shot of sass, served on (n)ice

Sunday, May 31, 2009

I did my best to not make you barf

Salt on the rim is how I like my fruity drinks, but discussing my salt on the rim, well, the thought of that MAKES ME SWEAT!

But Andi says I must disgust discuss, and as a rule, I do what Andi says. She's got a black belt, you know. (That and the fact that she totally took care of me when I got a wee bit too crazy with the beer, champagne and wine back at the cabin. A girl will owe another girl enough favors to fill the deep end of a pool, in such instances, and last I checked I owe Andi about 718 deep ends.)

I'm procrastinating. And avoiding. Can you tell? No, no, I have to talk the salty talk! I said I would. Black belt. Pools. Salt. No salt in pools, though, unless you have a salt water pool. Do those even exist? Or did I just make that up? Who would even have one of those? Maybe some nutcase in Kansas who is plenty far away from any gulf or ocean but went to one once as a child and wants to relive the experience every summer has one. Although, I don't recall seeing any when I was out there...

Alright, damnit, I'm getting to the armpit talk!

(This reminds me, I really need some input on a good brand of deodorant/antiperspirant. I just finished a stick of some kind or another that was okay, and then picked up a stick of Dove that I had in the closet. Now I'm kind of meh about the Dove and remember maybe why I stuck it in the closet to begin with. It has a nice scent, and as I remember is really nice for making your underarms look smooth and lovely, but it's not getting the job done. No, I need a job DOER. Got any doers for me?)

How may deep ends of pools do I owe Andi? Crap.

Once there was a girl who wasn't unlike most other girls. She put on anitperspirant every morning (but only the kind that smells like powder because she's perpetually 13 when it comes to that) and exercised when she could.

Exercising made this girl feel good, but kind of stink. Especially boxing. Boxing made this girl stink. She smelled so bad that one time when she went home from working out her loving husband, who himself smelled like horse poop, asked her to shower.

'Where are you powder deoderant?!' she cried. Except that she hadn't applied her Secret Powder Fresh deoderant to her whole body! Next time, she told herself, I'm going to rub that stuff all over my face, neck, chest and lower back! (Note to girl-self: Make sure deo is InvisiSolid.) She didn't need to Secretize her booty since she compulsively checked for booty sweat after workouts and hadn't ever found any. But that could be because the girl prefered to wear shorts that had little shorts inside of them where if there was any sweating going on it would have been hidden, maybe?

One time this girl got the big idea to participate in a triathlon that she was grossly unprepared for. When it came time for this girl to bike 10 miles of some of THE MOST UNBELIEVEABLE HILLS THAT SHOULDN'T EVEN EXIST IN KANSAS, this girl produced copious amounts of perspiration at about mile 3. By mile 9 this girl was sweating from every inch of her body. Even her eyeballs. Or were those tears from the horrendous amount of pain that her legs were in? The point is, this girl could have been battered in Secret Powder and fried in Secret Sauce and it wouldn't have mattered one little bit. And then she had to go run for a mile or twenty. By the time it was all said and done, this girl had sweated so much, and in such places she won't talk about, that everything else is mild by comparison.

Even booty sweat.

THE (merciful) END.

9 tips left at the bar:

Andria said...

Ruby, I love you!
Puh-leeze on the owing me anything, except I am going to keep calling in those favors you think you owe me if it gets you out to the bar more often! We miss you and your witty commentary!

Bj in Dallas said...

the fact that you attempted a Triathalon in the first place is total forgiveness for sweat in all of the wrong places. I mean, what were you thinking? I don't even walk to the store that is only 5 blocks away.

The thought alone makes me sweat, and btw, I have been called
"Sweaty Betty" before. Not pretty.

sheila said...

Triathalon??!! You are way too energetic for me...walking my dog can get me out of breath!!

I'm interested in the deoderant/antiperspirant suggestions, though. If I buy one & like it, by the time I am halfway through the second purchase I feel like it doesn't work anymore. Like my body decides "Eh, we don't like this one anymore"...

Oh, and for the record I am a face sweater. Ech!!

penelope said...

I have to agree: triathlon?! That's either insane, or extremely impressive, I can't decide. Perhaps both.

Isn't there an OTC "clinical strength" deo? I've been curious about that one.

Ruby said...

This girl that I spoke of was a teeny bit crazy to undertake such a thing. She finished, but just barely!

I bit the bullet this morning and bought the amped up Secret (in Powder scent, of course) that was one step below the OTC clinical strength stuff Pen spoke of. I need a doer, but not so bad as to pay $11 for the high octane stuff! I'll let you know how it goes, because I know exactly what Sheila's talking about! I think my body builds up immunity... or something?

Anonymous said...

I've tried the Secret Clinical. It helps me, because I tend to sweat through shirts all the time.

(Not necessarily because I'm hot, but because apparently my body doesn't self-regulate temperature well. WTF. So even though I'd like to go for the more natural stuff, not really an option.)

It seems to help, as I have less days when I'm self-conscious about the state of my shirt underarms. I use it at night before bed (per the directions) and then use regular stuff in the morning after the shower. More than I'd want to spend? Yes. Worth it? Well, I'm still buying it...

Cakelet said...

That was THE sweatiest blog post I have ever read.

But since I am the sweatiest person I know, it didn't gross me out at all.

I consider my excessive sweating to be a kind of public service to people who worry about that kind of thing. If you were ever out somewhere, sweating more than you wanted to, and you happened to look over and I was standing next to you, you could comfort yourself by saying -- well, I'm pretty sweaty, but I'm not as bad as THAT woman.
I'm generous like that.

Bj in Dallas said...

I am so glad to see all these sweaty women on here. I am a face sweater too, and really hate it when people say 'are you hot?'
AND, I know when I sweat on the back of my head, kinda behind my ears, I will not cool off until I take a shower. Totally downhill from there.

At least we are getting all of the toxins out of our bodies, unlike the girls that never sweat.

niki said...

I just have this to say right now, because I'm being lazy at the moment. I believe women fall firmly into 2 camps: those who can (& sometimes do) wear powder fresh deodorants and those who would rather die a smelly, B.O. filled death than wear it.

I find myself in the latter group. Sure, on the stick/gel/whatever, smells lovely, like a baby. On me, two hours later, smells like f-ing sour milk. It's really, really awful and worse than actual body odor. For reasons I'm sure a scientist could tell me, it is not like this for all women. Works great for some. For me and others like me (I know they're out there, I've met them!), it's an abomination worse than watermelon Jolly Ranchers.

Now I'm sure one of you lot will comment and prove me wrong, but I stand by my theory; I bet if I did a survey, my theory would cover about 85% of peeps.