I did my best to not make you barf 10:32 PM

Salt on the rim is how I like my fruity drinks, but discussing my salt on the rim, well, the thought of that MAKES ME SWEAT!

But Andi says I must disgust discuss, and as a rule, I do what Andi says. She's got a black belt, you know. (That and the fact that she totally took care of me when I got a wee bit too crazy with the beer, champagne and wine back at the cabin. A girl will owe another girl enough favors to fill the deep end of a pool, in such instances, and last I checked I owe Andi about 718 deep ends.)

I'm procrastinating. And avoiding. Can you tell? No, no, I have to talk the salty talk! I said I would. Black belt. Pools. Salt. No salt in pools, though, unless you have a salt water pool. Do those even exist? Or did I just make that up? Who would even have one of those? Maybe some nutcase in Kansas who is plenty far away from any gulf or ocean but went to one once as a child and wants to relive the experience every summer has one. Although, I don't recall seeing any when I was out there...

Alright, damnit, I'm getting to the armpit talk!

(This reminds me, I really need some input on a good brand of deodorant/antiperspirant. I just finished a stick of some kind or another that was okay, and then picked up a stick of Dove that I had in the closet. Now I'm kind of meh about the Dove and remember maybe why I stuck it in the closet to begin with. It has a nice scent, and as I remember is really nice for making your underarms look smooth and lovely, but it's not getting the job done. No, I need a job DOER. Got any doers for me?)

How may deep ends of pools do I owe Andi? Crap.

Once there was a girl who wasn't unlike most other girls. She put on anitperspirant every morning (but only the kind that smells like powder because she's perpetually 13 when it comes to that) and exercised when she could.

Exercising made this girl feel good, but kind of stink. Especially boxing. Boxing made this girl stink. She smelled so bad that one time when she went home from working out her loving husband, who himself smelled like horse poop, asked her to shower.

'Where are you powder deoderant?!' she cried. Except that she hadn't applied her Secret Powder Fresh deoderant to her whole body! Next time, she told herself, I'm going to rub that stuff all over my face, neck, chest and lower back! (Note to girl-self: Make sure deo is InvisiSolid.) She didn't need to Secretize her booty since she compulsively checked for booty sweat after workouts and hadn't ever found any. But that could be because the girl prefered to wear shorts that had little shorts inside of them where if there was any sweating going on it would have been hidden, maybe?

One time this girl got the big idea to participate in a triathlon that she was grossly unprepared for. When it came time for this girl to bike 10 miles of some of THE MOST UNBELIEVEABLE HILLS THAT SHOULDN'T EVEN EXIST IN KANSAS, this girl produced copious amounts of perspiration at about mile 3. By mile 9 this girl was sweating from every inch of her body. Even her eyeballs. Or were those tears from the horrendous amount of pain that her legs were in? The point is, this girl could have been battered in Secret Powder and fried in Secret Sauce and it wouldn't have mattered one little bit. And then she had to go run for a mile or twenty. By the time it was all said and done, this girl had sweated so much, and in such places she won't talk about, that everything else is mild by comparison.

Even booty sweat.

THE (merciful) END.

Salt on the Rim 8:05 PM

This week we're getting down and dirty and talking about (you ready for this?): sweat! Where we perspire and what makes us break a sweat. So, if you've had enough drinks to loosen you up and feel like sharing, join us in the comments with your personal spots and situations. Unless you prefer sugar on your fruity drinks.

Celeb Juice 11:10 PM

This week at the bar, we're all dragging in from the long holiday weekend and hope you had time to spend with your loved ones and honor those that serve and allow us to celebrate together.

For the weekly special, we are choosing bits of celebrity gossip and want to chew the fat with you a bit. I'm supposed to add my own commentary, but I'm not feeling bold enough just yet. .it's kind of a touchy subject and I thought I had some nasty thoughts, but now I'm feeling differently, so. . .what are your thoughts on:

SJP and Matthew Broderick having twins via a surrogate?

Here's one article on the subject.

When all else fails, DRINK. 5:53 PM

This barmaid has not had the best of holiday weekends. Suffice it to say, BOYS SUCK.  When this happens, where does your barmaid turn for help?  The [wine] bottle and the other barmaids, naturally.

As of approximately 5:15pm EST the following call for help was transmitted via text messaging to barmaids and other special friends of this barmaid (paraphrasing b/c too drunk to remember exact words):

"VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION - Can you drink a glass of red wine that has been sitting out all night? Does your answer change if this is the last glass of wine in the house?"

Live blogging the responses.  So far:

Red: It will probably be gross. Make sure no flies. Go buy new wine.
Niki: Yeah. Not an option. Alread d runk.
Red: You are awesome.
Niki: Also, just realized cannot buy alcohol on Sunday in Bible Belt!!

6:34pm, 5/24/09
Temp: I don't think wine can go bad, per se. It may taste like crap, but alcohol content is unchanged, I think.

6:48pm, 5/24/09
Pen: What will you do when said glass is consumed? Perhaps better to acquire backup bottle first.
Niki: Is Sunday. Cannot acquire in [state]
Pen: Is it no liquor on Sunday or do you just have to wait til past noon?
Niki: Oooh. You have given me hope!

9:41pm 5/24/09
Andi: Hell yeah - the alcohol will kill it!
Moments later Andi called and immediately said: "What the hell has [he] done this time?" LOVE. IT.

Drinking Buddies 8:15 PM

I’d like to sit down and have a beer with:

• Steve Carrell from “The Office,” for entertainment value. Let’s add in Amy Poehler to that sit-down… she pretty much plays the female/local government version of Michael Scott on “Parks and Recreation.” So funny and brilliant. 

 

• The gang from “How I Met Your Mother,”  because they clearly know how to do it up right. They’re always at the bar, making each other (and me) laugh.

 

• McDreamy, because he’s well… dreamy. I would just stare, thank you… no beer or wine necessary for me.

 

 

 

 

• Michael Ausiello, from Entertainment Weekly, because I am about addicted to his Tweets. I would get him drunk enough to tell me who is returning to Grey’s in the fall. I HAVE TO KNOW!

 

• Michael Pollan, author of In Defense of Food, because I have become a giant food nerd, and it’s sort of his fault. I suppose we would have to avoid all the beer derived from GMO corn products, but I also suppose that’s just fine by me.

 

• My fellow Smartini barmaids, because I miss you girls! But let’s not drink said beer in the hot tub, k?

With all that said, I am now seriously thirsty for some beer! 

Forget beer, let's do shots! 10:42 PM

Here's my list (off the top of my head), and just my list, because I'm too damn lazy to fancy it up with pictures right now.

* Ben Affleck & Matt Damon - see, e.g. Good Will Hunting

* Tina Fey - I'm sure we'd be besties

* Barack Obama - we'd laugh, we'd talk sports, we'd create world peace

* Hugh Grant - this would be awesome on so many levels

* My mom & my little sister - mom has this inner drunk that is dying to come out; my little sister is almost 21; it would be so. much. fun.

I'll buy you a beer 6:56 PM

This week we will be discussing something that is very close to our own little hearts... drinking.

Not our drunk stories, because goodness knows we have got some of those, but more along the lines of who we would like to have a beer with. (Not to be confused with those that we would like to do laundry with, although drinking and laundry often go hand in hand, no?)


Mike Rowe: I know, I must be as old as dirt but STILL! I just envision that it would be a riot. (And apparently I'm not the only one who thinks having a beer with Mike would be cool... Just trying to find a quick photo unearthed all kinds of funny people. And I don't mean funny ha-ha.)



Gordon Ramsay: I haven't seen Hell's Kitchen, but I have seen Kitchen Nightmares and The F Word, which I really like. And I fully expect that he would cuss at me.

Heather Armstrong: Yeah, I said it. Deal.

Kidd Kraddick: All of 'em! I can't tell you how much I love this show.


Paula Deen: Something tells me that we would end up eating too... And to that I say Could You Please Pass The Bacon? Amen. (I just read that Ms. Paula has an affinity for the 'salty' language. She's after my very own heart, she is.)

Whoever invented my favorite bra: No, seriously, I need to buy this person a beer. This bra has changed my life, I kid you not. (*ahem* Ladies who need larger cuppage, take note!)

I'm sure I'll think of more later, but here are my few to get your whistle wet. Who would you like to have a drink with?

What I'm reading, and the biggest WTF I have ever seen 8:53 PM

Honestly, I'm not reading a whole hell of a lot lately. Not technically, anyway. Oh, I have been reading (and rereading) a few school assignments I wrote, chapters of a textbook, emails, Twitter and some blogs.

OH HOW I HAVE BEEN READING SOME BLOGS.

More specifically, tonight as I was catching up on the blogs of a few of our readers, I came across two pictures that were... interesting. Normally I can count on BJ to have the most effed up pictures on her blog, and quite frankly, I have no idea where she finds them.

But not tonight.

No, tonight I went over to see Lorrie at Our Name Is Blog and found this picture:


I don't even know in what context this pic was originally posted, but all I can say is DAY-UM! Can I have this body? I commented to Lorrie that I kind of wanted to touch this woman's boobs. And I kind of mean it.

And then. Then I click on over to see our friend Miss Thystle. You can always count on MT to have some wacky stuff, but this TAKES THE EVER LOVING CAKE.


She found this confounding photo on Awkward Family Photos (which is chock full of, well, awkward family photos). I was absolutely at a loss for words at this. And continued to be as I read the comments.

Holy crap, the comments!

There are plenty of 'call CPS!' and 'these people are effed up!' and 'therapy will be in order!' comments, but what I'm talking about are the terribly witty ones that MADE ME CRY, they were so funny!

Just a few choice ones:

" It gets infinitely grosser if you think that maybe, just maybe, dad’s bait-and-tackle is actually there in a form-fitting part of the costume. I just made myself barf."

" Damn! Look at that sack!!!"

"Where do you even rest your eyes?? Every single thing about that picture in uncomfortable!"
(in response) "No safe place place to rest at all. Like looking at the sun." (in response) " i think the chest hair upon reflection hurts the most. it like they scalped raggedy anne and dyed it and stapled it to his chest.. i mean yeah the rest of it is OMG but that chest hair…."

"That high-pitched whirring sound you’re hearing? Freud spinning in his grave."

"I think it’s a nudist family in the winter." (in response) "You would think that if this is a winter scene the male genitalia would be smaller…"

"More like People’s Exhibit 1."

"Mom needs a Weedeater for that Bush"

(If you are wondering why I am making light of a clearly effed up picture, it should be said that the story of this photo goes back to a California artist, Anna Maltz, who made the nude suits and had models pose in them as families for her art of exploring societal taboos. You can watch a video about her (and the suits) here. I could have told you that at the beginning, but I just wanted to you freak out like I did... Thank me later.)

And thus ends the report on what I'm reading. Like I said, you can thank me later. Much later.

Books, shoes and undergarments 11:20 PM

I didn't think my list would be very long, but thinking back, here's what I read today:

Blogs, emails, IMs, Facebook, mail (containing real mail: 2 Thank You cards and 1 letter from Granny to Sweet Pea), street signs (I tend to notice billboards and other signs more than I think most people?), catalogs, fine print in contracts with evil Insurance and Utility companies, menu at a restaurant tonight (yay! special treat).
reviews of Zune vs. Ipod vs. Sansa vs. Sony vs. . . .
There's a Wocket in My Pocket by Dr. Seuss
Don't Bump the Glump by Shel Silverstein (very odd, go figure!)
Maisy Big, Maisy Small (about Maisy the Mouse and Opposites!)
No Such Things another strange one with made up creatures and names and rhymes.

Personally, what do I read? For pleasure for me? hahaha. I still have The Painted House by John Grisham courtesy of Pen sitting on my nightstand. waiting. And sadly, I had more, but I gave her back some at the retreat to send them on, so I wouldn't be backing up the sharing network.
Marley & Me from my sister and brother-in-law who didn't know the dog died, but thought it was just a good book about a lovable and quirky dog also sits there.

*********
I, too, have too many shoes to really count. There are several shelves of the ones I wear the most in the entry closet, then more upstairs in my closet - two different shoe racks, one that is used more often and one that requires a dust rag if I were to chance wearing anything on it.

I have a mere 6 bras: peach, cream, black, brown, lavendar and blue with flowers. I feel like this is a small number, but honestly it's more than I used to own and I still resort to a favorite 1-2.

Book It! 8:17 PM

Ever since it arrived in the mail about a week ago, I have been obsessed with Prozac Nation.  Can't explain it, as she mostly just whines the entire book, but damn it if I'm not hooked.  I think about it constantly, I stay up too late reading it, and I watch the clock during my TV shows waiting for them to be over so I can read (I know I could not watch, but that's my logic).

Maybe it's because I've got a bit of the doldrums myself and this book makes me feel not quite so crazy? Maybe I'm just a sick weirdo who relishes another's mental health misfortune? Or maybe, just maybe, this book is just good, and you should read it, too, especially if you or someone you love has suffered from or struggles with depression.

Other things I read today that are not quite so heavy:
* My Twitter feed
* NYTimes online
* copious amounts of tennis news
* Recipes for curried lentils

Unrelated to reading:
* Sarah, I sometimes have the same problem. I like lagers a lot; maybe stouts and porters are more your style? At one point I got into vodka tonics because somehow I thought they contained the least calories; vodka cranberry is also v. good.  Also, I used to love love Malibu Rum and Sprite; I think the only reason I quit drinking it was it seemed to not get me drunk. (I know. Terrible.)

*Andi, I have an uncountable number of shoes. Seriously. There's a bunch in a bag in my closet that I never unpacked when I moved...almost 2 years ago. Also, I have more flip-flops than anyone should ever need.  I actively wear somewhere between 15-20 pairs of my shoes, but that's mostly because of my job.

Reading is Sexy 4:30 PM

This week, us Smartini gals will be attempting to reclaim our bartending mojo by a) showing up to work and b) answering the question What are you reading? With the answer not necessarily limited to books.

I’m reading: About a Boy. There are a few movies based on novels by Nick Hornby, among them Fever Pitch, High Fidelity, and About a Boy. I love each of them enough to own and watch repeatedly, and have been wanting to read an actual Hornby book forever. The mood from something quirky-funny, male-narrated, and British finally struck, and I’m not a bit sorry. The book follows the movie pretty darn closely, and so it is kind of like curling up with Hugh Grant the movie at night, except in a slightly different, more in-depth way. Love it. Can’t say enough good things about it. Two thumbs up.

Here's me, keeping it real 8:12 PM

Yep, this is exactly the kind of thing that goes on in my house when a window won't stay up.


I swear, this has been the state of affairs ever since the weather turned nice enough to keep the windows open. I'M JUST THAT CLASSY.

(Are you checking out my yellow counter top and happenin' wallpaper?! I can see the jealousy in your eyes!)

Open Bar 9:15 PM

You might have noticed the action is a little slow here at the bar. So many moonlighting responsibilities for our barmaids, and so little time! In honor of Cinco de Mayo, May’s best bar holiday, we’d like to open up the bar to our readers: have any burning questions, comments, or suggestions for the Smartini gals? Future Weekly Special ideas? Please let us know! In spite of our spotty attendance, we remain, as always, happy to serve. Cheers!