The Usual, please 4:45 PM

Ah, the return of good TV has so lifted my spirits.

Any American Idol fans wanna dish about the crazy show last night, how many drugs Paula is on, favorites, themes, or overall assessments?

Gossip Girl has returned with a bang, two weeks running.

Ah, House, how I missed you. I'm not one to usually like rude, drug-addicted asses, but for some reason, I really heart me some Dr. Gregory House.

yea, Smallville! I forgive you all the extreme loop holes in plot, because you give me yummy eye candy in the form of Tom Welling. And Green Arrow is super hot, when he's on; glad he's got a recurring role.

Moonlight is back on again, too. Vampire Private Detective, come on, that's some good TV.

Brothers & Sisters keeps me coming back for more.

Another new ANTM tonight!

Then, fabulous Thursday: Earl! The Office! Scrubs! ER!

I do miss Life, though. That was a great show.

Any other TVaholics out there? What are you excited is back on?!

Mama needs a new bag 12:27 PM

So, the other day, I was reading dooce.com and she referenced an article about her blog in the Wall Street Journal which in turn linked to this store in England that dooce had once touted on her website and increased traffic flow exponentially. Anyway, all that to say, it's a really cute site and I really like the fabrics and of course am a fan of the "Granny bags" - I tend to like all things Grandma. I am so old. But the fabrics are really fun. Just thought I'd share. that is all.

While You Were at the Bar 4/30 6:00 AM

New to the Smartini way of life? Click here.

News you can use:

Senator Barack Obama used strong words Tuesday to denounce and separate himself from his former pastor Jeremiah Wright. Mr. Obama stated that the man who was 'commanding the stage' for the past four days is not the man he knew. Rev. Wright made outlandish claims such as the U.S. government invented AIDS as a punishment to minorities.

Ex-UCLA hospital administrative specialist Lawanda Jackson has been accused of selling the medical records of celebrities to the media. Jackson allegedly sold the private information about dozens of celebrities to an unidentified media outlet for at least $4600.

A second U.S. Naval aircraft carrier has been sent to the Gulf. U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates said that while the carrier was not a precursor to military action against Tehran, "I think it could be seen, though, as a reminder."

News you can lose:

Shannon Elizabeth is voted off of "Dancing With the Stars" Tuesday night.

Word of the day:

gimcrack

Surely you can use this gem of a word in a sentence?

Tuesday's WOD, chimera, means
1. (Capitalized) A fire-breathing she-monster represented as having a lion's head, a goat's body, and a serpent's tail.
2. Any imaginary monster made up of grotesquely incongruous parts.
3. An illusion or mental fabrication; a grotesque product of the imagination.
4. An individual, organ, or part consisting of tissues of diverse genetic constitution, produced as a result of organ transplant, grafting, or genetic engineering.

Congratulations to Penelope for her sentence " I like that song from Mary Poppins: Chim-chimera, chim-chimera, chim-chim chiroo!"

411 1:57 AM

Other than the blogs I check obsessively and the endless browsing I do online (usually stores that are also brick and mortar and local that I can get into and actually try stuff on - Target, oldnavy, kohls, bedbathandbeyond, babiesrus ) or checking registries, these are the main sites I visit regularly. They are mostly information, surprisingly, but personal information, not news-related. And they probably aren't new or exciting for anyway, but it's what I use regularly.

*wikipedia I learned about Wikipedia from Niki's blog (yes, she who started it all) I remember the first post she made reference to it, I was so lost and confused, even when I clicked on it, I still couldn't figure out what it was at first, but it is oh so useful to me now.


*dictionary.com I tend to get words mixed up or forget exactly what I'm trying to. .um. . .what's the word? right, communicate. So this is a quick site I can go to check a definition or spelling, etc. They also have a thesaurus, which is useful and a WOD, but not as cool as ours.

*switchboard.com When I am looking for a phone number or address for people or businesses.

*snapfish.com I LOVE pictures and this is a great site for storing and sharing. I've used them for years, even back in the day when I had to mail in my film (I think I still have lots of prepaids, BTW, if anyone still uses film and needs to get some developed!) The prices are good, especially if you prepay and you can also order and pick up at Wal-green's if you don't want to wait for it to be shipped (which is what I do for Christmas cards, because I'm usually late getting those ordered and don't have time to wait.) They have lots of neat products as well. I do a calendar every year and have ordered "black" coffee mugs where Sweet Pea's picture magically appears when the hot coffee is in the mug for grandparents, coasters, etc.

*georgia-navigator This is a GREAT little gem, that perhaps if you don't know about and you travel to Atlanta ever, you will be excited to learn about. It shows traffic on the main Interstates (85, 75, 285) Green=things are moving, Yellow=slowing down, some congestion and Red=stopped. You can also click on the road signs and see what they are reporting (Exit xx 7 miles ahead, travel time 18-20 minutes) They are finally updating it to show all of 285 and other useful areas, so it will be even more complete.

*mapquest.com I know there are issues sometimes with needing to take a "slight left" which actually translate into um, you mean a RIGHT? and some people use googlemaps now I think, but I still go to Mapquest when I need to find out how to get somewhere.

While You Were at the Bar 4/29 6:00 AM

Don't know who all these girls with drinks are? Click here.

News you can use:

Some sicko in Austria has confessed to keeping his daughter in a sound proof cellar for 24 years and fathering 7 children with her. Apparently the man hid the secret from his wife, the girl's mother, the whole time. He told her that the daughter had run away, initially, and later had left three of her children on their doorstep for them to raise (three of the seven were allowed out and were raised by the man and his wife).

The colossal squid that was caught almost a year ago is being thawed so that scientists may study it, however briefly. Once the squid is fully thawed scientists in New Zealand will have mere hours to study it before having to inject it and fill the tank with formaldehyde.

Vietnam will stop adoptions to Americans after a recent U.S. Embassy report showed the practice in a bad light. There were reports of baby stealing, among other things, that the Vietnamese government did not agree with and thus cancelled the agreement it held with the U.S. regarding adoptions.

Good news! A study finds that dark chocolate is good for pregnant women by reducing their chance of preeclampsia!

News you can lose:

All sorts of straight laced people are in a tizzy after seeing Miley Cyrus' pose for Vanity Fair. What.ever. The real issue here should be all those ribs you can count on her back! Somebody throw that girl a burger!

Word of the day:

chimera

What silly way can you use chimera in a sentence? Impress us!

Monday's WOD, posit, means 1. To assume as real or conceded 2. To propose as an explanation; to suggest 3. To dispose or set firmly or fixedly. Congratulations to Andi for her sentence "Sweet Pea gets so absorbed in her TV program, she really doesn't like when I posit to ask her questions (gotta love Tivo!)"

tempe's webby award nominees 4:00 AM

Before I tackle this week's Weekly Special, I have a confession to make.

I'm a horrible decision maker.

I'm that person who orders at a restaurant and changes her mind four times before finally deciding on something, and even then, I'm still not that sure. (Think Meg Ryan in "When Harry Met Sally.")

I'm the girl that had last minute freak-outs (in my head, mind you, not out loud) about whether or not the groomsmen should have worn ties at our wedding. Of course, I waited until 36 hours before the wedding day to freak out. God forbid I actually make a decision early.

I just sent away a contract for a travel agent to plan Chris' and my trip to Napa this summer (our anniversary gift to each other), and I winced when I stuck the contract in the fax machine, wondering, "Maybe we should go to Barbados instead..."

When it comes to work, I'm a great decision maker. Weigh the options, aim, fire. Right on target. But in my own personal life...hell, I'm a mess.

So y'all will have to understand that I can't just pick one favorite website. I can't. So I'm picking my top five.

5. Drudgereport.com - This is my source for all news, the good (the presidential campaign, economy news), the bad (Miley Cyrus' "embarrassing" Vanity Fair photo shoot), and the ugly (Today: 300-pound inmate complains jail doesn't feed him well). It links every major news source, from Peggy Noonan to Perez Hilton. Drudge broke the Monica Lewinsky scandal when Newsweek wouldn't run the story. I just dig it. Whether Matt Drudge is left-wing, right-wing, or buffalo-wing, I like the quick links to hundreds of stories.

4. OpenTable.com - A one-stop shop for restaurant reservations. I use it for work, for fun, or just to take a look at what restaurants are out there. There are 2072 listings for restaurants in the Washington Post - and several hundred are listed on Open Table - with their menus, information, etc. I heart this site.

3. Page Six - The New York Post's gossip column. Sometimes I don't even know who the heck Richard's talking about, but it's entertaining. I'm particularly fond of his semi-regular column "Just Asking."

2. Travel & Leisure - This is where I go to fantasize about traveling. African safaris, a trip to Patagonia, a celebrity-esque weekend at Cap Juluca...I may not be able to afford half the trips T&L shows, but I love pretending I can! :)

1. And finally...the winner (as if y'all didn't know) - gofugyourself.com. Ah, Heather and Jessica. They're so evil, so mean...and so incredibly fabulous. I even have a favorite blog entry from the Fug Girls - click here. The first time I read this I laughed so hard I cried.

I have about 10 more websites I could list - but this indecisive girl's gotta stop somewhere...

With a name like that 1:25 AM

It's got to be the best bedding ever. I do approve, though, it is rather cute. just felt like sharing.

I smell what you're cookin' 6:34 AM

Mmm... There's always something cooking over at Allrecipes.com. (Or at least about a million things I should be cooking.) This is my main go-to site for anything that's going on in the kitchen and favorite landing spot on the web. As I stated before, you really shouldn't drink on an empty stomach, and this cooking site on crack is there to help. It is so crazy good that not only is food involved, drinks are too!


I really enjoy making good food and All Recipes just feeds the need. You can search for recipes by name, ingredients, type, occasion, etc. and come up with loads of results. Gotta love those moments when you stand in your kitchen with the cabinet doors flung open saying to yourself 'Now what can I make with rice, chicken and peas?" Seventy-three meals, actually!) Also, once you are a member you can keep a virtual recipe box of your favorite recipes and find them easily when you need them.

But perhaps the best thing about All Recipes is the user reviews. Users can rate the recipe by awarding stars and leave comments about their results and any suggestions. These are just so handy for helping me determine if I want to try the recipe and any alterations I should make. While there is advertising on the site, it is subtle and easily looked past with no pop ups. (Newsweek: take note!)

Now, who feels like cooking?! Here are some recent favorites from All Recipes (with some personal adjustments):

Monster Cookies

Dill Dip

Apple Butter

Mexican Style Meat

Italian Spaghetti Sauce with Meatballs

And now that I look at the homepage, that Chicken Peanut Mole with Cilantro Rice is looking rather good... must add that to the list of things I should be cooking!

While You Were at the Bar 4/28 6:00 AM

First time stopping by for a drink? Click here.

News you can use:

An eighteen year old South Carolina man is charged with four counts of murder after his family was found shot to death. The teen had recently brokend up with his live in girlfriend and moved back in with his dad, stepmother, stepsister and brother, all of whom were killed. Authorities are not giving any indication as far as a motive.

One thousand people have been ordered to leave their homes in Sierra Madre, California on Sunday due to a wildfire. As of Sunday afternoon the fire was about 5 percent contained with full containment expected in four or five days. It is not known what started the blaze, but it is known to be man made.

Barack Obama declines the challenge issued by Hillary Clinton to have a debate sans moderators before the May 6 primaries in Indiana and North Carolina. Obama told Fox News Sunday “I’m not ducking... For two weeks, two big states, we want to make sure we’re talking to as many voters on the ground, taking questions from voters. We’re not going to have debates between now and Indiana.”

News you can lose:

Some crack pot legislator in Florida has nothing better to do than try and outlaw the fake bull balls that some people use as decoration on their vehicles. I'm not a big fan of the things myself, but going so far as to outlaw them? That's a good use of taxpayer money, Mr. Legislator. How very ballsy of you; you must be nuts.

Word of the day:

posit

Impress us all and use posit in a sentence, especially if you don't know the definition.

Friday's WOD, winsome means 1. Cheerful; merry; gay; light-hearted 2. Causing joy or pleasure; agreeable; pleasant. Aren't the Smartini girls winsome?

Web Shots 9:42 PM

When you order this week's Weekly Special, your Smartini bartenders will serve up their favorite sites on the web. Be it news, sports or tacky celebrity gab, we have got hot links on tap for you.

We never like to drink alone, so please feel free to give us tips on your favorites!

Toilets can talk?! 11:52 AM

There is a sign above one of the toilets in the courthouse I've been stuck all day, every day, this entire week. It reads:

Please make sure the handle does not hang up!

Common sense will tell you what the sign is most likely there to communicate, but knowledge of the English language and grammar definitely won't get the job done.

Have you been drinking? 9:23 AM

Dear Bjork,

I do not understand you. Of course we all remember your swan episode at some awards show or another and your funky music, white girl, but what in the hell do you call this? Some things never change, I suppose, but for the love of suicidal clowns everywhere, do not wear this kind of madness!

I could maybe, maybe see the art in the swan get up but this is ridiculous. Brightly colored puff balls on some sort of headpiece, a 'dress' that appears to be made of pink aluminum foil and metallic leggings combine to create the look of a confetti iced cupcake in a pink foil wrapper.

I could be wrong, but it looks as if you are preforming in this cupcake calamity... which confuses me greatly because that would imply that there were people who presumably paid to see you and this is what you decided would look best. Was there a mad dash for ticket holders to get their money back? Or did they all beeline it straight to the nearest craft store for their own personal version of this confectionery confoundation?

Now all the sudden I'm hungry,
Megan

PS: Put some shoes on.

Electric Blues 9:00 AM

Some recent WTF moments from Pen's world.

*My phone doesn't ring a whole lot (not that I want it to), but in the past two weeks, I've been getting a lot of Sorry You Have the Wrong Numbers. Calls for people named Shirley, or Elaine, or whoever. They're not from solicitors, and the area codes are both local and long-distance. I have no idea why, just all of a sudden, these wrong-number dialers are coming out of the wordwork.

*My hair dryer, which is not that old, lately sounds high-pitched and whiny, in the manner of a vacuum cleaner, or two-year-old. I'm not sure what that's about, but I fear it may one day burst spontaneously into flames, and take my hair with it. I figure I'll really start worrying when it starts to smell like smoke.

*My computer registers only certain wall outlets. I move the laptop around the office quite a bit, based on where the employees will be camped out, and my battery life is decent, but not stellar. I always feel a little adrenalized when I'm working off the battery, like it's going to run out in the middle of a Really Important Email or Blog Post. I cannot afford to have my brilliance lost! Anyway, what is up with that. I thought maybe there was dust on the little piece that plugs into the computer? But that's not it. And certain outlets that used to work don't anymore. And sometimes the top part of the outlet works, but not the bottom. Or vice versa. We don't seem to have any other electrical issues in the house. Oh, except maybe the hair dryer. I don't know, I don't get it. WTF.

While You Were at the Bar 4/25 6:00 AM

Need an introduction to the regulars at the bar? Click here.

News you can use:

The White House is calling upon Syria to come clean about its nuclear activities. Intelligence suggests that North Korea is helping Syria to build a nuclear reactor.

Nelson Peltz, the owner of Arby's, has succeeded in buying Wendy's for 2.3 billion dollars. Pam Thomas Farber, daughter of Wendy's founder Dave Thomas, said that Dave would not be happy with this turn of events.

Actor Wesley Snipes was sentenced to three years in prison and one year of probation for tax evasion. He was convicted of willfully failing to file his taxes for three years in February, and received one year for each count.

News you can lose:

Tom Cruise will again make an appearance on "Oprah". It's not clear what the show will be about but it will be just in time for May sweeps and the 25th anniversary of Cruise's break out movie "Risky Business".

Word of the Day:

winsome

It's Friday, yay! Let's celebrate by me giving you a sentence: "You winsome, you lose some, it's all in how you take the shot: toss it back like a woman, or sip it like a girl coughHillaryClintoncough."

Thursday's WOD, miasma, means: 1. A vaporous exhalation (as of marshes or putrid matter) formerly thought to cause disease; broadly, a thick vaporous atmosphere or emanation 2. A harmful or corrupting atmosphere or influence; also, an atmosphere that obscures; a fog.

Wow, that sounds like some nasty stuff... it could really mess up miasma.

Congratulations to Pen, who is the best player alonger ever, for her sentence "I like drinking miasmas on a Sunday morning, they're like, so bubbly and orange!"

I remain now, and will always be, a Duckman. 1:00 AM

Well, this bartender served up a Weekly Special that made me all fumbly with my own barware. Dropping shot glasses and liquor bottles all over the place! Seemed simple enough to answer at the time, but once you start trying to wrap your brain around the question, it's the "of all time" part that throws you for a loop.

I wanted my choice to be someone that I never tire of watching. Someone I admire and am like in some ways, but wish to be in others. Obviously they would be witty. A bit of a badass, but also sweet at the core. Would they necessarily be a lead character, or more of a sidekick?

My mind automatically went to male characters, which is interesting in its own rite, although a few female characters became contenders: Penny Lane from Almost Famous, Jenna from Waitress, and because we've been watching it so much around here, Annie from Annie. Or even Grace Farrell. Or Miss Hannigan!

I was so very, very tempted to go with the most obvious choice, the one I thought of initially when I came up with this question: John Bender from The Breakfast Club. I named my dog after him, for heaven's sake. Who could resist Judd Nelson's interpretation of a high school rebel, knocking down the popular kids several pegs with his blunt sarcasm, not to mention the principal, which such fantastic questions as, "Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?"

But I had to go with my gut. My favorite character is, and will always be, the Duckman. Phil Dale, or Duckie, from Pretty in Pink. He's geeky but charming, has a fearless sense of style. Loyal. Fiery, and yet forgiving. He has, as Iona attests, strong lips. In fact, even though Andrew McCarthy (Blane? That's a major appliance, not a name!) worked it out with Molly Ringwald, I'm still kind of pissed the Duckie got the shaft. Test audiences allegedly wanted it this way, and John Hughes wasn't satisfied with the original ending, so what can you do. But Duckie, I will always admire you again today.

You Shouldn't Drink on an Empty Stomach 9:32 AM

Since we are not all about liquid refreshments here at Smartini, we have a new addition to the menu: Texas Caviar. It's basically vegetables and Italian dressing... who can argue with that? AND, as long as you can open a few cans and wield a knife for just a brief moment, you can whip this up in a flash.

Texas Caviar

2 tomatoes, chopped
1 avocado, chopped
cilantro to taste
1 can chopped olives
1 can black eyed peas, rinsed
1 can black beans, rinsed
1 can white sweet corn, drained
juice of one lemon (or 1/3 c. lemon juice)

Mix and drizzle with Italian dressing, approx. 1/4 to 1/2 bottle. Best if marinated overnight. Serve with tortilla chips.

(Since we are mostly about liquid refreshments, I will add that this goes very well with my favorite adult beverage, beer!)

I like you, very much. Just as you are. 7:11 AM

This week's special is one of the hardest questions I have ever been asked (as in, if I had been cold-called on this in law school, I probably would've stuttered and stammered and ended up looking like I didn't know my ass from my elbow). Ever since the topic was announced, I have been mulling it over. And over. And OVER.

I won't get into it too much, but I will just say that picking your favorite character of all freaking time is a daunting task. There's so much riding on that. Can I change my answer ever? Will it be used against me if run for political office? And what criteria do I use? Most unique? Most interesting? Most lovable? Hottest with its shirt off? WHAT?

So, my dear friends, I have done what I always do when faced with these types of choices - I copped out. I've picked a favorite female AND a favorite male character, sort of like my very own Academy Awards. It's only fair, equal opportunity and the 14th Amendment and all that.

Lest you think that I could end it that simply, before revealing my picks, I feel compelled to at the very least inform you of some honorable mentions that floated through my mind over the past several days.

* Amelie, Amelie

* Neo, The Matrix series

* Air Bud, Air Bud: Golden Receiver

* Jake Brigance, A Time to Kill (Matthew McConaughey's character)

* Hannibal Lecter, Silence of the Lambs

* The mute brother, Little Miss Sunshine

* Maverick, Top Gun (Truth be told, if Tom hadn't gone off the deep end in the past few years, this would've been a major contender for the top prize; I mean after all, I did write a college entrance essay about the first time I saw that movie. But now, I can't in good conscience choose it. Sorry, Mav.)

* Kit, Pretty Woman

Ok, Ok. Without further ado:

Niki's Favorite Male Character in a Movie Possibly of All Time is . . .

John Laroche, Adaptation - Chris Cooper won the Oscar for Supporting Actor for this and earned a spot on my list of top actors forever. Honestly, nothing I say can convey to you the genius of the performance, you simply must watch the film. Here is a brief clip that gives you a taste (WARNING: Clip contains adult language not normally found on Smartini.)



Niki's Favorite Female Character in a Movie Possibly of All Time. . .

Bridget Jones, Bridget Jones' Diary - Duh. If you know me, this is 100% no-brainer. Apart from the smoking and the British accent, I'm pretty sure Bridget and I are the same person. I tried and tried and tried to come up with something more original, but Jeff explained to me that it was no use - it's obvious because it's true.

I struggled with this partly because she's a brilliant book character as well, but am comforted in the knowledge that I would not, in fact, select her as my favorite book character (nope, not telling until it's asked as a topic. I know you're devastated). If Bridget is good enough for Mark Darcy, then she's good enough for me.

While You Were at the Bar 4/24 6:00 AM

First time coming by for a drink? Click here.

News you can use:

The Olympic torch relay made its way through Australia's capital, Canberra on Thursday. There were a few occasions of people protesting and attempting to block the path of the relay runner but no major incidences. The Chinese community in Sydney and other cities organized bus trips to the route to support the relay.

Two Generals most closely linked with President Bush's strategy in Iraq have been offered new positions that will extend into the next administration. General David Petraeus, senior commander in Iraq, will become in charge of all military affairs across the Middle East and Central Asia. Lt. General Raymond Odierno will succeed General Petraeus.

Two warehouse retail chains, Costco and Sam's Club, are limiting the amount of bulk rice customers can buy due to recent 'supply and demand trends.' This imposed limit is creating some concern that there is a rice shortage, however it is more likely that small business customers are buying more rice than usual in anticipation of higher prices in the near future.

News you can lose:

I could spend all kinds of time playing games like this. Since being smartini is what we are all about, give this one a shot. Or, even better, tell me which game makes you smartini.

Word of the Day:

miasma

You know what I'm after... come on and make my day!

Wednesday's WOD, lambaste, means 1. To give a thrashing to; to beat severely 2. To scold sharply; to attack verbally; to berate. Congratulations to Pen for her sentence "I hear a good lambaste is mint jelly."

ANTM Live Blogcast 10:58 PM

Not sure why one might want an hour's worth of my thoughts, but here we go. . .

Ah, Italy. The girls have the same reaction I did when I went. The historic aspect has such a huge impact - you can just feel the significance. The way the old is juxtaposed with the new is so incredible. Ah, the Typewriter/Wedding Cake building! We arrived at night and it made me cry seeing it all lit up in it's splendor. I know it's a new building, but to me it represented what the old buildings must have looked like when they weren't just ruins. It was powerful. oh yeah, back to the show.

OMG Anya totally smacked the pavement. At least she laughs about it, too! I like her a little bit more now.

Whitney: "Only 1 other Plus Size model has made it this far, so it's like a Big deal to still be here. haha, no pun intended"

Katarzyna: "Our place in Italy is off the chain! Tyra is hooking us up!" seriously? We never hear her talk much and she busts out with "off the chain?" Is that really her personality? It seems so. .incongruous, to use a Tim word. It is a pretty sweet place, though, I will admit! What's up with all the big shared beds in this season, though?!

Fatima: "I'm back!" next frame, oh wait, I'm sick. When do they film these interviews? I never can figure that out, but for Fatima to be crying about not wanting to go home yet and she doesn't look sick in the interview. I'm so confused.

I like that Anya is annoyed that everyone is so petty and talks about other girls when they aren't around. She seems like a good person. Even if I can't understand what she's saying.

Oh Lauren, why does she have to be so clueless and anti-social?

Ha! Segways!

Whitney's red coat makes her stand out. She's so cute. And I remember the judges making such a big deal about the one Plus Size girl, I think just last season that seemed to loose weight, but honestly, half the time I forget Whitney is supposed to be Plus Size, she just looks so . . .normal! Oh wait, she is, the other girls are make believe sizes.

These women they are showing as examples of Italian style are totally NOT random, yeah right! They are way too posed and made up.

Clow-dio. [Claudio] Ah, Italian accents. *sigh

Gai, cool spelling, I thought it was Guy.

That belt on Fatima is super cinched.

How can you STILL be THAT BAD at walking, Lauren.

Anya wins again! Wow, I really didn't see that one coming. no really, I didn't think he was that impressed with her.

Go Katarzyna, deciphering the clue.

How can you be here if you are Not a Cover Girl? hello. Ugh, Lauren, you are going home this week if that's your approach and I will be sad.

(S&TC movie promo, I know some girls that are super excited about that premiere.)

Oh, Dominique that hair! ugh.

Memorizing another language. .that's hard, will there be cue cards?

Oh, walking and talking at the same time! Yes, Anya, that's super tricky. I was actually thinking the same thing, but to hear someone say it out loud it sounds pretty funny.

Sounds like it's only 3 lines, though? That's more doable. 30 minute time frame to get it right!

Is it just me or does Katarzyna always have the same eyes in every photo shoot? Wel, I mean, eye makeup, duh, her eyes are, in fact, the same each time.

Oh, lifeless, Lauren. You're already so defeated. It's enough to piss you off, rather than make you feel sorry for her.

Fatima's Italian sounds pretty convincing and she looks fairly comfortable. Surprising. Hell, she had to go and toot her own horn, of course. lost the brownie points she'd just gained with me.

Ok, come on Whitney, get it together girl and make it work! dang.

Disingenuous? hm, learned a new word. and from Mr. Jay, too!

Really, Lauren, you don't know how you did? really? girl, you didn't even TRY!

Glamorous panel room!

That was the most ghetto "Ciao, Bellas" I've ever heard, Tyra.

Cool, a fashion show on the Spanish Steps! That's an awesome shot, that would be cool to see -- more theatrical than being able to see anything fashion-wise. Tough walk for the models.

Hand you a cookie Ms. I've walked that fashion show 4 times!

Ooo, start with the strongest one. It's just going to get more painful as we go from here, judges.

Whitney was so breathy. ouch, Paulina is NOT a fan. I think she's a bit harsh with the mocking. Yea, Tyra! giving her props for actually putting effort and energy into it.

Well, Anya, the life drained out of you and you looked so awkward and stiff to me

Dominique is just scary. there's no way around it. waving her arms like a crazy woman and that awful purple throw up sweater thing. ick. oh and the commercial, just painful to watch. And her makeup is so bad! Her face is way too white and made up.

Paulina looks like Lucille Ball. What faces!

Oh snap, Katarzyna educating them on how to pronounce your name! again!

Paulina is like a proud mama and it's easy to see why, they look soooo much alike!

Keep holding that bandaged thumb up, Lauren and reminding everyone you are injured.

I'm ok with Anya being the Viewer's Choice for the week. She's growing on me.

Ha! Ms. Jay makes fun of her thumb, too.

Dominique, entertaining because she's so Drag. that's about right. except, I don't find her even entertaining. so you know what that leaves.

Decision time. Fatima. no surprise. Anya, yup. Katarzyna, good, the 'tude didn't turn them off too much.

Ugh, Dominique is still here.

Bye, Bye Plus Size?? Was this the excuse to get rid of her? They love Lauren's pictures too much, but her defeated attitude irks me enough to send her home.

Who stays? The one giving too much, that can be toned down, or the one that has already given up and isn't even making the effort. make the right choice, here, judges.

Oh, they did! I liked Lauren A LOT, but it bothers me she didn't progress or make any effort and I agree with the decision fully.

ANTM has to talk. .and don't forget walk, Tyra! It sucks to be sent home on such a sour note where you didn't even make an effort, don't you think? learn something from this experience, girl!

So, what's in store next week? Oh, Tyra photographer shots! Doesn't look like they'll get to wear cool clothes - are they cave women next week?! Tivo cuts off. . .

Ciao bellas!

While You Were at the Bar 4/23 6:00 AM

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News you can use:

Hillary Clinton won Pennsylvania in Tuesday's Democratic primary. The win was essential for Clinton to maintain her place in the race for the nomination. Yay, more campaign coverage! Blah de blah blah.

A former Army mechanical engineer was charged with slipping confidential documents about nuclear weapons to an employee of the Israeli Consulate from 1979-1985. Ben-ami Kadish was employed at an Army base in New Jersey at the time and allegedly checked out classified documents and let the Israeli agent photograph them in his basement.

Some Jews are experiencing that their beloved matzo is in short supply this Passover. Some stores have quit carrying the item due to low sales volume, others just didn't receive shipments at all due to a shortage. One of the largest suppliers of unleavened bread products, Manischewitz , had trouble with their only oven and scrapped this Passover's supply.

Today is Administrative Professional's Day (formerly known as Secretary's Day). Let's all wish the Head Secretary at Pen's Company a 'Happy AP Day, K.Lo'! Surely her Manager has something special planned for such a fab employee?

News you can lose:

Teen superstar Miley Cyrus has inked a book deal worth seven figures. At the tender age of 15 she will pen her memoirs about growing up in the achy breaky world of daddy Billy Ray and the special relationship she has with her mother. Holy cow, can Miley make any more money? I bet Billy didn't see this gravy train coming way back in the mullet days!

Word of the Day:

lambaste

Use lambaste in a sentence, I dare you.

Yesterday's WOD, roister, means to engage in boisterous merrymaking; to revel; to carouse. Congratulations to me for my sentence "Y'all must have been too busy roistering at the bar to make up a sentence."

Cut me off 3:54 AM

I first read this week's topic as name a "movie character you'd want to be" so I immediately started trying to think of strong female parts I related to from movies that I really love.

*Drew Barrymore in Ever After
*Sandra Bullock in Speed or The Net. Hey, I saw the original Speed 13 times in one weekend (at the lake with some friends, when we could have been outside!) so it must be relevant to me in some way, right? I've got to make that colossal amount of time count for something in my life. She was down to earth, brave, funny and gets the hot guy effortlessly; sounds right to me.
*Marisa Tomei in Only You or Untamed Heart
*Claire Danes in Romeo & Juliet
*Reese Witherspoon in Man in the Moon
*Julia Roberts, or wait, maybe not in Pretty Woman, don't need to be a hooker.

Then, I thought it would be cool to be someone with super powers, like SuperMan, SpiderMan or Wonder Woman. A-ha, Hermione! Smart, witty and gets to do lots of magic! perfect. Man, I bet someone else will think of her, surely. Then, I thought, hmm, Pen encouraged us to be creative, maybe I could choose to be a guy. Maybe Harry, but I'm not sure I could live up to all the pressure and stress poor Harry goes through, so I'll just stick with Hermione and self-induced must be top of the class stress. Sure, she was in the thick of things with him, but it was still different for Harry. Plus, these were better characters in the books.

Oh to be a guy. I polled my Co-worker and his nearly immediate answer was "A toss up between Beetlejuice and Batman. Or Snitch" and that's when I realized it was just a favorite character, it didn't have to be someone like me. In fact, it could be someone NOT like me and that's why I like them.

Hubby said, "The Dude" from the Big Lebowski or Doc Holiday from Tombstone.

I haven't seen a lot of movies, especially lately, but I do really love them, especially when they affect me or I really get to escape. So, I've enjoyed thinking about this question and just can't stop myself from sharing more of my thoughts and favorites, even though I'm sure you all wish I would just make a damn decision and put it out there.

Secondary roles that really stand out, but seem like they shouldn't go down as all-time favorite:

Funny guy, Spike, in Notting Hill. totally made the movie.

Poor guy, Milton, in Office Space. Just wants his stapler. Makes me want to cry, it's so pitiful.

Old singer, Billy Mack, in Love Actually

Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting Or Dead Poet's Society

Ben Stein in Ferris Bueller That was so Mr. Paige in high school. ugh. Sweet man, but oh so monotone and boring and could care less everyone is falling asleep.


And, finally: Classics that make me think of my childhood and still make me smile include:
Love me some Indiana Jones. Or Sean Connery as Indie's dad. Or even Crocodile Dundee, for that matter.
I think I'll have to show my age and allegiance to the 80s (which I normally don't claim) with my top choice of Ferris Bueller. Loved that he talked right to the camera about all the excuses and how to work everyone over. You know you can't resist dancing along.

Great balls of fire. Don't bother me anymore, and don't call me sugar. 9:19 AM

I was convinced that Megan would have picked her, but Megan went down a most unexpected - and fantastic - route with her choice of favorite movie characters! (I love it, Megs.) And, you've left me open to pay homage to Katie Scarlett O'Hara Hamilton Kennedy Butler, the gold standard for bad-ass female leads of the 20th century.

I adolized Scarlett O'Hara as a child. Her dresses, her hair, her makeup, her beaus...I had the largest crush on the Tarleton twins from the moment I saw GWTW at age 8. I even dressed up as Scarlett in the 5th grade for "Movie Character Day" at my school. The dress was an exact replica of the dress Scarlett wore at the barbeque at Twelve Oaks, surrounded by potential suitors. I had the green velvet sash, the hat...my mother even bought me a little hand-fan. The dress was loaned to me by a friend of my mothers - and let me tell you, it was really hard to give it back!

When I was fourteen, I read the book - and because of that, it's probably a bit unrealistic to say that Vivien Leigh and the movie are the only reason I love Scarlett's character so much. The book gave me a better understanding of Scarlett - she wasn't just a woman in love with a man she couldn't have - she wasn't petty just for the sake of being so - her only goal was to save her family - to save Tara - even if she didn't realize it at first. She challenged almost every role of women of her time - owning and running a company, marrying many times - all for the sake of maintaining her family's way of life before the war.

I still find time to watch at least portions of the movie when I'm home - to see Scarlett's toughness, her guile - and even her foolishness for loving Ashley when her true love is right in front of her. As I've said before, it baffles my father to no end that I watch it over and over again - just to see the same ending! But there's something so wonderful about Scarlett's strength - her singular goal of saving her family - her home, Tara - and I'm taken everytime I see that last scene of part one:

Carrots 7:23 AM

Weirdly enough, when Pen posed this topic, it never occurred to me to think about a male character. Instead, I thought about which movie I'd spent the most time watching and re-watching. It might be a tough call - there might a few hard on its heels, like Bridget Jones's Diary and Singin' in the Rain - but Anne of Green Gables and its sequel Anne of Avonlea probably top the list of minutes-per-capita. I even remember at one point, my friend Sarah and I tried to go a whole year without watching it and just couldn't bear it.

And though Anne was a literary character before she graced the screen, Megan Follows brought her to life. When I was little, I thought she was the absolute embodiment of Anne. And since I thought I was the embodiment of Anne myself, I fell in love with the movie. We were both writers, prone to getting lost in our imagination, slightly bookish and never the pretty one. We both harbored secret insecurities and covered them up with wit and cleverness. She's one of the first people I remember wanting to be. So even though it's a bit 10-year-old-girl of me, I have to say Anne Shirley tops my list of favorite movie characters - and is possibly the reason that I know most of "The Highwayman" by heart.

While You Were at the Bar 4/22 6:00 AM

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News you can use:

FLDS members have embarked upon a PR campaign to bring attention to the plight of their children. Members of the media have been welcomed inside their once locked gates to give insight into their lives as polygamists.

The leader of militant group Hamas offered Israel a 10 year truce if they would withdraw from lands seized during the 1967 Middle East War. The offer was made to Jimmy Carter during their talks on Saturday.

Today is Earth Day! Check out this site for a really cool idea to help keep mounds and mounds of stuff out of landfills. And lots of other green articles and ideas, too!

News you can lose:

The extremely popular show Deadliest Catch on The Discovery channel has been accused of creative editing. In the season opener last week the Wizard is shown getting pummeled by large waves and subsequently a leak in the stateroom. The footage of the wave was actually taken on a different day than the day the leak occurred but they were stitched together to appear as one series of events.

Word of the Day:

roister

Are you witty enough to use this word in a sentence? Or has the roister got your tongue?

Monday's WOD, portent, means

1. A sign of a coming event or calamity; an omen
2. Prophetic or menacing significance.
3. Something amazing; a marvel.

Congratulations to Andi for her sentence "Bubba wanted to go camping, but he erected such a portent, Bobbie Ann wouldn't sleep in it and made him take her home."

Drinking Games 2:14 PM

I've been fortunate enough to have lots of celebrations in my lifetime. Further, I've been honored to host several parties and showers for these celebrations of loved ones. From baby showers to wedding showers, including couple showers, to bachelorette parties, I've been privy to participate in several. Here are some of the tried and true games I've found to be most successful - easy set up, execution and still amusing and entertaining. Just in case any of our patrons are in a position to have such a function and are in need of some ideas:

Gift Bingo -- Use a normal Bingo sheet layout, but replace with BABY or BRIDE. Depending on the number of guests expected, you may need more or less spaces, you can use clip art to fill in more spaces if needed. Have guests either (1) Fill in the spaces with specific items they expect the guest of honor to open (diapers, onesies, toaster, wine glasses) without repeating any item and those will be marked off as gifts are opened or (2) Fill in the spaces with numbers. As guests bring in gifts, put a sticky note on each one with a number 1-x, then have guests fill in the spaces with those numbers. If you have more spaces than gifts, you can label gifts with more than one number and both numbers will be called when that gift is open. This game is just good to keep people interested during the gift opening and deflect some of the attention, especially if the guest of honor is more shy and nervous being the focus.

Questions - I've used this game at just about every shower I've had. If the shower is for women only, ask the groom/father the questions ahead of time and have the bride/mother answer the questions as she expects the groom did. If both bride and groom-to-be are in attendance, you can set it up more like The Newlywed Game and have them back to back, writing down answers and then sharing out loud once both have written down their answer. For each wrong answer that doesn't match, they have to put a piece of bubble gum (the real kind, not chewing gum) in their mouth. It can get quite amusing as they get more and more questions wrong and have a huge wad of gum in their mouths, trying to talk. If it's a bachelorette party, you can have the bride take shots rather than using the gum. You can change the questions for the theme and tone of the party, but here are some sample questions:
"What color is Bride's toothbrush?"
"Where did you go on your first date?"
"What kind of cologne does Groom wear?"
"What was Bride's first pet's name?"
"Who was Groom's first girlfriend?"

Codeword. Select a word and let guests know as they arrive that they aren't to use it - "cute" "baby" "wedding." I got several packs of baby socks and handed each guest a sock when they arrived and if they used the designated word, other guests could call them out on it and take their sock(s). The person with the most socks at the end of the shower wins a prize and the mom-to-be gets to keep all the socks. I've also heard of this concept being used for a wedding shower when guests crossed their legs (which happens quite a bit when many are wearing skirts!) It can be amusing and keep people paying attention and playing throughout the shower.

Spices. Buy several containers of herbs and spices - if you can get them in bulk containers, then remove labels and number them so you can keep up with which ones are which. Pass the containers around and have guests sniff and write down what spice they think each one is. The person with the most correct gets a prize and the bride gets to keep all the spices to complement their newly stocked kitchen!

Celebrity Baby names. Have a list of baby names to match with their famous parents.

Name Scramble. Take the names of the bride/mother and groom/father and see how many words guests can create using those letters only.

Nursery Rhymes. Make a list of questions relating to nursery rhymes and see how many people can recall.
"What time did the mouse run down the clock?"
"How many birds were baked into a pie?"

Wedding Night sayings. As the bride is opening gifts, have someone writing down what she says, then read it back as things she'll say on her Wedding Night. Or for a baby shower, can be things said on the night of conception.

More Active Games:
Pantyhose and oranges. Put an orange in one foot of the pantyhose and tie the pantyhose around your waist, so that the leg with the orange hangs down between your legs. Have another orange on the floor in front of each person (can be divided into teams, with each person on each team needing to make a lap) The object of the game is to swing your hips to get the orange in the pantyhose to knock the other orange across the floor to the designated finish line (can go down and back again if in a small area). It can get quite amusing.

TP race. One person stands with a pole between their knees (golf club, stick, broom) and the other person puts a roll of toilet paper between their knees and has to "walk" with the toilet paper between their knees to the other end and try to get it onto the pole without using hands. Once they do, they switch places until everyone has successfully put a roll of toilet paper on the pole.

Belly Balloon Shoe Race. Have everyone put a balloon under their shirt and then have a race to see who can tie their shoes the fastest. The mom-to-be should get a kick out of watching everyone else struggle like she does with a simple every day task.

Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol? 7:15 AM

Weekly Special: Favorite Movie Character

"Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer... " Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Best. Movie. Ever.

Ok, maybe not the best movie ever, but certainly one of the funniest. Even though I have seen it many, many times, I still laugh at all of the gags, dialogue and Eddie in that damn dickie. OMG, that dickie kills me every single time!

I can't go all coffee shop literati and discuss the character of Clark, and I won't even try. The simple fact is that he makes me laugh. And that's good enough for me.

(Don't worry Scarlett! You are my favorite book character!)

While You Were at the Bar 4/21 6:00 AM

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News you can use:

An 18 year old high school senior from Chesterfield, South Carolina was arrested Saturday for possesion of materials to make a bomb, a bomb that he planned on setting off in his high school. The teen had kept a diary for over a year detailing his plans for bombing the school including detailed maps. His parents called the police after ten pounds of ammonium nitrate was delivered to their house and they found the journal.

Pope Benedict XVI ended his visit to the United States Sunday by holding mass at Yankee Stadium in New York. Almost 60,000 people were in attendance to hear the leader of the Roman Catholic Church.

Indy Racing League driver Danica Patrick made history by becoming the first woman to win an Indy car race. She battled it out with Helio Castroneves in Japan in what would become a fuel strategy race. Patrick, who is 26, won on what was her 50th start in Indy racing.

News you can lose:

Chelsea Clinton was in Philly recently and went on a gay pub crawl where she was met with lots of adoring fans. The names of three of the clubs: Woody's, Bump and Sisters. How apropos!

Word of the day:

portent

It is especially portent for you to use this word in a sentence.

Friday's WOD, salubrious, means "favorable to health; promoting health; healthful". Congratulations to Ashley for her sentence " The hair gel was so salubrious, it gave him a slick pimp style for hours and hours."

Whiskey Business 7:00 AM

This week, each of our Smartini Bartenders will take a shot at answering the following question:

Who is your favorite movie character of all time, and why?

As always, we encourage our bar clientele to imbibe with us and share your own answers in the comments section.

Shock-A-Bull 3:11 PM

This picture just really makes me laugh and I wanted to post it, but didn't want to be the first of your bartenders to reveal something so personal, but thanks to Pen's brilliant and revealing post below, I can now submit it and hopefully give everyone else a good laugh on this WTFriday! I feel like Sweet Pea is definitely feeling acosted and saying, "OMG mom, WTF?! Do you have to take pictures of me ALL the time?"

We are also in the midst of trying to potty train our nearly 2 1/2 year old daughter and she pees in the potty. but she also pees in her Pull Up. a lot. We felt like we'd made so much progress for a while, but then plateaued and even regressed some. It can be such a long drawn out process. But, I love this picture of Sweet Pea. It makes her seem so old to me, though. Gotta love the just-rolled-out-of-bed hair, too!

Serving it up, Penelope-Style 12:08 PM

In honor of WTFriday, some recent moments from my own universe.

*Sometimes when you're pregnant, the hair on your head grows at an alarming rate. It didn't happen with K.Lo, I didn't see any change in my hair whatsoever, but with N.Lo, my head sprouted enough hair for three people. And now, it's all falling out, all that new hair, by the handful. Clogging up the shower drain. WTF.

*N.Lo had a ruptured eardrum for two whole weeks and didn't complain about it, which is a huge WTF. But an even bigger WTF was that his dumb mommy didn't take him to the doctor sooner.

*My daughter is over two years old now and has never peed in the potty, not once, in her whole life. It's not that she doesn't understand pee-pee goes in the potty, or when it is that she's going pee-pee, or how to sit on the potty. She talks about the potty and pee-pee in the potty all day long. But she just can't let it go. I somehow feel responsible for this giant WTF, or at least the fact that I haven't figured out a solution yet, other than to just wait it out.

*The annual Air Show is this weekend, with practices this afternoon and shows Saturday and Sunday. And we all know how much K.Lo loooves the sound of regular airplanes, particularly during naptime, they just lull the girl right to sleep. Not even a little bit. These airplanes make it sound like Godzilla is about to be dropped via parachute into your backyard. WTF!

*And (drumroll please), today's biggest WTF. A lesson in physics: Girls, you're going to find this shocking, but a glass window does not, in fact, make a good pivot point for a crowbar! J.Lo and I decided to remove this kind-of-cool-but-ultimately-annoying-because-it's-impossible-to-paint piece of trim from our front door, and since we have sooo much going on this weekend, and because I am such a good wife, wanting to save my husband some time, I went ahead and tried to remove it myself. I pulled the six points off by hand and then in a fit of true brilliance, got out the ol' crowbar to finish the job. All the while thinking, Now I've just got to be careful and not break that glass! Because wouldn't that be a pain to fix. It took me under 3 seconds to completely shatter the pane, and thank God it was taped, because plenty of tiny shards littered the carpet as it was. So now we've got an even bigger problem on our hands than removing that trim piece, which by the way is still on the door. We've got to somehow replace that glass, ideally before company comes, like we have either the money or the time. Good job, pen! Although, for the record, I did earn an A in high school physics, despite not understanding a thing, and despite watching several taped episodes of Friends in that class, which for some reason the teacher put on TV when he had nothing else for us to do. Maybe that was the problem.

Your applause is ringing in my ears, and I bow to you.

I didn't think it could, but it gets worse. 10:01 AM

Words really do fail me here.

BTW, Since pretty much all of my fellow barmaids responded with equally witty captions for the little tyke in question, everyone wins a prize!

So - to my smartini bartenders: email me your home address, please, and your gift will arrive next week. :)

She's drinking the kid's liquid tylenol...right?

Let's Talk About What REALLY Matters 9:07 AM

The Hills has been back on for a few weeks now, and I'm once again obsessed with the world of Lauren, Whitney (my fave), Audrina, Heidi, Brody, Justin-Freak-Bobby, Lo, and Spencer the Giant Jackhole. Everyone's talking about Lauren being friends with Spencer's sister, Whitney's new job, Heidi and Spencer's relationship vacay (whatever that's supposed to mean), things like that. But why is no one saying anything about the fact that Heidi looks WAY freaky these days, nothing at all like she used to. Audrina kind of did this last season, she lost a lot of weight, became completely twig-like, and her tan kind of looks orangey and weird. Maybe it takes a season to get used to the new waif-zombie look, because by now Audrina looks (relatively) normal to my eye. But I'm not yet used to the New Heidi. She got her boobs done, which, whatever. But her face. The nose job, the collagen injections gone wrong? Coupled with the fact that Spencer sucked the soul right out of her, she looks like a twiggy, pasty shell of her former self, in pain when she smiles. And like she is so trying to be something she's not. Look how cute and normal she used to be! Bleh. Don't mess with your face when it's already beautiful, that's just plain Beer Nuts.

Football & the Feds 9:04 AM

This must really be a WTFriday because as I general rule, I do not blog at work. HOWEVER, in my morning news reads, I discovered a very noteworthy news item that I feel it is my duty to share with my fellow Smartinis and readers. I don't want the criminal acts of collegiate football to fly under the radar with all the other important issues our government has to address - like war and poverty and education and stuff. The real question is...is the Bowl Championship Series illegally restraining trade??? Apparently some cuckoo legislators think so.

Ladies, behold: our tax dollars not at work.

Lawmakers: Sack the BCS
Congressmen want antitrust probe

Are You Gonna Take It? 8:38 AM

Does anyone else find it hysterical that the Twisted Sister anti-authority anthem "We're Not Gonna Take It" has been co-opted by the birth control pill Yaz? What does Dee Snyder think about this paradigm shift from hating your parents to hating your period? I don't know about you, but even with shorter, lighter periods, I feel more like a Twisted Sister than the perky pretty gals bouncing through the commercial. Rock on.

Half and Half 7:47 AM

The other day I passed a little strip mall and caught a glimpse of a guy using a backpack blower to blow off the sidewalk in front of the stores. And he was riding on one of those scooters. It was just so odd looking to me, because it seemed like more effort to maneuver the scooter than to just walk around. At least in this particular area, that was quite small, manageable and tight. But, then a few days later I saw them at a bigger location and thought it was much more appropriate and understandable, perhaps.

I used to use the backpack vaccuum to clean the stairwells at Berry when I worked in housekeeping. No one else would wear it, but it made it soooo much easier! And there were 3 stairwells to do in the dorm I cleaned, 3 floors and then you had to mop them, too, so it was worth all the people laughing and asking "who you gonna call?"

When I was looking for pictures of said scooter, I found this one and thought I'd throw it out there, too. Because again, it seems like the epitome of lazy and all to me, but, on the other hand, it is pretty clever, no?

Although, I think this one wins for being the most disturbing?

Another Unmarked Beer Wench 7:11 AM

Like Megan, I'm opposed to getting a tattoo because years and years from now when I'm an old lady, I fear it will be all saggy and stretchy and blurry, and won't look at all like it used to. And I'll forget what it's supposed to be every day when I wake up, think it's some sort of weird skin disease, and devolve into an age-onset panic attack until K.Lo comes over to my house, grabs me by the shoulders and says, "Snap the hell out of it, mother. It is just your Pisces-fish tattoo."

Furthermore, I can barely commit to an outfit for the day, much less a picture on my body for the rest of my life. What if I changed my mind? Tattoo removal is expensive and painful and involves frickin' laser beams. Basically, it's fine for someone else, and even on my own husband I will allow it (a pen for "penelope," awwww!), but for me, I'll pass.

However.

There was one and only one time that I was completely jazzed about the idea of a tattoo, was all like, YES, I would totally go for it. And that was while watching this past season of The Amazing Race. Near the end of the race, the grandson/grandfather team of Nicolas and Donald took advantage of the Fast Forward, which is a task that, if you complete it successfully, you are able to bypass all the other challenge points and go directly to the Pit Stop. It's a pretty big deal at that late point in the game, getting you that much closer to the million-dollar prize, and so you know they're going to ask you to do something big. One time it was shaving your head--another Weekly Special topic for another time, perhaps (like: would you do it??). Anyway, in Season 12, Nicolas and Donald had to get a tattoo. Right there, on the spot, no time to really even consider. Furthermore, that tattoo was pre-determined--I believe it was a little "A.R." for Amazing Race? I can't remember. Doesn't matter. The point is, I would totally do it. If I were running that race around the world to all those fantastic places and doing crazy challenges and navigating cars and planes and trains through foreign countries, pretty much I can guarantee it would be something I would remember and talk about forever. It would be totally worth permanent ink commemoration on say, my ankle (inside), and it would make the stories to my grandchildren even greater when I shifted aside my old-lady stockings and said, "And look at that tattoo!" to cap off my tale. Even if they wouldn't be able to read what the damn thing said, for all the sagging and wrinkles.

So there you go: in a completely far-fetched set of circumstances, such as my being on The Amazing Race, in the midst of a key Fast-Forward challenge, specifically challenged to get a tiny tattoo that would serve as the ultimate souvenir, I would do it. In a heartbeat. But I really can't imagine any other way.

While You Were at the Bar 4/18 6:00 AM

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News you can use:

Poor Texas District court judge Barbara Walther began hearings to determine the fate of the 416 children taken from the raid on the FDLS ranch. At certain points the courtroom seemed to turn into a circus with hundreds of lawyers each objecting in turn. No decision was made in the case and it looks like it could go on for days and days. How funny is it that the judge's name is Barbara Walther? I wonder if she knows Baa Baa Walters?

U.S. troops have begun building a wall in Sadr City, Iraq. They hope that the wall will help protect parts of the city from militia fighters who want to hamper rebuilding.

Organizers of the Olympic Torch Relay in New Delhi, India went above and beyond to protect the runners and the flame. Quite the security measures were in place after growing fear that the country's Tibetan population would protest the relay due to China's rule over Tibet.

News you can lose:

During his Washington D.C. visit Pope Benedict XVI has been spotted wearing some snazzy red shoes. Among other reasons for the spiffy red loafers, they serve as a reminder of the years he spent wearing the red cloth of a cardinal. (I guess if you are Catholic this is not news you should lose, so I apologize.)

Word of the Day:

salubrious

For the love of the Pope's red shoes, please use this word in a sentence, especially if you don't know the definition.

Yesterday's WOD was objurgate, which means: to express strong disapproval of; to criticize severely. Congratulations to me for my sentence "I am going to objurgate all over your ass if I'm the only one making up these damn sentences."

Grandma's Closet 7:50 AM

I don't even know where to begin.

Also, Parade magazine's annual "What People Earn" list has MK listed as $17M, but no Ashley. Does she actually do anything besides rummage through her grandmother's clothes and play dress-up?

While You Were at the Bar 4/17 6:00 AM

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News you can use:

Barack Obama released his tax return for 2007 Wednesday night, just two hours before the scheduled debate with Hillary Clinton. The Obama's reported $4.2 million as household income with $3.9 million coming from the sale of his two books, "The Audacity of Hope" and "Dreams From My Father." Over $240,000 was given to various charities, including Trinity United Church of Christ, the United Negro College Fund and CARE. Cha-ching!

The U.S. Supreme Court upheld the death penalty Wednesday, determining that it is not unconstitutional. There had been a nationwide moratorium on lethal injection since September 25th, awaiting the decision of the court on a case from Kentucky. States that allow lethal injection will now begin scheduling executions for the inmates on death row who were slated to be put to death during the past 7 months.

J.K. Rowling was in a New York court for the third day in a row Wednesday, testifying in a copyright infringement case about a proposed Harry Potter reference book. Rowling pleaded with the judge to block publication of "The Harry Potter Lexicon" compiled by avid fan Steven Vander Ark. At one point the judge in the case admitted that in his limited reading of the first book in the series, he found it to be "complex" and "hard to follow." Somebody tell Jo Jo to get crackin' on that encyclopedia she hinted at if she doesn't want this thing printed. The fans are thirsty for more!

News you can lose:

The California Milk Processor Board has released their hilarious new milk ads, featuring White Gold, a sexy milk guitar hero. This is good stuff (the video and the milk)!

Word of the Day:

objurgate

Don't know the definition? Don't worry! Use objurgate in a sentence anyway!

Yesterday's word, toper, means a hard drinker or chronic drunkard. I bet you'll remember the definition of this word, won't you, you bunch of topers?!

Congratulations to Penelope for her sentence "I can't decide whether that Toper Grace kid is cute."

El Tattoo 6:00 AM

"I thought of the PERFECT name for a tattoo parlor here. El Tattoo? Get it?!" - Drunk girl in Puerto Rico, circa Summer 2005

Thank God my parents are smarter than me and read up on reverse psychology, because otherwise I'd be stuck with a cheesy dolphin tattoo on my ankle and probably have to change my name to Tawny. For my 18th birthday they offered to pay for the procedure, which for some reason took all the fun out of the idea. Parents approve? Nah, I'll pass.

As it stands, no tattoos for me at the mo'. That doesn't mean every so often I don't go through a phase of desperately wanting one. In college I really wanted one, but couldn't think of anything monumental enough to get permanently inked. Instead, I opted for an eyebrow ring. Honestly, I think it was the right move. It pissed off my father. It actually didn't hurt. And now I'm just left with two itty-bitty barely noticeable holes instead of the Union Jack or fighting Gator.

At some point in my mid-20s I decided that I wanted a sun tattooed on the bottom of my foot. Most people are fairly ticklish down there, but not me. I figured this solved the problem of sagginess and 60-year-old embarrassment. Unfortunately, it also almost completely defeats the purpose of getting a tattoo in the first place.

This past summer, in my bar-exam-studying fit of mania, I had serious yearnings for some ink. Perhaps I was dreading the real world and thought permanent markings would stave it off, who knows? At any rate, I currently want two tattoos. I want them each to be fairly small, one on each wrist (I had no idea this was such a popular location!).

On the left I want a teeny little sun - not an artsy, intricate, "girly" sort of sun, but a very minimalist depiction - a simple yellow circle with orange triangles around the circumference. There's a Ben Harper song, "She's Only Happy in the Sun" which pretty much sums me up to a T. At the beach, enjoying the sunshine I'm my very best me; the sun tatt would remind me to be happy, to look on the bright side even when everything sucks.

Like this, but not so fat, and larger, fewer rays.

Over on the right (and no, I don't know how I decided which wrist gets which picture, but it just feels right this way), where was I? Oh yeah, on the right, I want a tiny little blue wave. Again, nothing elaborate, just a simple wave. This is also connected to the beach and swimming and surfing, but more than that, water has always made me feel at peace. My astrological sign is, like, the fire sign (something I've also considered getting done), so maybe this makes sense? When I'm spazzing out, it would calm me down, remind me to just ride the wave so to speak.

Similar to one of these guys, but less curly

But sadly, I'm a 'fraidy cat and haven't taken the plunge just yet. I'm worried some juror will see them and think (rightly or wrongly so) that I'm a "hussie" and take it out on my client. For now, I remain sans ink, but you never know...maybe I'll be that nutter in the nursing home who goes balls out on her 80th birthday and gets a nekkid man wrapped around her arm in neon green!

Why Moms drink 12:18 PM

I found this song highly amusing. Even if you aren't actively turning into your mother repeating these phrases to your own offspring yet, you can probably still appreciate it from your own childhood.

While You Were at the Bar 4/16 6:00 AM

New to the bar? Click here.

News you can use:

The U.S. is facing the worst increase in food prices in 17 years. Food prices went up 4 percent in 2007, compared with an average of 2.5 percent in the past 15 years. The increase is attributed to weather conditions affecting crop production, higher demand for corn and changes in the structure of the dairy industry. Unfortunately, higher food prices hit poorer Americans the hardest. Something tells me that ramen noodles and Jiffy bread aren't just for college students anymore.


Today marks the one year anniversary of the horrific massacre at Virginia Tech. In the past year VT has increased security on campus, begun sharing information about troubled students between campus agencies, installed new locks on classroom doors that bolt from the inside, formed an instantaneous messaging alert system and erected a 32 stone memorial in the middle of campus.

The chemical bisphenol, used to make shatter proof plastic, has been linked to hormonal problems in a study on rats. The chemical industry touts the fact that the study report affirms there "are no serious or high level concerns for adverse effects of bisphenol on human reproduction and development" while environmental groups are lauding the findings as something that they have argued all along. This is most concerning to parents of infants who use formula containers and/or plastic baby bottles. Like three of your friendly Smartini bar maids, perhaps. Who's feeling retro and eyeballing the glass bottles?

News you can lose:

Happy Birthday to Ellen Barkin who turns 54 today. What a cute 'do and an even cuter 54 year old bod! Please, please, please can I look like this when I'm 54? Pretty please?

Word of the Day:

toper

Don't know the definition? Use it in a sentence anyway! We will all laugh at your wittiness and hey, maybe you will famous and make it to tomorrow's post!

Yesterday's word, voluble, means: characterized by a ready and continuous flow of words; fluent; glib; talkative.

Congratulations to Ashley, who may not have know the definition but it works anyway, for her sentence "At night, when K. Lo doesn't want to sleep, her displeasure becomes increasingly voluble until it disrupts the whole household" and Andi who added "... increasingly voluble and importunate" utilizing the WOD from Monday. Kudos to you Andi for going above and beyond!

Honorable mention goes to Niki who went the route that I would have most likely gone and offered "After the plastic surgery, Candy was very pleased at how voluble her breasts appeared". hee hee!

Sting 2:35 AM

If I were to get a tattoo, which, like my fellow bar maidens, is a pretty big if, I think it would have to be of a Bee - like the cute Winnie the Pooh bees, not a scientifically accurate drawing or anything. Maybe not quite as happy as this rendering, but the basic more cartoon outline. I like whimsy over reality. Speaking of, have you seen the "real" baby bedding ? It kind of freaks me out - although this set is actually cuter than I remembered it being, but still think attempting to sleep with those faces surrounding you at such a young, impressionable age would be difficult (I really hope I'm not offending anyone who has chosen this bedding for their child. I'm sure s/he will grow up well adjusted and fine without lingering nightmares.)

Oddly enough, I'm allergic to bees, and thus, not really a big fan of running into them, which amuses me that I would then decide to put it on my body. But, I'm not allergic to the extent my hubby thought, though. I'd always made such a big deal out of the fact that I was allergic, he thought I'd have to be rushed to the hospital or given some big shot, perhaps even in the heart a la Pulp Fiction or something. It was just a year or so ago that I realized how serious he thought it would be if I was stung and how much hype I *might* have been giving it all these years. I do swell up a good bit and still have a scar from a bee sting when I was little, so I think that's significant. or was that a dog bite? Either way.

The other problem with my choice, though, is the fact that this little logo is very reminiscent of a certain school located here in Atlanta that is a big rival of our beloved Bulldogs. Both my father and one of my brothers attended and I do like to cheer for the basketball team on occasion, but really it's very unacceptable in our household. Another reason our daughter wasn't allowed to have a bee costume for Halloween. But, I still like little cartoon bugs, critters and associate my bee choice more with Pooh, than anything else, so it's significant to me in that way.

As far as placement goes, I would definitely want it to be somewhere I'd get to see, enjoy and appreciate, but not so prominent I couldn't hide it if I needed or wanted to. I kind of like the tiny wrist location. A mini-tatt, that's cool. Maybe even right under where your watch normally sits anyway. I'd always thought something like the ankle, even though I heard it was painful to get one on the bone like that and you can't always hide it easily, especially in the summer or dresses. I'm not a big fan of pain, but two pregnancies have helped me a lot in adjusting to needles, so that's a slightly smaller hurdle.