shot of sass, served on (n)ice

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Debbie Downer Visits the Bar

I am basically a 21-year old guy. I'm totally self-involved, I'm in no hurry to get married, I'm not interested in having kids, and I don't clean. True, I don't binge drink 3-7 nights per week, nor do I sleep with lots of girls, but if you walked into my house you would swear some college dudes lived here.

It's not that I'm nasty. I don't leave food lying around, leftovers growing a science experiment on the coffee table, or spilt milk on the counter. But that's about as far as it goes.

Most of my tidying up goes on purely in my mind. On Friday evenings or Saturday mornings I'll empty what's left of the clean dishes from the dishwasher into the cabinets. Then I'll load the dirty ones, that have built a tower in my sink accumulating from the last week, into the dishwasher. I'll have every intention of not letting it happen again. But guess what - it always does. After the dishes, I'll sweep up the downstairs because dog hair is a bitch, and every so often I'll even mop the kitchen and Masala's "unsupervised" area.

Beyond that . . . basically I do laundry when I run out of underwear and am too broke to buy more. (Only once have I had to turn underwear inside out, like boys do, but that was a special situation.) When the laundry is clean . . . NEVER gets folded (ironically, it may make it onto a hanger or into a drawer when I've worn it once and don't feel it's reached full dirty potential).

All this is to say, that none of you have anything to worry about by having a few piles around the house. TRUST. You can feel content that you are cleaner than me. My entire house, except for my bed, is a pile (although, I have been known to sleep with clean clothes pushed to the other side of the bed from time to time).

Excuses - I've got loads of them.

* My house is too big for one person

* I'm a single "parent" (I know he's not a child, but Masala has to be walked 1.5 - 2 hours a day people. That's not nothing.)

* My job is extremely stressful and wears me down

* I work out a lot

* I'm tired!

* No time in the evenings

* Many weekends I go out of town

Right - like I'm the only one in the world with these issues. The truth of the matter - I'm both lazy and I hate to clean. Lethal combination. So unless someone is coming over, my house is rarely presentable.

I know what you're thinking - Shut up already and give us the pictorial evidence!

I'm sorry, but I can't do more than one tiny picture. For all of you it's funny and mildy embarassing, but for me, it's literally a life-long struggle.  I didn't get the "clean/orderly gene."  In high school and college it's sort of expected, but really, at 29 years old, I should grow up already. I'm extremely self-conscious and ashamed of it, but I know without a major overhaul, it's not going to change. And really, I'm struggling enough in my life as it is - with figuring out how to be a "real lawyer" to surviving in a small town to juggling a long-distance relationship - this just isn't really a priority. But that doesn't mean I don't care either. It's like being 200 lbs overweight - you know you are, you know you should do something about it, but the task seems insurmountable, so why even try? (And you definitely don't go onto the beach in a bathing suit, advertising to everyone how big you are!)


My to-be-shredded-then-recycled junk mail pile, used to sit in pretty decorative blue bowl.  Cleaner in foreground purchased about 2 weeks ago in bold attempt to clean bathroom; cleaner has not made it's way to proper storage facility for unknown reasons.  Also can see a hint of bananas that I've totally forgotten to eat and will probably throw out tonight (this actually doesn't happen often b/c I heart bananas!) and the kettle which I have been using nightly to make echinacea wellness tea; I don't know why it won't sit beneath the counter in it's proper location in between uses.

So there you have it. A secret confession from one of your barmaids. I'm thinking I should give myself a label, something sort of the opposite of OCD. I'm open to suggestion, but here are my ideas so far:
* DGFD - Don't Give a F Disorder

* IDILS - I'll Do It Later Syndrome

* IRBWTD - I'd Rather Be Watching Television Disease

* BTDA - Better Things to Do Affliction

8 tips left at the bar:

penelope said...

Seems like the intention is there, which is more than any college guy could ever say! Also, sounds like you're an as-needed cleaner, and there's nothing wrong with that--at least I hope not, because I'm just the same.

I like IDILS, because it sounds like "idles."

Anonymous said...

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that picture. My counter top and table look exactly the same.

kristin said...

In your list of excuses you forgot the time-consuming task (<-I'd slash that, but your comments won't let me) hobby(<- another slash)obsession of blogging.

For the disorder I submit IRBB Syndrom. I'd Rather Be Blogging.

Anonymous said...

This is exactly how my husband is. Before I came along, his house was absolutely a mess with various piles and all kinds of craziness due to his traveling, having 2 kids by himself part time, working 80 hour weeks, etc. He will always struggle with organization and pile making. He attributes it to his ADHD. I really think he can't help it. It still makes me want to scream though. :)

Anonymous said...

I was counting on you because I know your strewn clothes habit and I'm sorry you are so self-conscious about your disorder(ly state) that you can't really reveal it in it's full glory. Clutter just adds to your stress level, though, clearly and sometimes a good cleaning can really relieve it and make you feel better? riiight, anyway, so I LOVE that your picture has cleaner in it!
And, I was going to say the same thing about IDILS sounding like IDLE, which is appropriate. But, I also really like DGFD, it really suits you. Except, it kind of sounds like you do give a F. hmm. that's curious.

Tempe said...

Aw man, I miss being roommates with you. We were both so messy, but didn't pass judgement :)

The messiness police (aka my husband) won't let me live in my natural state of disorder. Well, he will...but he's all judgy about it... :)

Ruby said...

As a former roommate of yours, I can attest to the validity of this post. It's all true, y'all, ALL TRUE.

I'm a piler too, so I feel your pain. And I never clean. Unless company's coming. Then I'm like a woman possessed!

Anonymous said...

I really thought I was reading a post about me (except for the whole I'm married thing). My whole life people have given me crap for it, but in my defense I usually know where in the rubble things are so it's easy to get by with the disaster.
I think the only difference is that my place is to small for all my stuff rather than too big. Wanna trade?