shot of sass, served on (n)ice

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Make Love, Not War

Make Love, Not War, a two-step guide to improving America:

1. More Sex - I advocate a mandatory minimum of once per week for all adults between the ages of 18 and 60. Not married? No relationship? No problem. We'll implement a matching service and provide easily affordable and attainable "self-help" materials. There are a lot of problems in this country, and I'll be damned if I know how to solve them. However, I do know that if we all just mellowed out a little bit, if everyone was getting laid more regularly, the economy, crime, that guy that cut you off in traffic, the underage Chinese gymnasts - it all wouldn't seem quite so awful. We might, in fact, all just get along.

2. More Vacation - Country(wo)men, we need to get out more. Not only do we need to take a rest from the ordinary day-to-day of work and hassle, but we also need to expand our horizons. My administration will require at least 6 weeks vacation time for everyone. Moreover, at least once every 3 years, a stipend will be given to take a vacation out of the country. This helps foreign policy - it's well-known that personal contact of a person of a different culture, race, ethnicity, etc. helps understanding and empathy toward that entire group. We'll learn about the rest of the world (maybe even improve our geography) and they'll also learn we're not the arrogant, stupid bruts they believe us to be.

Because I'll need extra time to personally practice my own initiatives, I'm going to need several VPs. For the sex part, Dita Von Teese will make an outstanding leader. For the travel stuff and other foreign policy, Saint Angelina Jolie will guide us. Also, my dog, Masala is going to give a voice to the animals of our fair country and really swing the puppy vote our way.

I know it sounds impossible for me to lose with a platform like this, but it's going to be a bit tough to overcome the bad press when everyone finds out *gasp* that I'm a vegetarian. A non-meat-eater in the White House? I won't get one vote below the Mason-Dixon Line!

Fortunately, my opponent, Tom Riddle is fetching his snake on people, which is not very popular. So get your globe out ladies and gentlemen, we're going on a sex-cation for four years!

6 tips left at the bar:

Megan said...

I'm on board for lots of sex and vacays, even if you are a Veggie!

I see this as a no fail campaign, Nik. Congratulations on your stunning victory!

Andi said...

sexcation. hee. Great campaign approach. . .if only. we could totally all use more lovin' and more free time.

penelope said...

Down with Tom Riddle! Vote for Niki! I'm absolutely looking forward to these new programs in our country.

Smilf said...

Well, thank you for sealing the deal on who I will vote for! Sexcations?! Count me in!! Where do I sign??

BOTB said...

You have my vote. More sex and more vacay ... omg that's my ideal world!

Swirl Girl said...

You've got my vote!