shot of sass, served on (n)ice

Monday, February 9, 2009

An Airing of Grievances (Just Like Festivus!)

We're feeling a bit rowdy this week as we start calling people out for grievances against us. This may include inanimate objects as well as general situations, but we don't care. We're equal opportunity ass kickers around here. So please excuse us, we may have to take this outside.

First on my list of wrongdoers is that no good, low down, cheap example of a generic brand, Laura Lynn. Ingle's supermarket, with their glossy floors and bright, inviting aisles, are letting me down severely with this travesty of product line. Along with my general malcontent is the GIGANTIC lightening of my wallet as a result of having no good alternative to name brand. I hate you, LL, and your super-sweet-to-cover-up-the-cardboard-like-tendencies raisin bran. And your zero flavor taco seasoning. I know! How about you go jump in a lake, Laura, and take your nasty oatmeal with you? (Kroger brand? Sweet, delicious Kroger brand? Where art thou?)

Oh sweet baby, the next item on my list is no something you can really get into a fist fight with (wait, like Laura Lynn is?), but I don't care. That multitude of teeth that have all decided to descend into my baby's top gum at the same time can bite it. There has been an undue amount of HELL unleashed upon me, my sweet, unsuspecting one year old, and the whole fam damily as a result of this invasion, and I've just about had it. These four (or is it five?) teeth have caused my alcohol consumption to shoot through the roof, and NOT IN A GOOD WAY.

And lastly. Lastly is the critter, of undetermined specie, that is living in my wall. Screw you, buddy. I don't know if you have monstrous gnawing teeth and jaws, or if I'm just sensationalizing the situation, but the chewing has got to stop. Especially at 12:30 in the A.M. when a girl is trying to sleep. I realize that while my arm flailing, bleary-eyed beating on the wall may have made you temporarily cease your efforts, you are by no means gone. And so I'd like to make this very unPETA statement to you: Cut that shit out and get out of my house or I'm going to start shooting randomly at the wall with my very handy rifle, loaded with my very handy rat shot, until I strike gold.

Wow. That's quite a release to spew forth venom like that! Give it a shot yourself in the comments. We've got plenty of alcohol to go around.

10 tips left at the bar:

penelope said...

That was awesomely cathartic! I have never heard of the abhorrent LL brand, but she should be ashamed of herself, that B.

Damn mouse! Heaven help you if the wall chewer dies in there, though. The smell will not be good.

Miss Thystle said...

The person who gave me this never ending sore throat can take a long walk of a short pier. And then SINK and DIE because TWO WEEKS of not being able to swallow means that there is an unexceptable level of blood in my alcohol stream and that is making me WICKED cranky. WICKED CRANKY.

penelope said...

Miss Thystle, that was awesome.

Cakelet said...

Hey -- is this an open complaining post? Because I totally have one! I hit a pothole last week that dented the rim on my tire, causing the tire to go flat, causing me to have to replace rim and tire, plus the matching tire, so they'd be equal. 600 bucks. But wait -- there's more. The impact triggered the safety belt sensors (though not the airbags, oddly) and now the sensors have to be replaced. Wanna take a guess? $1,300. Do you guys allow swearing? Because, really, I just want to say F*CK YOU, Acura Dealership! You can kiss my ass! There is NO WAY I am paying $1,300 to replace safety belt sensors. I'm getting a second opinion.
(thanks. that did feel good.)

penelope said...

$1900 for hitting a pothole?! WTF! There has to be another way.

Megan said...

That's what I'm talking about, Miss T and Cakelet! LET 'EM HAVE IT!

Pen, I sort of only hope it's a mouse. Because it might be a rat. Or a squirrel. Or worse. *gulp*

penelope said...

Megs, do you have a possum in your walls???

Effing rodents. :-P

Andria said...

LL is definitely low rent! ick. Kroger has good store brand and premium store brand (Private Selection) and so does Publix. Heck, even Equate (Walmart) is decent.

Hope that critter moves on soon!

Loving the rants Miss Thystle and Cakelet! Sorry you have to endure such maladies, but I enjoyed your vent session for what that's worth. Probably not $1900. Or a co-pay on some good antibiodics.

niki said...

Megan, that pictures gives me the freaking creeps! That tail...shudder! Do you want me to send my pesky cats to take care of your pesky wall critter?

niki said...

And thank you readers for getting in on the action - I knew we weren't alone in wanting to give some people a beat down.