At the very least I would like a Barcalounger.

What reality TV show would I be on, and why?

Let me start by saying that if I were a *slightly* less sensitive person, I would be on Survivor. I heart Survivor, maybe because I would never make it three hours on the show. Well, maybe one day and a night. But as soon as hunger kicked in the next morning, my demise would be quick.

Here are the facts:

*I sunburn easily.

*I require sleep.

*I require good, comfortable sleep.

*I am a bug magnet. They find me, they suck my blood, I swell.

*I don't respond well to hunger.

*I lose my head, actually, if very hungry. Can't focus. Very unpleasant to have a conversation with.

*I wear contacts. Wouldn't they dry up, and/or get sand on them? The very fact that I worry about this ridiculous, tiny matter proves that I would be a horrible Survivor contestant.

*I could never wear a bathing suit on national TV. Much less a Survivor BUFF as a bikini top. I think all females under the age of say, 35, are required to do so, and if they don't, they're considered totally uncool.

*I would totally cry if my camped burned down. Especially if my Magic 8 ball went with it.

*I can swim, but I'm not that good a swimmer.

*I'm going to be useless at challenges if I'm hungry and not well-rested. Might as well be one of the animals out there.

*Which, speaking of, not a big fan of the animals, either. Snakes, spiders, RATS, and who knows what other furry, slimy scary beasties are lurking under a rock. Yipe. Next Survivor, there's supposed to be elephants and gorillas and hippos walking around. I have nightmares about these things. I mean, they're fine in theory. Just not at my campsite.

*I would totally miss my family. I tear up just thinking about the video that J.Lo, K.Lo, and N.Lo would send me 20-some days in. I would be in little Penelope pieces all over the jungle floor.

*I might fly under the radar as a strategy, since I tend to blend into the walls, but I feel like I might be terrible at the game otherwise. I mean, it's one thing for me to be all, "IT'S A GAME, PEOPLE!" from the comfort of my own living room, but in "reality," I might be just as offended if someone wrote my name down on that parchment. I might take it personally, even if I knew in theory that it's absolutely stupid to do so. The unavailability of burgers and fries, not to mention a Tempurpedic mattress pad, out there in the wild might be doing the talking more than my Super Badass Survivor-Playing Self.

But I still really, really want to be on the show. Because it's Survivor, man. Camping, strategy, pushing your own physical limits. A shot at a million dollars! And in the immortal words of last season's Erik the Ice Cream Scooper, "Look, it's Jeff Probst, he's standing right there!" (Or something to that goofy, starry-eyed effect.)

Let me end by saying that because I am a sensitive girl and this Survivor dream just isn't going to happen, I'd at the very least like to be on Wheel of Fortune. It's true. Is WoF even a reality show? Probably not, but I'm going to make it mine, anyway. I'm certainly not going to go on The Real World, my brain might explode. So, WoF: Everyone's so happy on there, and the puzzles are totally workable, especially on a full stomach. And no one goes home a loser. As Pat Sajak once noted, on certain other games shows, which may or may not begin with a "J" and rhyme with "Schmeopardy," if you lose, they don't even send you home with a Barcalounger. At WoF, they give you a thousand bucks just for your trouble. But I would totally get to the Bonus round, with a lot of money and a vacation or two under my belt. I'm sure of it.