Seriously. 8:40 PM

Dear Universe,

You know I don’t like to beg. But seriously? We need to discuss something that I’m going to call… clamshells. Because I don’t normally like to even talk about clamshells, I loathe clamshells, but issues with clamshells incite regular penelope meltdowns, and it’s time we lay it all out on the table and admit this ugly truth.

The main thing is, I know it’s my own darn fault that I have a low supply of clamshells. But have you seriously not taken notice of my efforts to pay back borrowed clamshells and return to some sense of normalcy re: regular clamshell supply? You have? You’ve seen all budget cuts I’ve made in our company, the cutbacks, the conservation efforts, the true diligence in returning every spare clamshell we can? Well how come every time I even start to have a tiny sense that we *may* be able to shovel ourselves out of of the clamshell hole in a reasonable amount of time, you go ahead and put us back at Square 1. I’m dying to know.

For instance, why after returning a huge shipment of borrowed clamshells to the original distributor do you insist on BREAKING THE CAR and thereby, in one evil, fell swoop, leveling the clamshell playing field once again? It makes me want to weep. And I have. Because seriously, Universe, that’s just downright mean. And you’ve done it multiple times! If it’s not the car breaking, it’s something else. You always have something up your sleeve, you always wait for just the right moment to execute that terrible little sucker punch.

I’ve got my shovel in hand and I’m breaking a sweat, have been for months—years now, really. And waiting. Waiting for you to CUT ME A BREAK. Lessons re: clamshell borrowing have been learned. The hard way. Several times over. A little recognition, recompense here would be lovely.

Not your biggest fan at the moment, at least when it comes to clamshells,

penelope

P.S. In many other ways, I am your biggest fan, truly. But this—it’s a big deal. As I would say in bad traffic, Come the eff ON! Seriously.

On Repeat: Fireflies 11:03 AM

I'd like to interrupt my prescribed task of ticking off The Universe with this song:

Fireflies - Owl City

Love, love, love it!

Also, the video is here on YouTube. I can't embed it, but it might be worth your time to check it out if you enjoy seeing all sorts of toys from the 80's (and beyond?). A Speak & Spell? Rock on!

I'm asking for it, but I don't care 5:30 AM

Dear The Universe,

Hey, it's me.

I know you know who I am, so don't go looking around the room with that confused look on your face that says 'It's me? It's me? Are we at that stage in our relationship yet?' Because we are at that stage, My Friend. We got to that stage when you decided to screw with me and let me turn 30. Or get fat. Either one.

You see, Uni (can I call you that?), when I got fat and turned 30, you should have made damn sure that my brain knew I was old and fat. But you didn't. And so when I found myself standing face to face with a trampoline, a contraption that I had not been on in over 14 years, I couldn't help but relive the glory days of bouncing high, higher, and highest out in my backyard in my mind. I stared at the trampoline and craved to experience the double bounce again. I needed to play popcorn once more - because I was SO GOOD at it back in the day! I felt that I couldn't live another day of my poor, pathetic, trampolineless life without jumping once more.

'It's time for us to go girls, y'all go on and head inside...' I said to my daughter and her friend. 'I'll be right in.'

And up I climbed. Daughter's friend's dad watched and laughed as I started my initial jumps, completely understanding the need to bounce. 'My shirt keeps coming up when I jump,' I complained, 'so I have to keep holding it down. I can't get my arms pumping to help me go higher!' Daughter's friend's dad understood my maniacal rant and turned to go inside so that I could fly with reckless belly showing abandon.

One bounce... wee!... two bounce.... Wee!... three bounce...WEE! And then do you know what happened, Uni? Of course you do. You're the ass who made it happen. My knee rotated and popped, bones ground together and I crumpled on the magical trampoline like a bug getting squashed by a shoe.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL MY THRILL SEEKING, PERPETUALLY 14 BRAIN THAT I WAS OLD AND FAT, UNIVERSE?! I hate you. And every time I try to walk and feel the pain in my knee I hate you a little more. And then when I can't hold out any longer and I absolutely have to go up the dadgum stairs, I hate you infinitely more. And then, then when I try to wear my husband's knee brace but can't keep it on very long because it's too small, I hate you more than I can comprehend. But you know what's the absolute worst, Universe? The fact that I am so stinking motivated to not be fat anymore that I am rearing to go work out except I can't because I HAVE A BUM KNEE.

Guess what I do have, though, Universe? One good knee and leg. And I'm going to use it to kick your ass. But no fighting on a trampoline, ok?

Ruby

PS: I am not on Facebook. I just learned that my grandmother is. You suck.

PPS: Thanks for the trip to Texas, though. It was pretty awesome. You only suck a little.

PPPS: Oh, and the corn nuggets that I got from Chicken Express while in Texas? FREAKING AWESOME, Universe! You don't suck anymore.

PPPPS: Wait, those magically delicious corn nuggets are helping make me fat. I take it all back. You totally, unconditionally, suck.

Dear The Universe 11:38 PM

It's letter writing time again at the bar, and this time we're writing out our thoughts and feelings to The Universe.

This may or may not be unlike the time the we whipped out our Poison Pens and wrote scathing letters to whomever we damn well felt like. It just depends on how The Universe has been treating us lately and how many glasses of wine we have consumed at writing time. Which may or may not be unlike any other day of the week.

Except for that whole wine drinking thing. That IS like every other day of the week.

The Trikini 4:30 PM

It’s called the trikini, and judging simply from the racks at Target alone, it was very popular this year. I had been dying to discuss this bathing suit all summer, and finally an opportunity presents itself to ask: What do you think of it?

Deposit Two Cents Here 11:30 PM

It’s Poll Week here at the bar! We ask that you stop by and weigh in on extremely important issues. Such as:

Serena or Blair?*

Doesn’t matter if you watched the Emmys, or whether or not you still watch Gossip Girl. What is the verdict here on these dresses worn by Blake Lively and Leighton Meester? Want to know what I think? I’ll never tell… Ha ha. Now let’s get down to business.

 

*Yeah, it’s a poll ripped from about a million other websites, but why shouldn’t Smartini play, too?

Pen + TV: MFEO 9:30 PM

First thing’s first. In case you missed it, here is the link to EW Magazine’s magical Fall Premiere Cheat Sheet. Use it, love it, refer to it often.

As usual, I found this year’s Fall TV issue a lot overwhelming. I love to try out new shows, but at this juncture in my Managerial career, I’m extremely picky. I have to LOVE the show through and through to stay on board. I do, however, have a lot of love in my heart to go around.

Pen’s Old Flames

1. The Office: Enough said.
2. Survivor: Samoa. I’ll be there until the very last Tribal Council.
3. Grey’s: I’ve read every single spoiler I could get my hands on and feel ready to face the future.
4. ProRun: I’m loving it. Glad Lifetime barely changed a thing. Smart.
5. Top Chef: Makes me so happy!
6. ANTM: Ditto! Inexplicably happy.
7. How I Met Your Mother: If you’re not watching this show by now, please rent from the beginning immediately. I can’t say this enough.
8. 30 Rock: Tina Fey is just brills.
9. Parks & Recreation: As is Amy Poehler.
10. Amazing Race: Phil’s arched eyebrow is also excellent.

New Flirtations

1. Community: It certainly seems like they can’t go wrong with this amazing cast.
2. SNL Weekend Update Thursday: It’s the best part of SNL, so why not twice a week?
3. Vampire Diaries: First ep still on my DVR, better get cracking soon!
4. Glee: After watching the first ep, I finally understand. Ryan Murphy show. Nip/Tuck, Popular sensibility + high school glee club + Jane Lynch? I’m in.
5. The Beautiful Life? I feel like I will give it a go, since it’s produced by Ashton and Tyra both. Even though I keep mixing it up with Beautiful People, which was on 5 years ago, and Gossip Girl, which I broke up with last year.
6. V. Does anyone else remember this crazy/creepy series from the 80s? It’s coming back!

I Would Never Date

1. Melrose Place. Ashlee Simpson and I broke up years ago.
2. Sons of Anarchy? I don’t get it.
3. Mercy. I mean… can we come up with a new drama that isn’t based in a hospital or a court room, please?

We Might Have to Break Up

1. Scrubs. Oh, I love you Scrubs, but you already ended last year. The new, reinvented classroom version with Turk and Dr. Cox? Eh.

I Still Pine For

1. Life. Can’t believe it ended when it did. So wrong.
2. Friday Night Lights, which I won’t see until it is on regular cable. Sigh.
3. Reaper. Such brilliance! Cancelled! Oi.

Should I Call? Or Are We So Over.

1. The Hills. Frankly, I cut both The Hills and The City last year, so I don’t know why I’d go back. Except that I miss it sometimes. But on the other hand, it’s Kristen’s show now, and she plans to stir up some shit just to stir it up. And there is a line of “contrived” that I’m unwilling to cross…

In spite of all the unanswered questions, still-broken hearts and other romantic entanglements, I thoroughly love Fall TV and couldn’t be happier about its return. Cheers! And bonus points if you can tell me what movie inspired the title of this post, and/or what it stands for.

Back on the Wagon 8:11 PM

The truth is that until this Weekly Special, I had completely forgotten about Fall TV. It has been so long since I watched primetime tv (you know, May), that I Googled "tv listings" in order to find out what I might watch tonight. Totally forgot what shows come on which nights. It's not that I don't watch tv, but this summer I've somehow passed the time without missing its presence.

To be honest, since I don't have DVR, tv feels constraining sometimes, trying to get stuff done by X time and rushing around. It gets stressful! (Just imagine if I had cable) So summertime is always a nice break for me. Of course, now that summer is over, and I will undoubtedly fall into dark depression due to colder temperatures and less tennis/Rafa watching, it's good to know tv will be there to make life worth living.

The other girls have mentioned some of my staples:
Grey's Anatomy

Friday Night Lights

Gossip Girl

College football - preferably UF

Some I don't think have been said:
Lost (think it prob starts in Jan? no idea)

Mad Men (already started on AMC but saving up iTunes eps so I can watch back-to-back)

Private Practice - WTF happened??? Can't wait to find out!

I generally don't watch new shows unless multiple people recommend them and/or they generate critical buzz, so everyone keep me posted if I'm totally missing out!

Step 1 2:15 AM

I admit, I’m a little addicted to TV. I love good shows; the ones that make me emote!

Returning shows I watch:

House – such an awesome show. After the crazy finale, it’s really going to be different this season!

America’s Next Top Model – it just makes me happy.

Project Runway – I resisted for a long time. I am in no way fashionable, but I was sucked right into this show and love it! I clearly have a thing for these reality talent competition shows!!

Smallville – I have watched since the very beginning (hard to believe it’s been 8 seasons!) and there is just something about the show that I still really like and look forward to seeing. Oh yeah, it’s probably Tom Welling. No, but really, I just enjoy the show.

Fringe – It’s definitely out there, and close to my scary threshold, but I really like it. Gotta love Joshua Jackson!

The Office – I like it, but not as much as some people I know. ;)

Gossip Girl – still love getting my Veronica Mars fix and who doesn’t like to watch beautiful people act spoiled and rich, right?

Grey’s Anatomy – really gets my blood going sometimes or makes me cry, but keeps me coming back. Again, I’m not as into it as some people I know, but it’s good.

90210 – not really attached to it, but still watch it.

Desperate Housewives – again, it’s just been one I’ve kept up with, but I don’t really anticipate it much.

Brothers & Sisters – I like this show because it has characters that remind me of my own family and a good cast and it’s just good.

So You Think You Can Dance – excited to see more talent, but worry what will I watch next summer?

Castle – I caught a few episodes near the end of last season and I was hooked. I wish I could see the pilot to get the full scoop, but it was definitely entertaining and ranks high on my list of must see tv. In fact, I couldn’t decide on just one clip to include!

 

Design Star – I missed a lot of episodes this season, which I’m bummed about, but interested to see what comes from the winner (don’t want to give anything away, just in case).

Color Splash – still love David Bromstead the original Design Star.

The Amazing Race

Top Design – not sure if it will even come on again, but I enjoyed it when it did – again with the talent competitions.

New Stuff I’m giving a go:

Glee – Watched 2 episodes so far. I’m not sure I get all of the hype yet. It felt a little slow for me and I love good voices and singing, so the voiceover and lip synching stuff really annoys me. The soundtrack is good and there are moments. . .

Vampire Diaries – I was really worried after seeing some previews that this would be beyond my threshold for scary, but I was still able to get to sleep afterwards! And that’s saying something, I don’t fall asleep easily normally. I just finished reading the Twilight series and have really been wanting to see the movies, so it definitely sated some of that desire, but it’s also definitely different and looks interesting. The Alyssa Milano look alike is intriguing and I’m already having a hard time believing they are supposed to be in high school and we’re just in the first season! And um, the bad brother is HOT. Or at least the first shot of him was extremely hot and after that he looked a little old and very creepy (in a devilish way, not sleazy), but he’s got a definite European band flair working for him.

I’ve set to record Community, so we shall see.

I’m kind of intrigued by Ashton Kutcher’s The Beautiful Life, I may record and give it a shot.

Gone stuff I’m still lamenting:

I am really sad I don’t have ER to watch anymore – I feel empty inside - and still can’t believe Life was cancelled. And not picked up. That is just wrong. It’s even worse than cancelling My So Called Life when it was such a great show, because this one really was great.

So, does anyone know, are Dirt and Privileged gone?

must see tv! 1:00 AM

Yay! It's my favorite time of year. Football season is here, it's getting cooler, and ... wait for it ... it's time for Fall premieres!

Here's my Tivo To Do List:

Grey's. Ah, Grey's. I've missed you. McDreamy, McSteamy, weddings on post-it notes, and Cristina and Hunt...I seriously can't wait.

Gossip Girl. Oh, I just love it. The excess, the clothes. And Chace Crawford. Enough said.

I'm a little doubtful about this one...but I could use a good 30 minute sitcom (where have they all gone, btw?)

And finally, Friday Night Lights. Wonder who's coming back?

Clearly I'm a TV hermit, if there is such a thing 9:45 PM

I'm a terrible person to look to must see TV talk. As I have mentioned before, I am much more of a Discovery channel dork. Dirty Jobs and Mythbusters seem to call my name more than anything else, and for that I feel ashamed.

I do have one saving grace, though! Thanks to all of the talk around the bar about Project Runway, I did check it out at the start of the new season and I love it! (And I love Tim Gunn!) You can find me parked on the couch on Thursday nights tuning in to Lifetime (how strange is it that I'm watching Lifetime and the show isn't called Not My Baby, Unwed and Pregnant at 16, You Think I'm Not Mad But I'm Just Waiting Until You Fall Asleep or some other foolishness?!), most likely with a computer in my lap and a beer on the coffee table. Or wine. I'm an equal opportunity wine drinker as well!

Since I have a pretty sorry list for what I'm looking forward to, and since my one respectable show came from suggestions from the bar, I'm looking forward to all of the other girls' choices! I don't have a DVR or TiVo (can you imagine the horror?) so take it easy on me, ladies!

On the Tube 11:09 PM

Nothing helps drown your sorrows over the end of summer more than a stiff drink, except maybe the return of Fall TV. So, let's dish: what's on the dish that you are watching. Tell us what you can't wait to get back into, can't wait to try out (despite the hype or because of it?), even a few guilty pleasures on the rim. Are you having conflicts with your DVR roll already or having trouble filling in the gaps? Bonus points: what are you drinking while you watch each type of show?

Under a rock; on the rocks 11:03 PM

So, my Hubby mentions Megan Fox in a conversation this weekend and when I give the blank stare he informs me she is "the current IT girl"
Am I really that out of the loop to have not heard of her? Of course I see mention of her on msn today about competing with Angelina Jolie for some role. . .kind of gives credit to his claim.

WTFriday 10:28 AM

This picture makes my head hurt.




Seriously, is Lady GaGa allergic to pants? And what are those sunglasses? And what about the poor bodyguard who has to carry her purse (which, btw, is the only decent aspect of her ensemble)?


I could keep going - the hat, the shoes, the fishnets, the lack of a shirt, but I'm just gonna stop now.

Biker bar 9:43 AM

Just in case you were as clueless as I about the upcoming trends for Fall, check them out here. Biker chic, boxy, thigh-highs, neon, monotone head-to-toe and mixed prints, what fun!? As the article suggests we all should be able to use things we already own, I'm sure Pen has several of these items to throw into her bags as she packs for her NY trip!

Summertime. . .and the livin’ is easy 12:58 AM

My summer consisted a lot of:

 

sand and water

 

just your basic dog days of summer. . .

and stopping to pick the flowers. . .

 

*family vacay to the beach (Panama City Beach in Florida)

*11th Annual 4th of July Bash at the Lake – great gathering of friends, old and new

(fabulous pics taken by Ashley)

*lots of popsicles and playdates, haircuts, family, friends, celebrations

 

*watching the progress on our deck rebuild and patio and driveway additions

 

*bought 6 new snails and one crab for the fish tank. Only 2 of which are left.

*Had a gruesome injury and long recovery process for one of our dogs.

*Bought a City Pass for our own city that allowed us to go to 6 different places within 9 days for a slightly discounted price. Including: World of Coca-Cola, Georgia Aquarium,

 

Zoo Atlanta

Fernbank Museum of Natural History

and the High Museum of Art

  

*Amended my summer reading list a bit after the embarrassing no show at the bar during What are you reading? week with Jodi Picoult’s Nineteen Minutes and blazing through the Twilight series.

That about wraps it up.