Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Dear Matt, Meredith, Ann, and Al,

I miss you, I do. I used to tune in to the Today Show pretty much every morning, catching at least a piece of it in some capacity. If I couldn’t watch you guys on TV, then I’d turn on the radio. Listen in for the news segment, celebrity gossip, helpful tips on cooking, shopping, children, housekeeping, and finances. It was kind of like reading a favorite magazine, with the added bonus of your voices, your camaraderie, your endearing personalities.

And we’ve been through some times together. I’ll never in my whole life forget watching your normally inscrutable faces respond in real time to the events of September 11. Other (lighter-note) moments include Matt’s awesomely notorious interview with Tom Cruise. Or Martha Stewart’s measured, biting pre-jail time response to questioning during her then-weekly cooking segment. Would she limit her knife-hacking to the vegetable, or turn it on the reporter? The tension was sort of beautiful. “Where in the World With Matt Lauer”—what exciting destination would we pay a vicarious visit to next? And every year: Halloween! Loved the buildup and the costume reveal. 

I even loved Al’s morning weather report and looked forward to that cheese-ball refrain as they cut to our local station, “Here’s what’s happening in your neck of the woods.”

Our relationship was never perfect. Like any good news-sharing source, you incited controversy; I couldn’t always agree with the ideas and opinions the show dispensed. And actually, it would be impossible to always agree. Because, well, you’re full of contradictions. Which leads me to why the Today Show has really been chapping my ass. Why I simply cannot watch you anymore.

1. The generally histrionic nature of everything you say. I know, I know, it’s a convention of news-casting: the somber tone, the air of importance, the sense of emergency infused within every story. I know the blame for our modern-day culture of fear does not rest entirely on your shoulders. But I can’t help wishing you’d be more cutting-edge and defy the standard. Maybe employ contributors who don’t talk to me like I’m either retarded or 12? People who don’t tell me what I need to do, or else suffer the inevitable consequences of an unhappy, misguided life? Because while yes, “financial expert” Jean Chatzky knows what she’s talking about in a lot of ways and has some interesting ideas, her condescending delivery is more than a small turn-off. The searing timbre of her voice alone causes my fingers to twitch for the remote, but even more, that self-assured smirk that says, “I’ve got it all figured out, and you never will,” slays me in a thousand tiny ways.

2. And somehow, every.single.contributor. on your show happens to subscribe to the same brand of all-knowing superiority, each one all but spelling out “I am right, do what I say.” The Today Show, in hiring these contributors and advocating this pedantic delivery style, is essentially presenting each person as “correct.” But yet, the ideas presented from day to day, week to week, month to month, are wide-ranging and often downright contradictory. Infuriatingly so.

3. The effect of these histrionics and contradicting authoritativeness is a nervous viewership, lacking in direction or self-confidence, and skilled in being afraid and buying products to help them not be afraid. On a personal level, and on behalf of society, thanks for that. Granted, as a Smartini girl generally confident with my own life choices, I can choose to block out what I don’t agree with and heed the advice of what I do. But I am also looking to the Today Show for to provide quality entertainment and information. Not a Multiple Personality Disorder. I’d rather just change the channel at this point, and even more so because…

4. You let Katie go. [Meredith—no offense meant to you, because really you’re lovely, and the best of all possible replacements for KC.] But even CBS nightly news ratings, *surprise, surprise,* show that Katie’s true home was the Today Show. While I don’t agree with the astronomical salaries dispensed to the all the big names on the show, it’s clear you’ve got the money in your budget and you should have sweetened the deal before letting your sweet gal wander over to pseudo-greener pastures.

And then, the absolute final straw:

5. You hired Kathie Lee Gifford. I mean, really?! Really. You had to drag KLG back out of Connecticut home and into the public eye, once again inflicting her ditziness upon us daily? Between her orange skin and matching orange hair, and her Lucille Ball-knockoff mannerisms, my TV or my brain is going to implode, and frankly, I’m not willing to part with either.

I loved you once, Today Show, but these days, I simply cannot abide. Until you get your act together, I’ll be trolling around for another information source delivered by a set of charming personalities. Luckily, on that front, I happen to have a Smartini idea.

xoxo,

penelope

P.S. I did enjoy the recent Eric Ripert cooking segment about toaster-oven fare and even made the chicken tenders. They were delicious. But unfortunately, at this point, you can’t even be saved in my eyes by chicken on a stick. And that’s how you know it’s dire straits.