Swimsuit Portion? Please.

Niki has decreed that we will talk beauty secret shop this week, although there will not be a swimsuit portion. Even if you sweet talked your super best, I WILL NOT be roped into a bathing suit. Talent, maybe, because who in the hell knows what I'd come up with, but NO SWIMSUIT. And I mean it. Mostly.

Ok, fine. I'll wear a swimsuit while I type.

As I posture and strut around in my plunging v-neck and hi-cut thong, I will scare the neighbors bestow upon you my secrets for personal beauty:

* Accentuate the positive. In my case, that would be a low cut, boob hugging top. That tactic also goes by the name Distract People With Your Gigantic Expanse of Chest So They Don't Notice Anything Else That May Be A Gigantic Expanse.

* Shirt colors that make your eyes stand out. For me, that's green. And I have a boatload of green shirts, BTW. Because I'm vain like that. So sue me.

* Cute shoes and cute purses CAN NOT be underestimated. Yeah. What she said.

* Eyeliner and mascara. Natural is a great look, that's for sure, but I have yet to see a face that looks worse for wearing eyeliner and mascara. Trust me on this.

And now for a little inner/emotional beauty:

* A great workout does wonders. Not only for the shape of your body, but for your emotional beauty too. I feel like I have lost about 10 pounds and have muscles bulging from all parts of my body after a killer workout. Even if it was the first one in months. It makes me FEEL GOOD!

* Do something that you know you should. Like pick up that piece of trash that you are walking mere inches away from and put it in the trash can. Or return that errant shopping cart to the appropriate place, even though some other nitwit left it out in the parking lot. Just DO IT, people! You will feel like Mother Teresa. Or something.

* Wear heels. I don't know if this counts in beauty beauty or emotional beauty, but whatevs. Heels rock.

Now I must go and write letters of apology fend off my husband as a result of this bathing suit madness.

I hope y'all are happy.

(Y'all know I'm a big ol' liar. Like I would wear a v-neck, hi-cut thong bathing suit and scare the neighbors. I don't even have neighbors. I've told you, it's just us and the cows!)