WTF Wednesday Night 8:43 PM

There are no words. I truly thought I couldn't dislike these two people more, but as it turns out, I can.

Courtesy of Dlisted

Dr. Love 9:00 PM

Was that even his name? It’s all very fuzzy. But I do know that this guy did not mind his photograph being taken with Niki at the wine festival.

So, what do you think was the story here, with Dr. Love? Please take a few guesses in the comments section. 

WTF? 2:55 PM

It's been a while since we've had our fun with WTFriday around here, so I thought that maybe Mary Kate Olsen could help us get back into our WTFs.

And whaddya know? I was right? She's a big help:


I have a few pointers for Mary Kate:

1. Comb your effing hair.

2. Wearing that many dark rings on your fingers makes you look like an old gypsy. Lose a few, eh?

3. Haven't you read Allure/Cosmo/Glamour magazine? Lining both the tops and the bottoms of your eyes makes them look SMALLER. And while we're talking makeup, a little blush wouldn't hurt here, girlfriend.

4. Comb your hair. I'm serious.

5. You're 22 freaking years old! For the love of God, wear something that isn't from the "rejected" pile Lil' Kim's DWTS wardrobe.

6. I like the clutch; you may keep it.


That is all.

Welcome to Dead Animalville 7:30 PM

We loved our cabin, it rocked. From the hot tub, which I’m sure would have been great if used properly, i.e. not for two hours, to the rock wall, to the ginormous amount of space in and out, there wasn’t much to complain about. Except for the dead animals all over the walls. We understand it was a cabin, and that’s your standard cabin fare, decoratively speaking. But… really? It was just so not our bag, collectively. I regret I never took pictures of the Fish Room, which scared me straight up into the loft (mercifully dead animal-free), but here is a sampling just from the living room.

Let’s have a naming contest for these poor creatures: go!

 

The Lineup 9:44 AM

Per BJ's request, here we are, not hung over, showered and dressed (do you know how hard it was to achieve this feat?):

In order of height (because somebody a) is really anal or b) knows what would look best)

L to R Andi, Niki, Pen, Tempe & Ruby

Caption This: Tacky Decor 5:20 PM

We’ll get to the dead animals in a minute. Let’s start with the um, flowers and produce. My thinking with cabin and beach house decor, in general, is that it is bad for a reason. So you don’t steal it. Right? Because aesthetically, there simply cannot be another function… except maybe fashion. High fashion.

Here is the flower centerpiece on the coffee table. There might be a picture of the same flowers arranged in such a way that they look like a blanket covering up a certain inebriated barmaid (sort of ike she is lying in a field of fake flowers?), but we will protect the innocent. In the background, three Smartini barmaids chat with each other via Google Talk.

And then, here is the kitchen table centerpiece, a garland made of fake, miniature squash that was quickly transformed into a necklace… and then banished to the top of the cabinets, where it laid low for the rest of the weekend.

    

Should I have worn it out to dinner? And what do you think of my “hat.”              

America's Next Top. . Barmaid? 5:16 PM

You can definitely tell which barmaids have been watching Tyra!

runway walk! work it!
FIERCE!

the girl knows how to turn an ugly decoration into a fabulous accessory!

Captain's Log Deleted Scenes 1:41 PM

These quotes either didn't make the first cut or hadn't been said yet:

"Let's get white. She'll kill us. We'll see her nipples." - Niki, discussing shirt for Ruby, followed shortly thereafter by Andi, "Yeah! We'll get her wet!"  As a 50ish man walked by and turned beet red. 

"I'm laughing on the pot." - Um, I'll let this be anonymous unless the barmaid wants to fess up

"Look at Tempe with a knife for my wine and food injuries." - Andi, we have no idea wtf she's talking about, and that kind of makes it my favorite quote of the weekend.

"What's with your back door?" asks Andi. "My back door is personal business," Ruby retorts.

"I like that one, it looks like softcore porn." - Niki

"I'm saving myself for Bojangles." - Tempe

Don't ya'll love it when I come home for lunch and hop on the blog? 

Caption This: (s)Martini Pants 3:30 PM

A gentleman at the Wine Festival on Saturday was wearing these pants, which really are that green, the camera does not lie. I don’t know how I feel about them. Outrageous, zany, fun, courageous? Or a serious fashion crime. Maybe your caption can help me decide.

Answers in Pictorial Form 9:47 PM

a. Got a hickey from the hot tub





b. Threw up – Poor Ruby, ok, no pictures for this one. you’re welcome.

c. "Mine are pancake-ish. Just wait until I take my bra off, it's true."

d. "These mother f*ing shoes are BAD ASS!" – Penelope defending her Doc Martens.

e. "You and your f*ing hippie ideas" – Pen cursing Niki’s suggestion to climb a rock for a group photo.

f. “The darker the chocolate, the worser it is.” – Niki on dogs eating chocolate, clearly after a few drinks.

g. "I've known her since sixth grade, it's statistically impossible to NOT have seen her boobs." – Ashley via phone discussing Niki’s appreciation of nudity

h. “My Zen is on the bottom of this bottle of wine” -- Niki

i. Drank wine from an (emptied) beer bottle – Ruby! Perhaps the downfall that resulted in letter b above!

j. Woke up with a hangover (multiple answers!) – all of the mommies might have celebrated their freedom a bit much! Somehow Niki and Tempe seemed to be chipper and capable of getting out of bed or off the couch.

k. Is taking home the recyclables in a Costco bag – Penelope, which made the amusing irony in letter e above.

l. Cooked us dinner




this fabulousness was waiting on us when we got back from our hike!


and here is the chef serving our delectable Cajun Shrimp Pasta dish, which you can whip up in a jiffy, too, if you so desire!


we do, indeed exist and it may not be shots or in the hot tub, but we all had glasses in our hands, Mendacious, per your request! Except Pen is drinking milk. Ha! No, it’s some of Andria’s incredible Pina Coladas! Something to help temper our drinking pace – brain freeze will make you drink a little slower.

m. "No, I’m not lucky, I’m just an alcoholic.” – Tempe discussing her lack of a hangover.

n. “I look like I’ve never been sexy in my life.” – Niki lamenting a picture in which she was attempting to look sultry.

o. Brought a cloth grocery bag (multiple answers!) – all of us, hooray! Aren’t we with it?!

p. Did morning yoga in the kitchen – more of Niki’s hippie shit.

q. Went for a 3-mile hike off the Blue Ridge Parkway (multiple answers!) – All but Tempe, who was back at the cabin cooking our wonderful meal from letter l above.

our fearless leader. . .

cheerleader, that is!

we were hiking to a waterfall and thought we’d found it!

hmm, perhaps a little small.

oh, here’s the real waterfall.

Niki had to climb and play around on the rocks.

r. Peed in the woods – who’s the hippie? again, no pictures allowed. (Dude. I REALLY had to go! It was the woods or my pants. - N)


s. “G as in G-G-G-Good God.” – cup size!

t. “Is this Dead Animalville?” – Tempe remarking on all of the stuffed animals hanging in the cabin.

u. “This hole is not natural.” – Niki commenting on a rock that had a perfectly round hole drilled through it. Clearly, she is the winner of the Most Quotable Humor for the Captain’s Log.

v. “We need to do an ass montage.” – After Andria complained about how many pictures of her ass had been taken throughout the day.

w. “You hit puberty 20 years too late.” – Niki to Tempe on her expanded chest size.

x. “I was trashy.” – Niki, who would like to emphasize the past tense (This is SO out of context it takes too long to explain - N).

y. On having babies: “Knock me over the head and cut it out like a tumor.” - Tempe

z. "If that goes on the blog, I quit" – I was tempted to post the picture, because I still think it’s super cute, but. . .I don’t want to lose Niki over it.

Here are just a few others. . .


FIERCE!

From the Captain’s Log 11:00 PM

We're keeping a little notebook Captain's Log of what's going down here at the cabin. Can you guess which barmaid said or did the following things?

a. got a hickey from the hot tub

b. threw up

c. "Mine are pancake-ish. Just wait until I take my bra off, it's true."

d. "These mother f*ing shoes are BAD ASS!"

e. "You and your f*ing hippie ideas"

f. “The darker the chocolate, the worser it is.”

g. "I've known her since sixth grade, it's statistically impossible to NOT have seen her boobs."

h. “My Zen is on the bottom of this bottle of wine”

i. drank wine from an (emptied) beer bottle

j. woke up with a hanover (multiple answers!)

k. is taking home the recyclables in a Costco bag

l. cooked us dinner

m. "No, I’m not lucky, I’m just an alcoholic.”

n. “I look like I’ve never been sexy in my life.”

o. brought a cloth grocery bag (multiple answers!)

p. did morning yoga in the kitchen

q. went for a 3-mile hike off the Blue Ridge Parkway (multiple answers!)

r. peed in the woods

s. “G as in G-G-G-Good God.”

t. “Is this Dead Animalville?”

u. “This hole is not natural.”

v. “We need to do an ass montage.”

w. “You hit puberty 20 years too late.”

x. “I was trashy.”

y. On having babies: “Knock me over the head and cut it out like a tumor.”

z. "If that goes on the blog, I quit"

We have officially escaped 8:21 PM

We're here, kids! The Smartini girls have descended upon our cabin in the mountains and commenced drinking.

Ok, actually it's just me that has gotten this party started. But that's alright. I hear that Tempe (who is on her way) is coming loaded with 3 bottles of vodka and 6 bottles of wine. There is debate as to whether Tempe actually had to stop at a liquor store or just pulled those 9 bottles from her personal collection. My money is on the personal collection. (Hey, we didn't make this website a bar for no reason!)

The good news is that a) we will have a TON of liquor, beer and wine and b) there is a very hot hot tub outside that is calling our name.

The bad news is that I forgot the Scrabble board. DAMMIT!

As soon as someone with a much newer computer gets here, we will post photos of cabin o' debauchery and make you oh-so jealous. Wait, what? You are tired of hearing about our retreat and weekend getaway? That's not possible, especially when I tell you that we will be playing drinking games and participating in some intoxicated posting. Just a FYI....

Do you have any requests of us? A group photo to prove that we all exist? A post about the knock down drag out game of foosball? Or a bathing suit shot from the hot tub? Let us know!

As Pen remembers it 12:26 AM

Once upon a time, there were 5 peachy-keen ladies who were headed to the Grand Canyon for a getaway. They attended a wine festival and ate their weight in Cotton Candy. When they returned to their pasty rental cabin, they kicked hastily, ate more rice krispie treats and banana pancakes and took a dip in the hot tub under the clear starry sky. There were highly competitive games of Bingo and Rummy played. After listening to Simon & Garfunkel on repeat and consuming 52 rounds of Appletinis they passed out for the night. Then, they woke up and repeated for 3 more days! But, no worries, they didn't leave their sticky readers high and dry; posting antics, even pictures? from the journey and are sure to have renewed attention to the bar upon their return.

Through Niki's haze 12:18 AM

Once upon a time, there were 5 fluffy ladies who were headed to rock bottom for a getaway. They attended a wine festival and ate their weight in Dippin Dots. When they returned to their high rental cabin, they swam nonchalantly, ate more falafel and marshmallows and took a dip in the hot tub under the clear starry sky. There were highly competitive games of flip cup and Red Rover played. After listening to Carly Simon on repeat and consuming 24 rounds of wine spritzers they passed out for the night. Then, they woke up and repeated for 3 more days! But, no worries, they didn't leave their feisty readers high and dry; posting antics, even pictures? from the journey and are sure to have renewed attention to the bar upon their return.

Tempe's Hangover Account. . . 6:46 AM

Once upon a time, there were 5 drunk ladies who were headed to Dubai for a getaway. They attended a wine festival and ate their weight in corndogs. When they returned to their slow rental cabin, they popped quickly, ate more popcorn and chocolate and took a dip in the hot tub under the clear starry sky. There were highly competitive games of Monopoly and Strip Poker played. After listening to The Beatles on repeat and consuming 13 rounds of Dirty Martinis they passed out for the night. Then, they woke up and repeated for 3 more days! But, no worries, they didn't leave their large readers high and dry; posting antics, even pictures? from the journey and are sure to have renewed attention to the bar upon their return.

Product Placement 11:19 PM

Because I still have two days to do my taxes, I wanted to put some good karma out in the world (sort of a karma offset in light of recent bad karma I have been giving off), and this seemed the best way to do it.

Last week I had one of those mornings. You know. Where you hate everything in your closet, your makeup bores you, and even your shampoo is depressing you. I can't afford new clothes, don't really understand makeup, and find it difficult to find decent sulfate-free shampoo, so I decided to jazz up my life with a little jewelry. 

Ordinarily the most you'll get from me is one of four of my signature glass rings that I bought from the same street artist in Charlottesville. I love, love, love her and she is probably the single most awesome thing I miss about that city. Yes. Even more than falafel salads from Sticks which I miss dearly like every day at lunchtime. I digress.  Every so often I wear a necklace, but that generally corresponds with impending jury trials and even then there is no guarantee.  For whatever reason, I just flat out quit wearing earrings. Have no idea why.

Bottom line: I'm not a jewelry girl. More importantly: The jewelry I do like must be unique. Not a fan of traditional diamonds/pearls/rubies/etc. I like funky stuff that is also quality and not just bohemian. Yeah, I know. Picky.

I decided I needed to start wearing earrings and trotted over to Etsy, a site I'd been wanting to try for awhile (I think one of the barmaids even mentioned it on the blog once upon a time).  Spent the entire morning shopping online instead of doing work. Awesome. Ultimately, I bought three pair. 

THE POINT OF THIS ENTIRE STUPID BLOG POST: Today I received two out of three of the earrings and not only are they even more beautiful in person, but both of the artists sent me a free gift!! I Know. So you see, I just had to give them mad props here on the blog in case any of you are in the market for some Etsy jewelry (or you know, not in the market but could be persuaded).

Isle of Montserrat earrings from Lavender Moon Jewelry

The seller sent me a similar, more dangly pair in red. They are gorgeous as well, although not sure they are "me." May send them to my mother.

Satellite earrings from WANTZIT

This seller sent me a cute little red/pink pendant which I think will look sweet on a simple silver chain. Can't wait to wear that as well!

Why are you still reading this? Go buy some cool stuff from these and other artists on Etsy!

Curious about the other pair I bought?  Check these "Nice Girl Earrings - Loopy version" from Metalheart Design (and damn I wish I'd seen the "hammered version" before just now!).  Apparently each pair is custom made, so she will be sending these along in about a week. Overall, this is my favorite shop of the three, so if this transaction goes well, I'll most likely be purchasing from there again...like, as soon as I get paid in May!

As Ruby recalls. . . 11:12 AM

Once upon a time, there were 5 curly ladies who were headed to the mall for a getaway. They attended a wine festival and ate their weight in funnel cake! When they returned to their delicious rental cabin, they wrote thirstily, ate more cheese and bacon and took a dip in the hot tub under the clear starry sky. There were highly competitive games of Operation and Hide and Seek played. After listening to Chris LeDoux on repeat and consuming 627 rounds of Diet Coke they passed out for the night. Then, they woke up and repeated for 3 more days! But, no worries, they didn't leave their wet readers high and dry; posting antics, even perhaps against better judgement pictures from the journey and are sure to have renewed attention to the bar upon their return.

We've gone Mad 8:49 PM

Libs, that it.


It's Retreat Week! Woot. We are super excited and want you to be, too. Stay tuned all week for silly entries to The Retreat Story.

Friday thoughts 12:12 AM

12:12 AM Andria - cutting the cord on the computer to watch Tivo.

12:24 AM Niki - also shutting down, esp since Andria abandoned me at Lexulous ;), going to sleep, second-guessing that Cheerios midnight snack. (Wow. Even my snacks are boring today. Must improve tomorrow.)

8:26 AM Tempe - At parents' house in Georgia, sipping coffee and easing into the day. It's great to be home.

Thursday Tweets (or Twits, whichever) 6:43 PM

6:41 PM Niki - Just finished walking the dog. Now trying to decide whether to run on treadmill at the gym or do yoga at home. Ah, the difficult life of a Singleton with a three-day weekend ahead of her.

7:15 PM Andria - wine.

7:18 PM Andria marvles at the uncanny timing Little Man decides he is "all done" eating is the precise moment my tush hits the chair to eat myself.

8:07 PM Pen - whine. Oh, and wine.

Wednesday What We're Doing 7:49 PM

7:48 PM Niki - Cooking! Curried red lentils and carrots...first time and I'm making it up from two different recipes. We'll see how it goes. Good thing I've snacked (heavily) on pretzels already. Oh, and about 200 dark chocolate covered almonds throughout the day : )

8:27 PM Niki - Playing with this dog while my food cooks (made you guys a video, blogger won't upload it):


8:35 PM Niki - Hmm. Lentils are good, but missing something. Have no idea what. Will let them simmer while I shower, then park it on the couch for LOST...and it *better* not be a rerun.

9:49 PM Pen - Blogging. Ha ha ha ha ha!

9:50 PM Pen - Seriously... about to watch some TV with J.Lo. Possibly Life. Regret that the Ben episode of Lost was not properly DVR'd because of ANTM, which was a RECAP. Did not receive memo.

What we're doing, Tueday style: (updated continuously) 6:00 AM

6:00 AM: Ruby - You know my rear is still in bed. I totally scheduled this in advance.

6:15 AM: Ruby - I will probably still be in bed.

6:30 AM: Ruby - Yep.

7:25 AM: Andria is trying to ignore the "maaaaaama! Daddy!" coming from down the hall.

7:30 AM: Andria, in a sleep induced state is trying to recall the phone number for day care. If he's going to be up, maybe they can go to school today for a couple of hours. I have an appointment this morning anyway.

7:32 AM: Andria damn, can't remember, must go downstairs and get phone. Grab Little Man and carry him with me, laying angelic-like on my shoulder. I know it's a rouse.

7:35 AM: Andria double damn, teacher out, no room at daycare for drop ins.

7:38 AM: Andria watches from bed as Little Man comes out of the bathroom. . with toilet paper, that's still attached to the wall, so leaving a long trail.

7:42 AM: Andria observes as Little Man grabs a cup of water from the counter and precariously brings it to me. Miracuosly manages not to spill it.

7:47 AM: Andria gives up the fight/hope and turns off the white noise of the floor fan.

7:50 AM: Andria rolls the toilet paper back up haphazardly on the roll.

8ish: Andria is highly disturbed she just used the toothbrush she had set aside for cleaning due to suspicion of tampering from Little Man. And more upset she didn't just toss it to begin with; exactly what kind of cleaning would have been done, foolish one?

8:07 AM: Andria bumps up the heat downstairs and turns on the computer, leaving Little Man to torture sleepy dogs and entertain himself.

9:00 AM: Andria is off to wake up Sleeping Beauty.

9:16 am: Ruby - I can't figure out how my clothes go into the dryer smelling all Gain-ish and come out smelling like nothing. I want my Gain smell, dammit!

9:31 am: Tempe - Wondering if Ruby's tried this: http://www.ilovegain.com/dryer_sheets.do
Gain has dryer sheets too! Surely that will give you that "Gain Smell." :)

9:34 AM: Andria - that Tempe is one smart gal. And I was going to suggest that sometimes, you don't notice your own smell, because you are so used to it, but others may still pick up the Gain smell from you - it's just a little more subtle coming out of the dryer than the wash?

9:48 am - Tempe - Wondering if I'm missing something. I use Tide. Hmm... Okay, must get back to work now. Focus, focus.

11:03 am Ruby - Happy Birthday Miss Thystle! You make the world a sweeter place by showing us your lovely rack.

11:08 PM Andria discovered a regular roll of Charmin Ultra Strong fits perfectly in the hole of the potty seat thanks to an experiment conducted this morning by Wyatt.

12:00 PM Andria Dippin Dots are falling from the sky! Tiny little snow pellets are hitting the deck and bouncing around! Can't decide if it's snow, rain or hail.

12:24 pm Tempe - just walked into office bathroom to see old lady receptionist in stall WITHOUT the door shut. Explanation: "I feel couped up in there, so I don't shut the door when I'm the only one in the bathroom." Seriously?! And ps, I didn't ask why you've decided to let everyone watch you pee.

1:20 PM Andria managed to turn a $15 deal on pictures into spending $100.

2:36 pm Ruby - Looking for a good pizza sauce recipe.

5:17 PM Andria wonders if it's ok to repeat yourself in different circles: FB, Twitter, Blogosphere. There are some friends that overlap, but there are also others that would miss your brilliance, right?

6:37 PM Andria instead of feeling good about my reusable bag purchase at Publix, feels kind of guilty that it took a "pretty" Earth Day version to prompt me to do so!

11:54 PM Andria is tired of talking to herself, especially in the third person. Maybe ya'll will catch a break and not get updates from me tomorrow.

Andria: 1:01 AM

is the clear winner (loser?) who stays home and sits in front of her computer all day and night.

Andria: 10:05 PM

tending to laundry.

Andria: 6:24 PM

run: done!

bathtimes: being administered by Daddy!

shower and then. . .back into PJs?!

Andria: 5:13 PM

just witnessed the moment she knew was coming: wild splattering of tiny pegs. *sigh. didn't take long, did it?

Andria: 5:11 PM

kids, CFA and Wendy's tried to kill my computer (with game CDs in the kids meal!) and then carelessly moved on to the Lite Brite and millions of tiny pieces when the computer (and mom's beating heart) stopped working.

tempe 4:53 PM

T-minus five days until $1.50 pimento cheese sandwiches and Amen Corner. Finding it impossible to concentrate.

Andria: 4:16 PM

is still in PJs!

pen: 1:21 PM

twenty dollars: found

gym: joined

shoe purchase: resisted

Andria: 1:03 PM

made it to nap times!

Andria: 11:47 AM

Tuna Melts and yellow rice casserole for lunch.

Andria: 10:42 AM

is Toy Story 2, again! Movies: the best free babysitter.

Andria 10:27 AM

is wondering: do I have a hangover? the shrill laughter and screaming seems to be making my skin crawl more than normal.

tempe: 10:26 AM

Screening phone calls; wishing I had that 2nd cup of coffee.

Andria 10:19 AM

whew! finally reconnected to Internet brilliance after rebooting all possible hardware.

pen: 8:20 AM

rediscovering to-do lists.

Twitterpated 10:20 PM

This week at the bar, in Twitter/Facebook status fashion, we will be answering the simple question:

What are you doing?

please feel free to join us with your own updates in the comments throughout the day/week!

It's Friday: LET'S YELL 6:00 AM

Question #5 for the big Week O' Asking All Kinds of Things We Shouldn't:

Feeling kind of ornery for a Friday? Perfect! We are rounding out the week-long questionnaire session by asking you to get something off your chest:


Tell us, who or what needs to Get Over It?


Need some help getting your ornery engine running? Allow me.

To my mother in-law - Your son likes my cooking better than yours. GET OVER IT.

- or -

To the economy - You suck. GET OVER IT.

(This beautiful little gem of an idea is stolen directly from my favorite morning show on radio Kidd Kraddick.)

It's Thursday: Let's talk cosmetics 6:00 AM

Question #4 for the big Week O' Asking All Kinds of Things We Shouldn't:

Short and sweet:

Tell us, would you go for a little nip/tuck action if the circumstances were right? And you know we want to know on which part or piece you're talking about!

It's Hump Day: Let's celebrate the fool in us 6:00 AM

Question #3 for the big Week O' Asking All Kinds of Things We Shouldn't:

I guess technically yesterday's question should have been today's, but whatever. I can't be bothered to think of these things in advance. Actually, something else I didn't think of in advance is that since today is April Fool's Day, yesterday's question (and possibly made-up answers) should have been today's. Again, I don't plan well.

In honor of a day that's all about lying:

Tell us, what was the biggest lie you have ever told? (And more importantly, did you get caught? Please describe the whole situation in minute detail for our prying minds.)

Oh, and feel free to lie to us. That's what today is all about!