shot of sass, served on (n)ice

Monday, September 28, 2009

I'm asking for it, but I don't care

Dear The Universe,

Hey, it's me.

I know you know who I am, so don't go looking around the room with that confused look on your face that says 'It's me? It's me? Are we at that stage in our relationship yet?' Because we are at that stage, My Friend. We got to that stage when you decided to screw with me and let me turn 30. Or get fat. Either one.

You see, Uni (can I call you that?), when I got fat and turned 30, you should have made damn sure that my brain knew I was old and fat. But you didn't. And so when I found myself standing face to face with a trampoline, a contraption that I had not been on in over 14 years, I couldn't help but relive the glory days of bouncing high, higher, and highest out in my backyard in my mind. I stared at the trampoline and craved to experience the double bounce again. I needed to play popcorn once more - because I was SO GOOD at it back in the day! I felt that I couldn't live another day of my poor, pathetic, trampolineless life without jumping once more.

'It's time for us to go girls, y'all go on and head inside...' I said to my daughter and her friend. 'I'll be right in.'

And up I climbed. Daughter's friend's dad watched and laughed as I started my initial jumps, completely understanding the need to bounce. 'My shirt keeps coming up when I jump,' I complained, 'so I have to keep holding it down. I can't get my arms pumping to help me go higher!' Daughter's friend's dad understood my maniacal rant and turned to go inside so that I could fly with reckless belly showing abandon.

One bounce... wee!... two bounce.... Wee!... three bounce...WEE! And then do you know what happened, Uni? Of course you do. You're the ass who made it happen. My knee rotated and popped, bones ground together and I crumpled on the magical trampoline like a bug getting squashed by a shoe.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL MY THRILL SEEKING, PERPETUALLY 14 BRAIN THAT I WAS OLD AND FAT, UNIVERSE?! I hate you. And every time I try to walk and feel the pain in my knee I hate you a little more. And then when I can't hold out any longer and I absolutely have to go up the dadgum stairs, I hate you infinitely more. And then, then when I try to wear my husband's knee brace but can't keep it on very long because it's too small, I hate you more than I can comprehend. But you know what's the absolute worst, Universe? The fact that I am so stinking motivated to not be fat anymore that I am rearing to go work out except I can't because I HAVE A BUM KNEE.

Guess what I do have, though, Universe? One good knee and leg. And I'm going to use it to kick your ass. But no fighting on a trampoline, ok?


PS: I am not on Facebook. I just learned that my grandmother is. You suck.

PPS: Thanks for the trip to Texas, though. It was pretty awesome. You only suck a little.

PPPS: Oh, and the corn nuggets that I got from Chicken Express while in Texas? FREAKING AWESOME, Universe! You don't suck anymore.

PPPPS: Wait, those magically delicious corn nuggets are helping make me fat. I take it all back. You totally, unconditionally, suck.

4 tips left at the bar:

Bj in Dallas said...

Ok, I have a few things to say about this.
1. No one warns you about these bdays, so pace yourself so you can make it to 50 with me...oh, but then I'll be 70.

2. You were in Texas?? Better not be anywhere close to Dallas, cause me, Racie, and Sheila would have totally met you somewhere!

3. I'm dieting too. Just saw some photos and thought WTF? so it begins (again) today. Working out too, one helps the other.
Can you walk and get your knee stronger? Do you need to go to the Dr?

4. The Unemployment Division of the Universe has been busy with me.
Or not busy. And when I get a potential 'good lead', for different reasons, Ihave to hurry up and wait. It f-ing sucks.


schu said...

now go swimming.
and lift arm weights.
you're in for a fight.

Cakelet said...

I'm sorry the trampoline ate your knee. The Universe allows stuff like that to happen. But it allows the good stuff, too. And sometimes, if your timing is perfect... the REALLY GOOD stuff.
I'm old and fat, too. 46 in people years. Which is what I am, so that's my actual age. And I'm probably fatter than you, but I'm working on it. Me and the Universe got an agreement. I eat less, it makes me skinnier. Sometimes, the Universe is beautiful and simple like that. Ah, yes. Simple, as they say, BUT NOT EASY. But worth it, I bet. It sucks being fat. I really hate it. But I'm alot less fat now than I was at this time last year. And maybe, if I'm good, I'll be alot less fat next year than I am now. Go to Look at it. Think about it. And keep asking for it. Just... be careful what you ask for! :-)

pen said...

Simultaneously the funniest and saddest thing I have read in a good long while. Can't stop laughing! And crying. Oh dear.