratalie. Because as Sue Hawk once famously said, the laws of nature require that the snake eat the rat, and the jury should allow it.

The End. Interestingly, this question of so-called moral integrity and its place in the game will run front and center in the next edition of “Survivor,” which will pit “heroes” vs. villains. And I. Can’t. Wait!

Pen + TV: MFEO 9:30 PM

First thing’s first. In case you missed it, here is the link to EW Magazine’s magical Fall Premiere Cheat Sheet. Use it, love it, refer to it often.

As usual, I found this year’s Fall TV issue a lot overwhelming. I love to try out new shows, but at this juncture in my Managerial career, I’m extremely picky. I have to LOVE the show through and through to stay on board. I do, however, have a lot of love in my heart to go around.

Pen’s Old Flames

1. The Office: Enough said.
2. Survivor: Samoa. I’ll be there until the very last Tribal Council.
3. Grey’s: I’ve read every single spoiler I could get my hands on and feel ready to face the future.
4. ProRun: I’m loving it. Glad Lifetime barely changed a thing. Smart.
5. Top Chef: Makes me so happy!
6. ANTM: Ditto! Inexplicably happy.
7. How I Met Your Mother: If you’re not watching this show by now, please rent from the beginning immediately. I can’t say this enough.
8. 30 Rock: Tina Fey is just brills.
9. Parks & Recreation: As is Amy Poehler.
10. Amazing Race: Phil’s arched eyebrow is also excellent.

New Flirtations

1. Community: It certainly seems like they can’t go wrong with this amazing cast.
2. SNL Weekend Update Thursday: It’s the best part of SNL, so why not twice a week?
3. Vampire Diaries: First ep still on my DVR, better get cracking soon!
4. Glee: After watching the first ep, I finally understand. Ryan Murphy show. Nip/Tuck, Popular sensibility + high school glee club + Jane Lynch? I’m in.
5. The Beautiful Life? I feel like I will give it a go, since it’s produced by Ashton and Tyra both. Even though I keep mixing it up with Beautiful People, which was on 5 years ago, and Gossip Girl, which I broke up with last year.
6. V. Does anyone else remember this crazy/creepy series from the 80s? It’s coming back!

I Would Never Date

1. Melrose Place. Ashlee Simpson and I broke up years ago.
2. Sons of Anarchy? I don’t get it.
3. Mercy. I mean… can we come up with a new drama that isn’t based in a hospital or a court room, please?

We Might Have to Break Up

1. Scrubs. Oh, I love you Scrubs, but you already ended last year. The new, reinvented classroom version with Turk and Dr. Cox? Eh.

I Still Pine For

1. Life. Can’t believe it ended when it did. So wrong.
2. Friday Night Lights, which I won’t see until it is on regular cable. Sigh.
3. Reaper. Such brilliance! Cancelled! Oi.

Should I Call? Or Are We So Over.

1. The Hills. Frankly, I cut both The Hills and The City last year, so I don’t know why I’d go back. Except that I miss it sometimes. But on the other hand, it’s Kristen’s show now, and she plans to stir up some shit just to stir it up. And there is a line of “contrived” that I’m unwilling to cross…

In spite of all the unanswered questions, still-broken hearts and other romantic entanglements, I thoroughly love Fall TV and couldn’t be happier about its return. Cheers! And bonus points if you can tell me what movie inspired the title of this post, and/or what it stands for.

Step 1 2:15 AM

I admit, I’m a little addicted to TV. I love good shows; the ones that make me emote!

Returning shows I watch:

House – such an awesome show. After the crazy finale, it’s really going to be different this season!

America’s Next Top Model – it just makes me happy.

Project Runway – I resisted for a long time. I am in no way fashionable, but I was sucked right into this show and love it! I clearly have a thing for these reality talent competition shows!!

Smallville – I have watched since the very beginning (hard to believe it’s been 8 seasons!) and there is just something about the show that I still really like and look forward to seeing. Oh yeah, it’s probably Tom Welling. No, but really, I just enjoy the show.

Fringe – It’s definitely out there, and close to my scary threshold, but I really like it. Gotta love Joshua Jackson!

The Office – I like it, but not as much as some people I know. ;)

Gossip Girl – still love getting my Veronica Mars fix and who doesn’t like to watch beautiful people act spoiled and rich, right?

Grey’s Anatomy – really gets my blood going sometimes or makes me cry, but keeps me coming back. Again, I’m not as into it as some people I know, but it’s good.

90210 – not really attached to it, but still watch it.

Desperate Housewives – again, it’s just been one I’ve kept up with, but I don’t really anticipate it much.

Brothers & Sisters – I like this show because it has characters that remind me of my own family and a good cast and it’s just good.

So You Think You Can Dance – excited to see more talent, but worry what will I watch next summer?

Castle – I caught a few episodes near the end of last season and I was hooked. I wish I could see the pilot to get the full scoop, but it was definitely entertaining and ranks high on my list of must see tv. In fact, I couldn’t decide on just one clip to include!

 

Design Star – I missed a lot of episodes this season, which I’m bummed about, but interested to see what comes from the winner (don’t want to give anything away, just in case).

Color Splash – still love David Bromstead the original Design Star.

The Amazing Race

Top Design – not sure if it will even come on again, but I enjoyed it when it did – again with the talent competitions.

New Stuff I’m giving a go:

Glee – Watched 2 episodes so far. I’m not sure I get all of the hype yet. It felt a little slow for me and I love good voices and singing, so the voiceover and lip synching stuff really annoys me. The soundtrack is good and there are moments. . .

Vampire Diaries – I was really worried after seeing some previews that this would be beyond my threshold for scary, but I was still able to get to sleep afterwards! And that’s saying something, I don’t fall asleep easily normally. I just finished reading the Twilight series and have really been wanting to see the movies, so it definitely sated some of that desire, but it’s also definitely different and looks interesting. The Alyssa Milano look alike is intriguing and I’m already having a hard time believing they are supposed to be in high school and we’re just in the first season! And um, the bad brother is HOT. Or at least the first shot of him was extremely hot and after that he looked a little old and very creepy (in a devilish way, not sleazy), but he’s got a definite European band flair working for him.

I’ve set to record Community, so we shall see.

I’m kind of intrigued by Ashton Kutcher’s The Beautiful Life, I may record and give it a shot.

Gone stuff I’m still lamenting:

I am really sad I don’t have ER to watch anymore – I feel empty inside - and still can’t believe Life was cancelled. And not picked up. That is just wrong. It’s even worse than cancelling My So Called Life when it was such a great show, because this one really was great.

So, does anyone know, are Dirt and Privileged gone?

On the Tube 11:09 PM

Nothing helps drown your sorrows over the end of summer more than a stiff drink, except maybe the return of Fall TV. So, let's dish: what's on the dish that you are watching. Tell us what you can't wait to get back into, can't wait to try out (despite the hype or because of it?), even a few guilty pleasures on the rim. Are you having conflicts with your DVR roll already or having trouble filling in the gaps? Bonus points: what are you drinking while you watch each type of show?

In lieu of 11:40 PM

Good TV and TiVo (still adjusting to the inferior DiVo) I really haven't been watching much. Once I caught up on some of the shows we lost when we lost our TiVo - thank you hulu.com! - I kind of tuned out. Perhaps I was still mourning the loss, because I was a BIG TiVo fan. Sadly, my time seems to be spent in front of the computer, but I'm not even sure what I do for so many hours at night. Damn FB, definitely, but beyond that?! It's shocking really.
I see from the lists the other barmaids have submitted, that I do, actually have some good options, though, and that's exciting. Really, the only summer show I watch is So You Think You Can Dance and I do really enjoy it (dang it! I hadn't seen the elimination from last week, but of course clicking over to get the link showed me right away who went home. sniff.) I have watched since the first season and even now watch with my 3 1/2 year old daughter (who might be picking up too many of some of the moves!) It's got a mix of all kinds of dance - ballet, hip hop, contemporary, jazz, ballroom - and I love seeing the choreography and learning about the contestants. The judges can be crazy and annoying, but that's typical for these shows, right? The host is beautiful and English, so fun to listen to and not bad to look at. Even my daughter made some comments one time, "wow, she looks pretty tonight!" I thought it was cute. I don't watch DWTS, so I can't give a comparison, but I enjoy it. Otherwise, we've thrown in a couple Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? episodes that we don't catch during the year because they run on jam-packed Thursday night and that's been about it. When is Project Runway coming back? To Lifetime?!

Filling the Void 11:00 AM

Whenever the bar is slow on these warm, sleepy summer days, I like to watch…

New:

• Top Chef Masters: In spite of the Padma knockoff and little to no Tom Colicchio, it’s worth tuning in every week to see the best of the best face off in old Quickfire challenges and Elimination Challenges with a new spin. Like last week, when they had to cook for Neil Patrick Harris and his friends (thus simultaneously filling the “How I Met Your Mother” void). And Anito Lo came up with some scallop-that’s-not-a-scallop dish with Rice Krispie sand crackling beneath the bowl? Now that’s my kind of scallop. Since I’m allergic.
• The Goode Family: Whether you’re a hippie or not, you will appreciate this new cartoon from Mike Judge. Hi-larious! So many little truths about our increasingly green and politically correct society tucked into this show.

Old:

• House Hunters, House Hunters, and more House Hunters. I can’t get enough! Although, J.Lo and I are getting picky, I admit. If the house choices are crap, we feel completely unsatisfied. It’s all about vicarious living, and we can’t stand it if the place looks like hell, or worse, when they don’t do anything to fix the place up a few months later. Like they think it’s okay to live with pukey shag carpet and aquamarine walls, to be fixed “someday,” i.e. never. Gag!
• Iron Chef America. I used to watch plain old Iron Chef, and this show is a pretty good substitute. I’m not a big fan of Bobby Flay, but luckily, he doesn’t talk much. It’s all business as the chefs face off in a one-hour challenge, preparing insanely creative dishes centered around one featured ingredient.

In-Between:

• I’ve been making an effort to watch some chick flicks here and there, as their shallow, formulaic plots are seriously good for the soul. Best served with a milkshake from Cookout.
• I want to rent the latest season of “Weeds.” That’s some good summer fun.
• And I’m catching up on my Harry Potter before the 6th movie comes out! I started with the 6th book, absolutely had to re-read the 7th after that, and then in my shell-shocked state, began the 5th. Again. It’s actually an interesting order… Plan to see the movie on Sunday, hooray!

Summer Slow-Down 10:30 AM

Summer TV is a wasteland, let’s be honest. But here at the bar, we manage to find ways to pass the time, whiling away the hours and days until the fall premiers of our favorite nighttime shows. This week, we’ll be discussing what we do watch during the summer, whether it be the delightful crap aired on network, entire series rented through Netflix, or the hidden gems of HG and Food TV. Think of it as a survival guide: How to Keep Breathing Until Grey’s Anatomy Returns to Your Life. I know I could use as many tips as possible!

America's Next Top. . Barmaid? 5:16 PM

You can definitely tell which barmaids have been watching Tyra!

runway walk! work it!
FIERCE!

the girl knows how to turn an ugly decoration into a fabulous accessory!

Ruby Redeems Herself 11:00 PM

Last spring, Ruby confessed to us her shocking, closeted affection for Dwayne Johnson, aka “The Rock,” on her list of 5 Freebie Hook-Ups. The rest of the bar raised their eyebrows but remained polite while we were all secretly thinking, Really?! The fake-wrestler guy? Well, all-righty then! Who knew.

But, I’m here to say that this evening, I watched the most recent episode of Saturday Night Live, and Ruby is, actually, quite Smartini. The Rock was hot! And, it was the funniest overall episode of SNL since Justin Timberlake hosted last year—no easy feat. I’m totally impressed. Please enjoy the following HOTNESS skits below. You won't be sorry.

1. May I say that I did call the play on “The Rock” and “Barack” prior to the episode. Regardless of your political persuasion, this one is very funny:

2. Random, but still relatable (so key to the skit turning out well), and smartly put together. Also, I cannot get over Dwayne Johnson’s “dancing,” it’s hilarious.

So, what do you think, ladies? The Rock: Hot?? Or are Ruby and I going to have to fight it out amongst ourselves. Bar brawl!

Gilmorisms 9:56 PM

The heart and soul of Gilmore Girls is the dialogue. So, no single moment here, just a short montage of quippy, amazingly executed verbal awesomeness. I so miss the days of Rory and Lorelai!

It is such a difficult choice. I knew there had to be something big that stuck out in my mind as a memorable scene from TV, but I like dramas and it's kind of hard to pick just one moment without all of the back, well, drama that leads up to and culminates in that moment. I'm not sure it would be the same. Or, how could I pick just one snarky moment from House? So, I went a different route. This scene is definitely memorable! But, for all of the melodramatic wrong reasons. I wasn't surprised it was super easy to find, too.



And just to lament the loss of such a great show, this first kiss scene between Veronica and Logan was one of the first episodes I watched of Veronica Mars and it got me hooked. I'm always a sucker for the unsuspecting love story. I love all of the tension.



But, it had such great writing, witty banter, I had to include a scene with some dialogue, too, which was harder to find than I thought it should be.*


*I don't understand all of the video montages people make putting clips to music. What am I missing?

As seen on TV 11:58 PM

This week the barmaids will each be regaling you with greatest moments from our favorite TV shows. Or at least, some memorable scenes. Pull up a chair, we may be reaching back into our teenage years, or confessing shows we currently watch that might come as a surprise. Please share your favorites as well as we relive some glory days - that aren't even really our own, but somehow seem to impact our lives and affect us in lasting ways. Or maybe I'm the only one that watches too much TV (thanks TiVo!!!)

PSA: TV/Movie Drinking Games 1:45 PM

For the Weekly Special, I was going to offer a drinking game for some popular TV show that I love to watch and/or mock, such as America’s Next Top Model or Grey’s Anatomy. However, turns out that there already exists an entire Drinking Games database for TV shows and movies. They have a little work to do, clearly, since I don’t see such easy targets as Survivor or Project Runway on there, but it’s a good start. I sort of love that Blue’s Clues is on there especially. Now there’s a good way to inject some life into that damn snooze-fest!

With that to offer for now, I’ll have to think a little longer on my own drinking game contribution.

WTFriday, Generally Speaking 7:30 PM

Last night on The Office, the whole staff was in a diet competition with the other branches, and some characters took it more seriously than others. Kelly did the good ol’ Master Cleanse, aka The Original WTF, and I absolutely adore how they handled her piece of the storyline. Because, EXACTLY.

Please watch the clip, it’s hi-larious.

Three little letters, girls: E-A-T! 12:55 AM

Couldn't agree more - ok, well, so far, I haven't seen them getting more skinny, they started out pretty bony to begin with. In fact, I believe Niki pointed this out in the very first recap. Perhaps they should investigate the new craze: the Michael Phelps diet. ;)

Mood enhancers 1:45 PM

It's Monday. Is it wrong that I'm listening to a TV Tunes station on AOL radio? And that hearing "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego" makes me giddy? Just like drinking, music can really get you grooving, nostalgic and happy. . .

Also on the play list:
Simpsons
Kermit "It's Not Easy Being Green"
Grover
King of the Hill
90210
Welcome Back, Kotter
Friends
Dawson's Creek
Party of 5
Fresh Prince of Bel Air
Get Smart
Partridge Family
Brady Bunch
Pink Panther
The Cosby Show
Spongebob
Miami Vice
Hercules
Who Wants to be a Millionaire
ABC's Wide World of Sports intro?!
Batman cartoon
Lois & Clark
Ernie's "Rubber Duckie"
Ally McBeal
"Rawhide"
Family Feud
ER
X-Files
Full House
That 70's Show
Night Court
Monty Python "Lumberjack song"
George of the Jungle
Blossom

I'm going to publish now so that I stop adding to this list, because I think you get the point - it's an eclectic mix.

WTFriday: The Rock & Rullet. Really. 1:44 PM

So the other night I've got Deal or No Deal on in the background, and THIS lady comes on:




I mean, she's fine, I'm sure, as a person and as a contestant, with all the requisite over-the-top enthusiasm required of a Deal or No Deal contestant. But that hair? WTF. You're going to go on national TV like this, really? Really. Looking like you got into a fight with Edward Scissorhands on the way to the taping. Really.


But it gets better. We come to find out that the woman isn't just *fashion challenged* in the hair department, as is pretty much anyone who lives in the 21st century and still has a mullet. Nor is she blind, or on bad terms with her styling products and tools. No, no. No. She created this eyesore on purpose. A pre-meditated crime of hair fasion. She calls it, The Rock & Rullet. That would be the *clever* term for a Rock & Roll Mullet.


I don't get it, either. The rest of her family, by the way, looked completely normal.


To add insult to visual injury, Howie later came out wearing this wig:





I have no words.


Happy WTFriday, y'all. Just remember, friends don't let friends wear mullets.

PSA: Celebrity Family Feud 3:00 PM

Survey says? This bartender will be watching CELEBRITY FAMILY FEUD tonight on NBC.

We've got:
-a classic game show that I loved as a kid
-the charming Al Roker as our host
-an amusing lineup of celebrity casts and families
-not a whole lot else to watch!

Given this set of ingredients, we're sure to be served a fun, refreshing cocktail of a show that will totally hit the spot on this summer night. Right?

Okay, I admit it's totally nerdy, but I. can't. wait.

Cheers!

Recommended by EX TV MDs 3:00 PM

It's been a long time since I've laughed out loud at an ad. Leave it to Neil Patrick Harris to deliver this bit of awesomeness:























Text at the top: "Body odor protection recommended by former TV doctors, like me." -Neil Patrick Harris, EX TV MD.

At the bottom: "You don't need a real doctor to get protection against the torment of chronic body odor and wetness. You need Old Spice Pro Strength Antiperspirant. It's prescription-strength wetness protection without the prescription. Take it from me, I used to be a fake doctor."

As a discerning consumer, I totally appreciate this kind of advertising genius.