An Inconvenient truth OR How I took out Mr. Better Than You and now find myself in need of help

So I've got this body, see. And I don't know if I really want to go into details about exactly whose body it is, but let's just say that it is someone you might recognize from television who gets all judgey with people and looks down his nose at them. And he did it one too many times for my liking, and I'm sorry, I just had to mow him down. I HAD TO.

So I've got this body, and it's a real pain in my rear. Of course he would be a pain in the ass, even when dead! OF COURSE HE WOULD. In such a case as this, I'm going to need a wee bit of assistance to handle this very inconvenient matter, and I can think of no other people I would rather call than:

• My husband. The man swore for better or for worse and I'm pretty sure this constitutes worse. But he's brilliant with coming up with logistics and plans and Save-Your-Ass maneuvers, so I'm absolutely calling my husband. At least this way, if I get caught, he won't be blindsided by the fact that I offed a morning TV show host. Matter of fact, he probably won't be surprised at all, as much as he hears me muttering about him under my breath.

• Moms. Yep, my moms. She's got the skills that this girl would need and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't flinch at helping out her baby girl. She probably can't stand the guy either, if I know her.

• My fantastic friends A and S Dubs. These are the most rational and level headed people around and would easily be able to think clearly when times got tense. The last thing I need with a murder conviction knocking on my door is to be freaking the hell out! No, the Dub duo would be shocked, and may even preach a little of the gospel, all while helping me dig the hole.

• MS. NIK! I told you I would! Niki is the woman who has all the pertinent knowledge for avoiding a jail sentence right at the very forefront of her sizable brain. I will need her, because 'I'm not trying to go to jail right now'! Knowing how often Niki and I disagree when it comes to our taste in food, boys, organic toothpaste, etc., she probably likes the deceased... but I don't think that will stop her from looking out for her girl. I hope?

Not that I want to get all into the details of a supposed offage (Do you see me trying to distance myself from words like I DID IT and HE DESERVED IT? Niki told me to. Such a smart girl.) but I did recently see a show on the Discovery Channel about these little catfish in the Amazon that freaking eat people that would be a rather handy way of disposing of a body. IF someone were to have one lying around. It would just be handy, is all I'm saying.

(Oh, and I would call BJ, because she said we could. And then she would make us refreshing drinks, if I know her.)