shot of sass, served on (n)ice

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

I REALLY Hope They Aren't Spying on Me

My neighborhood is basically that street right on the outskirts of Everywhere, USA downtown area. Old houses, sidewalks, white picket fences, giant trees, mail slots on the house instead of mailboxes at the end of the driveway, even a cobblestone street just around the block. For this reason, most of the people that live here are older people with money - they don't want too much yard to look after and it's really a very nice little area. Total postcard kind of place. The only reason I live here is because I rent, and the owner was desperate for any kind of income when he failed to sell the house last summer.

Most of my neighbors probably know a lot more about me than I do about them; I'm gone a lot and they are predominantly retired folks. I know many of their names - Gaston and Bev, David and Sue, Herb and Annemarie. The reason I know this much is because both of my next door neighbors, on either side, introduced themselves like the very day that I moved in. Sue even brought me cookies! (How delightfully southern!) I knew this was more to cure their own curiosity than to welcome me to the neighborhood, but it was a lovely gesture nonetheless.

I could go on and on about these people here, because they've invited me in their homes for wine and hor d'oeuvres, but trust me, the next block down is way more interesting. You see, I walk my dog twice a day, every day, and even though it's impossible to know everything about every house, there are a few houses in particular that I keep an eye on.

#1 - The Gay House - I am 90% certain that we have a middle-aged gay male couple on our quaint, smalltown street. This makes me happy to end. Only I don't have rocksolid proof. I do know: A) their lawn cost a fortune; it's much more extravagant and luxurious than the rest of the lawns. B) They own 3 trucks. C) I've only ever seen the same two men coming, going, or working on the lawn. D) They have a ridiculous frog flag that I think is totally to throw people off the scent. One day I'm going to work up the balls to check their mail when they aren't home just to see who lives there.

#2 - The Bitch House - Apparently the woman that lives there thinks I'm a super bitch because one day I didn't wave, and when she said hello I had to remove my headphones and say, "Excuse me?" because I couldn't hear what the hell she was saying (which probably means I didn't see her wave either). I know this of course because she knows my co-worker's sister and I live in that kind of small town. Ever since then I try to be extra friendly when we walk by there, which I think has backfired because now the woman thinks I'm flirting with her husband (she is around my age; he is about a generation older...yeah, she has stepsons almost as old as she is). Anyway, at Christmas they put up a huge Canada Dry plastic snowglobe on their chimney which I thought was pretty tacky because A) product placement at Christmas WTF? and B) Schweppes is clearly the better ginger ale.

#3 - The Hummer House - Right next door to the Bitch House. They operate a daycare out of what used to be a garage, so I can't walk by in the mornings or else Masala will try to wag his tail on a child and parents get angry. A cop lives there and they have a son in the army - I know because their giganto black Hummer sits on the street decorated with US Army stickers and once they had a "Welcome Home" sign on their roof. They spent A LOT of money on their lawn, too, and I am somewhat ashamed to say that it made me giggle when their grass didn't root and died. I'm sorry, but they cut their grass like every other day and spent way too much time concerned about it, and I just can't tolerate that kind of anal retentiveness when I can barely wash my dishes.

#4 - The Republican House - I really wish I would've taken a picture of this house in the thick of the election. Ridiculous. For starters their porch is already cluttered with more tables and nicknacks than should ever be allowed; they have a chalkboard with seasonal messages; and a sign that says "Hippies Use Side Door." During the election they had every square foot of their garden filled with Republican signs, at least 4 McCain/Palin signs among them. Their two cars have license plates "GOP Lady" and something else Republican related. Suffice it to say that I hated these people. : ) Then, I'll be damned if they didn't redeem themselves for Halloween. Totally had the best decorations, including a GIGANTIC blow-up headless horseman carriage in the street where the GOP Lady BMW usually sits. As for candy, I can't say, but their decorations where the bomb.

3 tips left at the bar:

sheila said...

So funny -- we have neighbors that we don't know but certainly have named! One set of our alley neighbors behind us, we call the husband Mr. Grump Grump - for obvious reasons. He has a permanent look on his face like he smelled a fart.

And in my old neighborhood, we called our next door neighbor's garage the Bat Cave. Seriously, she would push the button to open it from the end of the block, drive in & before the car was off or in park the door was on its way down.

As Jim Morrison once sung, People are strange...

sheila said...

BTW - I would love to see the inflatable Headless Horseman. Sounds so cool!

penelope said...

The Bitch House just makes me laugh! I totally would have dressed up and gotten me some candy from the Repubs. Bet they put together treat bags with like, 5 mini candy bars.