shot of sass, served on (n)ice

Monday, June 30, 2008

End of the world?

I didn't have a WTFriday post, but this bit of alarming news makes it a definite WTF Monday.

It just seems wild and crazy that people can "play" around with such powerful science. I don't know enough to know if the fears of critics are just naive and come from not understanding, but they sound like scary possibilities that shouldn't be taken too lightly to me nonetheless.

Sad day in Dawg nation

When Hubby informed me that Uga VI had passed away last week I was shocked that this bit of news hadn't made it to Smartini yet, with a good half of the barmaids being avid Dawg fans. So, I'm doing my part to include it now.

I'm Taking These When I Go

I'm sure that being sent away to an island with only a scant few things available is supposed to sound a little bit torturous, but I'm not so sure. Cast away, all alone (perhaps?) in some tropical locale sounds kind of nice. A little bit of swimming, a little bit of sunning, a little bit of snoozing... a girl might get carried away just thinking about it!

I Would Be Lost Without:

1. My COMPUTER (with Internet access, a microphone and web cam, of course)! I think I would be utterly and totally lost without it. Just think of all of the stuff you can do! Out there on that island I would still be hooked up with the latest news and recent TV shows, I could rock to the radio, read a book and chat with friends. Or even just play a game of solitaire, in my solitary state. I could compose a bad ass journal of my exploits on the isle or create killer graphics for my favorite blog. OR I could create one helluva blog! Yeah, that's it! I would be a blogging, cast away fool!

2. If I'm going to be a blogger of the world, I'm certainly going to need my DIGITAL CAMERA. It seems like I don't wander too far without it handy for everyday experiences, so I can imagine how stinking important it would be for island life! Would I be able to trade up to a new, fancy cam, maybe? A big telephoto lens would be awesome for capturing all of the spectacular things (and maybe even not so spectacular things - read: bugs) that I would see.

3. DRINKS would be rather important as well. From plenty of fresh water to the gallons of Diet Coke that I go through, I need lots of beverages. If I said that I don't wander too far without my camera, I really don't wander far without a drink. No matter what. Tasty adult beverages may need to be included in this Drink category as well. Oh, and ice. Or some sort of refrigeration. That's not asking too much, is it? Please tell me that doesn't count as an item all on its own, does it?

4. Because if it does, I'm really screwed when I lump all of my PERSONAL CARE PRODUCTS into one. First and foremost: a toothbrush and toothpaste! Let me wash my hair with berries and rub leaves in my arm pits for deo, but this woman has to have a fresh feeling mouth. Bar None. But all of the other niceties would be rather helpful: lotion, deo, chap stick, a RAZOR, etc. It's all in the name of keeping myself semi-presentable for my web casts, y'all. No vanity here. Nooo no. (Notice no make up in the list. Who needs that when I'll have a killer tan?)

5. Finally a soft as down and light as air, BED. On this island I'm guessing that it's a touch bit warm, so my feather bed probably wouldn't do so well, what with making me hot as hell and sticky. But something along that line that would make for some super comfortable sleeping. How else am I going to have the energy to hunt and gather food, make a hammock out of leaves and branches and lift 12 oz. refreshment, if I'm not well rested? Precisely.

This is all sounding rather good... until I think of 'Survivor' and all of the nasty, biting insects, no food, no bathroom, and the hot, blazing sun. Hmm. In that case, I alter my list to include:


While You Were at the Bar 6/30

News you can use:

Two medical helicopters collided in midair Sunday, killing at least four people and critically injuring three more. The cause of the crash, near Flagstaff Medical Center in Flagstaff, Arizona, is under investigation.

Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe will meet with leaders in the African Union today to answer critics of his one candidate election last week. Most are expected to pressure him to enter into talks with the opposition, the Movement for Democratic Change.

Hollywood's actors and studios are at it again about a labor contract. The current labor pact expires tonight at midnight with no new deal in sight. No hints of a strike, although studios have shut down production for fear of one.

News you can lose:

Moviegoers spent over $100 million at the box office this weekend between Pixar's 'WALL-E' and the Angelina Jolie flick 'Wanted.' Unfortunately for Angie, 'WALL-E' beat her out.

Word of the Day:

mazy (adjective): resembling a maze in form or complexity; winding; intricate; confusing; perplexing

Holy cow, that's amazying!

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Five Must Haves, And I Don't Mean Men

Your bartenders are being cast away to an island with only 5 of their most can't-live-without items this week.

Will our must haves include an iPod? A cell phone? Or even an eyelash curler? Surely there will be some alcohol treats brought along by some of us Dirty Smartini girls, no? People and pets are out the window, as is all logic that tells you that your cell phone wouldn't have coverage.

Five items to keep us all from going insane, or at least too inebriated to care!

(Perhaps I should get clarification as to whether there will be certain other people there with us... for a little *ahem* Sex on the Beach.)

Friday, June 27, 2008

WTFriday: The Rock & Rullet. Really.

So the other night I've got Deal or No Deal on in the background, and THIS lady comes on:

I mean, she's fine, I'm sure, as a person and as a contestant, with all the requisite over-the-top enthusiasm required of a Deal or No Deal contestant. But that hair? WTF. You're going to go on national TV like this, really? Really. Looking like you got into a fight with Edward Scissorhands on the way to the taping. Really.

But it gets better. We come to find out that the woman isn't just *fashion challenged* in the hair department, as is pretty much anyone who lives in the 21st century and still has a mullet. Nor is she blind, or on bad terms with her styling products and tools. No, no. No. She created this eyesore on purpose. A pre-meditated crime of hair fasion. She calls it, The Rock & Rullet. That would be the *clever* term for a Rock & Roll Mullet.

I don't get it, either. The rest of her family, by the way, looked completely normal.

To add insult to visual injury, Howie later came out wearing this wig:

I have no words.

Happy WTFriday, y'all. Just remember, friends don't let friends wear mullets.

Zapped By My Underwire

WTF was I doing on the night before this WTFriday, standing out on my deck with a camera held up in the air in the middle of the craziest lightening storm I have ever seen? Trying to bottle lightening, that's what. Or at least have quick as lightening reflexes to get a pic of it!

As I was standing out in what felt like a vast expanse of openness (which really wasn't, see corn field in photo), I started to wonder just how bright of an idea this was. I was going to be that girl, the one that makes the news because she was DUMB ENOUGH to stand outside in the middle of a lightening storm, hold her camera up to try and take pictures of it and gets a well deserved zap. A zap from holding up a decidedly metal camera, perhaps?

And if this were to happen, would the electricity course through my body and electricute my bosoms due to my underwire?That's a chance I was not willing to take, so I headed indoors and held up another decidedly metal object, weighing approximately 12 ounces.


Look real close and you can see the potentially boob frying bolt.

Later, with what appears to be a drop of rain on the lens, I went back out and got a tiny bit more (in the upper left corner). So Stupid. SO STUPID.

Becks Is Causing Wrecks

with this new billboard in San Francisco. Not really, I just made that up, but I would definitely be the jackass that slows down and gawks at this. Or just flat out stops.

Happy, happy, happy Friday y'all. This should get it started out just right.

(So this really isn't a WTF? kind of post, but something tells me that you don't care. Perhaps a We Think he's Fine? or Whoa, That's Fab?)

My Company Made the Fortune 500

A brief interview with the enormously famous and wealthy Penelope.

How did you acquire your fortune?
Obvi, The Lo.Co. rocketed me to fame and fortune, followed closely by (Mis)Adventures and Smartini. I haven't quite figured out how yet, but hell, dooce did it, and I'm at least as charming as Heather B. Armstrong. Snarf.*

Where is your primary place of residence?
I live the quiet life high up in the mountains of North Carolina, in a ginormous house that dwarfs Andi McDowell's *hovel.* Fellow Smartini Barmaid Niki actually lives right down the street.

Where are your vacation homes?
A brownstone in NYC. A beach house in Cali, so I can visit M whenever necessary. A condo in Orlando for our family vacays. A modest, as in huge, decked out, flat in London. And I suppose, you know, something tropical. I'll have to have my people look into it. Also, Smartini Sista Andi has been kind enough to grant me first-class passage onto her private jet for impromptu visits to Megan's Waffle House-funded Texas ranch and Tempe's Lucy Nell restaurant (we stay at the brownstone).

How do you spend your days?
Writing The Lo.Co. series. My diligent staff of Personal Assistants attends to all the other *details.* The children, etc.

What is the name and mission of your charitable organization?
One assistant mentioned something recently about home-based philanthropy? Something about letters and writing checks and helping people out of *the goodness of my own heart.* That sounded cute.

Who is your celebrity BFF?
The entire cast of "The Office." I think I would probably get along best with Pam, while secretly admiring Jim.

Other than your multiple homes, what are your other millionaire indulgences? As you'll see on the upcoming season of MTV's "Cribs," my home is my primary indulgence. It's all about creating a casual, comfortable, and yet fantastically pimped-out environment. I like home movie theaters, state-of-the-art kitchens, indoor pools, professionally designed landscaping, fireplaces, really large showers, ample deck space, and because I love my husband, a game room and a couple of hot cars in the driveway. Just, you know, a few small trifles to get us through the day.

*You see here how I have shamelessly used this Weekly Special to whore out each of my blogs. But it is my dream, to make boatloads of money from this material someday. And here at Smartini, we do not piss on dreams.

While You Were Drinking, So Was I 6/27

As a result of yesterday's piddling performance on The Test, today has been deemed casual Friday, Pen and Andi, SINCE YOU APPEAR TO BE THE ONLY PEOPLE PAYING ATTENTION to my daily blood, sweat and tears. Real tears, y'all. Real. Tears.

Fluffy news-type stuff that isn't legit enough for real news people but would be presented from the local anchor who didn't really go to school in broadcast journalism but hey, she's cute, so stick her on TV:

An unused life jacket from the Titanic sold at Christie's in New York for $68,500. The jacket, which is filled with very heavy cork, is believed to have been found by a farmer in Halifax after the ship sank off the coast of Newfoundland in 1912.

Spain's parliament is in support of extending 'human rights' to apes. The right to life and freedom is being set into law for 'non-human hominids.' I'm really baffled by this legal move, but I bet they're going to go ape shit over it.

Check out this link to see what some celebrities' real names are. What? Who knew Gene Simmons isn't his real name? (Chaim Witz, it is.) John Wayne is not the Duke's real name! I feel so cold and alone, having been duped this whole time. This is bananers!


yellow listed: a person who does not wash their hands after urinating is placed on the 'yellow list', or they are 'yellow listed'

(from Urban Dictionary of course!)

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Just Another Day in the Life

I have just returned from a morning surf, about to munch on some organic, granola-y, brunchy stuff whipped up by my personal chef when the phone rings.

"Kristen! Hey!"

It's Kristen "Veronica Mars" Bell. You may have heard that Kristen is an animal lover, just like me. She's calling me about PUPs - People Understanding Pets - it's a non-profit organization we started together. Instead of just donating gaggles of money to animal shelters, we're working to educate children and adults about how to be proper pet owners. We're setting up lots of offices around the country for groups to go into schools and community centers for regular pet education classes. This way, we help improve pets' lives and also hopefully reduce the number of pets in shelters. (Hayden Pantie-face or whatever is also trying to get in on it, but really I'm just appeasing her to get to Milo. SHHH. Don't tell!)

Kristen and I have been great friends ever since she starred as me in the feature film based on my book. As a young attorney in the South, I uncovered all kinds of scandal and drama concerning several judges and attorneys in my city. After assisting in an under-cover investigation, I wrote the tell-all best-seller that was quickly optioned for a movie.

And...Voila! Now I'm part-time pro bono death penalty lawyer, part-time animal educator, and part-time globetrotter. I split my time between the "mountain house" in Asheville, NC, and the "beach house" in Byron Bay, Australia.

Even though I'm obsessed with living green, I will confess to indulging in the private jet. But really, it was totally necessary! How else could I cart around my dogs, my trainers and coaches, my chef, my surfboards, my bike, my massuese, my hairstylist, my shoes (because please - I need to go from day to night, from indoors to outdoors, people - that a ton of shoes), and all those doggie toys!

Enough chit-chat. My yoga instructor is coming in half an hour, and I've still got to pack for that 6 week retreat in Nepal we're going on tomorrow. But hey, if you see Matthew McConaughey, tell him I want my original African drums back!

While You Were at the Bar 6/26

News you can cruise:

Kermit Love, the designer of Big Bird's costume on Sesame Street, died this weekend in New York at the age of 91. Love also design the costumes and puppets for other Sesame Street characters, Mr. Snuffleupagus, Cookie Monster and Oscar the Grouch. Oh, and he also designed the scary ass Sunggle bear. That one, I could do without.

The U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that child rape is not punishable by death due to the fact that murder is not involved. The Court decided that death is too harsh of a punishment for child rape, no matter the circumstances of the crime. Therefore, a man in Louisiana who raped his EIGHT YEAR OLD stepdaughter and challenged his sentence, will not be put to death. Interestingly enough, both Barack Obama and John McCain disagreed with the ruling.

Pressure is mounting on Zimbabwe to cancel its presidential election scheduled for Friday. Current president Robert Mugabe is accused of using violence to threaten and scare his opposition, which lead to his opponent pulling out of the race. Many countries have declared that the election would have no credibility.

News you can booze:

The Brothel Bus that cruised Miami Beach offering drinks, lap dances and oral sex for a fee has been stopped in its tracks. Get this: the suspected operator of this whole shebang is a 29 year old woman!

Sword of the Day:

Testing: A basis for evaluation or judgment

I am just testing you to see who is actually reading and paying attention.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Bartender's Choice: Products by Amy Krouse Rosenthal

One of my favorite books, as both a reader and a writer, is Amy Krouse Rosenthal's Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life. As the Foreword proclaims, "I was not abused, abandoned, or locked up as a child. My parents were not alcoholics, nor were they ever divorced or dead. We did not live in poverty, or in misery, or in an exotic country... I have not survived against all odds. I have not lived to tell. I have not witnessed the extraordinary." Yeah, well, me either. So it gives me hope that another "ordinary" someone out there has managed to find something personal and non-fiction to write about and make into a book.

Or, as it turns out, several books. I happened on this site recently, and it lists EoaOL, along with other books and products by Amy Krouse Rosenthal. This woman's clever, y'all, and seriously cool. Every single one of these products screamed "gift!" to me: instead of a baby book, how about a Birthday Book, which chronicles a kid's birthday celebrations over 18 years. Or a book to record your little one's "sweet and amusing sayings." Thinking less as a parent and more as the naval-gazing narcissist that I am, these are both books I would have loved to see filled out about myself while growing up. Then there's good and bad Karma Checks, and the States of Mind journal, among the other gems.

I couldn't tell you how AKR managed to get this entire line of products into market, and I can't say I'd actually fork over the dough to buy any of them for our own family, but for gifts, I would give them serious consideration. And then, be advised, there are also the children's books. For all of her alleged ordinariness, I heart AKR.

Making fat bank

My millions rolled in with my ingenious invention of a teething cap that fits on Baby Bjorn and other such carriers. It's simple, but practical and keeps them from getting soggy and occupies the baby. It's just a piece of plastic with dimples and ridges to stimulate the babies gums that snaps on the folded cloth when the baby is old enough to face forward and is in the stage of putting everything in his/her mouth! It quietly flew off the shelves and I export it around the world and even started making flavored (all-naturally, of course) ones including strawberry, cherry, banana and sweet potatoe!

I would still want to live close to family, so wouldn't be permanently located anywhere exotic. And, I would also want to be practical about traveling to vacation homes, and would want to be able to use them frequently. Of course, having the full private jet that can accommodate lots of friends and family would assist in that endeavor. All the homes would have to have enough acreage to land the plane so we wouldn't have to fool with airports at all (or security? how does that work with customs?) I would want a ranch in Wyoming or possibly even Texas. And a lake house large enough to hold lots of people - the 2005 HGTV Dream home in Tyler, Texas would accomplish both of these in one! Heck, I'd take any - or all of them, because I can, right?! Then, you've got to have a beach house, so why not in Hawaii? But, I would want one closer as well, even with the jet at our disposal. And a villa in Tuscany would be pretty sweet as well, I do have to say. Any villa, how do you possibly choose? It's too much fun, forget practical, clearly.

I'm still claiming practical, though and would want to do something with my day in the adult world - perhaps tending to my charity: Turn a Deaf Ear, a school (that's more like a fun, educational summer camp) for kids with hearing and vision impairments. I've always been fascinated by sign language and Braille and the strength of people with handicaps and I would want to do something to help empower people. As much as I would want to do something to help sick people, and especially kids, I would feel so overwhelmed and depressed and would rather have something that focuses or something more positive and uplifting (unlike healing? I don't know, my mind is strange sometimes.)

I lead a quite life, but you might catch me in a picture next to Jennifer Garner. I've always felt she was so down to earth and would be a good friend and person to be around. Plus, she's my celebrity preggo buddy, so our daughters are close in age and could play together.

My other indulgences would be my children, probably clothing and decorating all of the homes. I wouldn't want to totally spoil the kids rotten, but would want them to have lots of rich experiences and a full, happy life. Also, pampering friends and family and sharing trips with them. Nothing too outlandish, really. But, I'm sure I could keep the list lengthy if I really had it to fulfill.

soul food, kittens, and louboutins (oh my!)

I love this week's weekly special. Here’s my best shot at what I’d do if I had stacks o’ cash with which to play:

1. How did you acquire/earn your fortune?

By opening a small restaurant in the village called Lucy Nell’s – named after my maternal grandmother, the cafe dishes out soul food (think shrimp and grits, collard greens, fried chicken and sweet tea) to the jaded masses of New York City. Because it became so popular, I opened outposts in LA, Miami, and, of course, Athens, Georgia.

2. Where is your primary place of residence?

I have a modest apartment in
Midtown Manhattan and a cottage in the Hamptons and a country home in Connecticut and a chalet in Aspen and a beach house in Malibu and a … okay, you get the point. Come visit, y'all!

3. Where is/are your vacation homes?

I'm rich - my entire life is a vacation, so I just have homes – no vacation homes. See question 2.

4. How do you spend your days - do you work? Volunteer? Watch tv? Lay by the pool???

Yes, yes, and yes. I stop by my restaurants to terrorize my staff (okay, not really, I just pop in and pretend to be a top chef), I volunteer at local animal shelters, and I sit by the pool. All day. But with proper SPF. : )

5. All super-rich people have them, even if only for the tax write-off: What is the name and mission of your charitable organization?

Tazzy’s Place – named after our furry son, it's a no-kill cat shelter/foster program for abandoned kitties.

6. Who is your celebrity BFF?

The entire cast of Grey’s Anatomy. And...

Liv Tyler when I need a sweet friend, Britney Spears because she needs saving, Jessica Simpson when I need to feel smart, and Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward. I don’t know why, really on that last one – they just seem like a really cool couple.

7. Other than your multiple homes, what are your other millionaire indulgences?

Two words: Christian Louboutin. And Manolo Blahnik. Oops - wait, that’s four words….hello, Jessica? Want to come over to hang at my pool…?

Are Vampires Good? I Know Not.

Where have I been while a new J.K. Rowling has possibly been crowned? WHAT IS GOING ON?

Have y'all heard about Twilight, a super big hit with the young adult crowd (and plain ol' adult crowd too), about a vampire and his new love?

Help me out here... Do I need to rush off to the library for this? I was hesitant about my good friend Harry in the beginning too, so do I ignore my initial reaction to vampire stories and pick it up anyway?

If there is something as fun and intriguing as HP out there and I have been skipping along, tra-la-la, without it, I'm going to be ticked. Apparently I have issues with feeling the need to read books geared toward middle schoolers. I repeat: WHAT IS GOING ON?

(I did read that there isn't a lick of sex in the book (and subsequent books, come to find out) so maybe a good trashy romance novel is in order? Those heaving bosoms and bulging rods are definitely not geared toward middle schoolers. Therapy for my juvenile brain, perhaps?)

While You Were at the Bar 6/25

News you can use:

Florida Governor Charlie Crist, who promised to be 'the Everglades governor,' is holding true to his word. He announced yesterday morning a deal to buy out U.S. Sugar for $1.75 billion and regain control of over 187,000 acres of Everglades land that had been turned into farmland by the company. Holy. Cow. That is some serious eco-environmento-goodness right there.

Former U.S. Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan called the U.S. economy 'on the brink' of a recession. You think? If only a recession was more about recess and less about -ion.

Apparently Senator Barack Obama has asked his top contributors to help Senator Hillary Clinton with her $10 million debt. Clinton will be at an Obama fundraiser Thursday night and the pair will campaign together on Friday in New Hampshire. Look at these two, making nice! Is it for the Democratic party as a whole or for a Dream Ticket? One wonders...

News you can lose:

Shaq is losing his special deputy badge after the tough sheriff who issued them got wind of his recent rap about Kobe Bryant. Shaq used words that Sheriff Joe Arpaio found unacceptable and is calling for his badges back. Oooh, Shaq, don't be making Sheriff Arpaio mad! He'll make you wear pink underwear!

Word of the Day:

glutinous \GLOOT-nuhs\, adjective: of the nature of glue; resembling glue; sticky

I really need to hit the gym and work on my glutinous maximus. Wait, what? Oh! I mean my gluteus maximus is rather glutinous as it is stuck to the couch.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Laying Pipe In The Ladies Room

Imagine my surprise when I head into a bathroom stall (in a very old building, mind you) and find myself face to face with this:

PSA: Celebrity Family Feud

Survey says? This bartender will be watching CELEBRITY FAMILY FEUD tonight on NBC.

We've got:
-a classic game show that I loved as a kid
-the charming Al Roker as our host
-an amusing lineup of celebrity casts and families
-not a whole lot else to watch!

Given this set of ingredients, we're sure to be served a fun, refreshing cocktail of a show that will totally hit the spot on this summer night. Right?

Okay, I admit it's totally nerdy, but I. can't. wait.


Tuesday Tickler: Caption This

As a dog lover, this photo, from MSNBC's Week In Pictures, makes me laugh. I can see Roxanne's little wheels turning, can't you?


While You Were at the Bar 6/24

News you can use:

Comedian George Carlin, 71, died Sunday from heart failure. Carlin is most famous for his routine 'Seven Words' in which he lists the seven words that aren't allowed to be said on television. You know, I never have seen the 'Seven Words' show, and since I always hear about it on TV, I've never heard what they are!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Barack Obama used a very presidential-like seal on a podium at a meeting with Democratic governors last week and is regretting it now. In addition to the seal, which has a bald eagle and the words 'Vero Possumus' on it (which roughly translates to 'Yes We Can') on it, there were also blue curtains and a row of American flags. Looking rather presumptuously presidential, wouldn't you say? I'm sorry, what? I didn't get any further than the fact that it had the word Possumus on it. AH HAHAHA! You'd think the man was from Tennessee.

United Airlines announced that they will be laying off 950 pilots in an effort to cut domestic capacity in the wake of rising fuel costs. Raise your hand if you think this less flights and seats news is good for travelers? Seeing none, I deem this SHITTY.

News you can lose:

A few new game shows, which are inspired by those in Japan, are coming to your airwaves tonight. ABC is premiering 'Wipeout' and 'I Survived a Japanese Game Show' both of which have taken cues from the pure humiliation mantra of Japanese shows. David and I saw a few previews for 'Wipeout' and we just laughed and laughed. It was the same thing over and over (people going through an impossible obstacle course and fantastically crashing and burning) but we didn't care. I'm there, ABC.

Word of the Day:

capacious \kuh-PAY-shuhs\, adjective: able to contain much; roomy; spacious
Smartini Bar is very capacious, with plenty of seating for patrons and all their closest friends. Besides, how else are you going to see Ashley dancing on the bar if you don't have any room? Right, Ash?

Monday, June 23, 2008

Recommended by EX TV MDs

It's been a long time since I've laughed out loud at an ad. Leave it to Neil Patrick Harris to deliver this bit of awesomeness:

Text at the top: "Body odor protection recommended by former TV doctors, like me." -Neil Patrick Harris, EX TV MD.

At the bottom: "You don't need a real doctor to get protection against the torment of chronic body odor and wetness. You need Old Spice Pro Strength Antiperspirant. It's prescription-strength wetness protection without the prescription. Take it from me, I used to be a fake doctor."

As a discerning consumer, I totally appreciate this kind of advertising genius.

The Waffle Mansion

Today I am a multi-millionaire! Wahoo!

Gosh, it seems like yesterday that I was just a hundred-aire (if yesterday was right after payday, of course). Time sure does fly when you make a boatload of money by introducing the uninitiated to the Waffle House. Every college town in America should have one, because we all know that students need cheap food served up by someone who calls you 'hon' at 2 am after you have hit the bar and are feeling a bit famished. I opened up a WH in a few towns in need of some all day breakfast and I was golden.

Mmm... scattered and covered hash browns... cheese eggs... But I digress.

WH money isn't at all greasy, like you might imagine. It spends just as well as any other, really. It spent well enough to buy me a kick ass ranch in Texas with more acres than you can count. And chock full o' cows and horses, too. Livin' the ranch lifestyle, we are, with nothing to do but play with the animals and spend our hash brown lovin' money.

Oh, sure, we keep busy, what with all the horse shows and rodeos for the girls and all. And I have to keep up with my tan by the pool, which can take up a fair portion of a girl's day, if she lets it. (There are magazines that need to be read, and beer that needs to be drunk, people!)

Working off all those late night visits to the WH is important since I am routinely photographed at new restaurants posing with the grease trap and whatnot. So maybe a little boxing, a few surfing lessons and a few miles jogging, just for good measure.

When we aren't on the road in our brand new Chevy hauling the ritziest horse trailer you have ever seen, we jet on off to one of our other homes for a quick vacay. St. Thomas is so nice, no matter what time of the year so I absolutely insist that we go there at least ten times a year. The ranch in Wyoming is nice too, as is the lake house, so we find ourselves at each throughout the year. Friends and family make nice accessories to most trips, so we have a plane large enough to accommodate the whole group. Of course.

When I say friends, I certainly include Kelly Ripa in that group. She and I get along so famously that we are practically glued at the hip, and it's so hard to tell who the paps are after! You can imagine how we spend the hours drinking tasty drinks, talking children and biz and having an all around good time. Since she is my arm muscle role model, it's nice to have her around for motivation to do all those bicep curls. Eeevery now and then she and I might step out to the club scene, just to keep the fans happy and all.

In addition to all of my hard work on my tan, curling with Kelly, and shopping in general, I do have a cause that is near and dear to my heart. The Drag Your Ass to Class fund is so important on campuses across the country. Deserving students are awarded scholarships for going to class when they really don't feel like it. I personally would have benefited greatly from having such a motivating factor in my college career, and there is nothing more special than seeing a student who hasn't bathed and still reeks of alcohol making it to their 8:30. We are enabling success with the DYAC award and I couldn't be more proud.

Besides, who do you think is going to keep my Waffle House invested self in business but the hasn't bathed, alcohol reeking frat boy?

While You Were at the Bar 6/23

News you can use:

It was announced Sunday that Tom Brokaw will host NBC's "Meet the Press" through the November election. Brokaw stepped down from hosting "Nightly News" in 2004 as the nation's most popular news anchor and was a close friend of Tim Russert's. I am a Brokaw fan, and I think I would probably believe anything he tells me.

Saturday's thunderstorms in California are responsible for starting hundreds of wildfires. One fire, sparked by lightening, had spread over six square miles and was 35 percent contained as of Sunday evening. Don't you just wish you could take all that extra rain from Iowa and funnel it over to Cali? Sheesh.

In a tragic accident Saturday, a passenger ferry in the Philippines capsized when it was caught in a typhoon. Over 800 people were on board, including small children. Twenty-eight survivors have been found after floating at sea for over 24 hours and reported total pandemonium when the boat began to turn on its side. The typhoon, which has killed 155 people in central and southern Philippines is now headed towards Taiwan. (Karen, is this near your mom's people?)

News you can lose:

Naomi Campbell was found guilty of assault Friday and sentenced to 200 hours of community work. Apparently Ms. Campbell got a little violent on a British Airways flight to L.A. and accused one of the BA employees of making a racial slur. Doesn't she know that the Brits are the most well mannered people around?

Word of the Day:

Brobdingnagian \brob-ding-NAG-ee-uhn\, adjective: of extraordinary size; gigantic; enormous.

Holy smokes! Brobdingnagian is such a Brobdingnagian word!

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Order Up: Exaggeration

Drinking and embellishing the truth seem to go hand in hand, don't they? Whether it's your age you're lying about (fake ID, anyone?), your profession or simply 'I'm not drunk!', the bar scene is full of tale tellers. And this week, so are we.

Your lovely bartenders will be exercising our wild imagination and filling you with all sorts of 'truths' about the latest turn of events in our lives, because now we are multi-millionaires. You will hear about how we acquired our fortune, how we spend it and even who our new celebrity BFF is (among other purely factual information).

Don't worry, loyal patrons! Much like the man who wins the lottery and plans to keep working, but perhaps upgrade from a single wide to a double wide, we will keep tending bar despite our vast amounts of fat cash. Maybe we can put our loot to good use and upgrade the bar a bit?

Friday, June 20, 2008

I would SO win this show

Some little girls dream of diamonds, boyfriends, and weddings.

I dreamed of going on Road Rules. The less-watched sibling of MTV's Real World, I vividly remember watching the marathon of Road Rules: Europe and could. not. wait. to emulate their tequila body shots and running with the bulls. The latter was never accomplished; sadly, I believe the former was :(

They always got to go on grand adventures, do daring feats, and drive a damn cool winnebago thingy. Plus, they got to meet up with the Real World-ers and beat their asses at the competition. It was perfect.

Then came The Amazing Race - a Survivor/Road Rules hybrid show. I adore the concept of this show, but for whatever reason it has never made its way permanently into my repertoire. Whenever I watch it, I love it, but I never seem to remember when it's on. I've often thought going on with my dad, who is almost 70 years old, would be awesome. My friend Nici and I also discussed our "gimick" as being the Nic/kis to get us on. But, Andi already picked it and so in the interest of diversity, I'll go with my other pick:

The Mole.

This show wraps up everything I love in life: travel, mystery, solving puzzles. It's fantastic. When it first premiered, Anderson Cooper hosted, and I was giddy that someone from Channel One was on prime time. I will be honest that I have never completed a season, and at this time have only seen part of the new (possibly improved?) The Mole. It may not make great TV, but I think that's because the tension is in the everyday playing, and that can't really be captured on screen.

I couldn't care less what the prize is. Winning is the only prize I need. Remember when I played the UVA Law Assassin game? I don't even know the prize, but I sure do remember my winning moment. The Mole sort of reminds me of that. It's a fight to the death, and you've got to figure out who the betrayer is. Someone get me a video camera. I think I need to make an audition video ASAP.

WTFriday: On a lighter note...

Celine Dion announces her new partnership with DuPont to sell a new line of Teflon® bodysuits.

I'm going to get one in red, I think. Or maybe blue...? I can wear it out on the town AND bake cookies on it!

WTFriday: Teen girls made pact to get pregnant

Click here for today's WTF.

I'm at a loss for words here. I mean, a PACT to get pregnant at 15? One of the fathers/sperm donors/whatever is a 24 year old HOMELESS guy. Seriously?

I'd like to come up with something witty here, but this just baffles me. And sickens me a little.

Happy WTFriday, girls...

At the very least I would like a Barcalounger.

What reality TV show would I be on, and why?

Let me start by saying that if I were a *slightly* less sensitive person, I would be on Survivor. I heart Survivor, maybe because I would never make it three hours on the show. Well, maybe one day and a night. But as soon as hunger kicked in the next morning, my demise would be quick.

Here are the facts:
*I sunburn easily.
*I require sleep.
*I require good, comfortable sleep.
*I am a bug magnet. They find me, they suck my blood, I swell.
*I don't respond well to hunger.
*I lose my head, actually, if very hungry. Can't focus. Very unpleasant to have a conversation with.
*I wear contacts. Wouldn't they dry up, and/or get sand on them? The very fact that I worry about this ridiculous, tiny matter proves that I would be a horrible Survivor contestant.
*I could never wear a bathing suit on national TV. Much less a Survivor BUFF as a bikini top. I think all females under the age of say, 35, are required to do so, and if they don't, they're considered totally uncool.
*I would totally cry if my camped burned down. Especially if my Magic 8 ball went with it.
*I can swim, but I'm not that good a swimmer.
*I'm going to be useless at challenges if I'm hungry and not well-rested. Might as well be one of the animals out there.
*Which, speaking of, not a big fan of the animals, either. Snakes, spiders, RATS, and who knows what other furry, slimy scary beasties are lurking under a rock. Yipe. Next Survivor, there's supposed to be elephants and gorillas and hippos walking around. I have nightmares about these things. I mean, they're fine in theory. Just not at my campsite.
*I would totally miss my family. I tear up just thinking about the video that J.Lo, K.Lo, and N.Lo would send me 20-some days in. I would be in little Penelope pieces all over the jungle floor.
*I might fly under the radar as a strategy, since I tend to blend into the walls, but I feel like I might be terrible at the game otherwise. I mean, it's one thing for me to be all, "IT'S A GAME, PEOPLE!" from the comfort of my own living room, but in "reality," I might be just as offended if someone wrote my name down on that parchment. I might take it personally, even if I knew in theory that it's absolutely stupid to do so. The unavailability of burgers and fries, not to mention a Tempurpedic mattress pad, out there in the wild might be doing the talking more than my Super Badass Survivor-Playing Self.

But I still really, really want to be on the show. Because it's Survivor, man. Camping, strategy, pushing your own physical limits. A shot at a million dollars! And in the immortal words of last season's Erik the Ice Cream Scooper, "Look, it's Jeff Probst, he's standing right there!" (Or something to that goofy, starry-eyed effect.)

Let me end by saying that because I am a sensitive girl and this Survivor dream just isn't going to happen, I'd at the very least like to be on Wheel of Fortune. It's true. Is WoF even a reality show? Probably not, but I'm going to make it mine, anyway. I'm certainly not going to go on The Real World, my brain might explode. So, WoF: Everyone's so happy on there, and the puzzles are totally workable, especially on a full stomach. And no one goes home a loser. As Pat Sajak once noted, on certain other games shows, which may or may not begin with a "J" and rhyme with "Schmeopardy," if you lose, they don't even send you home with a Barcalounger. At WoF, they give you a thousand bucks just for your trouble. But I would totally get to the Bonus round, with a lot of money and a vacation or two under my belt. I'm sure of it.

While You Were at the Bar 6/20

News you can use:

Senator Barack Obama announced today that he will not participate in the public financing system for his presidential campaign. This means that he does not have fundraising or spending limits, unlike all of the previous presidential candidates since 1971, when the public finance system was established, whom have chosen to participate. Apparently B.O. feels that he raise much more than the 84 million he would be given under public support. Fundraise, schmundraise, right Obamakins?

President Bush toured flooded areas of Iowa yesterday. His administration has promised a multi billion dollar disaster relief fund to help the victims of the floods. These floods are going to hurt us all, not just the Iowans, kids. Hopefully the water will recede soon and the farmers can get back to doing their thang. OhPleaseOhPleaseOhPlease.

Members of Congress have come to an agreement on the rules regarding wiretapping by the government. It allows the government to use broad warrants with regard to foreign targets. American targets can be wiretapped when deemed an emergency, without a court order, for one week. Is there such a thing as internet tapping? Wait! I think that's called our RSS Feed.

News you can lose:

Jamie Lynn Spears and fiance Casey Aldridge welcomed a baby girl, Maddie Briann, Thursday morning at a south Louisiana hospital.

Word of the Day:

hyperbole, noun: extravagant exaggeration.

Somebody better get that hyperbole some Ritalin! Speaking of Ritalin, little kids are so prone to hyperbole with their tall tales and such.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Her T Back Strikes Back

Did she just do that?

Woman suing over thong injury

Macrida Patterson is suing Vicky Secret over a thong that injured her, and she went on the TODAY show and talked about it. It wasn't the 'this thing rode up and chapped my ass' kind of injury as you might expect, but an eye injury. For real.

My first thought was that someone was doing some inevitable sling shot type shenanigans and popped her in the face, but no. The little decorative heart on the thong broke loose and the staple holding it on (or not holding it on, as it were) hit her in the eye.

That sucks, for sure, but I damn sure wouldn't sue over it, and then go on national TV and talk about my skivvies. Especially when it could be presumed by some that perhaps the little string was under an undue amount of stress as it stretched over my healthy hips and popped loose. NoWayInHell.

Hopefully my hips/ass will never be the subject of a national television show. The Internets, however, that's another story...

While You Were at the Bar 6/19

News you can use:

Sports news has Tiger Woods winning the U.S. Open and the Boston Celtics winning the NBA Championship. Just soes you knows.

A gas station owner in West Virginia has quit taking credit cards, due to the cost of processing them. As the price of gas goes up, so does the fee station owners pay to the credit card companies (which is typically a percentage of the sale). Who knows if this will pick up as a trend, but don't be surprised if it does. I used to work at the central office of a gas station chain and let me tell you, credit card fees are a sore subject, no joke.

Yesterday was the funeral for Tim Russert in Washington. It sounds like a very lovely service, indeed.

News you can lose:

The downturn in the economy hurts business everywhere, even the cathouses in Nevada. Business is slow, y'all, but I wonder if it's less about the economy and more about people taking lessons from this man?

Word of the Day:

cogent, adjective: having the power to compel conviction; appealing to the mind or to reason; convincing.

While studying geometry I thought the terms were 'cogent' and 'tangent', but my teacher was very cogent in convincing me that I was wrong.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Eat your veggies - even better with cheese!

Last week, Penelope posted a fabulous recipe for BBQ. As promised, here's a great side dish to serve with it (or any meal, really):

Yellow Rice Casserole

1 (5oz) package of yellow rice
1 (12oz) can of mexi-corn
1 medium onion (can omit, or we usually buy the bag of already diced frozen onion)
1 (8oz) can of English peas, drained
1 (10.5oz) can Cream of Chicken soup
1 (8oz) carton of sour cream
1/2 stick of butter
2 cups grated cheese (usually use cheddar or some mixture)

~Cook rice according to package (note: may require additional melted butter or olive oil and takes about 20 minutes)
~Blend soup, sour cream and melted butter
~Combine all other ingredients except cheese
~Place in casserole dish and bake at 350 for 25 minutes
~Sprinkle cheese on top and place back into the over until melted

How Amazing it would be

What Reality show would I be on and why?

I knew my answer for this week's topic as soon as Megan sent it to me. Hubby & I love watching The Amazing Race and have always talked about the awesome experience it would be to be on it together.

I think he has more confidence in me than I have in myself, though, because deep down, it makes me nervous to think about traveling through unfamiliar places - especially with the added stress of doing it fast and without mistakes! I feel good about my role as co-pilot, navigator, reading the map and his role of driving, but there's still pressure to make sure I lead us in the right direction and get us there! Then, some of the challenges -- they can really be physically trying, but he thinks of me as more athletic than I think of myself. Or jumping out of a plane?! He has total confidence I'd be able to do it. For Amazing Race and a shot at a million bucks *might* be the only chance in hell. But even then, I'd probably hesitate. Hopefully, I wouldn't freak out. He has little patience for those that don't suck it up, so I can imagine it would be hard and tense.

Also, to have our relationship under the microscope and on national TV is a little unnerving for me as well. We can be smart asses to each other and what if we came off as THAT annoying couple that adds all of the drama to the show? Or would the editing show that I was being totally unreasonable when I get pissed off or bitch at him (because I'm sure it would be warranted in reality, but makes for better TV to chop it up a bit, right?)

I have a friend that has actually sent in application videos with her uncle to be on the show and it would be so awesome to know someone on the show, and I can say, she would definitely be an entertaining character to watch! Her southern accent ("Spiiiiite") and high-end taste would make for some quality show watching.

Some other considerations:
I would secretly love to rock it on America's Next Top Model, but do not have the confidence or skills. Same with American Idol or So You Think You Can Dance - if I could dance or sing, those would be awesome! Do game shows count? Because I'd love for Hubby to be on Are you Smarter Than a 5th Grader. Again, I'm not sure I'd want to take a test on national Television, but would love for him to win us some money!

While You Were at the Bar 6/18

News you can use:

If you understand things like space, and physics and atmospheres, a) you are way smarter than me and b) you will probably think this is cool. Apparently, from what I gather, tonight's moonrise is going to play a trick on you and make you think that the moon is HUGE. Something about it being near the horizon....solstice...something. Just watch for the moon to come up and prepare to be amazed.

A ceasefire, facilitated by the Egyptians, has been reached between Israel and Palestine. It will go into effect tonight at 11 pm (6 am Thursday in Israel).

All of the nasty flooding in Iowa is starting to have an affect on Illinois and Missouri as the Mississippi River is breaking levees as it crests. More people have been evacuated and the mighty Miss is expected to crest near St. Louis with near record levels.

News you can lose:

In honor of Andi's big trip to Italy, I would like to report that that country's paramilitary police, the Carabinieri, are outlawed from having lovers. They don't want such scandalous things to mar the force's name. TOO BAD FOR YOU, ANDI! No Italian military policeman lovers!

Word of the Day:

dilatory \DIL-uh-tor-ee\, adjective: given to procrastination or intended to cause delay

Because I am horribly dilatory, I will put off creating a sentence until tomorrow.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

A Letter to Trading Spaces/While You Were Out/Insert HGTV show here

Dear Home-Improvement Reality TV Show (I really don't care which one):

I need your help.

I inherited our house when my now husband Chris and I moved in together in 2006, just shortly before we got engaged. Upon moving in, it became very obvious that Chris hadn't done much in the ways of decorating when he moved in back in 2001. Which is a shame, because the woman who lived there before Chris was colorblind or just flat out lacked taste. This woman - who is actually an interior decorator (a really, really bad one) had an obsession with dark drapes in plaid and paisley, adorned fabric poufs in the same color scheme.

In short, the window dressings made the place look like a hunting lodge decorated by Laura Ashley.

So, I slowly went to work - taking down the drapes, stripping the paisley wallpaper from the kitchen and repainting, stripping the dark navy paisley (notice a trend here?) wallpaper from the half bath and painting the walls a soft get the picture. It's taken me two years, but I'm making inroads.

But it's not enough, and I know it. The carpet needs to be pulled. And steam cleaned, again. Many of the walls need new coats of paint. I need to change the lighting concept. Some of the furniture is old and seems out of place.

Worst of all - and this may be the sticking point for Chris - my house is overrun by pictures of the Rat Pack, Boston Red Sox memorabilia, and random sports pictures from hockey games, baseball games, etc. My living room no longer looks like that hunting lodge, but it still looks a little like a game room.

So, HGTV, TLC, ABC, BBC...whomever: Help me. I'll be the best guest/contestant on your reality TV show, ever.


A Morning Shot of Butterbeer

Funny, sobering, inspiring: A friend sent me a link to the transcript of JK Rowling's Commencement speech at this year's Harvard graduation. I was not previously aware of JK's early work experience with Amnesty International; the speech illuminates even more the thoughts and experience that informed her writing of Harry Potter.

Regardless, I just love her and would read what she had to say on just about anything. If she penned a car owner's manual, I'd probably pre-order it on amazon for $17.95. Anyway, read and enjoy.

Tuesday Tickler... Ewww!

From this MSNBC Photo Blog page, we have a man who is trying to perform a Tuesday Tickler on himself. I CAN SEE SACK, Y'ALL. This is so wrong, in so many ways.

From the comments section: ANYAmyDallas "Last time I did this I ended up pregnant...and it wasn't done in the name of was in the name of Jack Daniels."

Why can't I look away from this nuttiness? It's like a big nutty car wreck.

While You Were at the Bar 6/17

News you can use:

All of the terrible flooding in Iowa is going to hurt the already painful price of food. It's estimated that the corn production in Iowa will be short by 5 million acres, or 700 million bushels. In light of all this, corn traded at an all time high at the Chicago Board of Trade on Monday. Holy crap, this is getting insane.

A May 15th ruling in California that legalized same sex marriages took effect Monday at 5:01 pm. Several county clerks extended their hours yesterday to issue marriage licenses, and some couples married on the spot. One notable marriage yesterday was that of a lesbian couple who have been together 55 years and are currently in their 80's. Wow.

My not BFF Al Gore officially endorsed Barack Obama yesterday. I swear, if Al gets the veep nod I will writhe in pain on the floor. (While I generally try to keep my political views out of sight, I cannot help it when it comes to my pal Al. I know, I'll be shunned to some melting ice cap somewhere, but after witnessing the big, nasty kiss he laid on Tipper at the convention, there's just this haze over him that tells me he is just WRONG... Stepping down from the soapbox now.)

News you can lose:

A deal for Sirius Satellite Radio to acquire XM Satellite Radio is nearing completion. Aww, and here I was really enjoying those XM commercials with the rap guy and his wave teeth!

Word of the Day:

prink \PRINGK\, transitive verb: 1. To dress up; to deck for show 2. To dress or arrange oneself for show; to primp

Al Gore is such a prink. (Ok, really, I'm done. For today, or right now, whichever comes first.)

Monday, June 16, 2008

My Reality: Part Deux

It's a Monday, and as such, I thought I would treat you to a little peek into why my reality involves poop.

But it's a good reason, so I'm not complaining:

Ashley Kate, helping her mama compose witty blog posts

All psyched for Father's Day in her 'I Heart Daddy' shirt

My Reality: Trivia, Poop, Food and Clothes

It's time to face reality, y'all.

This whole week we are going to dish about which reality show or shows we would like to be on and why and I am the lucky girl who gets to go first. Much like the 5 Men list, I'm going to stake my claim early, but I have a feeling that once again, no one is going to repeat my choices. I'm still a little miffed by that, because why don't you girls think The Rock, and all his Samoan goodness, is good looking? Clearly I feel the need to be validated... moving on...

Cash Cab- A very special cab in New York City that's driven by a man who asks you trivia questions while driving you to your destination. The ceiling of the cab lights up, to give you that game show type feel, but hey, you're still in a cab. David and I have watched this show and shouted answers to the TV, much like Jeopardy, but in a way cooler, no snide Alex Trebek way. One stipulation for being on this show is that I would have to have David with me. The man is a freakin' vault of knowledge, for those *few* times that I may not know the answer. We would make BANK on Cash Cab, and get a free ride out of the deal!

Dirty Jobs- I love Mike Rowe. Not in a 5 Men way, but I feel like he would be a kick ass brother. He does some really, really dirty and nasty jobs on the show but I think it would still be fun. And I would get some great stories from it which would make me the most popular guest at the next cocktail party. Nothing like yammering on about poo to make the people love me! Wait, I might already do that anyway, given my chosen career path... Ah, well, then Mike and I would be BFF. Perhaps I could be Mike's sidekick? Although, while I would be game for most of the nastiness I have seen him do, the turkey insemination one is a no go. Heeell no.

Iron Chef America- Who wouldn't love to be in ginormous Kitchen Stadium with all that fancy equipment and stainless steel? I am in no way a gourmet chef like all of the other contestants but that wouldn't stop me from dragging my happy ass in there and cooking up a some delish treats to eat. I would, perhaps, require that the secret ingredient be something like salt so I could make some Sunday covered dish type things and not have to worry about incorporating something nasty, like fish eyeballs, into my mac and cheese. Those poor judges need a break from horseradish ice cream and the like, and deserve to get their hands on some caramel bars! Just as long as they don't hold me responsible when they become addicted and then before you know it caramel bars are the secret ingredient.

What Not to Wear- I seriously want to be on this show, but not really since they video unsuspecting people in their sloppiest of outfits and broadcast it to the whole world. So that one time that I go out of the house in some old ratty T-shirt because I was just, oh I don't know, scrubbing the toilet and needed a Diet Coke pick me up from McDonald's, gets put out there for everyone to see. I SWEAR I DON'T DRESS LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME I would say, and I would probably be a little upset by the whole thing until they handed me a $5K Visa card. I have a feeling that I might get over it then, and they can have my whole wardrobe to burn. What do I care? I've got five thousand dollars to do some major damage with! And besides, at least I don't have something from high school still in my closet like some of those people! Oh, wait, there is that blue sequined majorette outfit with the shake-shake-shake fringe on it... But it's not like I wear it... I wouldn't have to toss that, would I?

It is very clear to me, after looking over this list, that I watch too much cable TV. I'll turn it to CBS, right after Dirty Jobs is over. No, then it's Deadliest Catch. Gotta watch that too. Hmmm. I'll get back to you on that.

While You Were at the Bar 6/16

News you can use:

Tim Russert, the long running host of NBC's "Meet the Press" and its Washington Bureau chief, died Friday from a heart attack. NBC devoted several hours of airtime to Russert and his career over the weekend. On Sunday, his chair on the set of "Meet the Press" was empty while the whole hour was spent remembering a great fixture in the world of political journalism.

Tiger Woods forced a playoff in the U.S. Open, set for today, when he tied Rocco Mediate on Sunday. The situation at Torrey Pines was do or die for Woods when he hit the last putt to tie. (Read the article and feel like a fifth grader when you laugh at the term 'stroke play.')

Senator Barack Obama spoke at the Apostolic Church of God in Chicago on Sunday. His 30 minute message was about the role and responsibilities of being a father. Obama has stated that he is looking for a new church to join but probably will not make a decision before next year.

News you can lose:

There are now official rules regarding etiquette and Facebook. To poke or not to poke? How to respond to an unwanted poke? What about your profile picture? (Perhaps Tempe can shed a little light on the profile pic issue for us?)

Word of the Day:

claque \KLACK\, noun: 1. A group hired to applaud at a performance 2. A group of fawning admirers

Would you, our readers be so kind as to act as our claque? Much appreciated.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Brangelina Strikes Back

I never get my Entertainment Weekly on time, I always get it either on a Saturday, or even the following Monday or Tuesday after it comes out. I never, ever get it on a Friday. Ever. And I have been subscribing to the magazine for a long time. So imagine my surprise-turned-horror when I opened the mailbox this afternoon, first spying the EW header (cool!), and then realizing who the effing eff was on the cover.

That's right. The Brangelina Monster strikes again. It knew about my Weekly Special post before I even wrote it, I am sure. It spied on my brain, somehow, as only the Brangelina Monster is able, and orchestrated this nefarious plot to deliver this specific issue of EW to my mailbox early and send its message: YOU WILL NOT AVERT YOUR EYES FROM BRANGELINA. And true, I am now stuck with the damn thing in my living room until the next issue comes out. The Brangelina Monster is crafty, my friends, very crafty, and apparently not above getting personal. Sending me Angelina's giant head on an EW mag platter? I didn't see that one coming.

Ciao Bellas!

I'm off to ITALY!!

Hold down the fort for me, ladies. . .talk to you in 10 days or so.

Flying on Friday the 13th, that deserves a WTF, right?!

Don't Cheer, You'll Get Thrown in the Clink

You have got to be kidding me.

Arrested for cheering at graduation? This is assinine and the stodgey people who instituted it are assinine asses. Who have ass shaped corn cobs up their asses.

Come on, people, it's high school graduation! Which may be, in fact, the last time some kids will walk across a stage in a cap and gown. Let their parents and friends celebrate them! Or, if you must, just fine them a little. But arresting them? WTF?

PS: If I am going to get handcuffed and booked for making a little noise at a graduation, you better beleive I would go down with guns blazing. Air horns, noise makers, the whole bit. And maybe a big beach ball. Yeah, a beach ball. Even though it doesn't make noise, I don't care. Oh, and silly string! Some of that too. Take that, graduation nazis!

My Love for Pop Culture News, Interrupted

Dear Two-Headed Monster Known Also by the Name BRANGELINA,
First, props. I do acknowledge that:
1. Each of you is empirically beautiful. Even though, Brad, when everyone else had a crush on you in high school, I thought you looked like a monkey. And then later in college, I heard that you smell like one, too. It's rumored that you fart a lot on set? Is that true? Never mind, I don't want to think about it. Angelina, I totally used to love you, thought you were a total hottie badass, particularly loved you in "Girl, Interrupted." Back then. Before you grew a second head.

2. You all do a lot of charity work, and I can't say anything bad about that. You truly are using your celebrity for good, in a lot of ways. Kudos to you.

BUT. Every time I hear a mere whisper of the phenomena that is Brangelina, my eye begins to twitch. Can we say most. overexposed. couple. in Hollywood? And I cannot hop on board this train, because






Brangelina Monster, I don't care that you're building a small nation of children faster than Melissa Duggar and soon will have to install wheeled luggage racks to each child in order to get through the airport. I don't care about your fancy-schmanzy new castle and compound overseas. I don't care where you're going, where you've been, and what giant pair of sunglasses you wore on your face while pretending not to love the crowds and cameras that surrounded you every step of the way. I don't care what freaky-ass names you're going to come up with for the twins, or what they look like in the womb. I don't care about your newfound, glassy-eyed serenity and your inevitable Canonization into sainthood. I don't care what brand of toilet paper you use, either, but my ambivalence is moot, because Brangelina Monster, you are everywhere. Impossible to escape.

I don't get why people revere the Brangelina Monster, aside from the aforementioned concessions of beauty and sainthood. I suppose the reverence is fine to some degree, but the reverence feeds the media's need to follow the Brangelina Monster even more, which feeds the reverence all over again, which feeds the media, and on and on and on. And all of this feeding causes the Brangelina Monster to grow, and grow, and grow. Leaving the innocent population nowhere to hide.

So, good luck to you, Brangelina Monster, with your marriage, your children, your movies, your interviews with the starry-eyed Ann Curry, your FAT bank account, and your quest to take over--er, save--the world. Just know that this typically pop-culture obsessed girl couldn't care less, and will continue to avert her eyes from your allegedly blinding beauty, and oppose your campaign for world domination with more than a little snark.

Sending you a Fruit Basket of Love,

While You Were at the Bar 6/13

News you can use:

They were afraid of this: People in Cedar Rapids, Iowa were forced to evacuate after the Cedar River came out of its banks and flooded downtown. Over 100 city blocks are flooded, and it may get worse before it gets better as forecasters are calling for more rain.

Exxon Mobil, the world's largest publicly traded oil company, is getting out of the retail business. Currently the company owns over 2,200 gas stations which it will be selling off. The other 9,800 Exxon branded gas stations, which it does not own, will remain open.

The Supreme Court ruled Thursday that detainees at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba can challenge their detention in federal court. The decision was a close one, 5-4, with the majority made up of the liberal contingent of Justices.

News you can lose:

We promise to never serve you so many tasty drinks that you would ever consider getting all wild and wound up and having sex in a place like this.

Word of the Day:

raconteur: one who excels in telling stories and anecdotes

OR: raconteur: see Smartini Girls

Thursday, June 12, 2008

What Kind of Crack Do They Smoke?

Re: Brangelina

I have no real opinion of their relationship; it seems to work for them, so hallelujah that someone out there is happy.

I just do not understand their desire to have 8,073 children. Really. Kudos for saving some kids. Seriously. And Bravo for all the humanitarian work you do. Not a whole lot bad I can say about that. In fact, I wish more people were like these two in that regard.

One thing irks me, though. When they adopted little Pax from Vietnam(?), he was already like 2 years old. He already had a name. It really upset me that not only were they totally uprooting him from the only world he knew and bringing him to this totally alien place, but they were also stripping him of his name. I thought that was rather harsh.

That's all I got, guys. My dog is wreaking havoc on my laundry as we speak.

*Tried to post yesterday, but blogger wouldn't let me!*

While You Were at the Bar 6/12

News you can use:

Iowans suffered yet another weather travesty Wednesday when a tornado touched down in the western part of the state at a Boy Scout camp, killing 4 Scouts. An unknown number of scouts were injured in the twister, which is stretching Iowa's emergency response teams dangerously thin. It's not just corn fields and pigs in Iowa, people. So sad.

Pluto, which was demoted two years ago to a dwarf planet, has been assigned a new name: plutoid. Actually, plutoid is the name given to all dwarf planets. Poor Pluto, you will always be a planet to me! MyVeryEfficientMotherJustServedUsNinePizzas PIZZAS, PLUTO!

Senator Barack Obama's chief member of his VP search committee has stepped down. Jim Johnson has faced fire for allegedly receiving private loans at below market rates from Countrywide, after he left his position as the head of mortgage giant Fannie Mae. Looks like Johnson is out on his Fannie, Mae. Perhaps he could use a hip pair of jeans?

News you can lose:

Forbes announced their Top 100 list of most powerful celebrities, with Oprah topping the list once again. The rankings, which are based on income and star power, have one Ms. Angelina Jolie at #3 and Brad Pitt at #10.

Word of the Day:

cudgel: a short heavy stick used as a weapon; a club

Do not let some of the Smartini girls get their hands on a cudgel when they have a run in with AJP as they may beat her about the head and neck.

OR: Did you see that cow's cudgel? SICK!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Cook It, Shred It, Stuff It

A super-easy recipe for:


1 medium onion, chopped
1/2 cup ketchup
1/3 cup cider vinegar
1/4 cup tomato paste (optional)*
1/4 cup packed brown sugar
1 to 2 tbsp paprika (to taste)
2 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
2 tbsp mustard
1 1/4 tsp salt
1 1/4 tsp pepper
1-2 lbs pork tenderloin

First, let me explain about the tenderloin. Yes, it's more expensive than so many other cuts of pork, but it's worth it. So worth it. Not only will the BBQ ultimately taste better, but you'll have a much easier time cooking it. There's so much less fat on a tenderloin, you barely have to trim it, and while it's cooking, you don't have to worry about skimming. Not to mention the shredding is worlds easier. And the leftovers won't settle out with an inch of grease on top. Need I say more? So head down to your local price club and toss a nice tenderloin in your cart. Added bonus, if you do shop at the price club, you'll get so much tenderloin for your dollar that it may even work out to be cheaper than the crappier cuts of meats. You can freeze over half of it for future meals.

*Next, a word about the tomato paste. If you like a thicker, more tomato-y sauce, use the paste. If you like a thinner, more vinegar-y base, leave it out. I usually leave it out, but that's just me. It tastes fantastic either way.

Okay, so get out your slow-cooker. I told you this was going to be easy. Get a glass bowl and throw in all the ingredients except the pork. Stir it up. Trim the infinitesimal amount of fat off the tenderloin, divide into two or three pieces (for added shredding ease), and put it in the slow-cooker on low. Pour the sauce over it. Walk away.

When your house begins to smell like heaven, wander back to the kitchen and get out a couple of forks. You're going to take out all your stress on that tenderloin by shredding it. Last time I made this, the kitchen shears had to get involved, so if you're having some problems getting the meat to shred, know that the scissors are a good backup tool. Shred as much as you can (and be careful of splashing, because that sauce will be hot), stir the pork and sauce, replace the lid, walk away again.

Return periodically to the slow cooker over the next several hours and keep on shredding and stirring. Think about what you want to serve as sides, maybe some pasta or potato salad, some tater tots, or just some chips? Baked beans are tasty as well. Definitely pickles, and slaw for the bbq, if you didn't forget to buy it at the store like me.

You'll know when the BBQ is done: when your forks are shredding less and helping you "test it" more. You can serve it on rolls, or just on the plate, and remember that leftovers are a beautiful thing. You can even freeze them for later. Enjoy!

I'm a proud member of Team Aniston.

Yeah, I know I'm supposed to discuss Brangelina. But I'm still pissed at Angie for breaking up America's couple - Brad & Jen.

I loved them. They were just so cute together - in every picture, it seemed that they were really in love with each other, rather than being in love with the camera. And Brangelina, as they've been dubbed, just look, well...bored together.

Now, granted - like every other person in the world besides Brad & Jen, I have no idea what really went down when they split. Was Angelina the homewrecker? Maybe. Were Brad & Jen just not in love anymore? It's possible. And sure, Angie's a fabulous mom, activist, and actress. But, if y'all don't mind, I'm gonna live in my little dream world, where I wear this shirt to meet Angie and her pack of children:

But I'm not bitter. Really.

Wii Love You, Dad!

After receiving an Old School Nintendo in the mail from my mother-in-law (at my request) I was instantly transported back to sixth grade. I used to play that thing for HOURS. Super Mario Bros., Duck Hunt and Zelda were some of my favorites. Turns out, there were a few Nintendo games that were favorites of my husband too. He used to play Techmo Bowl and Bases Loaded, way back in the day.

When we sat down to indulge our inner middle school selves, we had a blast. There were lots of 'Oh! I forgot about that!' or 'I think there is something... hiding... here!' But seeing these old school games, for all their reminiscence, it made us wonder about new fangled games, even the Wii, with its bad ass controls and super real graphics.

So, being the fantastic wifey that I am, I called up a local joint that rents movies and games and lo and behold they rent consoles too. Consoles, like Wii, for example, for FIFTEEN DOLLARS A WEEK. Are you shitting me? I ask. Turns out they aren't, so I sign up real quick to check one out, along with three games, which weren't very expensive either.

Again we had a good time playing games and learning the new system. The Wii is phenomenal, BTW. And all for $27 for a whole week! So guess what my husband, the father of my two most beautiful and wonderful girls is getting for Father's Day? Another one week rental of the Wii. And a new and updated version of Bases Loaded.

If you know a man who a) does not own a Wii and b) possibly played video games as a kid, I urge you to look into this option for Father's Day. Just hand him the controller and a six pack and walk away (with the children).

He will love you.