In case you can't tell, that's a seashell dress. Yeah, a seashell dress. It looks like the same person who decorates beach condos the world over threw up in dress form. Also, check out the back. Ugh. Hate it. Hate it. Hate the dress. I will be nice, however, and say that Miley looks lovely excluding the dress. Actually, if the dress were not f-ing seashells, I could probably get behind it because the cut flatters her very well. Ruby also pointed out her age-appropriate cleavage, and she looks positively giddy to be there. I just can.not.condone.seashells. Oh, and why are you even at the Academy Awards??
Beyonce
Dear Beyonce, your mother is not a fashion designer. I think she has it out for you because everytime she designs you a dress for a fancy occasion you look pretty awful. In this particular number, she has outfitted you in a drape from Ozzy and Sharon's house. Sorry. Truth hurts sometimes. Love, Niki
Sophia Loren
The real tragedy is her makeup. She may be Hollywood royalty, but she was probably the biggest hot mess of the evening. And that is saying a lot considering Tilda Swinton was there.
Speaking of Tilda Swinton
Tilda, honey, in the United States of America you are allowed to show some skin. Even the Amish wear more flattering and risque clothes than this atrocity. I get your weird schtick, and I respect it, but you could at least dress like Bjork instead of a potato sack. Are you even wearing a bra?
2 tips left at the bar:
Beyonce's dress is the big loser for the whole evening, for me. T-A-C-K-Y.
Would I be thrown out of the bar if I admitted that I actually like Miley's dress?! Ok, maybe before I realized/you pointed out the whole seashell thing. I thought it was glamorous and flattering and I actually really like the holey back. And I'm kind of shocked at your hostility against seashells being a Beach Babe yourself.
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