E*Trade Baby Outtakes 8:56 PM

I especially like the Time Out and Oh My Goodness... ones. Enjoy!

Try and Beautify 11:30 PM

Well honestly, I might be kind of lame with the Beauty Secrets, because currently I don’t even own mascara. Gasp! I know. But here is what I’ve come up with:

1. Oil of Olay daily facial cloths. I have been using these for a few years now, and every time I switch to something new, I switch right back. They cover all the bases: cleansing, mild exfoliation, conditioning. I truly wish they existed when I was in high school. You can pick according to your skin type, although I will forewarn that the “oily skin” variety is very different from the “normal” or “sensitive” skin choices. The cloths are much softer for the normal/sensitive, and just feel better overall. They’re probably not good for the environment, since you use one a day and throw it away, but I love them too much to care. If you do buy them: remember to lather first. Very important.

2. Buy clothes that fit, and don’t settle. After dropping $25 here, $25 there for several pairs of jeans and pants that fit *sort of* right, but not quite right, I have committed to just buying the pair that actually fit, even if the price makes me a little light-headed. Because, the pants that fit make a girl feel good. And, if you do the math on all the pants that only sort of fit and eventually are relegated to the back of your closet or the goodwill bin, compared to the 3-4 pairs of great pants you love to wear every day, the latter totally wins.

3. Sing a song. I’ve been using this technique increasingly as the children annoy me. I sing to myself, whatever song comes to mind, to help block out the whining, and to prevent the snakes from growing out of my head. Tip: writhing, hissing snakes are much less attractive than one’s own hair.

4. Shower every day. Not only does a shower provide the opportunity for full-body cleansing, it may also be the only time you’re able to spend physically by yourself, which is mighty important for gray hair and wrinkle prevention. For me, anyway. Sometimes, it’s the only place I can think. And, I’ve always gotten my best ideas in the shower. I swear I wrote my whole thesis there—not saying that was a good idea, but it seemed like it at the time.

5. Minty lip gloss: makes breath smell fresh. I kind of love this C.O. Bigelow mentha lip shine from Bath & Body works, mainly for the Nifty Factor. It feels good, too, especially in the winter.

Beautiful Girls 6:09 PM

Niki's Top 5 Beauty Tips (in no particular order)

1. Smooth and Seal - this hair product is ridiculously cool. You spray it on after your hair is dry and run a brush and hair dryer through your hair. It makes your hair non-stop-touchably soft and much, much less frizzy. My stylist tells me she encourages curly-haired people who blow-dry their hair straight to use this instead of a flat iron because flat irons are terrible for your hair. I just think it makes my hair beautiful, so I'm a BIG fan. (She also tells me only to buy it from salons or beauty supply stores because the versions at CVS and other places are watered down versions of the original product; I haven't decided if I believe her or not.)

2. Only shampoo your scalp; only condition from the nape of your neck to the ends - Your ends don't need washing and your scalp doesn't need conditioning, per my stylist and also a magazine I read somewhere, sometime.

3. Sun Salutations to start your day - I know, I'm a hippie, veggie yoga freak. But I cannot espouse the benefits of even 2 minutes of sun salutations before I hop in the shower. My un-scientific research has shown that on days I don't do them I am less patient and more likely to let stress get to me than on the days I don't. If I have enough time, I might do other poses, but 2-3 run-throughs of sun salutations A and B never fail to get my blood flowing.

4. Sexy underwear - I have an underwear fetish. I'm a sexy underwear-aholic. Call me whatever you like. Up until about 2 years ago I never wore anything but cotton panties. Sure, they would have nifty/cute designs, but anything remotely frilly was for sexytime purposes only. Hanky Pankys sort of changed my attitude about lacy, and it's been downhill ever since. If I know it's going to be a long and/or stressful day, I make sure to love my panties - gives me that extra bit of confidence in the courtroom. I'm amazed at how comfortable pretty underwear can be! I found this awesome sale on expensive lingerie, so check it out and see if they have anything you like. (Apparently Reese Witherspoon bought some stuff from here for Jakey G, so naturally I had to Google it.) (Psst. If you like the ones in the photo, just click it to buy.)

5. This nifty face wash - I use to do this every night for about a year, to combat flaky, dry skin that plagues me in the winter time. Then, for some reason, it kind of quit working. Although I no longer do it every day, I still use it a couple of nights a week, and it definitely helps. You will need:

* Avocado oil
* Honey
* Salt (sea salt works best, but use whatever you have)
* Apple cider vinegar

a. Rub a small amount of avocado oil all over your face.
b. Next apply honey, all over.
c. Gently rub salt, all over.
d. Rinse with water. Pat face dry.
e. Splash vinegar on, let dry naturally.

Don't believe me? Apparently Catherine Zeta-Jones does a half-version of this, too! You will smell like salt and vinegar potato chips, so it's best to do it at night when you will be washing again in the morning (otherwise you will sweat the vinegar, i.e. when at the gym, and that's just gross/funny).

All That Stuff You Heard About the Spin Cycle Is True 9:21 PM

During our recent move half-way across the country, we ended up in need of a washing machine and dryer. Since we are adults, and pretty much decided that we have to ACT like adults, we opted for purchasing a real washing machine and dryer instead of some cheap-o used pair.

Enter the front loading beauties that look mostly like these (that were on super clearance blowout sale at Home Depot, that we had to purchase from two different stores).

I'm really loving the new set, all except for the fact that the floor in our laundry room is mushy and soft. And when that bad boy washing machine cranks up and goes to spinning like a maniac (like it's supposed to do, you see), it vibrates like... well, it vibrates A LOT. No amount of squareness, levelness, floor reinforcement or setting adjustment will make the washer stop shaking uncontrollably and 'walking' all over the place.

But you know what does work? If I sit on it. Yes, that's right, my cough*lightasafeather*cough rear is just enough pressure to calm the thing down. And since I need to wash clothes, after all, I find myself sitting on the washing machine through the spin cycle. Which lasts 11 minutes.

I know what you're thinking, and don't think I didn't think that that's what you would think. Because I thought it.

All this is to say that in the 11 minutes of spin that I sit through periodically, I have come up with some dandy ideas. One of which is this: I want a new name. I don't want to go by Megan in the blog world anymore. I want a new, cool, pseudo-name.

So what should it be?

And no nasty suggestions about adult toys and spin cycles and stripper names. (Although, I dare you to ask a Pen pal of mine about something she may or may not have discovered for sale on Amazon. Go ahead. I dare you.)

So? What shall I forever go by from now on? Leave your suggestions in the comments, and if I choose your name, I'll send you an undetermined-at-this-moment prize. I swear.

I'm Too Sexy For My. . .Asparagus? 5:30 PM

As you may have heard, PETA's Super Bowl ad has been pulled by NBC for being too risque. The natural conclusion to which you may have jumped is that it contains disturbingly graphic images of puppy mills that should not be aired during something so humane as the NFL Championship.  That conclusion, it seems, is incorrect.

Behold, PETA's NSFSB commercial: (NSFW? I have no idea, pretty much everything flies at my job.)




Readers, what's your take?

(beauty) secrets and lies 9:00 AM

I remember getting my first Teen Magazine, and I must've read it cover to cover about 3,000 times. I read about some supermodel who applied mayonnaise to her hair once a week to deep condition it, and I tried it.

I ended up smelling like a ham sandwich, sans ham. For three days. I could not get that mayo out of my @$%& hair.

As I got older, I got a little wiser...though not by much.

While on vacation in St. Augustine, I once tried to give myself a home bikini wax. (Niki, were you with me on this trip? This memory would be much less painful if alcohol was involved, but alas, we weren't drinkers, yet.)

But wait! This blog isn't supposed to be about beauty disasters! It's supposed to be about my secrets. So here they are, and I'm not going to tell you that I abide by all of them:

1. From Mom: Drink water. Lots of it. More than you think you need.

2. From Mom Again: Get 7-8 hours of sleep a night.

3. From my facial girl/aesthetician: Stop picking at your face.

4. Also from my aesthetician: You're not drinking enough water. Listen to your mother.

5. And from me: The things that make me LOOK like I'm following the first four "secrets":

* Crème de la Mer Moisturizer. Yep, it's expensive, but a container lasts at least a year, and it has changed my skin. I'm not kidding. I don't believe in "beauty miracles," but I do believe in this stuff. If you have dry skin, use it for three weeks, and I swear on everything that is holy in this beauty world, your skin will be perfect. Or close enough.

* Kevin Aucoin Eyelash Curler + hairdryer + Blinc Mascara = Tempe's eyes don't disappear!

A few good things about each: the pads of the curler are red, so there's no risk of catching part of your eye in the curler unless you're really trying; the hairdryer heats the pads and gives your lashes extra curl; Blinc Mascara coats your eyelashes in "tubes" instead of dyeing them in ink, making removal easy (warm water and pressure takes it right off).

* Bobbi Brown Tinted Eye Brightener. A perfect way to cheat your way to 8 hours of sleep. It's not too heavy, and I use it on any spot on my face that needs "help."

So that's it. And don't put mayonnaise in your hair. I don't care what the supermodels are doing these days.

Cows & Clumps 7:37 AM

Being as I am a frugal barmaid, I thought I'd share two of my favorite low-cost beauty secrets. Because, honestly. In these trying economic times, you have to save your pennies. For shoes.

* Declumping - No lady likes to leave the house with ooey-gooey mascara clumps clinging to her lashes. Indeed, the dread of the clump has left many a fair maiden reticent to don the mascara at all. But my friends, naked lashes are not the answer. When I decided a tube of mascara is done for, I simply wash the wand in hot water and dish soap (the most likley to get the mascara off the wand expediently) and allow it to dry. And the next morning? I have the world's most inexpensive and effective eyelash comb.

* Bag Balm - Yes, Bag Balm, the concoction developed in Vermont before the turn of the century to keep cow udders from getting dry and cracked in the cold. Now you might think that it's "udderly" disgusting, but this yellowish ointment makes the most fantastic bulk chapstick. I put Bag Balm on my lips every night before I go to sleep, and I only ever get chapped lips under the most dire of weather circumstances. And I'm kissable til the cows come home.

Swimsuit Portion? Please. 10:30 PM

Niki has decreed that we will talk beauty secret shop this week, although there will not be a swimsuit portion. Even if you sweet talked your super best, I WILL NOT be roped into a bathing suit. Talent, maybe, because who in the hell knows what I'd come up with, but NO SWIMSUIT. And I mean it. Mostly.

Ok, fine. I'll wear a swimsuit while I type.

As I posture and strut around in my plunging v-neck and hi-cut thong, I will scare the neighbors bestow upon you my secrets for personal beauty:

* Accentuate the positive. In my case, that would be a low cut, boob hugging top. That tactic also goes by the name Distract People With Your Gigantic Expanse of Chest So They Don't Notice Anything Else That May Be A Gigantic Expanse.

* Shirt colors that make your eyes stand out. For me, that's green. And I have a boatload of green shirts, BTW. Because I'm vain like that. So sue me.

* Cute shoes and cute purses CAN NOT be underestimated. Yeah. What she said.

* Eyeliner and mascara. Natural is a great look, that's for sure, but I have yet to see a face that looks worse for wearing eyeliner and mascara. Trust me on this.

And now for a little inner/emotional beauty:

* A great workout does wonders. Not only for the shape of your body, but for your emotional beauty too. I feel like I have lost about 10 pounds and have muscles bulging from all parts of my body after a killer workout. Even if it was the first one in months. It makes me FEEL GOOD!

* Do something that you know you should. Like pick up that piece of trash that you are walking mere inches away from and put it in the trash can. Or return that errant shopping cart to the appropriate place, even though some other nitwit left it out in the parking lot. Just DO IT, people! You will feel like Mother Teresa. Or something.

* Wear heels. I don't know if this counts in beauty beauty or emotional beauty, but whatevs. Heels rock.

Now I must go and write letters of apology fend off my husband as a result of this bathing suit madness.

I hope y'all are happy.

(Y'all know I'm a big ol' liar. Like I would wear a v-neck, hi-cut thong bathing suit and scare the neighbors. I don't even have neighbors. I've told you, it's just us and the cows!)

Beauty Pageant! 3:17 PM

Sorry, no swimsuit competition here (at least, not from me. Maybe you can talk Megan into it?).

This week is a festival of beauty here at the bar. Each of us is gorgeous in her own unique way, and we are here to share our expertise with the world.

Inside and out, physical and mental, aesthetic and emotional - there is no stopping us! If it helps us feel and look good, maybe it will help you, too!

A sneak preview: Don't eat Clif Crunchy Peanut Butter bars when there is a salmonella recall on them. You will feel nothing but ugly for going on three days.*

*This may or may not be the reason the WS is running on a delay and why my words keep stringing together in incoherent thoughts rather than the witty banter you're used to. : )

I Went Out For Wine and Dessert. I Came Back With This 1:57 PM

This is why I should never be allowed to go to the grocery store without a list. At night.


Let me try to explain: Three cartons of ice cream because it was on super sale that ended yesterday (and is the really, really good kind), cupcakes because I LOVE icing, a container of cream cheese brownies because maybe my husband would like them?, pancake mix for in the morning, a little cup of peanut brittle because it was only a dollar!, Reynolds Cling Wrap because I walked past it and realized that I needed it, one BABW that I knew I liked, and one BABW of a brand I have been wanting to try, and beer because we were out. All very, very logical, right?!

Could this have easily been the shopping cart of anyone else? Please? Or am I all alone in the insanity?

Fridge on a Mission: What Happens When I Read Too Much About Food* 11:30 PM

My illustrious refrigerator, purchased when we bought our home 3 1/2 years ago. If I could do it all over again, it would be BLACK. Or stainless, but they didn’t have any small enough for the space, at the time. It’s just that I find white so darn difficult to keep clean. And I loathe the water stains on the dispenser—our water has a lot of iron in it. At least the children won’t be anemic?

On the door: lots of condiments! Your standard fare. Looks pretty neat, too, doesn’t it? I didn’t clean up for this photo shoot, I swear. I’ve been on an anti-high fructose corn syrup kick, among others, as of late, and recently took inventory. You’ll still see a few items in our fridge that aggravate me, such as the Heinz ketchup, the crappy chocolate syrup, the A-1 sauce I think is “contaminated” with HFCS, and let’s not even talk about the deli drawer—yet. Also note that the third shelf was recently moved down a peg to store a really big bottle of wine I meant to replace today, but forgot. Sigh. It would have been current fav pinot grigio. From Costco. I’m sad it’s not there.

A few hours before I took this photo, the shelves were actually pretty bare:

 

 

 

 

 

Barer, anyway. Costco contributed a big container of strawberries, salad, more milk (shoved in the back—we go through lots around here), liquid candy-er, Coke, and eggs. In my ideal world, they would be organic and/or relatively local strawberries, and farm-fresh eggs, and milk from a local dairy, but what can you do. We can’t all afford to shop at the co-op. (Or drag our ass over there for three things with two small children in tow, when Costco is two miles from the house and the co-op is like, ten, as the case may be.)

What I am proud of on those shelves are the homemade leftovers: pizza sauce, Paula Deen’s French Toast Casserole (omg), and shrimp lo mein (tonight’s dinner).

Also notable: Feta cheese, which is very tasty in an omelet with fresh spinach. Also, plain yogurt, which we put in our dog’s food every morning. To be polite, it helps their digestion. Bender especially was not… flower-fresh, let’s say, pre-yogurt. And may the Force be with you if you forget one day.

There is also a ginormous tub of Country Crock that I feel too guilty to throw out. Yet. And it is so much more spreadable than even the whipped butter.

In the drawers, you’ll find standard assorted vegetables, including some questionable onions. I can’t seem to find onions around here that were fresh to begin with, they all come with sprouts. Maybe I should plant them instead? Hot dogs (Hebrew National, HFCS-free), bacon (nitrate-filled, alas), lots and lots of cheese, including (if you must) the Kraft cheese-food product slices I wanted to outlaw forever, but I was overruled, 3:1. There’s mozza for pita pizzas, some crazy-delicious brie-type cheese, cheddar, and Gouda. Also, I am sad to say, this:

Not quite as old as Andi’s horseradish, but still.

Now, the freezer! It’s hard to say for sure what’s in there. I’m really the only one who can navigate this bitch. There’s frozen cookies from Christmas, made by my mom and thieved surreptitiously, one by one, when the children aren’t looking. There’s a lot of chicken and pork chops and steak in there, along with homemade gravy, frozen veggies, more pizza sauce, ravioli, highly processed but delicious taquitos (I can’t win every battle around here, in spite of my sword-wielding ways), panko-breaded onion rings, which are ridiculous with an imposter recipe I found for Outback’s bloomin’ onion sauce… my freezer isn’t nearly as interesting, or as far along in my Quest for Better Food. But, it can serve as a reminder that one should never opt for the side-by-side fridge. Don’t be charmed by its fanciful arrangement! Storage is too darn tough, and forget about anything wider than a foot. Although, one should also know that the more crap a person stuffs in her freezer, the more efficient it runs, no matter what kind it is. 

I leave you with my favorite cookie tin. Uneeda Biscuit. Why yes, yes I do.

     

*Please note that this post would have been very different if this particular Weekly Special had been posed a few months ago. I’m… going through a phase. :) It can only last so long.

Out of Date 11:11 AM

Ha! I win!

Niki, that's totally not old. I have you beat. . by a few years!!

Can you make out this date on this container of horseradish sauce I found in our door?

Yup. November 2004. Ew. I bet they don't even make this anymore!

Clearly we don't eat it and just had it for. . guests? How sweet!

Treasure Trove 7:11 AM

Megan clearly hates me. Fridge came with the house and is ooh-old, maybe older than Megan's wallpaper.

Obama flyer, Obama/Biden sticker from election day, important bills I can't forget (that have been redacted for security purposes because I'm paranoid), Christmas card of nephew, set list from a Conor Oberst & Mystic Valley Band concert, Harry Potter paper/pen holder thingy, various other random stuff and cards.

Open Sesame:

Can't tell much except for random condiment bottles and bags of salads in the drawer (probably expired by now, to be honest); let's go in for a close-up.

My standards are there, but I'm not sure you can tell what they are: hummus, almost-empty bottle of salsa, leftovers (in my new recycled containers!), pita bread, butter, and spinach. Semi-regulars include: carrots, beer, V8 juice, half-full wine (on the side door two pictures up).

In the Freezer:

Masala normally doesn't reside in the freezer, but he wouldn't move and he wasn't actually blocking anything except some sherbet bars, so I left him there. You can't discern much, so I'll tell you: frozen veggies, various assorted frozen veggie dinners, frozen pizza, ice cream/sherbet, bag of ice (because my ice maker is disgusting (see above, old) and I don't really use ice at all except to give Masala as a treat), some frozen peanut butter dog treats that I should throw out because I refuse to give them to him due to tons of artificial ingredients and sugar (if only I ate as healthy as he does, sigh).

And now, the grand finale - oldest dated item in my refrigerator - and most likely all Smartini girls' fridges:

Unopened container of plain yogurt. Can you see the date? June 28 08 That means I probably bought it a week or two before then. Ick. In my defense, it wasn't opened and I often forget I buy these little guys as they hide on the side rack and get overlooked during periodic purges of the fridge.

Good things come in a box. . .with a tap. 9:55 AM

Ok, here she is (I think mine is female as well, Megs).

I kind of love my refrigerator. We used to have a big blank policy and not put much on the front at all, but it's slowly accumulated things. . .the thermometer (which I can't live without knowing how cold it is outside before venturing out), one magnet, one picture magnet, Sweet Pea's First-ever hair cut certificate!, Word Whammer and Farmer Tad (used to be hidden behind towels, but Wild Man kept yanking them down and we got tired of constantly replacing them, since they were just decorative anyway and not functional). Was that the longest run-on sentence ever? I think it might have been. Moving along. . .

Oldest: top left, that Ham is from before Christmas!!!! yikes! But, Hubby thinks he's saving it for the dogs to have a feast on the bone?

Staples: sippie cups of milk, Box of wine, Diet Cokes (normally Cherry!), fruit, yogurt, Tupperware containers of leftovers, lots of salad stuff (for Hubby)

And more big ass bottles of wine in the door, all of the condiments and water bottles and Brita water pitcher. I'm not sure how old that GingerAle bottle is.

And down below in the freezer. . .

lurks lots of processed foods: popcorn shrimp, chicken fingers, pizzas, grilled cheese Uncrustables, a leftover tray of party quiches from December, frozen shrimp for the fish in the 75 gallon salt water fish tank, etc. There is no telling what lies beneath though. I'm sure there are some scary tin foil containers and such.

Corn Dogs and Beer 10:21 PM

Here she sits in the yellow glow that is my rental house kitchen. (Is it a she? I think so.) Normally I have all kinds of stuff on the front on my fridge, but since we just moved in, we haven't gotten to that yet. But we will, rest assured.

And behold the... relative emptiness of her! Again, since we just moved in (and brought no chilled items with us) this refrigerator has the items that I felt were key. You know, ketchup, mayo, Diet Coke, BEER.

Oh, and wine. Wine that my dad gave me for my birthday. (Is that sad, that my father gave me two bottles of wine for my birthday? My lush-ness is well know, obviously. And one bottle is already gone, obviously!)

The freezer section is a bit of a bare, frozen tundra, save for the corn dogs and pancakes. And some frozen cube steaks. And all those ice cube trays because we can't find where to turn on the water line for the ice maker. Kickin' it old school!

The beer, wine, Diet Coke, sweet tea and cheese are the things you will almost always find in my fridge. And milk for the kids, I suppose, but only after the other items are securely inside. OBVIOUSLY.

(All of my stuff is brand new, so nothing is out of date. Yet. Like filling up the front with junk, there will be things growing hair in there soon. When we were cleaning out the old fridge I came across some gravy that I made at Thanksgiving (three weeks earlier) that was growing more stuff than I have ever seen on one item. And that's just one example. We has several items from Thanksgiving, let's just say.)

We're Chillin' 9:00 PM

Smartini is going reality show, Cribs style! This week we each will be showing you our refrigerators, in and out. This could be cool, this could be gross.

At least we swear to not go through and 'prep' our refrigerators like those punks on Cribs. "Only bottled water and fruit for me!" PLEASE!

In addition to the visuals, we will be noting which items you can always find in our respective fridges and which item was the oldest, most nasty-should've-been-thrown-away-six-weeks ago. If you've got a blog, please entertain us with a fridge post of your own!

WTFriday: Morning Edition 8:04 AM

My dog just ate a tampon.

Right before we were about to go to for a walk in below freezing temperatures.

Two days after he tried to bite me and growled at me for taking away a piece of paper.

Am now debating calling the vet or waiting it out; leaning toward the latter because a) expensive and b) not really keen on having that conversation with my 60s-ish, male vet.

Happy Friday and Good Morning!

UPDATE:
Pen, as far as the absorbency goes, I was concerned about that, too.  However, since he pulled the tampon from the trash bin, my co-worker and I hypothesized that hopefully it had already "filled up" so to speak. : )

In other news, Masala has now started to pass gas, and Oh. My. It does NOT smell pretty ladies.  It smells sort of like your trash bin the week of your period, except worse. Ugh. Worst. Smell. Ever.

 As if this weren't enough, Masala also ate $5.  Way to kick me while I'm down, fella.  I have no idea how he got said $5, as the last time I saw it, it was in my back pocket. . .of the jeans I'm wearing.

If dogs are this bad, it only confirms that I can never have children.

UPDATE #2: 
It is Sunday afternoon, around 4pm, and I am happy to confirm that over 56 hours after ingestion, the tampon has cleared.  It was somewhat anticlimactic, as it had morphed from its original form and took some "investigation" to identify, but nonetheless, the damn thing is out of his body and I no longer have to worry about intestinal blockage that could kill him (or an embarassing call to the vet!).  For posterity's sake, I had to photograph the evidence, but I will spare you that gem of a picture. . .because even though we are pushing the envelope of deceny here at Smartini, we just can't go there. 

Am I Starting A Camp Fire? No. It's Just My Thighs 4:45 PM

This is what happens when your brain says Don't Go to McDonald's, Chubby! but then your very, very hungry stomach comes crashing up your esophagus at 90 mph, cruises through your sinus and whips the shit out of your brain. Continuously. It doesn't help that these pants have long since been my faves so I thigh rub, rub, rub in them ALL THE TIME.

Now look at what I've done! And yes, there is a worn spot on the other thigh too. We're equal opportunity over here.


And now y'all owe my at least 10 bucks for the scandalous inner thigh shot. Or something. (I'm pretty sure Miss Thystle is rubbing off on me, what with the gratuitous shots and all.)

Cleaning Up the Bar, Part 4: Odds & Ends 9:00 AM

1. Sometimes, when all else fails with getting something clean, good old fashioned scrubbing does the trick. Elbow grease, plus a damp scouring sponge can work wonders. There were some areas on my (white, dammit!) stove that have been bugging me since we moved in over 3 years ago, and this weekend, I finally just said, screw the products, and put some muscle into it. The thing is still far from spotless, but I kind of couldn’t believe the results.

2. Strawberry stains on (white, dammit!) cotton is tough. I tried dish soap, vinegar, baking soda, borax, and finally Charlie’s Soap spray, in that order. It turned bright red, then purple, then bright red, then purple, and then finally went away. In that order. Weird!

3. I’m going through a Green Phase, of sorts, and bought a few Method cleaners, and I have to say, I am loving the wood and granite cleaners, specifically. The wood cleaner just makes me happy. It smells like almond oil (which is exactly the ingredient), which makes me think of cookies, and what’s better than cookies? The granite cleaner beats all for shine.

Good Luck NOT Staring at the Photo 6:00 AM

I recently stumbled upon The Pioneer Woman.com and am pretty sure I'm in love.

How have I missed this chronicle of life on a working cattle ranch with a dose of motherhood and a splash of chefage?! Haven't I been a good blog reader? A good internet comber? And here was Ree, the PW, writing fantastic posts, taking killer good pictures, whipping up all sorts of delish meals DOING THE VERY THING THAT I WANT TO DO and where have I been? Who knows.

I am absolutely floored with PW, which could have something to do with my insane jealousy, but let's not get rash in our accusations. It's still early yet (but exactly when does one become a fan girl?).

One of the main reasons that I am without a doubt hooked is her series 'Black Heels to Tractor Wheels' which details how she went from living in the city in a golf course community to falling in love and marrying her cowboy husband, Marlboro Man. I have made it through number 23 and cannot wait to get back to read the next, oh, 20 installments.

This stuff is good y'all, and I'm not just saying that because I have a fine appreciation for a cowboy. More specifically, a cowboy in chaps. Which she posts pictures of, BTW.

Ahem.

(ripped directly from The Pioneer Woman)

I can see it in your eyes... You'll be clicking on over momentarily, won't you?

Oh, and if you are a bit squeamish on the whole working ranch bit, be sure to check out the whole list of posts about their dogs. I have only read a few, but this one made me laugh out loud, especially the last picture and caption.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have legitimate work that I need to postpone while I go read PW. I wonder if I can somehow wrangle (get it?!) this site into my research and thesis... Yes?

I Wasn't At The Piggly Wiggly, But I Might As Well Have Been 10:46 PM

I'm a little late to this party, but Happy Birthday, Andi! In honor of your glorious 30th, I thought I would bring over a tasty sampling of treats that I recently rediscovered on my first trip to the grocery store since moving back to Georgia.

I don't know if it's just Georgia... but it damn sure wasn't Kansas:

• Apple Butter in the jelly section (Yum!)
• A substantial selection of spray cheese
• Salt & Vinegar chips (Yum Yum!)
• Another substantial selection of Old Bay seasonings
• An even bigger variety of grits
• Cheerwine (for Pen's mixed drinks, perhaps?)
  
• A slew of pickled items, not excluding snack bologna, eggs and pigs feet
• Hubba Bubba at the checkout
  
• A stand alone, out in the middle of the main drag display of pork rinds
• Beer and wine singles (Wine is sold in the grocery store, yippee!)

Now that's what I call a party! A veritable buffay of deliciousness, if you will.

You can thank me later when you are feeling the after effects from all of that goodness. Happy Take Out That Hubba Bubba Because You're About to Eat Pickled Eggs Rolled in S&V Chips Seasoned with Old Bay and Topped with Spray Cheese with a side of Apple Butter Laden Grits with Crunched Up Pork Rinds on Top Washed Down with Cheerwine and a 40 oz. Beer Birthday! (OMG, can you imagine the water closet fall-out from that?!)

I keep getting more classy with every post...

Dirty 30! 1:00 PM

Today, another Smartini barmaid crosses over the threshold of the breezy, carefree twenties into the *cough* wizened, solemn era of the thirties. We’re dropping like flies into OLD AGE here at Smartini, and rest assured we’ll be carrying notepads from now on to take your orders, lest we forget between the table and bar! All kidding aside, please offer a toast to ANDRIA today, and wish her well today and for the year to come!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Andi! Who clearly, should she have cake today, deserves a little something like this:

Southern Grace 12:35 PM

Happy Birthday, Megan!! The Big 3-0!!
I know it's the weekend and our bar is atypically slow on the weekends, but everyone raise your glass, we need to get 30 well wishes before closing time on her big day for Megan, the driving force behind getting us all together in the first place. If you say it with a Southern Drawl or are punny, she'll love it even more.

BJ did start some on the last post, so I'll continue with:

(2) Hope your new do turns out fabulous and you have a blast with your sis shopping.
(3) May your return to GA be all that you imagined it would be.
(4) May you find yourself surrounded by all the people that believe and support you the most (and are able to actually see them since you are now much closer geographically) and they help you succeed on this new path you have set for yourself and your family.
(5) I hope in the next 30 years your girls continue to bring you joy and grow up to find good cowboys you approve of and embrace.

Cheers!

Goodbye Twenties, You WTH! 10:30 PM

Tomorrow is my 30th birthday.

GASP! I know!

Fortunately for me, I have a nice day planned with my sister at a hugemongous mall outside of Atlanta. I'm pretty sure I will be getting my hair did (can y'all tell I'm back in the South?!), especially getting ALL THAT GREY covered up. And then, when I'm done with the foil and dryers, we are going to peruse that damn mall until our feet fall off, because damnit! it's my birthday!

In the mean time, I will leave you with this song that just makes me laugh and laugh and then laugh all over again. I heard it in Kansas before we left so I know it's not just a Georgia thing... If you aren't a fan of country music, don't turn it off right away. It just keeps getting better. And I can't believe that they play this on the radio! (Let's not pretend here: I will sing along with this song and smile just like the next person because I am certainly not too good!)

Happy Birthday to me, your white trash ho!

Cheater, Cheater - Joey+Rory

I Suppose I Could Do Worse 9:01 PM

Because I have been such a negligent bartender for the past few weeks, I will keep up that trend and contribute this cheater submission as my I Spy.

Our side yard, with a fence line to the back and pasture beyond

My new neighbors in Georgia are cows (you can't see them in this shot, but they're there, somewhere). Seriously. We don't have anyone in view, just a small herd of cows. I can't tell them apart quite yet, so I really don't know any good juicy tidbits to share about their goings on, but I can tell you this: one of them has been sleeping around with all of the others. And now (shhh!) all of those girls are having illegitimate children! THE SCANDAL!

We chose this house specifically for the neighbors, keep in mind, cow copulation and all. Because we're like that.

(Alright, alright! I can't take the shame! At our Kansas home we had one set of neighbors. Just one. A man and woman who were in their thirties? forties? with no children, yet she drove a minivan and he a crew cab truck. Why they needed all that space, I have no idea. He would mow the grass constantly and she had a huge field of irises that she tended to like children. And would then be seen out with her irises in bloom taking photos with a big, fancy camera. Later I learned that she printed the photos and mailed them as postcards to each member of her church on their birthday. And then I felt like a jackass for all of the snide things I said about her taking a billion pictures of her flowers. But I didn't feel bad for the things I said about him mowing his grass all the damn time and making our yard look bad. So there!)

I’m a Window Watcher 11:30 AM

Here’s what’s happening in my neighborhood.

• Neighbor 1, right next door. The old guy next door takes  exceptional, daily care of his lawn, so that the hedgerow lines are razor sharp, and one could probably measure each individual blade of grass and come up with the same data. He and my dog, Bender, have an interesting relationship that I still can’t quite figure out after 3 1/2 years of living here. I think they like each other, but I’m not sure. He likes to egg her on, and in response Bender barks, thrashes her head and foams at the mouth. I used to call her in, thinking she was annoying the man, but a few times, he’s waved me off, indicating that my insane dog is fine, and he’s just having fun with her. Also, I have only seen the man’s wife one time… she’s just not well. I wonder if tending to the lawn is meditative for him, an escape.

 

• Neighbor 2, across the street. I can barely see their house, so I can’t tell you much! The bushes out front look like they will eventually eat the house, leaving nothing but a few shingles, and perhaps a metal piece or two from the giant radio tower that I assume is used for hobby. They have a camper, so must take trips, but I’ve never seen them packing up and going anywhere. Very little activity, really, although I did once see the lady shuffle to the mailbox in her bathrobe.

 

• Neighbor 3 is my favorite. I will tell you, I am absolutely dying to know the scoop on the two-story house (in a neighborhood full of ranch homes) that is across the street, kind of diagonal to us. Never seen the parents, I don’t think. They have a teenage boy, who is some kind of hoodlum. He once brazenly asked my husband, who was out mowing the lawn, for a cigarette. As if! I’ve seen him walking around the neighborhood with his hood rat friends and hoochy little teenage girls. But not in awhile, because I think they shipped him off somewhere. For the longest time, the Sherriff’s Department would pull up to this house—never just one car, always at least two, and the cops would go inside to investigate. Every couple of weeks. I’m assuming some sort of domestic issue(s)? Then, one time, a CSI van accompanied the Sherriff’s Department. They brought a computer out and hauled it away. I saw nothing on Dateline that covered this incident, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to know every juicy detail! The Sherriff’s Department visits continued regularly,until finally, a big white van parked across the street. One of the little hoochies was outside talking to… the father? Looked like a serious sort of conversation. A few white trash bags were taken to the van, full of clothing, one would presume, and then was gone. Haven’t seen the kid since.

This Southern Girl Is Home 11:22 PM

I'm back, kids, and boy have I missed all of y'all!

The move back to Georgia was quite an interesting adventure and I'm sure I will have to catch all of you up on it... later. But for now, let me entertain you with a picture of a sign that tells me I am home:

Hand to my heart, this is a real sign along the main drag in my husband's hometown (in Georgia) that I alternately could not believe and found highly amusing. So I pulled into this Pizza Hut and took a picture of their Hooked On Phonics Testimonial just so I could post it here.

BUFFAY?! Sweet Mother.

Welcome Home, Georgia calls to me, Welcome Home.

(Doesn't the bar look so swank?! I swear I'll go away more often if this is the kind of thing that happens when I'm gone!)

Oh, ok, I can't resist: Just one picture from the big move:

Lilly, chilling during a pit stop at McD's

I REALLY Hope They Aren't Spying on Me 9:25 PM

My neighborhood is basically that street right on the outskirts of Everywhere, USA downtown area. Old houses, sidewalks, white picket fences, giant trees, mail slots on the house instead of mailboxes at the end of the driveway, even a cobblestone street just around the block. For this reason, most of the people that live here are older people with money - they don't want too much yard to look after and it's really a very nice little area. Total postcard kind of place. The only reason I live here is because I rent, and the owner was desperate for any kind of income when he failed to sell the house last summer.

Most of my neighbors probably know a lot more about me than I do about them; I'm gone a lot and they are predominantly retired folks. I know many of their names - Gaston and Bev, David and Sue, Herb and Annemarie. The reason I know this much is because both of my next door neighbors, on either side, introduced themselves like the very day that I moved in. Sue even brought me cookies! (How delightfully southern!) I knew this was more to cure their own curiosity than to welcome me to the neighborhood, but it was a lovely gesture nonetheless.

I could go on and on about these people here, because they've invited me in their homes for wine and hor d'oeuvres, but trust me, the next block down is way more interesting. You see, I walk my dog twice a day, every day, and even though it's impossible to know everything about every house, there are a few houses in particular that I keep an eye on.

#1 - The Gay House - I am 90% certain that we have a middle-aged gay male couple on our quaint, smalltown street. This makes me happy to end. Only I don't have rocksolid proof. I do know: A) their lawn cost a fortune; it's much more extravagant and luxurious than the rest of the lawns. B) They own 3 trucks. C) I've only ever seen the same two men coming, going, or working on the lawn. D) They have a ridiculous frog flag that I think is totally to throw people off the scent. One day I'm going to work up the balls to check their mail when they aren't home just to see who lives there.

#2 - The Bitch House - Apparently the woman that lives there thinks I'm a super bitch because one day I didn't wave, and when she said hello I had to remove my headphones and say, "Excuse me?" because I couldn't hear what the hell she was saying (which probably means I didn't see her wave either). I know this of course because she knows my co-worker's sister and I live in that kind of small town. Ever since then I try to be extra friendly when we walk by there, which I think has backfired because now the woman thinks I'm flirting with her husband (she is around my age; he is about a generation older...yeah, she has stepsons almost as old as she is). Anyway, at Christmas they put up a huge Canada Dry plastic snowglobe on their chimney which I thought was pretty tacky because A) product placement at Christmas WTF? and B) Schweppes is clearly the better ginger ale.

#3 - The Hummer House - Right next door to the Bitch House. They operate a daycare out of what used to be a garage, so I can't walk by in the mornings or else Masala will try to wag his tail on a child and parents get angry. A cop lives there and they have a son in the army - I know because their giganto black Hummer sits on the street decorated with US Army stickers and once they had a "Welcome Home" sign on their roof. They spent A LOT of money on their lawn, too, and I am somewhat ashamed to say that it made me giggle when their grass didn't root and died. I'm sorry, but they cut their grass like every other day and spent way too much time concerned about it, and I just can't tolerate that kind of anal retentiveness when I can barely wash my dishes.

#4 - The Republican House - I really wish I would've taken a picture of this house in the thick of the election. Ridiculous. For starters their porch is already cluttered with more tables and nicknacks than should ever be allowed; they have a chalkboard with seasonal messages; and a sign that says "Hippies Use Side Door." During the election they had every square foot of their garden filled with Republican signs, at least 4 McCain/Palin signs among them. Their two cars have license plates "GOP Lady" and something else Republican related. Suffice it to say that I hated these people. : ) Then, I'll be damned if they didn't redeem themselves for Halloween. Totally had the best decorations, including a GIGANTIC blow-up headless horseman carriage in the street where the GOP Lady BMW usually sits. As for candy, I can't say, but their decorations where the bomb.

Observations 12:05 AM

Judging by the overflowing trash bins, my neighbors drink a lot of Diet Dr. Pepper. (Aren't I the real super sleuth?!)

Every night when she gets home, she blows the horn to signal, I'm guessing, "get your butt out here and help me unload the kids!" at least that's the kind of horn blowing used. It's not a quick beep-beep, but an incessant HONK! Honkhonkhonkhonk in rapid succession. Impatient. Not polite. At least that's my interpretation. Funny how you can interpret horn honking. (I know her to be a very sweet person, I'm just not sure how her interactions with her husband are, you know? It seems more demanding in my opinion than a simple request for help. My mom always honked the horn quickly when she got home with groceries to signal to all the kids to come out and help unload. But, it was still just an alert, not a threat.)
~~~~~~
My other neighbor works from home. And he's observant working in his office that has a window facing the street. He noticed and commented one time when I drove home with a spare. Maybe men notice cars more anyway, but I'm just not sure that's something I'd look up and notice when someone pulled into their driveway next door. He'd make a good PI - in fact, maybe he really is and the insurance gig is just his cover. hmm. In ways makes you feel secure he's watching, would notice something out of the ordinary and others. . .creepy?

He brings his dog outside to go to the bathroom a couple of times a day. Sometimes, he will bring a golf club and ball to chip around the yard while he waits.

He goes for a walk/run some days. But will just go in jeans or whatever he's wearing, no effort to change or really work out. (He's super tall and thin and I know is a member of the new gym as well, so I'm not saying he needs to - moving is great, I just think it's a little odd to jog in jeans.)
~~~~~~
There's another neighbor with bent blinds in the upstairs window (obviously, the boys bedroom), unfinished siding on one end of the house and other "projects" that don't quite get done.

And one house in particular that rarely had any signs of life, other than the cats that prowled and lingered around. The newspapers were always mush and plentiful in the driveway, the house just seemed untended to and there was this odd cardboard Santa Claus stuck in the front window, that was clearly aged and faded. It was hard to make out what it was, but some say it was a Coca-cola sign. They said the woman just worked a lot. It was recently renovated and sold and seems much more lively with children and dogs again.
~~~~~~~
Holiday edition:
One house had lights set to music, which was kind of cool since I didn't live nearby and had to watch the lights spazz out all night.

Another house had large ornaments and snowflakes hanging in the trees outside in the yard! It was very whimsical.

One house is ablaze with lights all around the house like it's a Sesame Street Gingerbread house with every shape - rectangles, triangles, lines around the windows and doors and roof lines - outlined in lights. It's cute. But bright at night and just happens to be right at my window when I lay down. I'm just saying. And they stay up as late as me some nights.

One house had dog bones tied around the mailbox and I wondered if they were for the taking? I know the man to be a animal lover and had worked at a vet and grooming place, so was this just a sign of his appreciation or was it an offering to other dog walkers as they walked their dogs around the neighborhood to give them a treat? Wouldn't you put up a note like, "take one" or "woof, woof" or something to clue people in so they wouldn't be tempted to steal your holiday decorations? Or is it just me that would consider it?

Waa Waa Waa 10:15 PM

Do y’all believe in the events of New Year’s Eve foretelling the flavor of your year to come? I always feel a bit superstitious about it, nervous for nothing bad to happen. This year, we had a pretty low-key New Year’s, once again, as happens amongst Homebodies with Small Children, and overall I have few complaints. But right around 6PM that evening, three things broke in rapid succession: my husband’s watch, which he just had repaired for the second time in two months; the DVD/VCR in my daughter’s room; and… dare I speak it. The Wii. Right in the middle of a race. Like, imagine you were talking to someone, and right in the middle of a sentence, they fainted. That is what happened to our Wii. And it has yet to recover. I should mention the Wii is only 4 months old. It now will boot up, but won’t read any discs. We’ve reset, rebooted, unplugged, replugged, cleaned the laser, and shook our fists. Wept bitterly. And… nothing.

Now what? Does the Wii go on vacation to the Wii Spa, for a Wii-juvenation?

Sorry. Could not resist. But seriously, I need my fix of high speeds and falling off cliffs!

I do hope 2009 isn’t the Year of Breaking Things.

In lieu of 10:00 AM

As Megan is still in the midst of her big transition and sans Internet access, she won't be working her shift [again!] this week, so I've compiled a little tribute on the jukebox in celebration of her many happy returns to Georgia! She has the newest neighbors and I'm sure lots of opinions have already formed from her recent observations, so she'll owe us a full report upon her return.


SeeqPod - Playable Search

I Spy 8:36 AM

This week your bartenders will be playing detective and reporting revealing observations on our neighbors. It may be a simple list, a barrage of complaints, confessions of envy or possibly even a short story, but it's sure to be insightful.

Resolutions? 12:20 AM

Which one of these is NOT my 2009 Smartini Resolution?

* Lure more male patrons to the bar by posting more T & A

* Not to let New Year's Eve hangovers, flight delays, and out-of-town trips affect my Smartini work (Shit. I think I already broke this one.)

* Curse less while on my shift

* Improve smart-assy skills, aspire to be more like Megan

* Be gracious winner when Florida beats Oklahoma. I mean, really. No Gator fan would be caught dead making a video like this:

'08's Toasted...Raise Your Glass to '09! 10:58 PM

"New Year's Resolution: drink less... and quit smoking... and quit talking total nonsense to strangers... actually, quit talking, full stop." - Bridget Jones

Here's to the new year at the bar. I feel a bit remorseful about my absenteeism from the bar in the latter part of the year. Emotional hangovers, and the like. But, since we're getting a new start and all the glasses are empty, just waiting to be filled, I hereby resolve...

- Service with a Smile: I know I've been rather the Eeyore of Barmaids, and I resolve to wine less and beer more.

- Can I Get Your Number?: More date-capades and capers in the new year!

- Shaken, Not Stirred: Laugh it up, folks. I hope that '09 will see me bringing happy back - maybe we'll even change the Ashtini recipe for a double-shot of Dry Wit.

Happy New Year!

I do un-solemnly swear! 10:30 AM

• To serve up more Bar Food.
• To finish up my Cleaning Up the Bar series, because no one likes a dirty bar. At least not the kind with grime!
• To show up to work drunk more often.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE! 

I resolve. . . 6:08 AM

*To try to keep my Weekly Specials fun and enticing to bring in new patrons and entertain the regulars.

*To be a better bartender and listen more and keep up with the regulars. We all like it when servers remember our orders and have them ready as we sit down. . or know what questions to follow up with from our last visit.

*To not let my moonlighting affect the shifts at the bar.

*To post more than just the Weekly Special each week.

*To serve chocolate. Forget the peanuts; chocolate (and maybe even chocolate and peanut butter together?!) makes people happy.

Happy 2009!! Drink up!