shot of sass, served on (n)ice

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

(beauty) secrets and lies

I remember getting my first Teen Magazine, and I must've read it cover to cover about 3,000 times. I read about some supermodel who applied mayonnaise to her hair once a week to deep condition it, and I tried it.

I ended up smelling like a ham sandwich, sans ham. For three days. I could not get that mayo out of my @$%& hair.

As I got older, I got a little wiser...though not by much.


While on vacation in St. Augustine, I once tried to give myself a home bikini wax. (Niki, were you with me on this trip? This memory would be much less painful if alcohol was involved, but alas, we weren't drinkers, yet.)

But wait! This blog isn't supposed to be about beauty disasters! It's supposed to be about my secrets. So here they are, and I'm not going to tell you that I abide by all of them:

1. From Mom: Drink water. Lots of it. More than you think you need.

2. From Mom Again: Get 7-8 hours of sleep a night.

3. From my facial girl/aesthetician: Stop picking at your face.

4. Also from my aesthetician: You're not drinking enough water. Listen to your mother.

5. And from me: The things that make me LOOK like I'm following the first four "secrets":

* Crème de la Mer Moisturizer. Yep, it's expensive, but a container lasts at least a year, and it has changed my skin. I'm not kidding. I don't believe in "beauty miracles," but I do believe in this stuff. If you have dry skin, use it for three weeks, and I swear on everything that is holy in this beauty world, your skin will be perfect. Or close enough.

* Kevin Aucoin Eyelash Curler + hairdryer + Blinc Mascara = Tempe's eyes don't disappear!

A few good things about each: the pads of the curler are red, so there's no risk of catching part of your eye in the curler unless you're really trying; the hairdryer heats the pads and gives your lashes extra curl; Blinc Mascara coats your eyelashes in "tubes" instead of dyeing them in ink, making removal easy (warm water and pressure takes it right off).

* Bobbi Brown Tinted Eye Brightener. A perfect way to cheat your way to 8 hours of sleep. It's not too heavy, and I use it on any spot on my face that needs "help."

So that's it. And don't put mayonnaise in your hair. I don't care what the supermodels are doing these days.

7 tips left at the bar:

Miss Thystle said...

I was the coolest kid in the sixth grade when my mom bought me a subscription to Teen magazine. Everything I know about blue eye-liner I learned from it's hallowed pages...

Bj in Dallas said...

I have two older sisters so it was seventeen mag for me...and I tried the mayo at a friends house and yeah, the dogs wanted to lick my head.
The first age related problem I noticed were my hands!! getting kinda of old looking, I googled some stuff and Italian women of all ages use olive oil and gloves at night. I tried it and it helps!
You just smell like a salad, kind of like the mayo.

niki said...

Ooh, BJ I'm going to have to try the olive oil, I think!

Temp - where were you with this creme de la mer stuff when I was desperately seeking moisturizer a month ago?! And I don't *think* I was there for the bikini wax, because surely I would've insisted on alcohol, regardless of our age, for that kind of endeavor!

Megan said...

Nik, were you at Tempe's house when she held back on the CDLM? Because if you were... that's cold, Temp.

Alcohol is absolutely necessary for an at home bikini wax! I tried one once, at it was UGLY, let's just say. Leave it to the pros, in my opinion!

niki said...

Now that you mention it, I do believe I WAS at Tempe's house, Megs.

It was Thanksgiving-ish, and I broke my windshield wiper on the way to her house to dine with her and her fam. Unfortunately, I was the only one sober enough to drive me home, so I had to sleep over old-school style. (Long story)

When I washed my face, I DO remember mentioning my moisturizer troubles. I do NOT remember T mentioning anything about CDLM. Hooker!

tempe said...

Crap! Nik, I'm so sorry. Blame the wine. I was D-Runk that night at my parents' house.

I will send you a sample... :)

penelope said...

My favorite is, "Stop picking at your face." So wise, so wise.