Damn Fickle Machines

Dearest Computer,

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways: (1) You help me stay connected to family and friends. (2) You help me create and store personal thoughts and pictures. (3) You help me earn my paycheck. You are wonderful - in theory. And yet, in practice, I loathe thee as well. You are the vilest of creatures with the most wondrous capabilities; a wolf in sheep's clothing. Your potential is so great and your claims of greatness are definitely unparallelled. I know you are capable of so much more than I can even fathom, but I'm not even asking for that amount - I just want to be able to use you in a normal way without pulling my hair out. Is that really so much to ask?

It's a delicate relationship we have together. Why must I rely on you so? You lead me on. Every time I think I can stand on my own, you show back up with some flashy new trinket to pull me back into your grasp and I feel myself falling all over again. I realize I have issues at home and work (yes, I have multiple partners), and further, I understand that I may be the common denominator, but I refuse to believe it's all operator error. It's you, not me! I recognize that I push you to your limits by loading programs such as "AOHell" Norton 360 or Adobe Photoshop that completely lock things up - especially if you try to run them simultaneously (as I do at work almost daily). But, I have to work and I don't like change. I like my comfort zone, am familiar with my browser and like the fact that my email address hasn't changed in well over a decade. I'm stable like that, see? It's a trait you are sorely lacking and need to work on. And I understand that I have umpteen million gigasomethings of pictures stored for you to maintain. But, I still expect to be able to do things in a timely manner. Normal, simple things - like open programs or routine key strokes. In theory, you are built to handle these things. You are supposed to be such a great time-saver and yet, have been one of the biggest wasters of time in my life as I sit and wait for you to sort things out, load pages or scan things; spinning your little hour glass, taunting me. I know you are supposedly scanning for potential threats that could wreak havoc and cause me a lot of frustration, but waiting on you to do them is extremely trying as well. I struggle to stay focused at work as it is, why must you make it that much more troublesome and distracting by not letting me work efficiently? And believe me, I have enough practice with patience with my kids and do not need you using up my limited supplies so that I end up snapping and taking it out on them!

This tirade extends to your parts and components as well. I cleaned the mouse. I took the little ball out and rolled it around in my hand to clean it off and I sprayed it inside and out with compacted air - I know how you like that. I put new batteries in the mouse as well; what more do you want from me? Why can't you work and respond in a decent and timely manner?! I know I am abusive and bang the mouse around, but you drive me to do it!

I get so frustrated waiting on you and being confounded by you. You are the bane of my existence. Like insurance, I've gotta have you, but you make what could be a beautiful match, very unpleasant. One day, I hope to have a more healthy relationship with you where we stay happy together (read: you give me what I want, when I want it).

Thank you!

Love Always,

Andi