Happy Trail

If elected, I promise to institute mandatory Happy Hour. And a work-release program at 4:00 to allow for proper travel time to the bars. I'll create lots of jobs with my DD Transportation Act, which keeps those of us imbibing off the streets.

My running mate is Jim Beam. It was a tough decision; I almost went with Jack Daniels, because I'm a big fan of his partner Coke and their kids Diet and Cherry. Jose Cuervo is a friend of mine, but tequila makes my clothes fall off, so I figured I better steer clear. Captain Morgan was a contender as well, but we had differing views and I wasn't sure he'd carry me through the cold winter months beyond the campaign trail.


I feel confident we have the advantage over our opponents. I don't think America is ready for or could stomach Goldschlager for long and Tom Collins seems a bit fruity and weak.

My campaign was weathering the karaoke debacle well. . until this never before seen video surfaced, revealing my redneck ways. The team is still doing damage control.




Here are some of the songs you'll hear during my campaigning. If they don't make you get up and shake your tail feather on the bar and on over to the polls in November, I don't know what will.