Sliding Doors: Chicago 9:30 AM

For a year between undergrad and grad schools, I ventured to Chicago. It’s where I met M, and though we should have hung out more while living there, we totally did not. In fact, I didn’t do a whole lot while I was in Chicago, other than stare out the big window that looked onto State Street and maybe go to breakfast every now and then. Granted, sometimes that breakfast was at midnight, but still. I wish I had done more, a lot more. I was in a long-distance relationship with, let’s be honest, a Tool. He had a giant leash around my neck that extended across several states, and dumb, early twenty-something me failed to get out the scissors (hacksaw? what?) and cut that shit loose.

But. I wonder, had I made a series of different choices then, where would it have led my life? I could be looking at a very different set of circumstances than what I have now, which are: a husband, two kids, two dogs and a house--all in the very same state where the Tool resided. Happiness. My Chicago inaction led me here. Would more action have led me down a very different road? Or is it just fate that we end up where we do.

So what I’m proposing for the movie of my life is Sliding Doors: Chicago. Pretty easy set-up, what with the El Train and all.

Casting

• Penelope: Keri Russell (Felicity, The Waitress), just because I love her so darn much. She can do quiet and contemplative, but throw in the right amount of snark.
• The Tool: Bradley Cooper (Wedding Crashers), because he can totally play it well and we won’t be sad to see him go.
• M: Kate Winslet, who will keep her accent, not because M has a British accent, but because that’s funny.

Writer/Executive Producer

• JJ Abrams: I’m sending him back to his angsty roots, but the alternate plotline/fantasy element should speak to his current interests.

Soundtrack

• Whoever does Grey’s Anatomy will be in charge. 

Pitch

• Small-town girl moves to Chicago for an “art” program, let’s call it. Controlling Tool of a long-distance boyfriend keeps her on a metaphorical leash. She struggles with decision to stay with him or cut him loose. Mulls her future(s) while riding the El Train, one days steps off the train and into a different reality. the world where she’s free and on her own. Plot then follows two threads (easily distinguished by our star’s amazing new hair style, which she will obviously have to get after breaking up with the Tool). Thread A, she keeps on doing what she’s doing, stuck inside and whiling away her days with Oprah and online grocery orders. Thread B, she gets out there into the big city and lives a little. BFF M remains steadily by her side regardless of life course, prodding her to open up and figure out what she really wants. Which will be…? Where is our character’s heart, regardless of the love in her life: in the big city, or back in the small town?

Red The Musical 12:02 AM

Even though I've been dying my hair for years, I still don't really think of myself as a red head. But, I would most definitely pick one to play me in a movie about my life. I love Julianne Moore and think she's classy and fun and beautiful and sexy and sweet: me in a nutshell, right? It's a little strange to choose someone older, but maybe by the time I'm older, I'll have something worth making a movie about? I lead a fairly basic life. I love it, but I'm not sure anyone else would want to watch it. So, it'd have to be a musical in order to make it fun and remotely entertaining. Similar to Newsies, Chicago, Moulin Rouge, Mama Mia. I love these movies and do frequently break out into song and dance, so I think it's totally fitting.
And I'd have to say, my love interest would most definitely be played by one Tom Welling (bet you didn't see that one coming at all, huh?)
Further, I'd want it to be sharp, witty, well written, with definite drama (ala emotional growth, not OC or Real Housewives); overall a romantic drama (rather than the painful physical or awkward comedy type, just moments of laughter to alleviate the pain - not that I, thankfully, have a lot of dark pain, but that's the kind of movie I respond to at least). Maybe even written in Iambic Pentameter?
The soundtrack would be rocking and soulful and eclectic to really encapsulate me and my idiosyncrasies.
Oh, and whatever the scheduled opening weekend is - plan to attend the next weekend, because I'm always late.

Two Thumbs Up 9:43 PM

Taraji Henson

Love the dress, love the hair, love the necklace, but most of all love how happy she looks. And is that a red purse? Hot. Your movie sucked (Benjamin Button - don't waste those hours), but you made a great Academy Awards debut Taraji!

Viola Davis

Beyonce's mom would've made this dress look like a hooker, but you pull it off with class.  Just enough sparkle to be interesting, but not enough to be tacky. On any other person, I might not like it.  I have no idea who you are, but I am insanely jealous of your curly locks and your cleavage. Fierce! 

Anne Hathaway

At first I was not a big fan, but then she completely won me over somehow.  She looks like the embodiment of old-school Hollywood glamourous.  I think I may be developing a slight girl-crush on Ms. Hathaway.

Just because I love it so much, Freida Pinto bears repeating:

Some critics are saying this is an "old" look, as in she's dressing for the 75 and up age bracket.  But I would disagree saying that her dress is a combo of modern Hollywood and traditional Indian saris. The asymmetrical neckline is awesome, the color rocks my world, and even the arm lace that didn't work for Sophia Loren adds a touch of elegance.  This dress would look beyond ridiculous if I tried to wear it, but she completely pulls it off.

For Friday I think I'm focusing on the hot (and not-so-hot) gentlemen, because who doesn't love eye candy at the end of the week?  That means that I wasn't able to get around to writing and posting about as many of the women as I'd hoped.  So I now open the comments as a free-for-all discussion on any atrocious or gorgeous lady I may have missed!  (i.e. Meryl Streep - classy but boring color? Reese Witherspoon - I cannot decide b/c blue and black combo was great, but WTF was up with the pattern? Vanessa Hudgens - why was she there?)

A Trilogy (because I'm very important and my life is that exciting) 11:21 PM

I've thought about this way too much. I know. I'm also aware that Ruby will not go anywhere near these movies. Probably a wise decision; the rest of you should follow suit and not even read the rest of this post - just skip down to the Oscar fashion redux. 

I couldn't decide, so I cheated and made a trilogy when the best thing would've been to combine into one movie, taking dramatic license when necessary. Not that I'm overthinking this whole project or anything, or pretending that one day I might actually write a screenplay. . . .  (I told ya'll I was a movie nerd.)

3L
Girl: Kristen Bell (Veronica, Veronica Mars) (I tossed around a hundred different actresses and finally went with her because Veronica is very much like me, plus Kristen is an animal-loving vegetarian)
Home Boy: Jake Gyllenhaal (needs no introduction)
Away Boy: Ed Westwick (Chuck Bass, Gossip Girl)
Sidekick of Girl: Keiko Agena (Lane, Gilmore Girls)
Director: Cameron Crowe (Jerry Maguire, Almost Famous)
Genre: Jerry Maguire meets Almost Famous with a cameo by a kangaroo
Story: Girl leaves Home Boy for studying final year of law school in Australia.  Girl meets Away Boy.  Love triangle ensues.  Meanwhile Girl explores Australia, discovers much about the world, human rights, and herself. Eventually Girl must return to reality, but which boy will she choose?

The Bar
Girl: Kristen Bell
New Boy: Milo Ventimiglia (Jess, Gilmore Girls; Peter, Heroes)
Roommate: Herself
Director: Sofia Coppola (Lost in Translation, Marie Antoinette, The Virgin Suicides)
Genre: Leaving Las Vegas meets Remember the Titans
Story: Movie opens with Girl and Boy "Winner" from 3L breaking up a mere two months before the Bar Exam.  Girl meets New Boy, charming, cute, alcoholic distraction.  Downward spiral of debauchery, depression, and alcohol consumption (with Coppola's characteristic lingering, silent shots) followed by 4am wake-up call and 1 week cram session right before the Bar.  Will she be able to conquer not just the Bar but life after Boy "Winner?"  And what about New Boy?

The Trial
Girl: Kristen Bell
Fabricated Love Interest for Purposes of the Movie: Rafael Nadal (What? He can totally act. Besides, we just need him for the bedroom scenes anyway, not integral to the plot.)
Friend/Colleague: Audra McDonald (Naomi, Private Practice)
Director: Christopher Nolan (Memento, The Prestige, Batman Begins, The Dark Knight)
Genre: Courtroom drama, A Time to Kill with heavy dose of sarcasm and self-awareness at its absurdity
Story: The natural ending of our saga, the real story - Girl begins job as criminal defense attorney. She knows the law, but has no idea what the hell she is doing.  Six months into the job she is forced to jury trial waaayy before she's ready. The trial is a simple misdemeanor stemming from an adulterous wife and custody battle.  The maximum punishment is probation, but for Girl it may as well be capital murder.  Who will win? Will justice prevail?

WTF Wednesday, Oscar edition. 9:59 PM

Miley Cyrus

 In case you can't tell, that's a seashell dress.  Yeah, a seashell dress.  It looks like the same person who decorates beach condos the world over threw up in dress form. Also, check out the back. Ugh. Hate it. Hate it. Hate the dress.  I will be nice, however, and say that Miley looks lovely excluding the dress. Actually, if the dress were not f-ing seashells, I could probably get behind it because the cut flatters her very well.  Ruby also pointed out her age-appropriate cleavage, and she looks positively giddy to be there. I just can.not.condone.seashells.  Oh, and why are you even at the Academy Awards??

Beyonce

Dear Beyonce, your mother is not a fashion designer. I think she has it out for you because everytime she designs you a dress for a fancy occasion you look pretty awful. In this particular number, she has outfitted you in a drape from Ozzy and Sharon's house. Sorry. Truth hurts sometimes. Love, Niki

Sophia Loren

The real tragedy is her makeup. She may be Hollywood royalty, but she was probably the biggest hot mess of the evening.  And that is saying a lot considering Tilda Swinton was there.

Speaking of Tilda Swinton

 Tilda, honey, in the United States of America you are allowed to show some skin. Even the Amish wear more flattering and risque clothes than this atrocity. I get your weird schtick, and I respect it, but you could at least dress like Bjork instead of a potato sack.  Are you even wearing a bra?

WTF, er, Wednesday...? 12:04 PM

Yes, I know I haven't done the WS yet. (Sorry, Niki.) And, I'm aware that's it's not Friday yet, so this WTF is a little early.

But I Just. Can't. Stand. It. This needs to be posted, stat:

Is anyone else as bothered by Pink's getup as I am? I mean, COME ON. Her "pirate" costume (that IS what it's supposed to be, right?) looks like it was designed the Queen of Hearts of Disney's Alice In Wonderland fame.

So, I ask: Separated at birth? Hmmm:

3 Good Ideas, 3 Iffy Executions 9:14 PM

Each of these women, I think, started out with a good idea.  Then, somewhere along the way, it went a little awry and just didn't quite materialize on the red carpet. One of the three ladies featured in today's post actually made my "best dressed" list. However, I've gleaned from the comments that some of you were not as pleased as I about her overall look.  And, if I'm being honest with myself, I also took issue with a couple of aspects of her outfit. 

So let's get to it. Kate Winslet.

Overall, I really like the dress. It's interesting but also minimal, and I'm almost always a fan of one-shoulder tops.  (I *may* have worn such dress to my high school graduation. Completely inappropriate, since it was a curve-hugging minidress, but damn it I was staking my independence from the oppressive high school regime. I digress.) Then again. . .the one shoulder here is a little awkward. It is sort of abrupt and angular, and not really fitting the flowy mood of the rest of the dress.  And the armpit of it is weird; I feel like it should be cut more narrow or something. I don't know the lingo, I don't sew.

Then we have the hair:

I actually really like her hair. It's very old Hollywood glam, and I think it fits the dress. The hair + makeup + only earrings = simplistic beauty to me.  However, now that the Lego-ness of it has been called to my attention by Sheila, I can't stop thinking about it.  So thanks for that, Sheila : )

At the end of the day, I still think she was one of the most gorgeous ladies of the evening; her sheer delight at winning was contagious.  But I also have to agree with Kate's 8-year-old daughter - a different color might have been a knock out.

Marisa Tomei

This dress is getting all kinds of mixed reviews.  The Fug Girls do a much better/funnier job of dissecting it than I could ever attempt to do, so you should totally check out their analysis.  They aptly point out the folded-napkin-ness of it all.  I mean yes, complete admirable attention to detail.  No one can deny the workmanship that went into this garment.  But really? Her one-strappy thing is also a little defunct and the train is too much. Yet, I can't say I don't like it. Sort of like with Kate, I feel like it fell just short of being phenomenal, and landed flat on its face (just like I did while running with the dog on Saturday).

She also has some hair problems. (You can see more hair views if you click the link on her name.) I can't get a good grasp of whether she has her hair tied back or not. It appears as though some of it is in a side ponytail, some of it not.  But if you take a step back from all that, it doesn't really look all that bad. It's sort of wispy and romantic.  I just don't know about this one. I just don't know.

Amy Adams

From most of the accounts I've read, she is getting totally trashed for this choice. I mean, it's not the best. dress. ever., but is it really that awful? Ok, maybe.  It's hard for me to be hard on this dress because in theory, I just love it. Red = good, interesting cut = good, black detailing = good.  It just all comes together sort of disastrously. 

Let's focus on the positives first. Her hair is simple but dress-appropriate.  Make-up looks great. Necklace kicks ass. Ok, ok. I know that one is going to be a divisive opinion, but I'm sticking to it. Love the chunky, gaudy, pebbly look of the necklace.  Does it go with the dress. . .I'm not sure yet.

The problems are so many, I don't even know where to start. The bodice is almost Moulin Rouge-y. In a bad way. If you don't believe me, check out this picture of the back. Ugh. It just hugs her all kinds of wrong and the complete fabric mismatch is abundantly apparent.  Then there's this picture of the front which makes it look all lumpy and bunchy and WTF?

Why doesn't this dress work?! I want to like, and I do sort of like it, but I don't know. It's not wowing me the way it should.  Maybe this time the black detailing should've been skipped? Without it the dress would be so blah. . .but I think the black lines contribute to the confusion.

It's all too much. I need some wine. I leave it to you, readers, to help me out on this one.

Who Wore it Better? 9:45 PM

As promised, Day 1 of Oscar Fashion coverage. Trust me. I've got lots to say on this topic, and an entire week may not be enough time to do so.

The bad news is that the good pictures won't let me save them as pictures, which sort of destroys the post I've been composing in my head all day of a side-by-side comparison. Luckily, you readers are an internet savvy bunch, and I trust you can follow the linkage to the golden egg.

Without further ado:

Penelope Cruz v. Sarah Jessica Parker
For real ladies. Is this the battle of the Barbie Princess Dresses or Oscar night? I give the edge to Penelope for a couple of reasons. 1) When she accepted her award I noticed the beautiful embroidery on the bodice. 2) SJP's skirt is just too. much. tulle. and it makes me itchy just thinking about it. I do like the color of SJP's dress, which can't be seen in every photo, and her hair is nice. Still, way too Barbie Princess for me.

Natalie Portman v. Alicia Keys
Both ladies very lovely in pastel-y pink and purple. Both ladies with flowy skirts and nifty corset-esque bodices. I'm really digging Alicia's slit, but her makeup is pretty damn fug. On the other hand, something I can't quite place my finger on that I don't love about the intersection of skirt and top on Portman's dress. Nonetheless, her face is flawless, so she has the slight edge in my book (also, a different view of the color and angle - she's pretty hot).

Heidi Klum v. Amanda Seyfried
Clearly Amanda Seyfried, aka Lily from Veronica Mars and also the daughter from Mamma Mia!, is out of her league in this competition. Still, both women are a hot mess. Essentially they are competing to see whether a giant ugly bow looks best on the front or the back of a red satin gown. Um, neither. For serious. This is first time I have seen Heidi Klum not look amazing; the woman can normally make a potato sack look hot. Alas, not even the most beautiful woman in the world can make a big butt bow look good. (Heidi - do not let those Germans tell you that you're fat - eat a sandwich, honey! Your shoulders are pointy!)

Angelina Jolie v. Jennifer Aniston
Ok, so their looks were almost polar opposites, but it was their first face-to-face and the entire world was watching to see what would go down. Aniston is the clear winner in my book because I feel like Angie has worn this same dress 7 different times. While I'm not in love with Aniston's dress, it's sparkly and her hair is freakin' gorgeous. She looks like she's having fun. Angie looks like she is mother superior looking down on all the common actor folk. I do love her earrings and ring though, so I will give her points for that.

Take out a loan, you're going to the movies 8:28 PM

My life as a movie. Are y'all really going to plunk down $9 to watch it? If you do, be sure to get extra butter on your popcorn and big ol' Diet Coke. Because that's standard protocol when I'm at the theater. Not that I go to the movies all that often, so when I do, it's EXTRA BUTTER for this girl.

Perhaps one of the reasons I don't go to the movies very often is the simple fact that I am not that into them. At all, really. I will normally go see chick flicks or comedies if I go at all, never any horror or major dramas. I wonder what that says about me? Hmm. In addition to the litany of psychological disorders that I surely suffer from, basically I'm just not a movie girl.

So back to my life as a movie. If I would want to go see the damn thing myself, it's got to be a comedy. Maybe a particular event in my life would lend itself to comedy rather than a huge expanse of time? Like college, let's say. Or moving to Kansas with my very new husband. Or becoming a mother. I'd like to think of it as Old School meets Wedding Crashers meets Knocked Up. Oh, and Steel Magnolias. Can I throw some Steel Magnolias in there? Because everyone would have terribly delicious Southern accents. As such, I will demand that none other than Julia Roberts plays me. Not that I look anything like her, mind you. But the girl is from Georgia! And pretty! And she could totally do the accent, Just Like She Did in Steel Magnolias. See where I'm coming from here?

I have no idea what my movie will be called, who else will be in it or any of that other mess. Why? Because I don't know enough about movies to know what to demand! Oh, except that I really like the Coen brothers. And Randy Newman songs. Does that count?

WAIT!

I'm forgetting a fantastic option here! Who will play my husband in this Southern comedy?! Just for kicks, I'm going to say George Clooney, purely for the reason that I recently came across Ocean's Eleven (which he starred with Julia Roberts) and O Brother Where Art Thou? (which is from the Coen brothers and I LOVE). My husband would probably prefer I go with someone a little more ranchy, like Tom Selleck, but I don't care. George can learn to ride a horse for the part. Did y'all know Tom did westerns after his Magnum PI days?

But that's neither here nor there.

The real question here is Will you get extra butter?

Movie Madness 7:22 PM

We're about 45 minutes away from one of my favorite nights of the year: the Academy Awards. Most of the world thinks they're lame, and tries to find anything to do besides watch the epic production on television.  To each his own, but even the cynical among us here at Smartini can appreciate a movie star(let) and a good flick.

For this week's special we'll be pitching our own movie ideas, based on our own lives, of course! We will answer that age-old question, "Who would play you in a movie about your life?" among other interesting tidbits. 

And if that isn't enough to keep you stumbling to the bar every day, you have my solemn vow to discuss Good, the Bad, and the downright Fugly from Oscar night each and every weekday.

I'll be rooting for Slumdog Millionaire tonight, because it encompasses so much of what I love about movies, and I'm giving an early prediction that its starlet, Freida Pinto, has one of my favorite looks of the evening:

Time Suckage: A History 3:00 PM

In spite of being a pretty organized, on-top-of-it girl while not parenting, I’m especially prone to time suckage. When I was younger, it was all about reading, to the point where it would draw commentary: Don’t you do anything other than read? I wish that were the case, these days. Reading, at least, seems to have higher value on the Time Suckage Scale of Relativity. But it is now squeezed in before bed or, if I’m feeling especially ambitious, while eating breakfast or cooking dinner. Mostly, the latter is too much to coordinate, as the Three Foot and Under Crowd usually demands whatever tiny little shred of resources I have remaining at my disposal.

TV also used to be a giant time sucker. Before the DVR, I used a VCR daily, and the list of shows on my Addiction List were too long to recount. Now, I still watch shows, still an avid user and admirer of the DVR. But the backlog is currently atrocious; I have five eps each of Gossip Girl and Privileged, an appalling three of Grey’s Anatomy, and just today caught up on the last two of Top Chef.

So what is it that I’m actually doing? Andi hit the nail on the head with her post on Lost Time. The children and my pesky habit of tending to their needs absolutely cannot escape blame here. But it seems like there’s something else there to blame…

Ah yes, the Interweb. I fully maintain that the Interweb is necessary for my sanity, but honestly, I may need to join a help group to curb my addiction. I’m never without some all-important item to research, or window-shop for, or post to a blog/Facebook. And yet, it’s never enough, somehow. I am forever checking and writing emails, and yet I can still (easily) remain behind in correspondence. I’ve slacked off on blogging regularly for a good month or two now. And I still have yet to pin down the perfect new stand for our fish tank. There will forever be a list of the Unsaid, the Undone, when it comes to the Interweb.

And yet, maybe it’s just life. Maybe the biggest Time Sucker is really time itself. The clock, the calendar, they need to slow down. I would still like to petition for a 28-hour day. Maybe I can get that movement started—I just need to look up a few things online…

I'm Taking My Love to Town 9:22 PM

I have been pondering and thinking, thinking and pondering over what my new name will be. I swear, y'all are some creative kids, so I had a whole list of ideas to choose from!

Fellow barmaid Niki, who knows this girl oh-so-well, suggested Scarlett because of my love, love, love for Ms. O'Hara. And I was really tempted to go with that, but in the end I thought it might be too cheesy (for those who know of my love for GWTW) or too much like Scarlett Johansson (for those that don't). But what is a shade away from scarlet? Ruby!, which Niki suggested as well. Damn, that girl is so smart!

So I'm going with Ruby. Do you like? Yes?! I went with Ruby because yes, it's close to scarlet, but I used to live in Kansas and what says Kansas more than those dadgum ruby slippers?! AND Ruby (Sue) is a character in my favorite movie of all time. AND Kenny Rogers sings a song about Ruby, a terrible sex driven woman who leaves her wounded, dying veteran of a husband to go be easy in town. Wait, maybe that wasn't such a good choice...

Ruby Dont Take Your Love To Town - Kenny Rogers

But the main reason I went with Ruby is: I wanted a name that people may or may not believe is my real name. Or may or may not make people confuse me for a stripper. Although, Bj's suggestion of Genna Fagella would have taken care of that right away. Thanks, Bj, I know I can count on you in a stripper name crisis! :)

Thanks for the inputs, ladies! Now I have to figure out what prize I send to Niki... any suggestions on that?! (Given the tone of the rest of the comments from the Spin Cycle post, no suggestion of gifts from Pen's Amazon site, ok? Wait, maybe she would appreciate a special *package*? They were on super sale, now that I think of it...)

Lost Time 10:03 AM

Where does the time go?

I admitted to my most recent Time Suck last week. But, I've been losing time for years, so there must be other draining factors.

Before FB, there was my blogging addiction. And attached to that, is the long process of pictures: taking them, transferring them to the computer, editing, then uploading. Windows Live Writer does make the upload process much easier, but it's still a lot of time and effort when you are dealing with the large quantities I do.

But, really, I think it all comes down to: "Dealing" with the kids and dogs. Pen posted an article recently that really captured it;

"it's needing 45 minutes to do what takes others 15."

Ah, so true. The constant start and stop of the day with all of the interuptions and distractions and trying to concentrate while still listening out for when things might be escalating and you need to step in; when there might be an injury looming or crayon on the wall or as just demonstrated to me, hands in the unflushed toilet. The repetative nature of your day, constantly saying, "no" and "get off of your sister" "don't push your brother" "be nice" "don't hit" "SHARE!" "stay out of the water!" "get out of the kitchen!"[to the dogs during meals] "Maybe next time you want to do a flip off of the couch, you should move so you miss the coffee table and not smack your heels on it"

and the providing of food and love and encouragement and discipline and down time and stimulating, educational time and reading and coloring and playing and running and wiping wet paws and letting in and out and bundling up to go outside or thinking through the trip (even the shortest of trips just to run errands) and what you'll need before getting in the car. . .

Then, especially dealing with sleep issues really seems to drain any amount of "free" me time at night. I'm a night owl, so usually I'm up when issues start and haven't even gotten any sleep yet. When your kids normally sleep great and you aren't used to having issues, they tend to do even more damage (I think, because you are so unprepared).

So, yeah. That helps explain some of it, I suppose.

My Obsession, My Drug 7:44 PM

Damn you Pink is the New Blog for starting all this.

It was the summer of 2005.  I was a law clerk with about 7 other law students at the local legal aid center.  Because we weren't working cushy firm jobs we didn't have offices, fancy free lunches, or evening cruises and booze-a-thons. No.  We had the Boiler Room, a giant conference table for all of us, and internet access.

That's when Erin shared the new latest internet craze: PITNB.  Oh my goodness how it got me through those summer days and fueled many an important Boiler Room discussion (in addition to who had the stupidest client)! 

It was downhill after that.  Perez Hilton, Go Fug Yourself, the Superficial, Hollywood Tuna.  You name it, I've probably heard of it and more than likely have visited it a time or two.  Many a morning has been wasted both in law school and at work avoiding actual productivity in favor of consuming this garbage.

The problem is that I am well aware how terrible and shady the entire thing is.  Paparazzi make me sick to my stomach with their stalking and screaming; I loathe their very existence.  In support of this stance, I have never bought a sleazy tabloid in my life (save the occasional People magazine, but never Star!, OK!, or even US Weekly).

Yet every day, there I am, insatiably perusing the internets for the latest info.  This year I almost resolved to cut it out. . .it's just that I know that I can't. If I don't have this, then all I have is alcohol, food, and sex and since I'm in a long-distance relationship, I need the celebrity gossip, people.

So, I have my standards.  Dlisted by far has the most hilarious and witty commentary, but sometimes I don't even have enough attention to read it.  PITNB was my first, so I can't give it up even though the pink text on black background kills me to read. Ugh. Hate that.  Mainly I just scroll for pictures and headlines. Trent also does a good job of covering the widest variety of celebs. Perez is my drug of choice, even though I think he's a douchebag and only "reports" one side of a story.  And TMZ? Only if I'm truly, truly desperate for procrastination. Something about it just reeks of sleaze and I just can't go there.

On the plus side, I can have very intelligent conversations with 13-year-old girls about the Jonai, Miley, Taylor, et al as well as dish on the latest Oscar contenders with my more adult friends.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to see what crazy fight Lindsay and Samantha got into last night. Those two. I really hope they can keep it together ; )

Where the time goes if you're borderline nuts like me 3:59 PM

Do y'all ever wonder just what we girls are up to when we are not at the bar? I'm pretty sure it's not working... or tending to our families... or anything productive. No, I'm pretty sure that we girls are excellent at goofing off and engaging in all sorts of activities that suck our free time like no other.

Take me, for example. Until recently, the most huge void of time suckage came from (your friend and mine!) THE BLOG. Writing posts, reading posts, drinking wine, commenting, following links, reading more posts, drinking more wine, following more links, commenting and commenting on comments until my eyes fell out of my head and my children no longer knew my name. I would get lost in the land of blog for hours, daily. And when I say hours, I freaking mean HOURS. It was pure drunken insanity, I tell ya.

All of that time on the internets came to a screeching halt once I started school. I needed to find another void for my time, and look what just came waltzing in: The Evil Cube of Insanity. This thing ticks me off, y'all, and I am hell bent of beating it. In the early stages I swore off tips and tricks, determined that I should do it all by myself. Those were the early days. I'm not so proud now, my friends!

At this point, I am ready to be committed to a room with white walls. Maybe they'll even have white cubes for the crazy people? That would be nice, unlike this monster. That would be not so nice, and you would never see me again until I ended up solving the effing thing.

See below.

Until next time, America, I'll be twisting away, getting carpal tunnel in my thumbs while every ounce of free time I have is spent with that damn cube. (Shh, don't tell! I may or may not have spent time during one of my online classes with RC. It's an unhealthy obsession, I know. Don't judge.)

Bite Me: In Letters 10:30 AM

Dear PMS,

While I acknowledge your so-called “purpose” in nature, I otherwise loathe everything about you. I want to see YOU weepy, uncollected, and all kinds of unhinged. I would make you do yoga and meditate until you’re so centered you want to puke. Then I’d have you read Chicken Soup for the Soul books until your teeth itch from the sticky-sweet feel-goodness of it all. Then I’d plunk you down on the couch to watch something like Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, precisely until the point that your eyes bleed out, feeling so warm and fuzzy inside from the corporate-sponsored do-gooding and community togetherness the show inspires. To cap off, I’d submerge you into a hot bath to scald the tension and hostility straight from your soul. Lastly, a sweet cocktail of Xanax and wine. Smile until your face cracks apart.

Hope it feels REAL GOOD,

pen.

***

Dear Cold Season,

First, thanks so much for making one or more of my family sick from Christmas 2008 straight through to the present day. I really do appreciate your undivided attention particularly to my children and husband; it makes my job so much more enriching, fulfilling, 24/7. Special props for the coughing and discomfort you’ve provided at night, because my family operates fantastically well on interrupted, unsatisfying, and appallingly short bouts of sleep. It makes each of us glow from within the whole day through. Most of all, from the bottom of my heart, I’d like to say thank you for lingering so long with your festering, funky presence and ultimately taking your “skills” to the next level, with ear infections for my daughter and husband, a sinus infection for my baby, and asthmatic bronchitis for my husband. And keeping me *just* well enough that I’m left to be the caretaker, never the taken care of. From the bottom of my heart, bite me. I’ll be sending you the bill for the money, energy, AND sanity that was lost during this special time.

Hacking hugs and snotty kisses from all of us,

pen

***

Dear Potty Training the Strong-Willed, Over-Thinking Child,

After more than a year of you, I really have no more words. After we parted ways last month, I haven’t missed you for a single second, and even went so far as believing a third child, someday, might still be a good idea. And now, due to the aforementioned Offender B, Cold Season, the resulting ear infection and a treatment of antibiotics that are simply not kind to a little girl’s stomach, you’ve shown up on my doorstep once again, bags in hand. And you have the nerve to bring a friend?! Offender A, PMS?? It’s audacious, and it’s cold. I’m taking out a restraining order on your stalker ass, looking into vasectomies, and in the meantime, heaven help us all.

Long-sufferingly,

NOT your pal,

penelope

Suck It. 7:26 PM

* Stewart Parnell, aka owner of Peanut Corporation of America, aka the bastard (at least partially) responsible for The Salmonella I endured for approximately 10 days, The Salmonella which gave me stomach pains so sharp and intense that I almost went to the f-ing hospital, asshole, and which cost me $50 to have a doctor tell me to stick to the BRAT diet: Bananas, Rice, Applesauce, and Toast. Um. No thank you. I think he should have to eat his own salmonella infested peanut products for an entire year, think about how important money is over people's health. There. Are. No. Words. For jackasses like him.

* Inventors of voicemail, which apparently includes cheeseball Scott A. Jones, pictured below, who should have to check my voicemail for me every single day and type it out for me. I loathe voicemail. I am convinced that it was created to make secretaries' lives easier, and although I don't begrudge making secretaries' lives easier (I used to be one, as did my mother), just please write it the hell down. With paper messages I can take a quick glance and determine who needs to be called and the priority of calls. With voicemail, I've got to take 5-30 minutes, waiting on stupid electronic lady intermittently, write all that shit down myself, and then finally prioritize before I finally get to returning calls. I am busy people. I don't need this time suck when there is celebrity gossip to read and Facebooking to tend to. Text messaging is so much more efficient. That's what we need in offices! I'm convinced, the only good to come from voicemail is the drunk dial from friends. Priceless.

* Cats. Maybe not all cats, but especially the cats that have taken up residence underneath my freaking house. I don't have cats, mostly because I'm allergic, but also because I hate the smell of cat pee. Well, turns out when stray cats* live under your house, you get all the benefits of cat pee without the trouble of furry friends. Not. Awesome. I should unleash Masala on their asses.

* The news media. Seriously. I cannot read the news or watch it extensively. I do not understand people that keep CNN, MSNBC, Fox or some other 24/7 news network on all the time because that shit stresses. me. out. The print and television news media take whatever crappy issue is going on and rub your nose in it for weeks and months on end until I'm just like, "MERCY! Stop it already!" Generally I skim headlines and first paragraphs, then move on to celebrity gossip which doesn't leave me feeling hopeless and helpless and wanting to slit my wrists at the catastrophe of it all. These peeps should have to pay for my ever-increasing expensive dark chocolate addiction which has developed to ease the pain of our economic crisis, global warming, and Iran, of which I'm reminded every 1.7 nanoseconds. Also, for every 15 minutes of depressing crap on the news, we need a Jason Mraz, "I'm Yours" break to cheer everyone up.



I could go on, but really, you all have lives to lead and I need to go watch that video again while I drink more wine and eat ice cream.

*I have a theory from whence these pests came. My behind-the-alley neighbor was an elderly reclusive lady. I think she either died or moved to a nursing home because for the last few weekends people have been moving stuff out from her house. These cats probably were her cats (they are actually very pretty kitties) and those mofos just let them loose to terrorize me and my dog. Wonder how they would enjoy cat pee smell in their house?

Zap Bam Pow 1:03 AM

Surprisingly, I'm not feeling a lot of angst this week. Especially, in comparison to some of the sh*t the rest of you are going through! wow. Last week, when I was dealing with bedtime/sleep issues with my daughter, I was a lot more irate and entertaining. And drunk.

My main gripe is against this blasted new addiction of Facebook: Time Suck*. I can't even explain what I do. At least when I'm blogging, I have something to show for it at the end. On FB, I just have read up on a lot of people I was probably fine not knowing what they were eating or watching before, so why do I care enough to spend my time keeping up now?! I really wish it would just get sucked into the black hole of non-existence (to quote a high school English teacher) and give me back my lost time.

Also the scale and lingering, clinging fat on my body can wither painfully in a lighted barrel of kerosene (it burns hotter, right?)

My recurring migraines need to die a slow, painful, ice-pick stabbing death; much like they inflict on me monthly.

*so perhaps I should be a little upset at the push from "friends" to get into it, or at my own lack of will power to better manage my time, but. . .

Oh, this is easy. 3:24 PM

I hate to say this, but I've been waiting on the opportunity to blog about this for quite some time.

Let the airing of grievances begin.

1. January 2009. Yeah, y'all have heard this one before, but it bears mentioning again. January sucked. Big time. My godfather died; my grandmother, grandfather, and uncle were all diagnosed with cancer; we cancelled our trip to Mexico; I got the flu; the cat got diabetes. All in one month. Ergo, I'm happy to kick that crappy month right in the ass. Goodbye, January. And good riddance.

2. Pan sauces. Why can't I get them right? I either make it too salty (too much salt), too tart (too much lemon), or somehow, the sauce separates right before my eyes. Ticks me off.

3. People that ask me when my husband and I are going to have kids. This could be anyone from my mother-in-law to my dental hygienist. Luckily, there's a blanket answer for each person: It's none of your effing business. Period.

4. Lady GaGa. When I first heard "Just Dance," it annoyed the crap out of me. But then it got caught in my head. Thus began the love-hate relationship with said song and artist. Damn you, Lady GaGa.

5. The receptionist in my office. This one's tough, because she really does mean well. Seriously. But her learning curve...well, it's non-existent. She makes the same mistakes, over. and over. and over. Again. And again. You get the point. And, to make things more irritating, she gets nervous around me. Like I'm some mean, tough person that she should be scared of. And when she gets nervous, she makes mistakes. You see the pattern, right?

I feel much better, thankyouverymuch.

Feeling Motivated Already. To Do What? I Don't Know. 9:13 PM

An Airing of Grievances (Just Like Festivus!) 6:00 AM

We're feeling a bit rowdy this week as we start calling people out for grievances against us. This may include inanimate objects as well as general situations, but we don't care. We're equal opportunity ass kickers around here. So please excuse us, we may have to take this outside.

First on my list of wrongdoers is that no good, low down, cheap example of a generic brand, Laura Lynn. Ingle's supermarket, with their glossy floors and bright, inviting aisles, are letting me down severely with this travesty of product line. Along with my general malcontent is the GIGANTIC lightening of my wallet as a result of having no good alternative to name brand. I hate you, LL, and your super-sweet-to-cover-up-the-cardboard-like-tendencies raisin bran. And your zero flavor taco seasoning. I know! How about you go jump in a lake, Laura, and take your nasty oatmeal with you? (Kroger brand? Sweet, delicious Kroger brand? Where art thou?)

Oh sweet baby, the next item on my list is no something you can really get into a fist fight with (wait, like Laura Lynn is?), but I don't care. That multitude of teeth that have all decided to descend into my baby's top gum at the same time can bite it. There has been an undue amount of HELL unleashed upon me, my sweet, unsuspecting one year old, and the whole fam damily as a result of this invasion, and I've just about had it. These four (or is it five?) teeth have caused my alcohol consumption to shoot through the roof, and NOT IN A GOOD WAY.

And lastly. Lastly is the critter, of undetermined specie, that is living in my wall. Screw you, buddy. I don't know if you have monstrous gnawing teeth and jaws, or if I'm just sensationalizing the situation, but the chewing has got to stop. Especially at 12:30 in the A.M. when a girl is trying to sleep. I realize that while my arm flailing, bleary-eyed beating on the wall may have made you temporarily cease your efforts, you are by no means gone. And so I'd like to make this very unPETA statement to you: Cut that shit out and get out of my house or I'm going to start shooting randomly at the wall with my very handy rifle, loaded with my very handy rat shot, until I strike gold.

Wow. That's quite a release to spew forth venom like that! Give it a shot yourself in the comments. We've got plenty of alcohol to go around.

Caution: Bar is Hot 3:00 AM

In a particularly boring class in college, my friends and I would sit and scribble drawings of different situations we'd rather be in than the class we were having to endure. Highly amusing stick figures in front of buses or burning buildings entertained us and passed the time. This week at the bar, we're getting creative with the means in which we would inflict pain on those who have scorned us or just plain pissed us off. Grab a seat, but don't sit too close, the flames do singe.

Une petite fille 11:28 PM

Where can I order one of these? I don't think I want children, but if I can get one just like this, I'm in!  This was just too cute not to share. Hope you like.



Don't lie. You were very impressed with her ability to speak French at first, weren't you? She seems, like, uber-smart!
Once upon a time... from Capucha on Vimeo.

Pen’s Picks 9:00 AM

My fav commercials from this year’s Superbowl, the ones that actually pulled my attention away from my computer for a few moments (football bores me to tears) are:

MACGRUBER! This skit always entertains me on SNL, and extra points for an appearance by MacGyver AND the rockin’ mullets. I don’t even like Pepsi, but whatever. It’s fun.

Hulu: An evil plot to destroy the world. Pure genius.

Now, fav commercials for all time.

Staples: I see this song-and-dance routine in my future. I love the children’s grim little faces.

And then, well, I love a good parody. I don’t generally enjoy Kelly Ripa, but Tressant Supreme with traces of crack cocaine? Applause, applause, applause.

Don't Fastforward These! 6:43 AM

My favorite commercial? I have no idea.

What I do know is that I love all commercials with puppies. All of them.  Essentially, any commercial with a cute dog will make me happy.  But a cute dog and a Clydesdale?  Melts. My. Cold. Cynical. Heart.




I also used to love this commercial when I lived in England the first time, about 9 years ago.  However, it (or I) must not have aged well because I remember it being way funnier (I think the laugh track takes away from it, too, but I can't find a version without it). Nonetheless, it is worth sharing. 





Another British "advert" that I think speaks for itself:

Drink Up 4:19 PM

This is a classic


Remember these 7Up ads?



I suggested Garth Brooks "Wrapped Up In You" as our first dance song at my wedding and my husband said it remined him of this commercial, but I liked the commercial, too, so, I didn't really see the problem.

But, I think our eventual choice of Waylon Jennings "Good Hearted Woman" was definitely better.

This is a funny "explanation" to the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfuntion.

Bud Light: Wardrobe Malfunction Movies & TV SPIKE.com

I know I have a theme going, but I have been looking and looking for the commercial from the SuperBowl in like 1999 or 2000 when I had my marketing class and had to really watch them and remember one that started with a scene in the desert and you hear this sound and as it zooms in you realize it's someone trying to put a dollar in the machine, but it keeps getting spit back out and I thought it was so funny. I thought it was Pepsi, too, but I can't find it anywhere and these are the ones I came up with instead.

the top three 9:25 AM

Here ya go, ladies - my favorite three commercials of all time:

1. The VW commercial which re-introduced the Rabbit to the US. Seriously, can you honestly say you're not dancing a little in your seat right now?




2. The Red Sox's fan's spoof on MasterCard commercials, immediately after the 2004 season, when they won the World Series for the first time since 1918:




3. The AT&T Commerical from the late 90s with Elton John's Rocket Man as a backdrop. Yes, I cry at this commerical:

Miss Thystle Lives in Arizona For A Reason 12:39 PM

Did y'all hear about the porn that got broadcast during the Super Bowl?


Fans in Tuscon, Az. had their game coverage interrupted late in the fourth quarter by 30 seconds of porn. Only Comcast customers watching in standard definition had the interruption. I'm sure this is much to the relief of those watching in high def. since the clip shows a man being helped out of his pants and then doing 'the slappy dance'. Broadcasting that in high def. would be a sin against humanity, would it not?

Of course parents are horrified, as they should be, as are most of the males watching. Showing a little girl action is one thing... a wiener being whipped about is quite another!

Read more from Dlisted (where I stole the term 'slappy dance') and TMZ (where they have the censored video up).

I Watch It For The Commercials 6:00 AM

When you say that you don't care about the Super Bowl, you just watch it for the commercials, is that like saying that you only subscribe to Playboy for the articles? No, not really, because the former can be true whereas the latter is a complete and total LIE.

In honor of the Super Bowl and all of the fantastic commercials that come with it, this week we are serving up some of our favorite commercials ever.

Herding Cats kills me, partially due to my cowboy/ranch type leanings, but partly because it is beyond visually amusing: it's downright clever.



And for pure middle school humor, I heart the Bud Light Real Men of Genius ads.